Did your BPD follow you after a move?

[ijustwantpeace]

I am selling my house and moving to another state to get away from my BPD mother.

I am so overwhelmed by her trying to divorce my brothers second wife that I can't handle it.

I am concerned she will follow me to my new state as she has forwarded me job posting for RNs in my new city. 


Did your BPD follow you after your move?

[HappyChappy]

With someone with BPD past behaviour is normally the best indication of future behaviour. Does your BPD have stalker tendencies ? Meaning, if you were absolutely clear that you would never meet her on home ground, would she still follow you ? Would she have to sell a house, would she be leaving much behind ?

Is it possible for you to just hide your new address using a PO box ? One of my siblings told our parents they were living in a cheap one room hotel, i.e. no room for anyone to visit. They kept that pretence up for about 10 years. On the one occasion they did just drop by, the excuse was they were on holiday so why waist money on a hotel room ?

A BPD doesn't like to go without narcisstic supply, so I'm guessing they would want to be sure they had your attention if they did move and they probably wouldn't want to lose any existing attention. Maybe you could try medium chill with your Mom, to wean her off you ?

[ijustwantpeace]

With someone with BPD past behaviour is normally the best indication of future behaviour. Does your BPD have stalker tendencies ? Meaning, if you were absolutely clear that you would never meet her on home ground, would she still follow you ? Would she have to sell a house, would she be leaving much behind ?

Is it possible for you to just hide your new address using a PO box ? One of my siblings told our parents they were living in a cheap one room hotel, i.e. no room for anyone to visit. They kept that pretence up for about 10 years. On the one occasion they did just drop by, the excuse was they were on holiday so why waist money on a hotel room ?

A BPD doesn't like to go without narcisstic supply, so I'm guessing they would want to be sure they had your attention if they did move and they probably wouldn't want to lose any existing attention. Maybe you could try medium chill with your Mom, to wean her off you ?

What is medium chill?

[HappyChappy]

Medium chill is basically where you are emotionless with your BPD, without being rude or provocative. So you do not rise to any provocation, do not get drawn into any drama but you also do not ignore them.  Basically someone with BPD manipulates us emotionally. If we react the way they want, they know they still have us on the hook. So medium chill is demonstrating we are no longer on their hook. Over time they tend to lose interest and find someone who does react to their provocation. The Police tend to be very good at medium chill "Nothing to see here, move along.". So monotone voice, non committal, don't engage beyond niceties but don't ignore them. I did this with my BPD mom and it worked well.

Remember, someone with BPD doesn't really care where or who the narcisstic supply comes from, they do not have loyalty as we know it. Could this work in your situation ?

[ijustwantpeace]

Medium chill is basically where you are emotionless with your BPD, without being rude or provocative. So you do not rise to any provocation, do not get drawn into any drama but you also do not ignore them.  Basically someone with BPD manipulates us emotionally. If we react the way they want, they know they still have us on the hook. So medium chill is demonstrating we are no longer on their hook. Over time they tend to lose interest and find someone who does react to their provocation. The Police tend to be very good at medium chill "Nothing to see here, move along.". So monotone voice, non committal, don't engage beyond niceties but don't ignore them. I did this with my BPD mom and it worked well.

Remember, someone with BPD doesn't really care where or who the narcisstic supply comes from, they do not have loyalty as we know it. Could this work in your situation ?

My current plan was working well.  I just worked lots of hours and said I could not get together.

The problem is I have had so many bad experiences with her that I have a bit of PTSD from it all.

She causes so much trouble for me and my brother so when I heard she is attempting to break up his second marriage I just lost it.

I told her I never wanted to see her again.

Things are getting down to an animal level.

[GreenRoad]

I don't blame you for wanting to move to another state to get away.

I got married in 2015 and a few months later moved to another part of the state, about 7 hours from my mom. My reason for moving wasn't to get away from her, though it was an advantage. She proceeded to apply for jobs and even got offered one in our new town, and then asked if she could move in with us for awhile once we moved. I set a firm boundary and said no, and she didn't have money or credit to get a place of her own, so she didn't take the job and is now living with my grandma (her mom) in our old city. At the time, she was very upset about us saying no, and I'm sure to this day still holds it against me. She refused to consider we were newlyweds that had just sold our first house, made a pretty major move, and started new jobs in a completely new area. That's a lot of change in one year, and it was super frustrating to me that she wanted to "tag along". She asked me during her last visit if eventually she could put a tiny house on our property and live there, so clearly my "boundary setting" didn't quite get through to her. Currently we're NC since I set some other boundaries she was upset about, and I'm trying to figure out what I want and what is possible for our relationship moving forward.

[ijustwantpeace]

I don't blame you for wanting to move to another state to get away.

I got married in 2015 and a few months later moved to another part of the state, about 7 hours from my mom. My reason for moving wasn't to get away from her, though it was an advantage. She proceeded to apply for jobs and even got offered one in our new town, and then asked if she could move in with us for awhile once we moved. I set a firm boundary and said no, and she didn't have money or credit to get a place of her own, so she didn't take the job and is now living with my grandma (her mom) in our old city. At the time, she was very upset about us saying no, and I'm sure to this day still holds it against me. She refused to consider we were newlyweds that had just sold our first house, made a pretty major move, and started new jobs in a completely new area. That's a lot of change in one year, and it was super frustrating to me that she wanted to "tag along". She asked me during her last visit if eventually she could put a tiny house on our property and live there, so clearly my "boundary setting" didn't quite get through to her. Currently we're NC since I set some other boundaries she was upset about, and I'm trying to figure out what I want and what is possible for our relationship moving forward.

Thanks for the very helpful reply GreenRoad!  I feel much better knowing I am not crazy.

I tried to show her compassion by telling her people don't like her controlling behavior, and looking for jobs and asking to move in to better control you is unacceptable.

[Amethyste]

She asked me during her last visit if eventually she could put a tiny house on our property and live there, so clearly my "boundary setting" didn't quite get through to her.

That is shocking 

[busybee1116]

My parents followed me before I really knew much about BPD. When I finally learned about BPD and started to get some tools, I tried applying them.  I quickly realized that showing anger (even if using EAR), being firm, being assertive backfired for me – – I just created more drama.  I learned in my case, BPD means managing my mother. Medium chill worked like a charm for me, and when I set boundaries, they actually moved to another state. I didn’t actually create boundaries verbally with them, I just made them happen. That meant phone calls became much shorter (oops, gotta go, something on the stove boiling over… oops got to go, neighbor at the door and they look mad at me… I’ve got to go, cat threw up— I’m sure they think we are the most accident prone people, but I do not care if white lies that make me look a little clumsy or bad gets her off the phone) and my emails to them became BIFF or just a picture and greeting.  Initially, I actually contacted her more frequently – – but with incredibly brevity. Then, I started to taper back how frequently. I knew that if I went brief and less often to begin, She would start showing up unannounced at work or home. But this technique – – I became boring and she went looking for drama elsewhere. And ultimately, in another state!

[ijustwantpeace]

That is shocking 

This is my problem.  It as if she does not hear a single word I say.

[ijustwantpeace]

My parents followed me before I really knew much about BPD. When I finally learned about BPD and started to get some tools, I tried applying them.  I quickly realized that showing anger (even if using EAR), being firm, being assertive backfired for me – – I just created more drama.  I learned in my case, BPD means managing my mother. Medium chill worked like a charm for me, and when I set boundaries, they actually moved to another state. I didn’t actually create boundaries verbally with them, I just made them happen. That meant phone calls became much shorter (oops, gotta go, something on the stove boiling over… oops got to go, neighbor at the door and they look mad at me… I’ve got to go, cat threw up— I’m sure they think we are the most accident prone people, but I do not care if white lies that make me look a little clumsy or bad gets her off the phone) and my emails to them became BIFF or just a picture and greeting.  Initially, I actually contacted her more frequently – – but with incredibly brevity. Then, I started to taper back how frequently. I knew that if I went brief and less often to begin, She would start showing up unannounced at work or home. But this technique – – I became boring and she went looking for drama elsewhere. And ultimately, in another state!

Thanks for sharing your results with medium chill.

[Learning2Thrive]

I am selling my house and moving to another state to get away from my BPD mother.

If this is the case (that you are selling your house and moving to another state to get away from her)... .  In your situation I (personally) would do everything within my power to make sure she does not know where I am moving OR, I would choose to move to a location that she would not feel comfortable moving to (if she were to consider moving herself later). But that's just me.

[ijustwantpeace]

If this is the case (that you are selling your house and moving to another state to get away from her)... .  In your situation I (personally) would do everything within my power to make sure she does not know where I am moving OR, I would choose to move to a location that she would not feel comfortable moving to (if she were to consider moving herself later). But that's just me.

Like alaska. Lol

[Encouraged]

So monotone voice, non committal, don't engage beyond niceties but don't ignore them. I did this with my BPD mom and it worked well.

This has been working for me for the past few encounters.