Parents

[Faithwarrior21]

I am new here and not sure how this all works, but I was referred here by a friend. My parents both show signs of BPD I think. I also am realizing that I was emotionally abused as a kid and still am. My dad right now isn’t eating, sleeps all day, and is so depressed he doesn’t shower. He won’t accept help from anyone. It’s so hard because I love him so much but I cannot watch him slowly killing himself. It’s breaking my heart. I just had my second back surgery and he should be checking on me, but the roles are reversed. My mom is the most abusive. My parents are divorced but still friends now. Tonight my mom got so angry all of the sudden. She flipped like a light switch and started yelling at me telling me I am verbally abusive to her and am disrespectful. I went in my room and shut the door. She followed me and opened my door and said this is my house and I want this door open.  I was getting really scared and didn’t want to be yelled at anymore so I went and closed my door again and locked it. She got so angry she was yelling and saying I should look for a job because I will need to move out. She kept yelling to open the door but I was too scared which sounds whimpy because I am 28 years old and I was a firefighter before I got hurt. I don’t understand my parents behaviors and when I need them they are only concerned with themselves. I am more like their parent than they are mine and it’s always been that way at least emotionally. I’m not sure what I should do about my Dad. I need to set a boundary and tell him if he won’t get help I cannot watch him die. It’s too hard. With my mom I have to stay here until I heal a little more so I’m trying to dodge her land mines. It’s like a battle in my head doubting myself if I did something wrong to deserve this. Endless questioning of what I did wrong and how to fix this. When people are nice to me it’s hard to believe and accept help. I really want to heal from all this and live a happy life and have a family o my own one day with real love and how it’s supposed to be.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Faithwarrior21,  

So sorry you are having to deal with this. What you describe is termed “Parentification” which is where the parent flips rolls and expects you to validate and help them. This is common with parents with a PD. Basically their emotional development got stunted so they act like 8 year olds, expecting you to do things for them, with the lack of empathy a young child naturally has. I find viewing my BPDm as 8, helps. Because they are unlikely to change, so it helps understand.

The closing the door thing, my BPD was the same. They assume everyone is like them and hence up to some trickery, so they want open everything, so they can better control you. Trouble is, if your Dad is BPD or NPD, then there is a limit to what you can do. Someone with a PD assumes there’s nothing wrong with them, so if they’re depressed then its due to you not giving them enough etc... .But that traps you, as you become their drug. Could that fit with your Dad ? Has he taken professional help ? Is he on medication (there are some fantastic anti depressants these days, meds have really come along.).

Sounds like you need to focus on yourself first and foremost. You say you are recovering from an accident, are you getting the help and support you need ? Welcome to the forum btw.  

[Faithwarrior21]

Yes that sounds exactly like my parents. What causes they to be stunted at 8 years old? How do I know if I have BPD too?
My Dad has tried so many different medications, therapy, ect, but until he changes his thinking I don’t think he will get better.

I don’t feel like I have all the support I need which is why I came to this group. I have good friends but no one really understands what I’m going through. They just know something is seriously messed up. I was a firefighter and got hurt is how I messed up my back. It’s been hard relying on parents who are so inconsistent and they help but with s price, an emotional toll.

[Panda39]

Hi Faithwarrior,

I'd like to join HappyChappy and welcome you to the BPD Family 

That fact that you are asking if you might have BPD tells me you probably don't have BPD.  That said we do learn behaviors from our parents so you might have learned some things that you might not be serving you well.

Since you are new to BPD, I'd like to suggest two books that I like on BPD in general... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger 

and

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change
by Valerie Porr M. A.

I also want to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information, you might want to check out the "Lessons" section when you have time.

Try to get the rest you need, dealing with your parents is so much harder when your energy level is low and you want that rest to heal.  We can't magically fix everything in this moment, it is a journey and you've landed in a great place to start your journey, this site is a wonderful place to get support, tools, ideas and just a listening ear when you need to vent.  But I think number one on your list of things to do is do your best to rest and heal... .self care is important.

Take Care,
Panda39

 

[Harri]

Hi Faithwarrior and welcome to the site!

I am sorry to hear about your injury and surgery.  More though, I am sorry your parents are unable to help and support you without exacting an emotional toll. 

Is there a time estimate of when your back will be healed and you can perhaps get out of your mothers house? 

You mentioned wanting your father to get help and telling him you do not want to watch him die.  Watching a parent self-sabotage is very painful.   Have you ever been successful in asking him to get help? 

It’s like a battle in my head doubting myself if I did something wrong to deserve this. Endless questioning of what I did wrong and how to fix this.

You did nothing to cause this.  Nothing.  Your parents are who they are and it has nothing to do with you.  You did not make them this way.  You also can't fix this.  You can not fix another person, you can only change the way you function around them. 

Panda provided a good place to start reading and learning (over on the right side of the page).  We have lessons on BPD behaviors that are quite helpful to read.  Understanding the behaviors is important so that you can understand they are not about you and therefore you can begin to depersonalize the behaviors (as in, stop asking what you did wrong to deserve their treatment).  Check out this link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307#msg1064892  There are several lessons and behaviors listed.  If you look at the 2nd post in that thread, you will see things like splitting, projection, objectifying people, silent treatment etc.  It is a lot to read so take it slow.

I am glad you found us as we can serve as source of support and can listen to you.  I hope you continue to post and participate in some of the other threads here.  We all help each other.