Daughter suffering froDPD

[Dejective Mom]

Hi to you all,

Its sad we have a common emotional sadness.  My adult daughter has been erratic for years, with drug abuse, spending abuse, always having boyfriends of similar emotions. I could go on.  Our relationship has been strained, and the more I try to put patience and understanding into our time together the worse she seems to have become. She is a single mother, and since starting DBT therapy has decided to cut me off completely from herself and my adored grandchild. I am beyond devastated.  Anyone who suggests she is wrong to stop our grandchild seeing us she cuts off as well. She has accused me of being abusive as a grandma and I am sure the list of lies I could give that she says about me you all have heard before.  She accuses me of not caring for her while she was growing up, loving her siblings more than her etc etc, your wonderful site has realised I am not alone.  I’m too emotional to continue writing this, so I just thought I would start my dialogue and continue when I am more composed.  She so angry with me and the therapy seems to be making this worse.  I’m not sure how to be happy any more... .a mother can only be as happy as her least happiest child isn’t she.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi there, DectiveMom, and welcome

You are right when you say "we have a common emotional sadness" here.  We are Moms (and Dads) and nature has us loving our children but the sadness comes when they don't love us back the way we would want.

Can't agree with you, though, when you write... ."a mother can only be as happy as her least happiest child... ."  That belief sets you up for a pre-paid roller-coaster ride through life.  Your happiness should be in YOUR control... .never someone else's.  That is not to say we ever stop wanting to fix things for our children but we have to know our limits.  When they were learning to walk, part of the learning process was letting them fall then having them figure out how to get up.

It is encouraging to read that your daughter is in DBT therapy.  Not so good to read what is happening now, though.  Being cut out of the life of your daughter is one hurtful thing, but to be cut out of the lives of your precious grandchildren is quite another.  I speak from experience.  I, too, have been accused of doing things I haven't done.  Hard to fight accusations, for sure!

DejectiveMom, you certainly have come to the right place to get support as you trudge through these difficult, hurtful times.  It might be that you will have to step back for a bit as you do your homework.   See to the right "Lesson 2... .If your current approach is not working - change it."

Have you, yourself, ever gone to counselling to help you deal with your daughter's behaviour?

So, once again, welcome DejectiveMom.  Life really can get better as you will see by reading some of the posts of others.  We really do learn from each other here.  What you write is read by others and can be of a great help in their similar journeys.

Huat

[Dejective Mom]

Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding.  Being cut from from our grandchild who we basically brought up until daughter went into therapy and stopped contact, hurts with every heartbeat I have.  Is there any light at the end of this tunnel... .who knows.  I continue to do as advised by those who I consider real friends and family, which is keep occasional contact by email... but keep the message as kind and basic, and leave out of any message my deep hurt and emotions... .as yet there’s no reply, not even photos of my darling grandchild. But I’m told that one day she will see that I never left her. She’s so angry, blames me for not finding her quick enough when she ran away from home age 18, and we move downhill from there... I’ve always had the feeling she has waited for a chance to ‘nail the coffin’ in her relationship with me. I had the patience of saints in dealing with her constant demands, calls, requests, moans, problems... but alas, once treatment started she said that she cannot be with people who control her and do not support her, and she disappeared.  I begged and cried for her to keep contact with us, and she just stated ‘respect my wishes’. Yes I’m hurt, incredibly sad, and don’t see a happy ending for us, I can’t see the light at the end of this tunnel   I’m not disagreeing with your statement that happiness is in my control, after all it’s up to me to feel sad or happiness, and to enjoy life as I wish. But getting off the rollercoaster isn’t as easy as turning a light switch for the evening. I’m supported by my amazing other children with whom I have the most beautiful  relationships and we have huge respect for each other . They are suffering with me, we all are, and I’m sure the one who is suffering most is my daughter.

And yes, I might be new to this site, but I feel already supported by you all, hugely supported, and I thank all of you who have taken time to write so that others should not feel alone.  I pray I can help others feel loved as well.