Mother is borderline

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Just found out my mother has BPD.  I’ve always suspected something was wrong.  How do you ever come to terms with the pain and heal?

[Nopuppets]

Just found out my mother has BPD.  I’ve always suspected something was wrong.  How do you ever come to terms with the pain and heal?

[Turkish]

Was she diagnosed? What kinds of behaviors has she exhibited which hurt you?

[Nopuppets]

Ok I should say my therapist highly suspects she is borderline.  This has all come out over the past few weeks.  After reading tons of material lightbulbs started going off in my head.  What I’ve read brings back painful memories of my childhood and even adulthood.  Most recently she acted very nasty to me when I called to wish her happy mother’s day.  I sent her flowers which I know she received.  She then left me a voicemail telling me how bad the flowers were.  I haven’t responded.  Trying to break the cycle and protect myself.  I have never been good enough for her.  I now realize this is her problem, but it’s hurtful.  I look at my own daughters and it makes me sad to think back to myself as a little girl.  Fortunately, I have my dad and many other relatives who have always been supportive and great to me.  I feel like it made me a tough chic, but nonetheless it still sucks... .

[Turkish]

 It's very hurtful to be the "not good enough" child.  if she's borderline, then her core feelings are likely "my feelings are inherently worthless and shameful, therefore I am worthless and shameful." Birthdays and gifts tend to be triggers.  She's projecting her bad feelings onto you.  I can't imagine telling my children that and I imagine you can't do the same for your girls. 

We have a lot of material here on BPD and also how to deal with it.  Why not start by looking at the survivor's guide to the right of the board and let us know where you think you are?

Reaching out to others is a good first step.



Turkish

[Nopuppets]

Thank you so much Turkish!  I will take a look at that.  I’m committed to doing what I can to protect myself, my family and to move past the hurt (well as much as I can).  I think I’m on the right track :-)

[Nopuppets]

I feel like I’m on step 4 of the survivors guide to the right.  It’s tough to try and recall each memory.  I started making a list this morning and it’s rather long.  It is already helping to put into perspective what I have gone through.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Nopuppets! 

I want to jump on in along with the Wolf and welcome you.  So glad to have you join us.

My mom was also like yours, an uBPD (undiagnosed BPD). Truly it IS overwhelming and much to digest at the first moments of the light coming on. I certainly understand! You asked

How do you ever come to terms with the pain and heal?

It comes one step at a time, one day at a time and a T session at a time. Don't loose hope because you feel it is either too overwhelming or taking to long. I think it takes time to settle with the discovery first, then the question comes up as to what do I do with this information now? I'd like to suggest a book that has been very helpful to me as I began to unpack just what it meant to me to have been raised by a pwBPD: Surviving a Borderline Parent  This book can easily be used with your T as you work through the suggested questions and thoughts.

No matter where you are in the list, take the time you need. This isn't a race to achieve. It's time for you to heal and provide care for you.

 
Wools

[Turkish]

As Wools said,  it's definitely not a race.  Give yourself grace (a hard thing to do for many of us bring raised in invalidating homes and some in invalidating relationships). Everyone deserves grace.