Tried to take her back, but she never changed

[southside420]

My ex w/BPD and I began talking about 5 weeks ago. Initially, she seemed very lucid - apologized for her past mistakes, told me she loved me and wanted to be with me, and wanted to work on things. She had been in therapy for months.

She took a job in a different town and wanted to try long distance. I initially was unsure, but agreed later on that I would do it because I cared for her, and I wanted to give it a shot. The second week we were talking, I found out she invited her ex boyfriend to attend a wedding with her. They shared a hotel room, but she said nothing happened, and she had invited him prior to me coming back. I eventually forgave her, and I said I would not see others. She agreed. She also said she'd block him if I wanted her to, but I said only if she wanted to, because otherwise she'd resent me.

I saw her multiple times a week and she stopped going to therapy, saying she was too busy. Two days ago, she was coming to visit and keep packing her apartment. She asked for me to stay with her that weekend. I said I could, but I had a previous engagement Saturday night that I could not miss. She then said she didn't think it would work since I didn't care about her. I said I did, but if missing one night triggered this, a long distance relationship won't work and we need to stop speaking.

She went on to tell me she had lied to me two weeks ago when she said she was leaving to go to her new town for the weekend. Instead, she had invited her ex to spend the weekend with her. She said I "never committed" and that's what happens when I refuse to commit. I told her I was finished with her and would certainly not commit now. She then reverted to insults, belittling, making false claims that I just did not validate or care about her and this ex of hers did and made "more of an effort." And that we never agreed to not see others (which is a total lie). She maintained she did nothing wrong and I shouldn't be mad at her because I wouldn't commit to her the way she wanted.

The sad thing is, this ex of her cheated on her, then slept around with strippers, and is unemployed and lives 800 miles away. She said 3 weeks ago that she respected herself too much to ever go back to him because he likely had STDs. When I brought that up, she said "whatever, he's changed."

I regret ever giving her another chance, but this ended just as others warned. She has BPD. She'll always have BPD. And she'll always be the way she is.

[southside420]

I made the mistake of trying things again with my ex who’s diagnosed with BPD. At first, she was going to therapy and doing well and kept with therapy, but then she got a new job and began the process of moving away. In the interim, she asked me to go long distance with her and I agreed.

The first week we began talking, I found out she had seen her ex as a wedding date. Because she made plans before we had begun talking, I forgave her. Over the last few weeks, we saw each other multiple times a week, she told me she didn’t want me dating others. So I did not. But she became paranoid and felt I wasn’t serious about seeing her when she moved.

I found out two days ago that she had invited her ex to stay with her the last weekend she was here and lied to me. She told me during an argument over my level of commitment and said I deserved it because I didn’t commit. Not only did she feel no remorse, she laughed at me.

I told her I was done this time and she had she didn’t care. 2 hours earlier, she had asked to spend the weekend with me. The ex she invited down had cheated on her in the 3 months they were together, and 3 weeks ago she told me she’d never go back to that because she respected herself too much.

Just a sad situation. I feel awful for making any effort at all.

[once removed]

it sounds like you gave things their best shot, southside420. theres some closure in that, i think. but i know its a kick in the gut. it sounds like she behaved pretty badly.

have you officially ended things? how long ago now?

[southside420]

it sounds like you gave things their best shot, southside420. theres some closure in that, i think. but i know its a kick in the gut. it sounds like she behaved pretty badly.

have you officially ended things? how long ago now?

I told her yesterday I will never see her again. She told me "if you had committed, I'd never have done this and it's your choice to lose me."

I am going through self doubt at the moment. But I told her I wanted to keep seeing her when she moved and she knew I was seeing no one else. I did not guarantee it would work out long term, but we both had said we'd never know if we didn't try. I felt it was unfair to promise her it would work out when I had no idea if it would. 200 miles apart for years isn't easy.

The worst part was, she wasn't remorseful at all. She even mocked me for being upset because I deserved this from her. What kind of person does that without any regard for the person they claim to love? She knew I was only seeing her. I'm just glad that came out before I spent this weekend with her.

[once removed]

The worst part was, she wasn't remorseful at all. She even mocked me for being upset because I deserved this from her. What kind of person does that without any regard for the person they claim to love?

a person that, to put it mildly, has difficulty seeing themselves objectively, or the pain that they cause others. its very hard to be on the receiving end of. learning about BPD can help us depersonalize some of the behavior, which can remove some of the sting.

so if i recall correctly, she can be pretty vindictive, and persistent. obviously she will have a difficult time doing so at 200 miles away, but have you thought through next steps?

[southside420]

a person that, to put it mildly, has difficulty seeing themselves objectively, or the pain that they cause others. its very hard to be on the receiving end of. learning about BPD can help us depersonalize some of the behavior, which can remove some of the sting.

so if i recall correctly, she can be pretty vindictive, and persistent. obviously she will have a difficult time doing so at 200 miles away, but have you thought through next steps?

I am going to continue therapy. I really hope this time, she never contacts me again. It was difficult before moving on with her constantly contacting me. I doubt she will go away quietly this time, but I will see. She made it clear I was still her first choice, but "you won't commit to me, so what else am I supposed to do?" She would accuse me of not caring and even makeup things I did and did not do. "You never ask me about my new job when x does" which is patently false. I ask her daily about her new job.

But, I know she has something wrong with her. She can't see how her actions affect me. She is incapable. So I'm trying to tell myself it isn't me, it's her. I cannot control her behavior despite how hard it is for me to understand how she could sleep with her ex, lie to me all weekend, then have lunch with me that Monday and ask me to help her move boxed to her car!

[Jeffree]

The sad thing is, this ex of her cheated on her, then slept around with strippers, and is unemployed and lives 800 miles away. She said 3 weeks ago that she respected herself too much to ever go back to him because he likely had STDs. When I brought that up, she said "whatever, he's changed."

southside,

The truly sad part is that she slept with you after sleeping with her ex "who likely has STDs" and lying to you about it.

Please get checked and also please let this be the end.

Her playing of STD Russian roulette with your health is potentially criminal behavior.

J

[southside420]

The sad thing is, this ex of her cheated on her, then slept around with strippers, and is unemployed and lives 800 miles away. She said 3 weeks ago that she respected herself too much to ever go back to him because he likely had STDs. When I brought that up, she said "whatever, he's changed."

southside,

The truly sad part is that she slept with you after sleeping with her ex "who likely has STDs" and lying to you about it.

Please get checked and also please let this be the end.

Her playing of STD Russian roulette with your health is potentially criminal behavior.

J

She actually had a STD scare and blamed me for it, then found out she was clean. I am clean too thankfully.

Of course, she blamed me for giving her something and said she is more inclined to believe her ex over me because I "lie constantly." At any rate, I am done with her and really hope this time she leaves me alone for good. She's a very sad person that is toxic to my life, and the sooner I can get past her, the better. I'm glad she's moved away and equally glad I did not waste any money or time trying to make a long distance relationship work with someone who cannot love, does not care, and only lives in the moment.

She told me a few nights ago after I told her I wasn't interested in working things out due to her ex, that she "chose" her ex anyway because he wanted to see her more than I wanted to see her even though he's 9 hours away to my 3 hours. Well of course, why would I want to leave my friends on weekends to see her knowing she couldn't cut him off? At worse, she said she "tried so hard" to make things work, but I was just "not interested" and "ashamed" of her for whatever reason.

Truly amazing stuff.