Unworkable custody arrangement, child being emotionally abused, I feel helpless.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

    My fiancé's borderline ex still lives with her parents (I believe her mother is a borderline as well) and has never been able to hold down a job. She has a 5 year old son with my fiancé, who was conceived as a result of birth control sabotage when he tried to leave her. She has never been officially diagnosed but I was a psych major and she meets all 9 criteria. When she ended the relationship, she completely disallowed any access to the child. When my fiancé filed for custody she alleged domestic violence, child abuse etc. I was painted as a drug addict/alcoholic who intends to steal her child. The child was completely withheld for nearly a year while court case was pending. She refused to agree to any visitation in mediation and it eventually went to trial. The judge is known to be an advocate for equal parenting and refused to review evidence or even really hear the case. The end result of this was 60/40 parenting time with the mother having the school district. (arbitrary decision, the parents lived in different counties, the judge decided the school should be the same county as the courthouse.) The father got three weekends a month and the entire summer. Oh, and 20K in legal fees.

      The parenting plan is extremely poorly written. It specifies some exchange times but not others, it says nothing about daycare expenses, prescription medications, items that pass in between households and other provisions that parenting plans typically contain. It fails to define when exchanges should occur in regards to school breaks or holiday. It does contain a moveaway clause. It specifies that there is NO primary parent and both have equal decision making with no provision for a tiebreaker. It only contains two clauses that don't directly relate to the schedule- One is that the parents should not disparage each other, and the other clause is really horrible "either parent may visit the child while on the other parent's time." which is a disaster waiting to happen when she's constantly claiming abuse and calling child protective services. We have been investigated twice, both times she had taken significant efforts. Once she tried to convince the doctor that a sunburn was a black eye, and when the doctor refused to call CPS she called herself and then used the doctors records as evidence that it was indeed a black eye. (I just so happened to have a photo of the date with sunburn) Another time she sent the child to us covered in bruises under his clothes when she knew that CPS would be visiting us. Luckily for us we were smart enough to document his condition at arrival every week. CPS closes the case but wont investigate her because she lives in another county.

       The ex has been completely inflexible about the schedule and has been using the vagueness of the parenting plan plus the fact that she has the child during the school week to withhold as much time as possible. Any disagreement with her over exchange times usually results in threats to call the police/enter the house/drag him to court. Similar behaviors resulted over a flat tire. She shows up at the school when my fiancé drops the child off on Monday mornings and has gone so far as to yank the child out of his arms and drag him away as he screams for daddy. Verbal assaults against both my fiancé and the child have occurred during exchange but the school will take no action nor act as a witness unless she becomes physically violent. The teacher the principal and the guidance counselor have been told in great detail about how abusive and dangerous the father is.

          I suspect munchausens by proxy in addition to BPD as the child has missed 54 days of school all medically excused as she takes him to the doctor over and over again complaining about his severe asthma and allergies even though we have never once seen him wheeze or so much as cough. Child is now being heavily medicated with drugs that have the potential to be harmful based on the mother's description of his symptoms. She repeatedly removes my fiancé's name from the doctors records so its nearly impossible for him to get information. In addition she has in the past instructed him to medicate the child at frequencies much higher than what the doctor has actually ordered on his weekends and threatens to withhold the child/ call child protective services if he doesn't comply. I don't know if she's trying to claim neglect if he doesn't do it, or abuse if he follows her instructions and does overmedicate the child. The doctor is closed weekends so when the mother says on Friday night that the child needs to take asthma medication 10 times per day when he is with us there is no way verify this. And we don't know if the child has been to the doctor because the mother keeps removing the father from the permission list so he is never notified. School is not compulsory yet so we cannot do anything about the fact that she won't send him to school but I suspect she is pulling him out because she is too lonely to be without him.

         To make matters worse we have the child mainly on weekends so we cannot take him to a doctor for a second opinion, we cannot prove that he doesn't have the illnesses the mother claims, and we cannot even take him to a therapist to try to mitigate some of the damage she is doing to him.

      Based on both things we've heard from the child and witnessed directly or indirectly, she regularly puts the child in time out until he tells her he doesn't love daddy anymore. Any mention of daddy usually results in an angry outburst and severe disciplinary action. The child comes over and cries and cries because mommy has told him she will die if he visits his daddy. Last year when he came for the summer she actually told him she was going to be gone and dead and he would never see her again if he went with daddy. He's only 4 and he sulks in his room because mommy needs him to take care of her and he's hurting her by visiting daddy. Because mommy is crying. The child has said he's not safe with daddy, daddy is scary, and daddy is a bad dad wants to kill him. When pressed for further information on why he might say this he replies its because mommy and grandma said so.

      She calls every day when the child is with us and stays on the phone for 20 minutes sometimes repeating the child's name over and over while he cries hysterically because he hates talking on the phone. When my fiancé calls on her time the child is coached to say "I don't like talking to you" and then hang up the phone. Last summer my fiancé foolishly put the child in daycare. She went to the daycare, told all the employees about how dangerous and abusive the father was, and then SAT THERE for 2 hours EVERY DAY staring at the child.

     Any evidence we have is mostly our word against hers (and her parents who live with her) and the attorney doubts the judge will do anything. "My four year old said that... ." is not very good evidence. Not to mention we are still paying the last attorney's bill. This whole thing has pretty much put me into a constant state of anxiety that has been going on well over a year now. The constant threats over scheduling disputes are exhausting and exchanges give me panic attacks. I'm always afraid she will physically harm my fiancé or find someway to get him thrown in jail when he goes. I feel completely helpless watching what she's doing to the poor child and we live in constant fear of doing something to make this worse, or making a mistake that allows her to get sole custody. And I live in constant fear of what this child is going to be like as he gets older.

       Please tell me this gets better. Please tell me that eventually she will screw up and we will be there to catch her when she does. And please tell me its going to be before the child is irreparably damaged.

 

[Solidshadow]

    My fiancé's borderline ex still lives with her parents (I believe her mother is a borderline as well) and has never been able to hold down a job. She has a 5 year old son with my fiancé, who was conceived as a result of birth control sabotage when he tried to leave her. She has never been officially diagnosed but I was a psych major and she meets all 9 criteria. When she ended the relationship, she completely disallowed any access to the child. When my fiancé filed for custody she alleged domestic violence, child abuse etc. I was painted as a drug addict/alcoholic who intends to steal her child. The child was completely withheld for nearly a year while court case was pending. She refused to agree to any visitation in mediation and it eventually went to trial. The judge is known to be an advocate for equal parenting and refused to review evidence or even really hear the case. The end result of this was 60/40 parenting time with the mother having the school district. (arbitrary decision, the parents lived in different counties, the judge decided the school should be the same county as the courthouse.) The father got three weekends a month and the entire summer. Oh, and 20K in legal fees.

      The parenting plan is extremely poorly written. It specifies some exchange times but not others, it says nothing about daycare expenses, prescription medications, items that pass in between households and other provisions that parenting plans typically contain. It fails to define when exchanges should occur in regards to school breaks or holiday. It does contain a moveaway clause. It specifies that there is NO primary parent and both have equal decision making with no provision for a tiebreaker. It only contains two clauses that don't directly relate to the schedule- One is that the parents should not disparage each other, and the other clause is really horrible "either parent may visit the child while on the other parent's time." which is a disaster waiting to happen when she's constantly claiming abuse and calling child protective services. We have been investigated twice, both times she had taken significant efforts. Once she tried to convince the doctor that a sunburn was a black eye, and when the doctor refused to call CPS she called herself and then used the doctors records as evidence that it was indeed a black eye. (I just so happened to have a photo of the date with sunburn) Another time she sent the child to us covered in bruises under his clothes when she knew that CPS would be visiting us. Luckily for us we were smart enough to document his condition at arrival every week. CPS closes the case but wont investigate her because she lives in another county.

       The ex has been completely inflexible about the schedule and has been using the vagueness of the parenting plan plus the fact that she has the child during the school week to withhold as much time as possible. Any disagreement with her over exchange times usually results in threats to call the police/enter the house/drag him to court. Similar behaviors resulted over a flat tire. She shows up at the school when my fiancé drops the child off on Monday mornings and has gone so far as to yank the child out of his arms and drag him away as he screams for daddy. Verbal assaults against both my fiancé and the child have occurred during exchange but the school will take no action nor act as a witness unless she becomes physically violent. The teacher the principal and the guidance counselor have been told in great detail about how abusive and dangerous the father is.

          I suspect munchausens by proxy in addition to BPD as the child has missed 54 days of school all medically excused as she takes him to the doctor over and over again complaining about his severe asthma and allergies even though we have never once seen him wheeze or so much as cough. Child is now being heavily medicated with drugs that have the potential to be harmful based on the mother's description of his symptoms. She repeatedly removes my fiancé's name from the doctors records so its nearly impossible for him to get information. In addition she has in the past instructed him to medicate the child at frequencies much higher than what the doctor has actually ordered on his weekends and threatens to withhold the child/ call child protective services if he doesn't comply. I don't know if she's trying to claim neglect if he doesn't do it, or abuse if he follows her instructions and does overmedicate the child. The doctor is closed weekends so when the mother says on Friday night that the child needs to take asthma medication 10 times per day when he is with us there is no way verify this. And we don't know if the child has been to the doctor because the mother keeps removing the father from the permission list so he is never notified. School is not compulsory yet so we cannot do anything about the fact that she won't send him to school but I suspect she is pulling him out because she is too lonely to be without him.

         To make matters worse we have the child mainly on weekends so we cannot take him to a doctor for a second opinion, we cannot prove that he doesn't have the illnesses the mother claims, and we cannot even take him to a therapist to try to mitigate some of the damage she is doing to him.

      Based on both things we've heard from the child and witnessed directly or indirectly, she regularly puts the child in time out until he tells her he doesn't love daddy anymore. Any mention of daddy usually results in an angry outburst and severe disciplinary action. The child comes over and cries and cries because mommy has told him she will die if he visits his daddy. Last year when he came for the summer she actually told him she was going to be gone and dead and he would never see her again if he went with daddy. He's only 4 and he sulks in his room because mommy needs him to take care of her and he's hurting her by visiting daddy. Because mommy is crying. The child has said he's not safe with daddy, daddy is scary, and daddy is a bad dad wants to kill him. When pressed for further information on why he might say this he replies its because mommy and grandma said so.

      She calls every day when the child is with us and stays on the phone for 20 minutes sometimes repeating the child's name over and over while he cries hysterically because he hates talking on the phone. When my fiancé calls on her time the child is coached to say "I don't like talking to you" and then hang up the phone. Last summer my fiancé foolishly put the child in daycare. She went to the daycare, told all the employees about how dangerous and abusive the father was, and then SAT THERE for 2 hours EVERY DAY staring at the child.

     Any evidence we have is mostly our word against hers (and her parents who live with her) and the attorney doubts the judge will do anything. "My four year old said that... ." is not very good evidence. Not to mention we are still paying the last attorney's bill. This whole thing has pretty much put me into a constant state of anxiety that has been going on well over a year now. The constant threats over scheduling disputes are exhausting and exchanges give me panic attacks. I'm always afraid she will physically harm my fiancé or find someway to get him thrown in jail when he goes. I feel completely helpless watching what she's doing to the poor child and we live in constant fear of doing something to make this worse, or making a mistake that allows her to get sole custody. And I live in constant fear of what this child is going to be like as he gets older.

       Please tell me this gets better. Please tell me that eventually she will screw up and we will be there to catch her when she does. And please tell me its going to be before the child is irreparably damaged.

 

[david]

So sorry to hear.
Things you can do now. Start documenting everything you can. Make journal of things with times and dates.

Go to the pediatrician with the custody order stating joint decision making. Find out what meds are being prescribed for and the amounts. In writing for documentation purposes. Express all concerns and see if doc has reasonable answers. I never believe anything my ex says and she is a nurse. Experience has taught me that lesson.

Video record the incidents when S5 is present. Try to do it without S5 knowing. Are there witnesses at the school that would testify about what is going on ? If so, enlist their help when you go to court. Bring a witness with you. If she is yanking him away and disparaging dad in front of S5 no court will like that. Figure a solution.

My ex once insisted I was bruising our youngest and took him to the pediatrician. That was in the beginning and I was scared I would never see him again. I called my attorney and was told to do nothing. That was not a sufficient answer for me. I went to the pediatrician to get the records. Ex sent me an email telling me what she did and said that she was told that the doc would call me to give me a warning. I never got a call and that is illegal since if the doc suspected abuse he/she is required to report it.

All the problems you have with the current plan need to be addressed. Research and write a new plan that covers the issues and also think about things you can anticipate and write them down too. The majority of our custody order was written by me. About 5 % was written by the judge. I wrote things with no wiggle room. I also wrote that any changes can be made as long as both parents expressly agree in an email exchange. That allows for changes just in case.

 Record the phone exchanges. Recordings may not be allowed in court but police, therapists, custody evaluators, etc. can listen and view such things.

I only communicate with my ex through emails. That has been going on since 2009. I never had an issue that couldn't be communicated that way. It is a good way to document. If you do that realize that a judge may be reading it someday and you do not want anything said from you that would be looked at negatively by the courts.

Judges do not like to make decisions. They prefer both parents to find a solution. If that is not possible they will defer to the parent that is reasonable and has reasonable solutions to problems.  My ex filed a protection order against me claiming she was afraid I was going to physically hurt her. I had a problem picking our boys up during the school year because I picked them up at her place and she would not let them bring their school bags. I simply asked the courts to let me pick the boys up at their school. This way I was miles away from ex so she would not be afraid. Ex hated that, I could see it in her face she my attorney suggested it. Judge loved the idea and asked ex if she agreed . She really had no choice. I told my attorney that I needed it in writing right then and there because I didn't believe ex would agree later. My attorney wrote it up on a legal pad. Judge looked it over and gave it to ex to sign. Then I signed it and then the judge. Days later I went to pick the boys up at their school. I went to the office and was told that I was not allowed to pick the boys up without their moms expressed consent. I had a copy of the order for them. I later learned ex contacted them the day of the protection order.

Focus, when S5 is with you, on establishing a healthy relationship with him. It doesn't happen overnight but eventually it works great.Our boys were 4 and 8 when the s*** hit the fan. They are 15 and 19 now. I have a great relationship with them. Ex does not. They trust me and talk to me. They say very little to ex to protect themselves. They never know what she will do or how she will respond to something. Kids like stability and consistency. That was my winning formula.

[david]

S5 will be starting school soon so you have some time to prepare. Even if he has to go to another school it should be fine at such a young age. Families move all the time.

Save money for the eventual court date and document, document, document.

[livednlearned]

A few quick things, and more later when I have a bit more time.

First, ugh. I'm so sorry S5 is going through this. It's heartbreaking.

Can you take S5 to the doctor during walk-in hours on a Saturday? That would at least give you a sense of whether the conditions and medications are founded. There are clinics that offer these walk-in hours, hopefully you can find one where you live.

Another thing is to consider a custody evaluation that includes an MMPI-2 psychiatric instrument.

You may also want to look for lawyers who specialize in Munchausen's by Proxy, which I think is now called something else. Factitious Disorder on Another? Maybe if you search for medical child abuse, too. That may be how lawyers signal expertise with that type of abuse.

Don't give up hope. Document like you're doing -- it's great that you have been taking photos.

Is your fiance a relatively passive guy? He may need to assert himself with the schools or at the very least insist on being treated as his son's father. It may be wise for you to play a backseat role so that your presence doesn't trigger worst escalations.

Not to mention it's important that you take care of yourself so that you have the strength to support your soon to be husband. He will have to get in front of this train and if you both do that together, the burn out will take its toll. Better to coach him and be his catcher's mitt for when he needs to draw on your strength 

[ForeverDad]

The parenting plan is extremely poorly written... .CPS closes the case but wont investigate her because she lives in another county.

This sounds like a return to court is needed.  Request your list of practical solutions to all the loopholes.  Be forewarned that listing everything in the motion is good but it appears judges pretty much ignore those details.  The need to be submitted in writing and included "on the record" to compel the judge to consider all those issues.  One time I made a neat list of 11 issues all grouped by topic, only three were discussed in court before time ran out, I think we had a half hour, and the rest were never discussed.  My mistake was that I didn't list them by priority.  Lesson learned.  Another time the magistrate's decision said no request was made or income data submitted for Child Support and so since CS would have switched from mother to me, none was ordered.  (Previously ex always had her income imputed as minimum wage since she never once submitted her income.)  I had submitted data in my original filing but the decision ignored it.

I suspect munchausens by proxy in addition to BPD as the child has missed 54 days of school all medically excused as she takes him to the doctor over and over again complaining about his severe asthma and allergies even though we have never once seen him wheeze or so much as cough. Child is now being heavily medicated with drugs that have the potential to be harmful based on the mother's description of his symptoms. She repeatedly removes my fiancé's name from the doctors records so its nearly impossible for him to get information.

My ex kept deleting Father information from children's hospital records despite me being, by that time, Legal Guardian.  Finally I asked the hospital records staff what I could do and then they let me fill out a form where I authorized a lock on the parenting data.

As for phone calls, 20 minutes is a very long time for a preschooler.  How long does she let dad talk on the phone to his child?  Time them.  Log the start and end times, both dad's and mom's calls.  The benefit of a log, calendar, diary or journal is that it will have details — dates, times, locations, witnesses, etc.  Courts generally ignore "he always... ." or "she always... ." as too vague and view them as hearsay that is not actionable.

School did not want to get involved while our divorce was in process.  Son was in kindergarten.)  They even reported that their issues with her had been resolved.  Only his teacher offered to come to court, she would not let his mother come into her classroom, I never did learn precisely why.  Within weeks (April) of my final decree (March) the school board rejected my application for son to remain in their school until the school year ended  (May).  Suddenly they had a list of issues.  That there have been 24 absences is excessive, or at least concerning.  The last time I was in court I was seeking to increase my parenting time from equal to majority.  I testified how I was being repeatedly disparaged.  The school reported that (1) she had far more tardy arrivals than me and (2) she had created an incident when she opposed a school sponsored/monitored field trip when he was in 5th grade.  Guess what, I did get majority time but only during the school year.  What the school reported was taken much more seriously than how I the Father was treated in son's presence.

Any evidence we have is mostly our word against hers (and her parents who live with her) and the attorney doubts the judge will do anything. "My four year old said that... ." is not very good evidence.

My ex would typically, just before a major court hearing or after she had just mad a blunder and she wanted me to look worse than her, she would do precisely that, tell the hospital staff "my son told me... ."  I read that right in the hospital notes.  One time she tried to insinuate I was xxxx abusing my preschooler by saying his bottom was itchy.  Scary, right?  Well, they concluded with 'empirical' evidence that it might be parasitic pinworms (rather than me) and gave her a prescription for a creme or ointment.  I have no idea whether she actually had it filled.  We just can't make this up!

Please tell me this gets better. Please tell me that eventually she will screw up and we will be there to catch her when she does. And please tell me its going to be before the child is irreparably damaged.

Yes, eventually.  Yes, eventually.  Maybe/probably, but with proactive, informed and educated focus gained here so dad can make more informed and more confident decisions, it will turn out "less bad" than he or you fear.

Frankly, court may not order much in changing to father's favor without a Custody Evaluation.  That will get you an in depth consideration of each parent's mental health, their relationship with the child and their parenting behaviors.  Needless to say, it is crucial that dad builds a short list of the most reputable evaluators available, then let her or her attorney select from that most excellent list.  (Courts like that since both parents are involved in the selection.)  If you let her pick whoever she wishes then she'll pick one she hopes will be gullible or intimidated.  The CE can make or break a case depending on the experience and perceptiveness of the evaluator.  They range from horrible to most excellent.

[Solidshadow]

"Go to the pediatrician with the custody order stating joint decision making. Find out what meds are being prescribed for and the amounts. In writing for documentation purposes. Express all concerns and see if doc has reasonable answers. I never believe anything my ex says and she is a nurse. Experience has taught me that lesson."

The problem we are having with the meds and the pediatrician is more complicated than that. The ex lives 40 miles away. The pediatrician is by her. She removes dads info from the account, and then she makes an appointment. Dad is never notified the child has even been to the doctor. During that appointment she may or may not succeed in having the medication schedule changed to something else. Dad knows nothing about this until pickup Friday night. Where the mother presents him with a something totally insane, like steroid breathing treatments for a child with no symptoms 6 times per day. The doctor is closed and there is no way to verify any of this. If he gives the medication 6 times per day she can potentially claim medical abuse if this turns out not to be the actual prescription, if he doesn't give the medication than she can claim neglect. This happens every few weeks. Dad keeps adding his info, and mom keeps removing it.
    We attempted to resolve the issue by scheduling an appointment with that doctor. Mom was of course notified of the appointment, and showed up with both of her parents in tow to talk over dad every time he tried to say anything to do the doctor. During the appointment dad was able to determine that yes, child had been prescribed steroid breathing treatments in the past, but nowhere near the frequency that mom had been insisting on. She then insisted she'd never given dad that information. Dad again added his information together with requesting it not be removed again and was assured it wouldn't be.
         Information was removed again, now ex was claiming child had pneumonia and sent him with antibiotics because dad had not administered breathing treatments according to doctors orders. We sent the doctor a certified letter explaining the situation again and demanding to be notified of all future changes to medication schedules and doctors appointments again and explaining why this is important. We continue to not be notified.

"Video record the incidents when S5 is present. Try to do it without S5 knowing. Are there witnesses at the school that would testify about what is going on ? If so, enlist their help when you go to court. Bring a witness with you. If she is yanking him away and disparaging dad in front of S5 no court will like that. Figure a solution."

School will not act as a witness. School staff will not even acknowledge whether or not they have seen anything when asked since school policy prohibits any involvement unless physical violence between parents occurs on school grounds.

"Judges do not like to make decisions. They prefer both parents to find a solution. If that is not possible they will defer to the parent that is reasonable and has reasonable solutions to problems.  My ex filed a protection order against me claiming she was afraid I was going to physically hurt her. I had a problem picking our boys up during the school year because I picked them up at her place and she would not let them bring their school bags. I simply asked the courts to let me pick the boys up at their school. This way I was miles away from ex so she would not be afraid. Ex hated that, I could see it in her face she my attorney suggested it. Judge loved the idea and asked ex if she agreed . She really had no choice. I told my attorney that I needed it in writing right then and there because I didn't believe ex would agree later. My attorney wrote it up on a legal pad. Judge looked it over and gave it to ex to sign. Then I signed it and then the judge. Days later I went to pick the boys up at their school. I went to the office and was told that I was not allowed to pick the boys up without their moms expressed consent. I had a copy of the order for them. I later learned ex contacted them the day of the protection order."

Believe me this ex would do the exact same thing, fight against exchanges at the school, and then SHOW UP AT the school anyway. This is what she does now. Dad brings child to school every Monday morning, mom approaches in the parking lot and attempts to physically remove child via either simply grabbing him or guilt tripping him and threatening to throw his toys away if he stays by dad while dad attempts to bring child to class without mom's interference. She shows up at the school an hour early to get her visitor pass before dad gets there so she usually successfully takes child while dad is distracted at office filling out pass. It happens every week and the school is willfully blind.

"Focus, when S5 is with you, on establishing a healthy relationship with him. It doesn't happen overnight but eventually it works great.Our boys were 4 and 8 when the s*** hit the fan. They are 15 and 19 now. I have a great relationship with them. Ex does not. They trust me and talk to me. They say very little to ex to protect themselves. They never know what she will do or how she will respond to something. Kids like stability and consistency. That was my winning formula."

Can you advise what this looks like when S5 spends a decent chunk of his time with us crying and screaming i want mommy i hate daddy because of nonsense mom has been putting in his head?

[david]

If you have a custody order that states both parents have joint decision making then the doc is in violation of the order when you are not being informed. It's been my experience docs do not violate court orders or state laws. Show up and let them know you do not want to be removed as this has been happening and is not acceptable. Firm and calm.
The distance is a problem. If this were my situation I would take a day off from work or find an available day and make an appointment to talk to the pediatrician. I would want a sit down and explanation. If the doc is doing the right thing this should clear things up. If the doc is doing something incorrect he/she will probably want nothing to do with S5 anymore because of possible legal consequences.
Our youngest was diagnosed with eczema when he was younger. Ex is a nurse. She started treating him with all kinds of things with no success and insisted I follow her routine. She said the doc was the one that told her. I went to the doc and asked what was going on. Doc told me he never said anything like that. In fact, the doc actually said to shower less and don't use soaps since S5 was young enough to not worry about body odor. A simple rinse would be fine and would probably help lessen the symptoms. I sent an email to ex and she went ballistic in her reply. Back then I would go back and forth with her trying to better explain. I learned that was an effort in futility and eventually stopped doing that.
School may not get involved at this stage. However, given enough experiences with the situation they may change their mind.
MY experience isa little different. My ex convinced the school I was a problem. I realized that when the school was standoffish with me. That was in kindergarten. By second grade one of the teachers figured ex out and contacted me. By third grade the school and I made a plan. We would have a meeting to determine what to do. Once that was done they would contact ex, without me, and let her know what "they" decided. Ex signed off and everything went smooth. No one ear told ex about it. When our youngest went to middle school ex started all her bs again. I was excluded from everything again. I went to the school and could tell from my first conversation I was already the bad guy. I told the woman that she needed to call the principal from the elementary school and call me back. I left. About an hour later I received a call with an apology.
You may want to video the exchanges at school and then walk into the school to talk to the principal and the counselor. You may want to talk to an attorney about the best course of action. There may be a specific way to handle it. Ask them how "we" can resolve this in the best interest of the child. Put the onus on them. They are required by law to do certain things. I am a school teacher and there are requirements for me to legally do things when I just suspect there may be a problem. I remain anonymous but I am required to fill out a form. Every state is different on that so you have to figure out the rules of the game. Education laws are different in different states. One of my SS's had problems in school. Several meetings with his counselor and nothing seemed to be working. Finally the counselor spoke to my ex and I, this was when we were still together, privately. She gave us a pamphlet from a grass roots organization that helped us thru the maze . We had to write a letter to the school with specific words and phrases. That piece of paper set off all kinds of alarms for the school and they became very cooperative after that. This was over 15 year ago and I really don't remember it at all.
It can feel daunting, at first, but as you learn the rules things get easier. You also have to find time for yourself. In the beginning I was so stressed about everything my ex was throwing at me I couldn't see thru the "fog" of war. I learned to adapt and ex stuck with the same game plan. We divorced in 2010 and ex still tries the same things she did back then. They don't work anymore and I handle things much better since I am able to anticipate her moves.

[ForeverDad]

Months before the final decree my son started kindergarten, mother had temp custody so he attended the school in her school district.  One day I got a call from the school nurse, ex hadn't responded.  Nurse said he was behind in required vaccinations.  Ex didn't like them and frankly I didn't want aggressive vaccination schedules either.  (I recall one they wanted at birth was to protect food servers and people with blood infections, I considered that could wait until he was older.  I was middle of the road, not aggressive nor overly denying.)

So I made an appointment for bringing vaccinations up to date.  A few days later I informed the stbEx.  She went ballistic on me then hung up.  Unknown to me she had immediately called the staff and berated them for letting me make the appointment, even cursing hem out.  Doctor then added to the incident notes to fire her and sure enough, she was sent a "withdrawal of services" letter.  Of course she never told me but within a week or so she had him at children's hospital claiming I had beat my son on the shins of all places.  Long story short, she tried to make me look worse than her.  How did I find out what had happened?  I had called the doctor's office, was stonewalled and told to contact their lawyer.  The lawyer refuse to say anything, stating my ex had invoked HIPAA privacy claims.  However, the lawyer added, "By the way, would you like a copy of your son's medical file? (nudge, nudge, hint, hint)"  I was promptly provided it at no cost and that's how I found out about all the stuff stbEx never told me.

Years later after I had become full Legal Guardian I inquired whether son could come back, their legal reply was "Once services withdrawn, no reinstatement."

After the final decree, I had three child cares I used.  The first within weeks filed stalking charges against my ex, then withdrew them after they were told that wasn't the process they were to use.  Soon thereafter I moved my son to my school and registered him in a daycare my ex had used before.  Well, one day she demanded to pick up son before the authorized exchange time.  You guessed it, they "withdrew services" effective at the end of the week.

Be very cautious about video recording.  Schools could probably be very triggered by a parent recording.  It could create a scene all by itself.  (I recall her school listing that ex was video recording in front of the school as one of the reasons they rejected my application for Open Enrollment so son could finish out the last couple months of the school year there.)  However, if you feel you need to document what is happening, ponder whether a pencam in a shirt pocket or something similar would be unobtrusive yet still provide documentation in case needed later.

Also, be cautious about recording children.  Courts don't want kids drawn into the middle of custody disputes nor allow the impression the kids are monitored in that way.  Although my ex knew I had audio recorders, I never waved them around, I knew better than to trigger or inflame incidents.  One member here, david, had his court verbally chastise him for recording exchanges without his ex's approval (two party state).  He didn't want to get false charges (and conviction for a time he didn't record) again so his solution to protect himself from future lies was to record himself.  If his ex interjected herself, well, that was up to her.  So far that strategy has worked.

[david]

I was jailed for a week because of a false allegation. I purchased a video recorder and also an audio recorder when I got out. Our court order states that, during pick ups, I am to stay in my car and ex is to stay in her residence. She would come out of her place many times. The first time I went to pick our boys up after getting out of jail ex came out of her residence and started walking towards my car. I turned the video camera on and pointed it directly at her. She uturned and went back in her place. Happened the second time too. Same results. Ex always brought it up in court and I was yelled at each time. My attorney finally said I needed to stop because I would get in trouble if I didn't I actually. I asked a judge, in court, if he could tell me how I could protect myself from false allegations without recording. I got yelled at for a pretty long time after that question.
That is when I decided to video myself doing absolutely nothing improper. My attorney said he could argue that point in court since there is no law saying I can't record myself.

[livednlearned]

Can you advise what this looks like when S5 spends a decent chunk of his time with us crying and screaming i want mommy i hate daddy because of nonsense mom has been putting in his head?

How do you respond when he's like this?

[Solidshadow]

How do you respond when he's like this?

We've tried several things. Some questionable out of desperation. We tried comforting him the same way you would pick up and coddle a small child crying about anything else, but it really increased the frequency of the behavior. He started doing it at random when he wanted attention, or he didn't want to eat what was on his plate, or to avoid bedtime. Specifically to drag bedtime out as long as possible. Hours if we allowed it.

We tried simply ignoring it. He usually stopped after an hour or so but it's really disruptive and disturbing.

We did once react the same way we figured his mother would. We told him that this behavior was disrespectful towards daddy, and daddy wasn't going to tolerate being disrespected. We then told him that if he didn't want us, then we didn't want anything to do with him either and he was going to be all alone. We told him we were no longer speaking to him, and proceeded to ignore him. THAT did not go over well with him at all. He wailed completely terrified afterwards and trying all kinds of manipulation tactics to get us to talk to him again. (Pretended to fall and hurt his leg, pretended he couldn't breathe) I finally explained an apology was in order and he apologized while crying for a good 15 minutes. This stopped the behavior dead in its tracks for months.

Instead of carrying on he would simply tell us what his mother was doing to him, clearly disturbed by it. (Putting him in timeout once a day until he promised he didn't love daddy anymore, Raging at him for mentioning daddy until he stopped out of terror, Destroying his toys for talking to daddy on the phone.) He kept saying he's not allowed to have a daddy because he's afraid of mommy.
We advised him to never mention daddy in front of mommy, and just told him that at mommy's he's always supposed to say he doesn't love daddy because those are the rules at mommy's house.

    I think he listened to us, because it stopped completely for a few months, and then it started again. Maybe because he forgot and accidentally admitted to loving daddy. Who knows with her. She's completely crazy. Once at the school dad witnessed something really disturbing. She literally pulled the child out of his arms when he tried to hug dad goodbye, and simply carried the crying child away. Dad got his visitors pass anyway, and went to talk to the teacher. He just so happened across his ex and the child in the courtyard, they didn't realize he was there. The child was screaming "I want my daddy!" and mom was holding his shoulders, and shaking him in a rage while screaming "NO, NO NO! MOMMY IS HERE! NO! STOP IT NOW!" The child stopped carrying on as soon as he saw Dad, and dad brought him to class. This lunatic actually posted about the incident on facebook, but in her rendition of what happened the child was screaming that he wanted mommy and she was trying to comfort him and dad was terrifying the child so she couldn't.

 When he started doing it again what had worked before seemed so mean to do to him, he got so upset about it. So now we just respond with something like "when you say that, what I hear is that you don't want a bedtime story right?" He will usually continue until he's lost most of his priviledges for the day anyway, tire himself out eventually and stop. But he keeps doing it. Once a day maybe. Usually when he's tired. Once when he randomly peed in the hallway in the middle the night he responded that way as the reason when we asked him why.

We are really not sure what to do. It seems we are supposed to validate what he's feeling? The last time we tried that he started doing it for hours every day. What do you advise?

[livednlearned]

We are really not sure what to do. It seems we are supposed to validate what he's feeling? The last time we tried that he started doing it for hours every day. What do you advise?

Would you be open to seeing a child psychologist? I did this with my SO when his middle daughter came to live with us and it was so helpful.

Validation is really easy to understand and much harder to do effectively. It often has to be combined with appropriate limit setting and in the heat of a dysregulation, parents can get overwhelmed and everything goes out the window.

I think you're noticing that he does this when he's tired, hungry, or frustrated? That's probably a clue that it's not necessarily about what he says, it's about what he needs. And he doesn't know how to connect how he feels with the right words to describe his needs. That's why validation is so powerful. It gives him a vocabulary for how he feels.

"You seem so sad. Being away from mommy makes you feel really, really sad. You're here with us now, and going from her to us is hard. We really want to hear more about how sad you feel. Can you take three big breaths and then give yourself a big long hug? Sometimes this helps bodies calm down. Is there anything else going on in your body that you can tell us? How does your tummy feel?"

Child psychologists can be kid whisperers with all kinds of activities to try when a sensitive child is feeling overwhelmed.

There's a book called self-reg that might also be helpful. My son's father is BPD, and my son had what some refer to as a sensitive genotype. He is sensitive to things that a neurotypical person would not be phased by. It could be that your step son has some of these sensitivities, and just needs help from caring adults to figure out how to identify them, label them, and soothe himself (or ask for help) in appropriate ways.

Ignoring him is probably terrifying.

You don't want to erase him, you want to make him feel seen and heard.

There are specific skills, and it may take some experimentation to figure out what works for him at different developmental stages.

[worriedStepmom]

I acquired my SD, who has a uBPDMom, when she was 4 (way before I knew about BPD).  She did a lot of that type of crying and wailing, but not as much as your poor SS.  (Her mom isn't nearly as bad as poor SS's mom either.) At first, we tried comforting.  That seemed to make it happen more often.  Then we tried punishment.  That didn't work.  Then we tried validating/training her to self-regulate

We'd give her a hug and use words.  "It sounds like you are tired/hungry/overwhelmed/angry/sad/confused.   Is that right?"  Sometimes we'd go through a lot of emotion words to find the one that fits her.  We experimented with things that calm people down.  We tried distraction (toy/activity), cuddling a lovey, etc.  We finally figured out that she needed time alone in quiet to calm down.  So we'd hug and help her identify the emotion, then walk her to her room, give her another hug, and tell her to take time to calm down and come find us as soon as she was ready for another hug.   It took about three years for most of that behavior to be eliminated.  She's 10 now, and pretty good at asking for time to herself.

If I were your fiance, I would bring a copy of the court order to the doctor's office, without first making an appointment.   After showing it to the office manager and making legal threats (which I would then ask the lawyer to write a letter reiterating what you said to the doctor), I would insist on seeing the doctor and getting a full overview of what is going on with son.

I would meet with the principal of the school, explain the issues occurring on fiance's dropoff days, and ask what can be done to ensure that mother does not traumatize the child.  If the custody agreement says that father has rights to the child until the end of the school day - or even until school starts - they might be able to legally refuse her a visitor pass.

I would ask the lawyer to file for a custody evaluation, therapy for the child (that does not include the mother's presence) and a full medical evaluation by a doctor of your choosing. 

He should also call the police or CPS any time he sees the mother be violent with the child - shaking him in rage or physically pulling him from dad's arms.