It took me decades to say "enough."

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Dear Friends,

It's been a while since I've posted.

I have been processing hurt and confusion since fall of 2017.  It has been a tough road with dealing with dysfunctional family pattern dynamics and I've finally decided to go no contact with a BPD family member who has used passive aggressive behavioral dynamics and anger to control the behavior of those around her.  Her behavior indicates BPD traits and I don't know if she has been diagnosed but I do know that when she gets into a lot of trouble, she goes back to therapy and promises to be better.

It took me decades to say "enough."  I've caused rupture to happen with my extended family and vacillate between feeling angry and guilty for calling out the mean spirited, small hearted behavior and relief for walking away from craziness.  Even though I understand that her behavior stems from illness, I also see her symptoms as getting worse over time and her behavior to be more provocative, as if she is testing others to respond to her aggressively.  I wonder how long it will take for me to wake up feeling freed from this incredibly toxic relationship.  

Any and all supportive words right now will be put to great use so I thank you in advance for your response!

Warmly,
Andrea2

[Andrea2]

Dear Friends,

It's been a while since I've posted.

I have been processing hurt and confusion since fall of 2017.  It has been a tough road with dealing with dysfunctional family pattern dynamics and I've finally decided to go no contact with a BPD family member who has used passive aggressive behavioral dynamics and anger to control the behavior of those around her.  Her behavior indicates BPD traits and I don't know if she has been diagnosed but I do know that when she gets into a lot of trouble, she goes back to therapy and promises to be better.

It took me decades to say "enough."  I've caused rupture to happen with my extended family and vacillate between feeling angry and guilty for calling out the mean spirited, small hearted behavior and relief for walking away from craziness.  Even though I understand that her behavior stems from illness, I also see her symptoms as getting worse over time and her behavior to be more provocative, as if she is testing others to respond to her aggressively.  I wonder how long it will take for me to wake up feeling freed from this incredibly toxic relationship.  

Any and all supportive words right now will be put to great use so I thank you in advance for your response!

Warmly,
Andrea2

[Jersey G]

I'm so sorry to read your journey.  I too just recently said "no more" to the craziness after 34 years and have been saddened by the response of some closest to me.  I've had to realize that I'm not doing this TO my family- but FOR my family.  What you are doing is what healthy people do... .they make healthy choices and establish healthy boundaries. I know it's so painful... .hang in there!  Keep making healthy decisions not based on fear, obligation or guilt!  You indeed are braver and stronger than you think.

[Learning2Thrive]

It is not unusual for survivors of parental abuse to live in denial and/or even defend and protect their abusers.

I knew something was wrong for many years but I lived in denial and even defended my uNPD mother for 30 years.

 It took another decade plus for me to realize the truth, break free from the FOG and develop clear & healthy boundaries.

Be kind to yourself. You are worthy of love and respect.

[cedarview]

Hi Andrea2,

Sounds like you are feeling isolated because you have chosen to actually address issues with this family member and take steps to avoid further abuse to you. Never underestimate the lengths people will go to preserve a sense of "normalcy" and status quo even in the face of the worst behavior. Just because you have been strong enough to see things clearly and start taking care of yourself doesn't mean that others around you or in your family will be on the same page as you. In a perfect world you would be an example for them to follow! We have been processing hurt and anger since the Fall of 2017 as well, and it does get easier on a day to day basis. Unfortunately my uBPD mother and uNPD father remain looming large in my thoughts and in discussions with my wife and I don't know when that will change. For right now we are still hurt by their behavior but it is getting less intense as we remain NC. There are so many of us out here who are feeling the same feelings and experiencing the same troubles that you are. There is no reason you cannot come out on the other side as a stronger person; setting boundaries and protecting your integrity as a human being deserving of love and respect is an important first step.

cview

[zachira]

I really identified with your story, as I too have been processing hurt and confusion since fall 2017. You have decided to go NC with a BPD family member. Since fall 2017, I have been limiting my contact with 3 BPD family members, after enduring decades of abuse. I am sharing some details of my story with you, because we have been processing our hurt and confusion about the same length of time. Some days I feel devastated by what has happened, and other days I realize I am indeed doing better, and with time will feel even better as I am doing what is right for me, as painful as it is. I do not feel that I will ever completely heal from all the abuse, yet I know there will come a time when I feel that I can accept what has happened. I know that every time I have faced and come to terms with what I have to do about my feelings over my interactions with my BPD family members, that in the end I have come out stronger and more comfortable in my own skin. Everyone is different in how they grieve and how long they need before they feel better. Keep us posted on how you are doing, as we are here to listen anytime.

[Learning2Thrive]

Dear Andrea2,

I have been thinking about your post and wanted to say, "Hang in there."

Self-care and maintaining strong, healthy boundaries are a must. Awareness is crucial. Being aware of the patterns and cycles of dysfunctional family members is so helpful in protecting yourself from being caught off guard.

I also want to add that--in my experience--it does get better over time and as I continue to let go of what no longer serves me (primarily anger over my abusive/neglectful childhood) and develop my own healthy circle of family and friends. However, I have also begun to notice that periodically an unexpected (extended) family member who typically has had no contact (in some cases, for decades) suddenly "seeks me out". Every single time I have been receptive to opening a conversation with that person, the conversation quickly turns to how much my uNPD mother loves me and I should forgive and go back to the way things were.  This person is a clueless flying monkey... .a pawn being used by uNPD mother.

Now I know who stirred the pot and instigated this unexpected contact to try to suck me back in. Unfortunately, it does me no good to try to explain the situation or educate the flying monkey. My uNPD mother has sold them her sad load of BS and they have bought her whole manipulative story (poor, helpless old lady) hook, line and sinker.

Do you think something like that may be happening in your case, as well?

Sigh... .stay strong in protecting yourself and remember, healthy boundaries are always respected by healthy people.