My 17 yo dd has BPD, Depression Anxiety and I'm scared to death.

[piggy123]

Hi.  I've known since the first time I was introduced to the term Borderline Personality Disorder by a therapist of mine and did some research into it that it was what I was dealing with with my then only about 9 year old daughter.  She hadn't started cutting, but she had very unstable relationships both within the family and with friends.  She's an attractive, outgoing, athletic child so this was always a mystery.  The reason was ALWAYS that the person that she dropped became mean.  This is true to this day.  Her father and I divorced when she was 2 and her sister a few years older.  She's been raised in a loving home by a caring stepfather since she was 4.  She's been to 2 different psychiatric hospitals in the past year. Her therapist and I have decided together that we will go as far as we can to avoid hospital visits again.  That alone is scary to me. My first goal is to get her through high school.  If she put the effort in, she could do well in college, but her separation anxiety (that she doesn't realize she has) will hinder her as the university near us is "too close" for her. A conundrum.  I'm hoping this is the forum I've been praying for.  I've asked around and NOONE knows ANYONE in my small town that has suffered from BPD.  I'm not just looking for the happy endings, though I'm hopeful to find some.  I would just like someone to talk to who's been there.  I have a therapist in the same office as her therapist and psychiatrist so that we are all able to be on the same page.  Yesterday was the first day her therapist rolled out the idea of BPD to her and next week she will be signing a DBT contract.  Her therapist won't work with her any longer if she refuses to sign it... .which I find completely reasonable.  Thanks for letting me get that out.  I look forward to hearing stories from other parents.  It's frustrating that it takes so long to get dx BPD, but I also understand the stigma... .I suppose it's like telling a young man he's a narc and there's nothing he can do about it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Hello piggy123 and welcome!  I am so glad that you have found us and want to thank you for sharing some of your story. I understand that feeling of being "scared to death", as I am sure most other parents on here do to.  Of course all parents worry, but BPD comes with its own special set of worries that no parent should have to deal with.  Most other parents with "normal" children don't "get" our unique worries, but I want you to know, EVERYONE here gets it, piggy123.

If she put the effort in, she could do well in college, but her separation anxiety (that she doesn't realize she has) will hinder her as the university near us is "too close" for her.

Oh, how I can relate to this, p123.  My own BPD dd21, also didn't realize (or was more likely in denial of) her own separation anxiety at age 17 as well.  We had the same dilemma - not wanting her to go far away to school - as we were genuinely scared that she could end up dead... .either by her own hand, or by getting herself involved in dangerous situations, as she was prone to do.   Since she was still only 17 when she graduated high school, we still had some control over her legally, not to mention we had control over most of her money (even her own savings for post secondary).  So while she could have, on her own, done all the legwork to figure out the logistics of applying to other schools, we made it clear we wanted her to go the our local college.  She got into a competitive nursing program (which she almost blew by hiding that she was failing one high school credit -  yet another story... .) and was very proud to have done so.  We talked about her going here for the first year, seeing how it went and then transferring for the remainder or taking another program she was interested elsewhere after she successfully finished the nursing here.  We were hoping beyond hope that it was the drama of high school causing much of her problems, but within a month in college it became very clear that the problems were within her.  Keeping her close was the best parenting decision we ever made... .she very well could be dead right now if she was engaging in her risky behaviours in a large city three hours or more away instead of in our small rural city where we could keep and eye on things and be involved.  Even so, it was a hell of a ride... .one that I wouldn't wish on anyone. She does occasionally bring up how we "forced" her to stay here and that she resents it, but we do not regret it one bit.  And for the record, we did not force her, we just did not support, encourage or help her with the logistics of going elsewhere.  So, p123, if you are truly scared for her safety and have any sway whatsoever over her decision where to go, my advice is to trust your instincts... . 

You are be commended for all that you have done for your daughter, piggy123. It is very obvious that you are a loving mother and your daughter has grown up in a supportive environment.  How did your daughter react to the therapist mentioning BPD?  Is she willing to sign the DBT contract?   The fact that you have a good working relationship with your daughter's therapist is awesome, as is the fact that she seems to have a good therapist!     

Please keep posting, p123, when you feel up to it.  Also, if you haven't already found them, the lessons on the right hand side of this page  are a great place to learn ways to best interact with your child.

Again, welcome, p123.  You are not alone.    MomMae

[piggy123]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.  I called the therapist after the appointment and she said that dd left the office genuinely upbeat and hopeful.  She said that the dx seemed to give her a bit of an ahha moment. She also, sadly, told me that she was going to start pulling back with our relationship and count on dd or my therapist to share info with me so that the relationship between she and dd can deepen and become more of a safe place for dd.  Again, understandable but scary.  DD told me that the therapist had told her that we BOTH had BPD so I ofcourse had to find out about this... .if I do have BPD I'd like to know before her!  Ofcourse, that was skewed information in good BPD form.  I'm really hopeful.  I'm not sure that DD knows about contract coming up next week.  Will keep you up to date.

[wendydarling]

Hi piggy123  

I'd like to join MomMae welcoming you to the community. You are doing brilliantly supporting your daughter get the care she needs. It is scary, it is a journey - we are here to support you forwards, you are not alone   I'm so glad you found us, I neither knew of anyone dealing with a loved one with BPD, here everyone understands and as you'll read and learn this community and resources are a life line for us for which we are most grateful for every day.  

My 29DD went through hospitalisations 2015/16, the diagnosis, yes she had that aha moment, it was a relief, she was hopeful treatment would help and it has. DD immediately ordered Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder, Blaise Aguirre, she stayed up all night reading it and told me she related to every word written,  someone understood! She was on the DBT train... .

DBT has worked for her, in that she understands her disorder and has the tools to better manage. She also suffers from depression and anxiety and eventually found the right medication for her.

It's sounds like you have an excellent team of therapists advising you, it will feel strange pulling back for your daughter to take on sole responsibility is the aim, hence the contract. I once met the head of the mental health team for a carer's assessment, though I did speak with her many times when my daughter was in crisis and on the waiting list (10months!).

Avoiding hospital visits, have they explained to you their strategy? My DD's team put in place a crisis plan, for DD to reach out to the crisis team and first step in DBT to focus on suicide ideation, self harm.  

piggy123 is there you and your daughter at home, or do you have other family members?

I look forward to getting to know and supporting you through anyway I can

WDx