Update With Mother In Nursing Home

[Our abuse recovery guide]

A Medicare nurse called me the day before yesterday to inform me that my mom had used up a certain number of days on Medicare Part A for therapy and that she would be returning to get original payor. She said that my mom read walking without aids after physical thereapy buy was still confused. This is a change from her yelling,  after I gave permission to put her on anri-psychotropic medication.

I told the nurse that the payor was my mom.  She has to have about $17k in her bank account by now from social security. I told the nurse that I didn't have access to my mom's funds, that I told them over a month ago.  I also told her that my mom made accusations of criminal elder financial abuse against me,  which were investigated and dismissed, which was why I don't have anything to do with her finances.  She said that she was walking into the business office and would tell them.  Two days later,  no call back. Legally,  I don't think there is much I can do to help them, though I'm willing to do whatever I can. 

I'm planning to visit the weekend after next with the kids. 

[Turkish]

A Medicare nurse called me the day before yesterday to inform me that my mom had used up a certain number of days on Medicare Part A for therapy and that she would be returning to get original payor. She said that my mom read walking without aids after physical thereapy buy was still confused. This is a change from her yelling,  after I gave permission to put her on anri-psychotropic medication.

I told the nurse that the payor was my mom.  She has to have about $17k in her bank account by now from social security. I told the nurse that I didn't have access to my mom's funds, that I told them over a month ago.  I also told her that my mom made accusations of criminal elder financial abuse against me,  which were investigated and dismissed, which was why I don't have anything to do with her finances.  She said that she was walking into the business office and would tell them.  Two days later,  no call back. Legally,  I don't think there is much I can do to help them, though I'm willing to do whatever I can. 

I'm planning to visit the weekend after next with the kids. 

[Panda39]

Hi Turkish,

This stuff is so hard to navigate BPD parent or not.   (I managed this stuff for my MIL 10+ years ago - who had 3 kids of her own who never picked up the ball  )

I just wanted to reassure you that you are doing a good job here.  You are being truthful and providing information, and making sound choices when you need to about your mom's care.

I think you will feel better after you have had a visit with her. 

Panda39

[Harri]

Let me join Panda in saying how well you are doing with this.  It is a very complicated situation. 

[Learning2Thrive]

Joining Panda and Harri to remind you that you are doing an amazing job of caring for your mom.

Be kind and gentle with yourself. You are worthy of love and goodness.

[Turkish]

I don't think I'm doing anything though, after taking what I thought she might want from her hotel-apartment and bringing it to her. 

[Learning2Thrive]

You picked up the phone. You answered questions. You gave permission for meds. You follow through. You’re going to take your kids and visit soon. Despite all that she’s done and not done, you’re still willing to do what you can. It’s very complicated, but it always was.

Take good care of you. Your wolf pack needs you.

[Harri]

Joining in with L2T to say yeah *that*.   

[Turkish]

Thanks ladies 

Maybe I have this thing where I think some things will never be good enough.

[Harri]

Turkish said:  "Maybe I have this thing where I think some things will never be good enough."

Good enough for whom?  

P.S. You're welcome! 

[Turkish]

I'm driving me and the kids to go up to the mountains tomorrow.  We'll stay with my BFAM and his wife then make the 40 minute drive north to the nursing home, Sunday morning then drive home from there.  It will be hot, and I have trouble with the heat,  but I'll deal with it. 

The CVS by my house had the photo machines broken.  I had downloaded a recent pic each of the kids to the flash drive on my Keychain.  There's a CVS in the other town.  I'll try there tomorrow and get frames.

S8 told me tonight that their cousin's birthday party was tomorrow and that they were going to that.  I told him what we were doing.  He got upset and said,  "then I'm not going!" I wasn't in the mood to validate and told him that he was. He said "mommy will be angry."

I told him that I didn't care if mommy were angry (she wasn't and wouldn't be but his view of that was interesting) and that I had planned this for weeks and that we were supposed to go two weeks ago until mommy bought the Disney tickets on my weekend and I wanted them to go.  Ok,  so I JADEd and didn't validate. 

I felt badly a tiny bit and returned to the room to explain.  He had opened the desktop and searched on amazon for HALO figurines and that was that.  Moved on.  He went to bed and we were ok. 

It does bug me that the ex laws expect everyone to drop everything for any occasion,  and may be insulted if you don't toe the line.  I know it kind of bugs my ex as well.  Benefits of being a free range lone wolf 

[Panda39]

Try and enjoy the trip and good luck with the photos. 

I'm originally from the Bay Area and haven't been back often in the last 20 years... .dad passed away, mom retired in New England where she is from but I'm vicariously imaging your trip through all of the places I haven't seen in 20 years. I know what you mean about the heat... .cover the steering wheel if you stop for lunch!



I know your mom will appreciate the visit.

Panda39

[Turkish]

Lol Panda,

It was only 5F cooler in San Jose when we got back.  My buddy has a car lift and suggested blowing out the AC radiator. But it would involve pulling bottom end plastics to access it.  He was willing,  but I was hot and said it was OK.  I'd have the dealer check it on the next oil change, to blow it out with compresses air. D complained a little about the lack of back seat air as we drove through Sacramento but she survived.  I have a 2009. In 2010. The Mazdaspeed3 had dual zone climate control and presumably a stronger fan. If I'd known they would have stopped making the car in 2013, I would have traded up.  That was the year of my "divorce" however,  and I was paranoid about money. 

We saw my mom.  She is up and walking now.  The facility is small and we missed her the first round.  I told my son,  "you go around that way,  and I'll meet you on the other side."

D6 had fallen asleep so I was carrying her.  Allergies had gotten to her and her eyes were really red.  She was really pretending to be asleep when we got there. 

I rounded the corner and my mom saw my son and was crying.  So happy to see him.  And she was us as well.  After a while, D "woke up." The front room attendant had her help feed the fish in the freshwater tank in the lobby.  We all walked around the facility. My mom had us stop at several rooms.  She's still an RN, wanting to help people and befriend them. 

There was an upper middle aged guy with downs syndrome in a wheelchair.  He took interest in us,  especially the kids.  He reached out to touch us. I shook his hand a few times.  To my kids' credit, they weren't scared even if he was a little loud.  I can't imagine if my ex were there,  Ms. Momma Bear.

A few of the other residents were happy to see my kids... .Life! I think I better understand how happy the elderly were when I was 12 and 13 and my mom had me hang out out the nursing home,  interacting (because she had no baby sitter), so it was familiar to me.  It was partly boring,  but part of me loved talking to old people.  Lots of wisdom there. 

One of the ladies was barely awake, but she perked up when we walked by and wanted to touch D6. It was OK.  My D was OK,  and the old lady smiled.  So did several others.  Though part of me hated spending many nights on vinyl couches with rough nursing home blankets, I never hated interacting with the residents. 

My mom cried several times.  She tried to hold my hand,  of which I didn't like... .I dud hug her. 

The activities room attendant made them hit cocoa. Of course they loved that.  Then they got into my mom's wheel chair.  I took a pic and wrote "duplicate this pic on 75 years kids." My Facebook is 95% my online photo album for the kids... .because I'm lazy.  S8 was pushing D6.

My mom was in and out of it.  When I tried to tell her that we were leaving.  2.5 hour drive back.  She didn't get it and lapsed into nonsensical stuff. I finally told the attendant,  she she said not to feel badly as she had earlier noticed how happy my mom was to see us, and then seen my mom wander off to talk to others.  So we left after the third time I told my mom we were leaving and she wandered off.

I'm proud of my kids,  especially my son who told my mom that he had been praying for her that she would be able to walk.  Of the faith of a little child! I don't think I told him I was proud of him.  I will when I get them back on Wednesday night.  His sister as well. 

I'll do my best to make it back up there on a month,  despite worse summer heat. And I will likely have to watch them on August in between summer camp and before school starts, so a middle of the week trip in August is likely. 

[Panda39]

That sounds like it went really well. I have memories of visiting my dad's parents in the nursing home Grandma had dementia and Grandpa had had some strokes.  As a little kid I thought it was a fascinating place nothing like anywhere else I had been and yes there is something magical with little kids and old people. 

It sounds like your mom was happy to see everyone... .even if she was a little in and out.  I'm glad for all of you that you got the trip in.

Panda39

[Kwamina]

Hi Wolfish

I am glad the trip went well and that Grandma Wolf was happy to see you and the baby wolves. Also glad that you made it through that heat!

[Harri]

Hiya.  I'm glad things went so well and that you lived to tell the tale! 

I am partial to little kids and older people as well.  They often bring out the best in each other. 

It sounds like the facility is a friendly place and I like how the attendants paid attention to the kids as well.  I assume it is because they want to make the experience as positive as possible as did you.  Love the wheel chair pic and your suggestion the re-create it! 

[Woolspinner2000]

So glad you went, Turkish.  I can tell there were some pleasant memories through it all, perhaps bringing a touch of healing?

When D#2 was in Brownies, they had Grandbuddies" at the nursing home close to us. She made a great friend of a lady whose children never came to see her. She was always thrilled to see D#2 and the years went by with seeing her every so often. When D#2 learned of her Grandbuddy's passing away, she was so sad. She was in Jr. High by then. Visiting a nursing home truly is a special thing if handled well.

Kudos to you for helping your kids to see that there's value in older folks.

 
Wools

[Turkish]

The psychiatrist called me today, a number I didn't recognize.  I let it go to voice mail.  I left him a message.  The shift nursing supervisor (my mom's last working role as an RN) called me a few hours later.  They wanted permission to switch her meds.  From depacote to xyprexa. She's been increasingly agitated, pacing the halls.  Heck, if I were there I'd be pacing too! I need to be nicer to my kids so they don't send me off to a home... .

That is what the Dr.  said.  The nurse said that she is increasingly paranoid.  The staff greets her as they pass but her look is paranoia and anger. She was of course being nice,  but I told her to do whatever they need to do in order to keep her, the staff and patients safe. The nurse said "her dementia is getting worse." Likely true and I resisted the urge to educate her about my mom's lifelong struggles with multiple mental illnesses.  I'll go visit next month,  but if she's not safe to be around, no way in hell up let my kids see that.  They need to be protected.

What a horrible way to live out your last days.  What's next,  restraints? It might come to that. 

I can be pissed about this given how I saw it coming 20 years ago,  for sure 15 years ago when she smirked when I said I should get her declared mentally incompetent unable to take care of herself.  "I'd like to see you try!"   As on the fable The Road To Samara, she ended up where and how I saw it would end up decades ago. 

I'm a little angry about how looking back 15 years how it would have gone better,  like selling her 5 acres before the recession for at least the $300k she could have yielded and downsizing into a more manageable estate. No one ever listens to me.  I had no designs on her money,  even though she told me in the 90s that age wouldn't put me on her title because she knew of too many kids who kicked their parents to the street "but I know you quotient do that."

This is like my ex telegraphing to me that I would cheat on her. How to validate these fears? Three years after she left me for get boy toy,  "I never should have left you!" Really? I really had everybody's best interests at heart,  even at the expense of myself, financially and emotionally.

Sorry,  went off on a rant, making it about me... .I feel like everything sux (<--- this is how we spell it in California). My pups are sleeping safely with me,  even if I had to stop D6 from trying to pee inside the refrigerator an hour ago. That's a new one.  Luckily I heard it it time (trying to open the produce drawer) to redirect her!

[Kwamina]

Hi Wolfish

Yeah, it definitely is a very difficult situation with your mom. I hope her medication will work.

Do you have a good feeling about the staff treating her, also based on what you witnessed yourself when visiting your mom in the nursing home?

No one ever listens to me.

So I think this is not only about your mom anymore To be fair, your mom and ex probably do listen to you, then what you said gets turned into something else through their distorted perception and thinking which triggers negative emotions in them which they then project on to you so everybody can feel as 'wonderful' as they do

How to validate these fears?

Not, don't validate the invalid. If you can't find anything to validate, just don't, still better than validating the invalid.

... .even if I had to stop D6 from trying to pee inside the refrigerator an hour ago. That's a new one.  Luckily I heard it it time (trying to open the produce drawer) to redirect her!

Well since she's a wolf, I guess she was just marking her territory

[Turkish]

Lol.  It seems like the staff is treating her ok.  It was da to see people asleep in wheelchairs in the hallways,  some perking up when my kids went by.  Life is indeed a vapor as The Preacher wrote over 2500 years ago. I'm not there,  but I often feel tired,  so tired, and sad. I feel the med to do something, but I don't know what to do. 

[Kwamina]

It is sad Turkish, she is your mother and it is sad that things are the way they are.

I feel the med to do something, but I don't know what to do. 

Some things we just cannot fix, but there are still things you can do by focusing on the things you can control:
- Practice self-care, meditation, mindfulness etc. as you clearly express feeling so very tired
- Keep being the stellar dad you've been to your children I am very impressed by you as a person Wolfish
- Keep caring for your mother and monitoring the situation from a distance as best as you can while visiting her now and then when you feel up to it

The Board Parrot

[Turkish]

They called me this afternoon and she's going to the hospital.  She's complaining of stomach pain and has been holding her side so she's going for an ultrasound. 

[Kwamina]

Hmmm... .let's see what the hospital says then. Have you heard anything more from them?

How are you holding up? (And how's the refrigerator?  )

[Harri]

Hi there.  Too funny about your little wolf cub and the fridge.  Maybe she wanted to cool off at the same time?  I had a cat who loved to hang out in the fridge... .I'd often find him huddled behind the lettuce until I finally got it in my head to look for him before closing the door!  Thank god the freezer was on top!

She's been increasingly agitated, pacing the halls.  Heck, if I were there I'd be pacing too! I need to be nicer to my kids so they don't send me off to a home... .What a horrible way to live out your last days.  What's next,  restraints? It might come to that.

  If it does, it does.  Try not to put your own interpretation on this if you can.  Chances are pretty good that she is not really aware of what is happening.  It is much better that this is happening in a skilled facility where they can monitor and protect her rather than living on her own in the mountains.  I know that is sad (devastating?) to think about.

I understand wanting to do something.  Remember though, you already are doing the only things you can do.  You can't fix this or help her.  It is up to the professionals who know how to help her.

Do keep us posted.  I will be praying for you and your mother.

 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey Turkish,

First order of duty  

Secondly, when my uBPDm was in the hospital the 2 weeks before she died, the traits of her BPD behaviors came out pretty strong. The nurses saw it; I felt embarrassed and the need to explain. They were good though, seeing through her hiding extra food between the pages of a magazine so she didn't have to eat and worry about her weight, being understanding when she saw rabbits up in the curtains, or when she complained of hearing the nurses whispering about her behind her back. All the paranoia came out, and we couldn't stop it. They gave her washcloths and towels to fold, and it helped to sooth her, no matter how many times she folded the same ones over and over. She wasn't on any meds either, not even pain meds after removal of the brain tumor.

It was hard to watch, disconcerting. I kept telling myself that if I made it through all those years of dysfunction, I could make it through a few more days or weeks until she passed away (by that time we knew she was not going to live). It's true that there's not much you can do, but you can be there when you can because that helps to soothe your own wounded places. Is it possible to call her by phone to talk?

 
Wools

PS My sister's cat used to go to the bathroom in the open dishwasher!

[Kwamina]

How's your mom doing Turkish? Any updates?

Take care  (very discrete parrot hug)

[Turkish]

awkward paw to feathered wing hug back. 

Haven't heard anything so that means ok.  The hospital called me last time for the pneumonia.  No news is good news.