Feel like I'm losing my mind

[Inevitable]

How is it that even when it's evident that this needs to end I find myself still even entertaining a conversation

[Shawnlam]

Because you have yet to release the dream of what it could be?Will it change,can he/she be fixed,can I try harder this time,did I do something wrong, etc etc... .
answer these questions first ,come to terms with what can’t happen first,then ask yourself what will you allow yourself to go through again,and you will have your answer on what you should do.

[Tram]

How is it that even when it's evident that this needs to end I find myself still even entertaining a conversation

1) Communication is essential. Humans need it. It should be meaningful and usually enjoyable, if not fun and relaxing. Lacking it is associated with worse mental health overall.
2) As mentioned: separation from a dream so close to the core is hard and adjustment takes time.
3) Many of those who have formed relationships with person with significant borderline traits, have soft spots surrounding anxiety, dependency and appropriately assertive autonomy.

My personal way of dealing with it is to try not to bee too harsh with myself. I'll have conversations and try to stay out of it as well. I'll practice appropriate assertiveness and not to get flooded by the F.O.G.
My 2c: try to be realistic, flexible and nice - and don't allow abuse.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Inevitable, Welcome!  What is it that needs to end?  Fill us in when you can.  A BPD r/s is akin to an addiction, in the sense that we know it's unhealthy yet we don't want to (or can't) stop participating in it.  Maybe this could apply to your situation?

LuckyJim

[uni_all]

How is it that even when it's evident that this needs to end I find myself still even entertaining a conversation

I have only started with this online support group in the last couple of weeks, though it is clearly helping!

Maybe sharing my experience will help you determine how to proceed in some way:

We have had over 4 years of recycling, and no, being in a relationship with someone with so many traits of BPD is not healthy.

During the first year: OK with NC. we could part ways for a while (a few weeks typically) and, again, I did OK with NC.

Around 2 years: Addicted to her. I really became enmeshed with her emotionally and mentally. During NC, I would miss her tremendously, I could not stop thinking about her and us. I confided in my best friend that I was really "addicted" to her and would do anything to try to "fix" us and have us work out.

Around 3 years: Constant mental churn and obsession about her. I have a 24/7 "background" obsession of thoughts about her, it does not stop and it affects my ability to think and live my life. Even just a few texts or phone calls from her will set this off. I do not even have to see her.

The last time I saw her for about a month, it took almost 3 weeks for the the constant churn and obsession to finally stop.

The last time we texted and talked on the phone for a about a week, it took a week for the constant churn and obsession to finally stop.

The last time we talked on the phone for a couple of hours, it took about 2 days for the constant churn and obsession to finally stop.

For me, every time we "recycled", I became more enmeshed, more addicted, and more obsessed with her.

Hope my sharing this with you helps you determine how to proceed.

You will figure out what to do. Reading other's experiences has helped me tremendously! I am certain they will help you, as well.

[Inevitable]

Hey Inevitable, Welcome!  What is it that needs to end?  Fill us in when you can.  A BPD r/s is akin to an addiction, in the sense that we know it's unhealthy yet we don't want to (or can't) stop participating in it.  Maybe this could apply to your situation?

Feeling devalued and it appearing you really can't can't/want to control it. I think it's hard to let go of the belief/dream of what I thought it could be.

LuckyJim

[Inevitable]

I have only started with this online support group in the last couple of weeks, though it is clearly helping!

Maybe sharing my experience will help you determine how to proceed in some way:

We have had over 4 years of recycling, and no, being in a relationship with someone with so many traits of BPD is not healthy.

During the first year: OK with NC. we could part ways for a while (a few weeks typically) and, again, I did OK with NC.

Around 2 years: Addicted to her. I really became enmeshed with her emotionally and mentally. During NC, I would miss her tremendously, I could not stop thinking about her and us. I confided in my best friend that I was really "addicted" to her and would do anything to try to "fix" us and have us work out.

Around 3 years: Constant mental churn and obsession about her. I have a 24/7 "background" obsession of thoughts about her, it does not stop and it affects my ability to think and live my life. Even just a few texts or phone calls from her will set this off. I do not even have to see her.

The last time I saw her for about a month, it took almost 3 weeks for the the constant churn and obsession to finally stop.

The last time we texted and talked on the phone for a about a week, it took a week for the constant churn and obsession to finally stop.

The last time we talked on the phone for a couple of hours, it took about 2 days for the constant churn and obsession to finally stop.

For me, every time we "recycled", I became more enmeshed, more addicted, and more obsessed with her.

Hope my sharing this with you helps you determine how to proceed.

You will figure out what to do. Reading other's experiences has helped me tremendously! I am certain they will help you, as well.

Thanks! Very helpful.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Inevitable,

Have you had the conversation?  Could you give us more details?  What's the status of your r/s and communication?

Based on your original post and the title of this thread, I'm wondering if our article on How to Survive a BPD breakup might be helpful to read.  I'm guessing that you're struggling with the break between head and heart that so many of us have difficulties with.  Our head knows it's not healthy and our heart isn't ready to get onboard with that.  This article was a lifesaver for me as I struggled to detach.  It contains the 10 beliefs that can keep us stuck.  I'd be interested to know if it is helpful and if any of the beliefs you read apply to you at the moment.  I found I went back to it often as I began to work through dispelling one at a time.  You can find the article HERE.

Looking forward to hearing more about the conversation.

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi inevitable,

That article that Harley Quinn linked helped me a lot I had some evenings were I felt really depressed and I was thinking about my and our marriage and where it went wrong, the article is in point with our experiences and it felt like it was sobering read I felt better. I must reread that article a hundred times it helped each time.

These r/s break ups can be really ugly your ex leaves with litttle to no notice, they won’t talk to you after they’re gone, they don’t give you closure it’s normal to want to have a conversation after the break up to sort through our own stuff.

What would you say if you had a chance to talk to your ex?

[Inevitable]

Hi inevitable,

That article that Harley Quinn linked helped me a lot I had some evenings were I felt really depressed and I was thinking about my and our marriage and where it went wrong, the article is in point with our experiences and it felt like it was sobering read I felt better. I must reread that article a hundred times it helped each time.

These r/s break ups can be really ugly your ex leaves with litttle to no notice, they won’t talk to you after they’re gone, they don’t give you closure it’s normal to want to have a conversation after the break up to sort through our own stuff.

What would you say if you had a chance to talk to your ex?

Thankfully, I truly feel content not talking to her. Yes! At this time, if I were to talk with her I imagine it wouldn't get much past me blaming her and getting into a cycle of her justifying her behavior and somehow blaming me.