First Post: Practical Advise for non-BP in relationship w Undiagnosed BP Spouse

[suaha]

Hello,

I am very new to BPD and am making my way through Stop Walking on Eggshells (2nd Edition).  This book has opened my eyes to what has been a very confusing rollercoaster of a relationship/marriage thus far.  I'm looking forward to gaining a greater understanding of what I can expect, how to gain some resemblance of control in my relationship/life, and to have a support network of folks in similar situations.

My wife has seen numerous professional therapists during her life and has been diagnosed with various conditions (not BPD), prescribed various meds but none that she's liked/stuck with.  She's been on medication once during our 9 years of knowing one another and it was early on while we were dating.  We've tried marriage counseling with some limited success and are re-entering counseling now based on a recent rough patch and a work move that drove us to stop seeing our old counselor.  From the outside looking it our marriage is sound: no infidelity, no drug/alcohol/substance issues, no money issues, similar child rearing philosophies (we have two kiddos soon to be 4 y/o son and a 6 y/o daughter), etc. 

I look forward to and am grateful in advance for the support.

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[pearlsw]

hi suaha,



can you please tell us more about the confusing parts? also what kinds of behaviors in your partner are the most difficult that you are dealing with?

with compassion, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi suaha, let me join pearlsw in welcoming you here! Here you will find lots of people in similar situations to yourself who are completely willing to share their experiences with you and listen to yours.

I have a 5 y/o old son and 2 y/o daughter myself and know that raising kids with a spouse with borderline traits can be an incredible challenge. How has your wife's conditions affected the children? In which areas of your life do you feel you have lost control?

All the best,
~ROE

[Teno]

Welcome Suaha

I'm in the same kind of boat, everything should be right but everything is upside down. My kids are 6 and 8.

Please share I'm also in the process of understanding.

Best
Teno

[suaha]

Thanks for the welcome.  I'd say the most confusing part is in general not knowing what to expect.  I don't know if I'll be viewed as OK or evil which then determines how what I say/do affects the relationship. 

It's difficult to trace the way our children are developing directly back to my W's actions.   I will say that I think out house dynamics definitely ebb and flow based on the current state of conflict in our marriage which has a direct impact on the kiddos.  We see our 6 year old struggling to deal with her very large and intense emotions on a regular basis.  She has exhibited problems controlling her actions in school, not to the point of being in a special program but to the point of needing special attention from her teachers and the school counselor.  These issues seem to intensify in line with the current state of our marriage. 

[pearlsw]

Hi suaha,

Can you give us some more details about what your wife is saying or doing please? Is she upsetting the children with her behaviors?

Have you started learning about and working with the communication tools here on the site?

warmly, pearl.