She said we were soulmates, and I believed it

[Lucky Jim]

Friends,

I heard the same thing many times, expressed in different ways: you are soul mates; there is an aura about you; you have chemistry; you seem happy together; etc., etc.

Looking back, I can see that friends and family observed the strong connection so prevalent in a BPD r/s.  Sure, it's magnetic, and I wanted to believe that I had found true love.

Yet I listened to those folks more than I listened to myself.  We initially postponed our wedding, at my request, which was an attempt to honor my gut feelings.  Yet I convinced myself otherwise and we got married a year later.  All those on the outside, however, had no idea what a BPD r/s is like on the inside.
  
What I'm wondering is whether others sensed problems on the horizon, yet nevertheless proceeded with marriage or other commitment to a pwBPD?  If so, why did you go forward with it?

Lucky

[In a bad way]

         What I'm wondering is whether others sensed problems on the horizon, yet nevertheless proceeded with marriage or other commitment to a pwBPD?  If so, why did you go forward with it?               

Because she was so convincing with her promises.

[pearlsw]

Thanks for this prompt! I appreciate the chance to think this out a bit... .

I saw some red flags, and perhaps should have detoured sooner, but I unfortunately underestimated how bad the situation could get for me personally. I overestimated my strengths and ability to face any problem. I faced problems of a character and size I never imagined for myself, and I've seen problems!  

I did not fully anticipate the extreme level of difficulties I would face, and being overseas and extremely isolated, and with no support beyond myself for most of the time, I was in over my head before I knew it. It didn’t help that every which way I turned I was blocked and so I had to bury a lot internally.

The hardest part is sometimes feeling like I may be too far down the path, and in too deep of a hole to get back out of it on my own. I know how to do breakups, but not one of this magnitude and without my usual resources to fall back on. And not one with someone so unpredictable and extreme. But there has to be a way…and I try to hold onto that so I don’t feel trapped and defeated.

[Struggler123]

Because she was so convincing with her promises.

I’m not sure if this helps, but sometimes its true, its better to have loved than to never have loved. My ex is about to be engaged to someone else, she blames me for not be courageous enough to fight for her and marry her, because I wasn’t ready. I needed time, and I felt like I didnt want to drag her down, it wasnt even about the BPD traits i was willing to push that aside but, the abrupt onset of this new guy, really made me feel like imagine this happened, when i was married to her and she just suddenly left. I can only imagine how your feeling, but experiences help us grow. I don’t know what would have happened if I married her. But, I don’t regret falling for her sometimes we have to take the positive aspects and move on. Cant fight fire with fire. Thoughts?

[Sunfl0wer]

What I'm wondering is whether others sensed problems on the horizon, yet nevertheless proceeded with marriage or other commitment to a pwBPD?  If so, why did you go forward with it?

I rationalized the stuff I saw, pretty convincingly to myself.

When he seemed a wee over involved with his 8 year old daughter... .
I just assumed it was because his divorce was still raw and he was feeling such loss at missing daily time with his child.

I thought he would adjust to parenting and not feel the need to overcompensate for missing his child.  I thought his overdotting over protective, overly enmeshed displays were something that would fade that year as he got used to being a part time daddy.

Yet, we moved in together, all 4 of us.  Her mom up and left state and we gained residential custody of the child.

I thought for sure he would relax his anxious attachment to his child once mom was gone and we had her full time right?  He could now relax?  He knew he would get to spend time with her again.

Even after she moved in with us... .
He lamented... .
I still miss her

For real?

We have her EVERY day.  Mom gets NO time.  It is not enough for him?

Nope!

Short of taking the kid out of school to homeschool her so he could be with her more... .he was an emotional mess missing his damn kid that was living with us every second of the day!  I suggested he wake up and have breakfast with her then.  So that is what he did... .but still missed her?

Idk man... .
Maybe I’m having a rough night
But tonight i want to let myself off the hook a bit cause I really did not predict that one even close.

I missed it.

Now I have a rule... .
No getting serious with anyone who is in the middle of a major life event, crisis or even celebration... .any life event.  They still need time to settle into being the new them and heck... .how can I make sense of their emotions if I expect them to be somewhat distressed by their own circumstances... .idk

[RushFan2112]

I saw red flags within the first few weeks. Flipping out about not inviting him to come to a girls event that was planned months in advance. Telling me, "No woman of MINE is going to dress like that!" Me wanting to break it off so he could take care of his dying estranged wife and him saying, "So you're gonna abandon me?"

Yup, I ignored them. Thought he was scared, stressed out, over-reacting. Had no idea this was just who he is. Then the abuse started, and I stayed because he was 'experiencing terrible pain and grief' over her death... .so there's no way I could abandon him now.

There will always be something, and that something will continue to suck the life out of you until you feel like nothing.

[Lucky Jim]

Thanks, guys, for all your great replies.  Yeah, I bought into the fantasy, without considering that those on the outside had no idea what it was really like on the inside.

I appreciate the way you put it, pearlsw:

I saw some red flags, and perhaps should have detoured sooner, but I unfortunately underestimated how bad the situation could get for me personally. I overestimated my strengths and ability to face any problem. I faced problems of a character and size I never imagined for myself, and I've seen problems! wink

Yes, I underestimated how bad it could get, and I overestimated my ability to crack the BPD Code, which proved way too complex and beyond what I could handle.

LuckyJim

[Wicker Man]

What I'm wondering is whether others sensed problems on the horizon, yet nevertheless proceeded with marriage or other commitment to a pwBPD?  If so, why did you go forward with it?

This should all sound familiar to the point of banality.  You are my 'Knight in shining armor', 'Always and Forever', 'I have never felt this way', I never wanted a child before', 'I never thought I would marry'.  This is heady stuff and feels wonderful to hear.  It was said with sincerity of utter belief in the moment, as I feel in that moment she meant every word. 

I asked her to marry me.  Our engagement lasted until she went on a 7 day rage and in the passion of her hatred for me she said 'We have nothing more to talk about' --she broke up with me. 

I was 'blessed' with a epiphany -romantic way of saying 'minor break down'... .  I realized this was a tool available to her, she could (and likely would) one day leave me.  After some 'soul searching' -romantic way of saying 'agony'... .I agreed with her, we should end our engagement and never speak again.  This was remarkably difficult and painful.

My therapist told me I dodged a bullet. I corrected him and said the bullet struck home, but not the lethal shot it could have been.  I was wounded, but not annihilated. 

I feel thankful for her final rage.  It ultimately saved me from what would have most likely been the biggest mistake of my life thus far. 

I had been blinded by the idea of fairytale love. 


Wicker Man

[ozmatoz]

I too saw some red flags here in there in the beginning.  But she was coming out of a tough situation and things certainly looked brighter in the near future.  We had that "great" relationship and then she became pregnant.  Still young and in love and out of a sense of commitment (FOO related issues there for me) I gave it my best shot.  At the time I had some friends question me but I pressed forward again due to a new baby.

Now that I have knowledge of BPD I look back and would classify my troubles mostly as BPD-lite and if I had known the tools years ago I think I would be in a much better place.  Unfortunately over the last 4 years things really started to go downhill and in the last year or so BPD-lite became BPD-hell.

During these past few years even mutual friends have questioned me as to why I put up with the nonsense.  Many of them who have witnessed her behavior towards me have commented that they would have been long gone.  "kicked her to the curb... ."  Maybe so, but I don't think they really knew how much worse it was behind closed doors.

I thought I could figure it out too, the deeper I got the worse it was.
   

[Harley Quinn]

Great thread LJ. 

I actually knew he had BPD shortly after we met and that he was in treatment.  For me, I believed all of the things he told me about how perfect we were together because I wanted needed to after getting out of a 10 year r/s 18 months prior which had practically destroyed my self worth.  I had no confidence left and just wanted to be 'seen' again for who I am inside.  So knowing he had BPD and knowing he was in treatment I let myself imagine that things were in hand.  He played the part well during the idealisation stage and I really thought, in fact was told by him, that this was as 'bad as it got' when he got mad a couple of times over literally nothing (to me).  I only imagined things getting better over time as he continued his therapy and instead... .Well let's just say it went in the opposite direction fast.  By which point I was hooked, invested and loved him with all my might.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it?  How much I have learned, not only about BPD but about myself.

Love and light x 

[gilac]

I think that she was lucky because she was 9 years younger than me, so I filtered most of the things because she was just 20 and I was kinda, ok, she's far more emotional and euphoric than I am and so on... .

We both knew about her problems with depression and her past (both family and her social problems). I was also convinced in the stories that were her "past". But her depression didn't bother me because I knew how to handle it (I was diagnosed with mild social anxiety) and she did seem thankful for having someone like me who finally understood and didn't want to run away from her depression.

Firs red flags were her more obvious self harming behaviours that she couldn't hide anymore as time went by. That's when I had first thoughts that I might deal with something more serious in the future, but in some 4,5 years ahead.

I always thought that she would rapidly change her mind after two or three years, but never expected all this chaos and confusion. I've never felt so confused in my life when she began destroying our relationship.

[Jeffree]

Unfortunately I didn't give our reunion of having known each other many years prior enough time to percolate before marring my now ex. We were married in 5 months time after reuniting on FB in a long-distance way, so there were no red flags per se... .other than her seemingly being in a bit of a hurry to get married. I understood that to be mostly due to her SO before me never marrying her despite being the bio dad to her kids and their being together for 10+ years.

However, in hindsight, it was apparently too good to be true, but I didn't realize that things being so wonderful and being told such nice things about myself and her thoughtful little gestures and being reasonable and funny and engaging and incredibly sexy were actually red flags. 

It's a mindBLEEP really.

Because on top of my ex possessing just about every quality I could have ever dreamed of having in a spouse, it's not as though there were others banging down my door to be with me. This is really the rub for me... .what makes someone like my ex so extra intoxicating is that she seemed to be genuinely excited to be with me while I was having no luck dating otherwise. Yeah, I did keep trying to check reality while starting out, but it truly did feel like a great start and a wonderful opportunity for us to be one another's corrective experience in love.

I guess it's really what a mirage is. She was an oasis in the middle of my barren dating life.

J

 

[mama-wolf]

I have actually been thinking about the beginning more and more lately.  It’s hard not to let my inner-critic fly off the handle, because my uBPDw told me from the beginning about how messed up her prior relationship was.  It was characterized as mostly her ex’s messed up behavior, but she openly acknowledged that their relationship was mutually abusive.  Mostly in the context of the ex intentionally provoking uBPDw into rages.  But... .man. Why didn’t I see?

I told myself (and she really convinced me) that all of that would never happen again.  And the physical part hasn’t.  But what about the rest?

Now that I have knowledge of BPD I look back and would classify my troubles mostly as BPD-lite and if I had known the tools years ago I think I would be in a much better place.  Unfortunately over the last 4 years things really started to go downhill and in the last year or so BPD-lite became BPD-hell.

I could have typed this statement out word for word.  It wasn’t until after S5 was born that things started getting pretty bad.  Overall, not as bad as much of what is typically shared here... .but gradually escalating. The last two years have been enough to drain me almost completely, leaving me where I am today.

mw

[Lucky Jim]

she openly acknowledged that their relationship was mutually abusive.  Mostly in the context of the ex intentionally provoking uBPDw into rages.  But... .man. Why didn’t I see?

Hey mama-wolf,  Why didn't I see it?  Yup, that is the question.  At the outset of our r/s, my BPDxW related a number of instances of impulsive and/or angry behavior, which I attributed to her immaturity (she is nine years younger than me).  Little did I know that those examples were actually red flags  , indicative of ongoing issues in the future.  I assured myself that she would grow out of those behaviors after we got married; marriage, to the contrary, only intensified the effects of BPD.

LJ

[Jeffree]

Why didn’t I see?

That is indeed the question!

I believe we do see the red flags, but they usually exist in a different context than we understand them in and they easily get explained away.

For instance, a yarn is woven for us by our pwBPD and we believe it because we don't have a reason not to. "My ex was abusive, is a bad parent, a bad person, an alcoholic, a drug addict, had an affair... ." This is part of the getting to know you phase of any relationship.

The pwBPD is relaying to us their version of their ex, which is not accurate in almost all cases. Thus, we tend to view any potential red flags as being the result of their bad experiences with their ex. So we give them a pass until they start accusing us of the very same things they said their ex did to them. By then we're in too deep to just leave. We stay and try to make things better, but they rarely ever get better. .

At some point we look back and see nothing BUT red flags as we piece together what just happened to us.

J

[once removed]

i didnt really have a broad understanding of relationships, how they evolve, devolve, break down. the different stages.

and i think in a lot of ways i mistook intensity for intimacy. the soul mate, chemistry stuff is nice, and it certainly applied to my ex and me, but the stuff that makes for the foundation of a healthy relationship is built slowly and over time, and the initial closeness isnt something that necessarily sustains once the power struggle and conflict in a relationship begin.

there were definitely signs early on that we werent built to last; a lot of competing values, religion being one of them. i think we both swept it all under the rug because we wanted to make it work and last.

[Zemmma]

That question is easy. We fell in love, didn't we?

I still love the parts I love. And yes I saw red flags but who cares when you find LOVE?

I don't regret a moment of it. I value the experience even though I am mad at him for the leaving, for portraying me as bad and misunderstanding me so deeply, for mistrusting me without cause and for allowing himself to believe his distorted version of the truth. I am actually offended, to have opened up to him in this way and shared so much and then be left behind. It is a blow.

I loved him and still love him. He was as good as he was bad. It was always worth it to me. But then he left again. I don't regret our time together, but I do know now it is time to move on and close the door for good.

[mama-wolf]

I believe we do see the red flags, but they usually exist in a different context than we understand them in and they easily get explained away.

The pwBPD is relaying to us their version of their ex, which is not accurate in almost all cases. Thus, we tend to view any potential red flags as being the result of their bad experiences with their ex.

At some point we look back and see nothing BUT red flags as we piece together what just happened to us.

Yes, all of this.  My T also says that in the earlier stages of the relationship, maybe we have more capacity/flexibility to deal with some of the issues, even take some of the abuses, so they're not as much of a problem for us.  But as time goes on, we get worn down and/or other stressors come to play that leave us with less ability to just accept things the way they are.  She used an (intentionally over-simplified) example of how early in her marriage, her husband left dirty clothes lying around all the time, and it wasn't that big a deal... .but now that they have one young child with autism and a new baby on the way, she's done with it and all "you need to figure it out and pick up your mess."

And the love piece is a big one.  Intensity, chemistry, closeness... .of course we want to make it work.  And then at some point we stop and realize we can't recognize ourselves in the mirror and wonder what happened.

mw

[Shawnlam]

Here’s my list of red flags and I used booze to surpress my thoughts on them ,keep in mind I knew her for 5 years before and still nose dived into this :

1: her history of sleeping with half the company yet still dated her
2:her last two relationships and the sheer drama
3:the two kids and two abortions all different men
4: comments like you will leave me
5:I’m yours until you leave me
6: I adore you I’ve never met anyone like you
7. We are soulmates
8: the unplanned pregnancy
9: the constant lying
10: the hiding me from her family and friends
11: the hints she wanted to live at my house
12: and I could keep typing all day