It's been a little over 2 months and the urge to contact her is unbearable

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all. It's been a little over 2 months since I changed my number, the initial feelings, of finally being in control have dissipated, and the urge to contact her, is unbearable.
She is running around in my brain again, and it seems, the more time passes, the more I realise, this is it, and the pain kicks in.
I think this transition, is by far, the hardest part to deal with.
Any words of support, would be much appreciated.

[Pencil sketch]

Hi all. It's been a little over 2 months since I changed my number, the initial feelings, of finally being in control have dissipated, and the urge to contact her, is unbearable.
She is running around in my brain again, and it seems, the more time passes, the more I realise, this is it, and the pain kicks in.
I think this transition, is by far, the hardest part to deal with.
Any words of support, would be much appreciated.

[MyBPD_friend]

Hi there,
I feel with you, it is hard and the memories will stay with you a long time. That doesn't mean you can focus on yourself and be active in life. Do the things you've always liked.

I'm actually in the same boat, I changed my phone number about 5 weeks ago.
Yes, I also think of her, she can't contact me which is very important for me to heal from her toxic behaviour and actions.

Don't forget YOU ARE IN control - and don't give up on this.

I didn't read your story, but think about what you gain, the future will be less painful and the BPD treatment won't come back to make you feel terrible.

My friend, stay strong, the feelings will slowly disappear, you may still think of her, try to keep the good memories and try to move on in life, that's my best advise.

In my case, I'm not willing to have her influence on me and my life again, my life is good and I have everything that's good for me.

Take care

[stixx44]

PS,

I’m so sorry for your continuing pain. I have read your posts, and I totally understand. I too am two months NC and was 100% sure she would break it as always, but she surprised me.  She’s finally over me—something I thought would never happen because I believed her words.  However, I still find myself looking for her car when I hit the main highway, as I know she travels it frequently.

If you can possibly fill your time with friends, hobbies, other distractions—it does help pass the time and decrease the thoughts of her in your head.  If you can come to terms with the fact that this relationship is really and truly not healthy for you—that you do deserve to be treated with love and kindness, it will get better in time.

Time is the great healer.  Two months is not such a long time when intense feelings are involved.  It’s normal for you to have setbacks.  
You had love for this person, and the depth of your hurt is testament to that.

When I’m feeling down about my ex, I realize that she’s not even giving me a thought, so why should I expend any energy thinking about her?  It doesn’t help, it only hurts, so I do something else... .I go out for a walk with an audible book, I watch tv, I visit a friend, or I play a mindless game on my iPad.  

It’s not easy... .so many conflicting thoughts and feelings on a day to day, minute by minute time frame, right?  Strong one minute, weak the next.  I read these boards and I see the damage these r/s do to so many of us.  Sometimes it helps me, other times I feel sadder.

There’s no magic bullet for you (us) to move this along, but I’ve lived long enough (65 years) and survived worse than this to know that it’s partly time and partly attitude that gets us through these dark periods.  And being realistic that it’s over is necessary to healing.

Everyone is different.  Your journey may take a little longer than mine, but you will get to a better place.  I know it. Don’t let this r/s define who you are.  :)on’t let it continue to damage you.  

I don’t know if you’re a religious person, but prayer is a wonderful help to me.  I have prayed many times that God release me from caring about her as I do, and I feel it starting to happen now.  

Continue to write if you feel that helps.  So many people share your pain and desire to move on.  I will add you to my “prayer list” and pray that you get released from the hold this has on you.

Take care of yourself... .

Stixx

[gotbushels]

Congratulations on getting this far on what you've set out for yourself Pencil sketch   

... .It's been a little over 2 months since I changed my number, the initial feelings, of finally being in control have dissipated, and the urge to contact her, is unbearable.

It seems you're missing her after that initial sense of confidence that the breakup was "good for you". Sometimes after these relationships, we can miss the partner. But at the same time, part of us may have decided this person isn't who's good for us--which then works against the emotion of missing to some extent. That's okay.

Often missing the pwBPD after the breakup is difficult. I would say more so for these relationships because of the higher degree of enmeshment. So it can feel more difficult for us--almost like "losing a limb".

Something that may help is to give some quiet time to yourself to let yourself feel, perhaps 5-10 minutes, then go on with something else from your day. If you have a self-care activity you'd like to spend time with, I encourage you to do that too--it can help in addition to simple quiet time.  

[Wicker Man]

Pencil Sketch,

I have been no contact for nearly 5 months and I look forward to the day I don't think about her.  As the other members suggesting staying busy helps.  I have been getting out and riding my bike whenever I can -that helps me find some clarity.

Since ending my relationship with my undiagnosed BPD fiancé I have been seeing a therapist -thankfully he is currently treating some patients with BPD and has a good understanding of the disorder from both sides. 

What I have come to realize is what I miss is the fantasy I had about the relationship, not the reality of it.  I left during the twilight of the idealization phase, so things had not gotten that bad yet. --But cracks were forming from the beginning and by the time my relationship ended --what I thought had been a foundation for lasting love, was in reality a fantasy based on my own self deception.  Forgiving too much and ignoring even more.

Journaling has helped me.  I made a list of the things which made me end my relationship, because I found I waxing on about the pleasant moments too often.  I have written letters to her in the journal, written letters to myself.

I spend quite a lot of time here on BPD Family reading about what my future very likely would have become.  Intellectually I know i did the right thing for myself walking away, but embracing this on an emotional level is taking some time.  Filling in the endless hours she and I used to talk has been challenging.

Not looking at social media has been very important for me.  I have a compulsion to inform her friends to try to get her help, but I realize this is likely a latent desire for connection on my part, so I have resisted. 

Good luck and stay strong!


Wicker Man

[Pencil sketch]

As always, you provide clarity, and some semblance of understanding. All your comments resonate, and by reading on here, and help from a t, my logical mind, is breathing a huge sigh of relief, as wicker man said, and my t pointed out, had things progressed, and we stayed together, my life would have been made utterly unbearable, and she would have full control over me.
My heart, stil has to catch up, at present, it is crying out for her, and I now know, why this is akin to an addiction.
I take comfort, in the fact, as my therapist told me 'this is how she feels all the time, she is in a constant battle, trying to ignore her true feelings, you supplied her with much needed 'fuel' to function, and in the process, has sucked you dry, the good news is, you have the capacity to love yourself and claim back, what she has taken, in the other hand, she hasn't got the ability to do that, and will just fine another host, it must be an exhausting existence'
As one poster said, they make them our world, and nothing else exists for us, and when that is gone, man, it bites.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Pencil sketch, I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  You might find it helpful to sit with your feelings and just observe, like an outsider, without the need to do anything.  In other words, you might say to yourself, "OK, I'm obsessing about my BPDx, which is a normal part of the detaching process."  Or you could say to yourself, "Just because I still have feelings for her is expected and doesn't mean that I need to do anything."  Instead, suggest you let the feelings pass through you, like a lightning rod discharging electricity into the ground.

LuckyJim

[Wicker Man]

... .she hasn't got the ability to do that, and will just fine another host, it must be an exhausting existence... .

I have immense pity for her.  She lives in a tormented world which I will never fully understand. She was, from time to time, very open with me and I was able to peak into this horrific world.  :)arkness, sadness, and insecurity.

As a codependent people pleaser it was remarkably hard to have to remove myself from our relationship.  To choosing my life over being able to bring her temporary happiness.  What gave me the strength to end things was coming to the realization that she would have very likely left me -and there would have been nothing I could have done to alter this eventuality.  

We were engaged and in her country marriage means having a child.  If I had continued down this path it would have meant my completely and utter immolation.  

Even with all of this firmly in my mind the emotional recover from the loss of her is taking some time.


Wicker Man