Living with uBPD mother, health issues, DV and PTSD

[Amethyste]

Hello,

I recently found out my mother is borderline.
Sorry in advance for my English but I haven't found a similar forum in my language so I thought I would post here.
My mother was NC with my older sister from 2007 to 2017 and when my sister started being home with my mom and I, she told me there is something wrong with my mom and she asked me how have I lived with her alone for 5 years.
My mother also stopped talking with my other sister for 5 years who has children but my mom doesn't want to know them because they are half black.
And as far as with me since I've been living with her alone I've started getting eczema all over my body when I have never had health issues before. I suspect I also have ptsd.
I'm planning on leaving her this year, I hope so anyway.
She hit me a few days ago too for a question I asked. I'm 27 so it was shocking.
We are a religious family so she has justified a lot of her behaviour with religion such as not going out when we hit puberty etc but now we know it was her borderline.
My sister basically raised me. My mom was busy working from 5am to 9pm. I think her addiction was work. And now I believe it was an excuse not to cook for us and take care of us. We were isolated.
I'm waiting to see a therapist as I'm a very anxious and a shy person so it's not easy for me.
I don't why I'm posting but I'm just glad I can share my story with people who can understand me as when I critize my mother to people they tell me it can't be true because mothers are always good so it's frustrating.
Thank you for this forum when I get anxious it helps me to read stories similar to mine.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  You will find everyone here will be able to relate to many aspects of your situation and can give you validation, support and feedback as needed so I am glad you found us.

I am sorry to hear about your eczema.  It is my understanding that it is often related to stress and unfortunately, it seems you have plenty of that going on. 

About your mom hitting you... .has that happened before?  Are you safe?  Do you have a place to go if needed?  What sort of support system, other than here, do you have?  What is your relationship like with your sisters?  What does a typical day in your life look like?

Sorry for all the questions, but i want to understand your situation so we know how best to help you.   

[Harri]

Are you in the US? 

I am concerned about the physical violence in your home.  Even if it only happened once, once it does happen, it can escalate.  I am not saying it will, but I do want you to be prepared.  You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 if you are in the US.  They also have a website that you can visit at thehotline.org.  There is a Chat now button on each page if you would rather use that to talk with someone.  Of course we are here too but they have people there 24/7. 

I am not saying it will get worse, but I'd rather have you prepared. 

[Learning2Thrive]

I don't why I'm posting but I'm just glad I can share my story with people who can understand me as when I critize my mother to people they tell me it can't be true because mothers are always good so it's frustrating.
Thank you for this forum when I get anxious it helps me to read stories similar to mine.

 and welcome. Yes. So many of us here know very well that not all mothers are good. You’re not alone. It’s good that you are reaching out and sharing.

[Amethyste]

Im sorry I don't know how to quote you guys.
@Harri, no I'm not in the US I live in Europe. Thank you for your advice. My mom has not illtreated us physically growing up but she could on rare occasions hit us when she was in a rage.
I'm not scared because she knows now that my sisters are ready to help me. I was about to pack up and leave after that happened, I called my sister to come and get me. But I realised it was better to leave in peace and wait until we aren't arguing because she would go NC with me forever and pretend it's my fault.
She always acts like a victim when she is the one freaking out over small things.
I cook and clean at home, but she says I don't do anything that I'm lazy.
I don't work as I'm unable physically and mentally. I feel stuck and hopefuless.
I'm at home pretty much all day, it's like I'm paralysed. She talks All day about her own life she complains all day about her job her health and anything under the sun? But if I don't listen to her she says I'm a bad daughter and lash out at me. So I feel guilty and hopeless.
I have told my story to people who work for the state a few months ago and its possible I may go to a shelter and eventually after few years get my own place owned by the state. I'm praying for this. And if it does not work my sister is ready to move to another "state" with me and start all over from there. I want to live my life, work and enjoy normal things and get my health back.
2018 is the year I've suffered in silence for too long to protect her but she does not deserve it.

[Amethyste]

What is so infuriating is that when we were children  we were alone at home after school and all the neighbours and people around always justified her behaviour by the fact that she was a single mother who was raising children and who worked hard for us.
It's fine she worked but she could of hired a nanny. There was no adult in our life ever, until we became adults. We were locked at home because we had no right to go out and have friends. 
I've accepted it but it just bothers me that people still say today oh you should take care of your mother because she raised you well she has been a very good mother.

[Amethyste]

Also when we were children she was always busy at work and on holidays she would send us to holiday camps so as not to take care of us.
We never ate dinner until my sister was old enough to cook.
On weekends she would cook sometimes but often times she was out with her friends. She had many friends back then. But now it's the total opposite she doesn't want to see her friends and all she wants is to spend time with me she stays at home all day and expects me to listen to her. When I go out with my sisters she hates it and gets super mad at me.
But I can't take it anymore everything is telling me to go. I can't wait to finally be free.
Sorry for all the messages btw but it feels good to share my story.
I know I should see a therapist but I'm not ready yet, when I leave this place and get my life back I will. 

[deirdre]

amethyste
I am glad you have found your way here and are sharing your story with us. I feel for you and your situation, you have had to go through a lot in your life so far, on your own with little help. I am happy to hear you are reaching out so you don't have to continue doing life alone.
 

I was about to pack up and leave after that happened, I called my sister to come and get me. But I realised it was better to leave in peace and wait until we aren't arguing because she would go NC with me forever and pretend it's my fault.

I have stayed in not great situations for a lot time as well because I didn't want to leave in anger and during conflict. But then once things calmed down I would decide it is fine and just push away the bad situation, say everything is fine now and stay also a lot of FOG going on... .I am getting stronger though as it seems you are as well! It is exciting to be on a path to getting into a better place physically and mentally.

since I've been living with her alone I've started getting eczema all over my body when I have never had health issues before. I suspect I also have ptsd.

I have struggled with a lot of stress related health problems as well. It has been most of my life though, I didn't fully connect the health problems with my situation until recently. I have had suspicions though, I have been spending a month out of each summer with my siblings in another state for the past 5 years. The last few years I noticed that a lot of my health problems and severe allergies were not as bad when I would visit. I could eat foods that would normally make me ill and feel fine. My sister has cats and dogs which I am highly allergic to cats and semi allergic to dogs and I wouldn't have any major reactions (I would stay on my allergy meds though but they never seem to help all the way). It has kind of shown me that a lot of my health problems and allergies are connected to living with my parents and the constant stress. So you are definitely not alone in this! I am working on moving out in a month or so, hoping that I can heal better and faster in a different environment. Though I have had a lot of breakthroughs even living in the same situation and healing is still taking place.

What is so infuriating is that when we were children  we were alone at home after school and all the neighbours and people around always justified her behaviour by the fact that she was a single mother who was raising children and who worked hard for us.

I am so sorry to here you were left alone so much and had to raise yourself. Please keep sharing with us, a lot of people here give some really great advice on ways to cope and help deal with living in such a high stress environment and dealing with past hurts as well.

I have told my story to people who work for the state a few months ago

I know how hard it is to share, I have struggled a lot with allowing myself to talk about my situation and past. I am glad you have the courage to do so! Talking to the state about your situation took a great deal of bravery on your part!

[Harri]

Okay, so I am very glad to hear that you have support from your sisters and that if necessary you will talk to people who can possibly help you.  That is excellent and like Deirdre said, takes a lot of courage. 

Sharing your story can be very helpful and offer relief.  As you can read, Deirdre has a similar situation and I did too.  I lived in my parents home until my mid to late 30's.  Additionally, so many of us here can relate to the frustration of outsiders thinking and telling us how wonderful our mothers (parents) were.  Outsiders looking in do not see the whole picture and sometimes they are caught up in their own ideas of motherhood, miss how they are dysfunctional in their own lives and are in denial about it all.  It is still frustrating though isn't it? 

I think having a plan and resources available is a wise thing to do before moving out.  You will need support and resources so that you can build and change your life. 

I understand the guilt you feel.  I used to feel that too and even when I decided to move out and after, I still felt it.  We were conditioned to feel guilt to believe we are responsible for the happiness of our parents and to put our needs aside.  Have you had a chance to read any of the articles here?  There is one in particular called F.O.G. which stands for Fear, obligation and guilt.  We also have tools that you can use to improve communication between you and your mother.  The tools can help make your life better while you work on getting out.  They can also help with the guilt you feel by helping you separate from your mothers feelings.  Don't JADE is a good one to start with. 

Please ask questions and post as you feel the need.  We all understand and can be very supportive as you work to get yourself out of a very difficult situation.

[Amethyste]

amethyste
I am glad you have found your way here and are sharing your story with us. I feel for you and your situation, you have had to go through a lot in your life so far, on your own with little help. I am happy to hear you are reaching out so you don't have to continue doing life alone.
 I have stayed in not great situations for a lot time as well because I didn't want to leave in anger and during conflict. But then once things calmed down I would decide it is fine and just push away the bad situation, say everything is fine now and stay also a lot of FOG going on... .I am getting stronger though as it seems you are as well! It is exciting to be on a path to getting into a better place physically and mentally.I have struggled with a lot of stress related health problems as well. It has been most of my life though, I didn't fully connect the health problems with my situation until recently. I have had suspicions though, I have been spending a month out of each summer with my siblings in another state for the past 5 years. The last few years I noticed that a lot of my health problems and severe allergies were not as bad when I would visit. I could eat foods that would normally make me ill and feel fine. My sister has cats and dogs which I am highly allergic to cats and semi allergic to dogs and I wouldn't have any major reactions (I would stay on my allergy meds though but they never seem to help all the way). It has kind of shown me that a lot of my health problems and allergies are connected to living with my parents and the constant stress. So you are definitely not alone in this! I am working on moving out in a month or so, hoping that I can heal better and faster in a different environment. Though I have had a lot of breakthroughs even living in the same situation and healing is still taking place. I am so sorry to here you were left alone so much and had to raise yourself. Please keep sharing with us, a lot of people here give some really great advice on ways to cope and help deal with living in such a high stress environment and dealing with past hurts as well. I know how hard it is to share, I have struggled a lot with allowing myself to talk about my situation and past. I am glad you have the courage to do so! Talking to the state about your situation took a great deal of bravery on your part!

Thank you for your words deirdre. It's not easy to have parents with personality disorders.
I'm sure your health problems are related to your parents too.
Personally I never had eczema before. No idea what it was. No one in my family has it so I got really scared when it started to appear on my skin.
The crazy thing is when I travel my skin clears up and my eczema calms down. Bit whenever I'm back home my eczema flares up.
I always knew something was wrong with my mom I knew she was not like the other moms I know but I didn't Know about borderline and when I suspected she had it I felt too guilty to admit it.
It was only after my mom reconciled with my sister that we started to discuss the sister and I that I finally admit it to myself.
I had told no one about what I was going through for 5 years. Until last year. And I feel much better.
My sisters are helping me a lot. I'm so grateful.
I hope you too can leave your parents and live a normal life  . We are just asking for a normal life we should not feel guilty for it. I know it's easier said than done though.
I am supposed to leave before August so I will let you guys know what happen. And yes it is exciting to think of getting in a better place mentally and physically. I was in a very dark place for 5 years. I'm so much happier now.
Although its possible she goes NC for leaving her and I'm a bit worried but I'm ready to leave no matter what.

[Amethyste]

Okay, so I am very glad to hear that you have support from your sisters and that if necessary you will talk to people who can possibly help you.  That is excellent and like Deirdre said, takes a lot of courage. 

Sharing your story can be very helpful and offer relief.  As you can read, Deirdre has a similar situation and I did too.  I lived in my parents home until my mid to late 30's.  Additionally, so many of us here can relate to the frustration of outsiders thinking and telling us how wonderful our mothers (parents) were.  Outsiders looking in do not see the whole picture and sometimes they are caught up in their own ideas of motherhood, miss how they are dysfunctional in their own lives and are in denial about it all.  It is still frustrating though isn't it? 

I think having a plan and resources available is a wise thing to do before moving out.  You will need support and resources so that you can build and change your life. 

I understand the guilt you feel.  I used to feel that too and even when I decided to move out and after, I still felt it.  We were conditioned to feel guilt to believe we are responsible for the happiness of our parents and to put our needs aside.  Have you had a chance to read any of the articles here?  There is one in particular called F.O.G. which stands for Fear, obligation and guilt.  We also have tools that you can use to improve communication between you and your mother.  The tools can help make your life better while you work on getting out.  They can also help with the guilt you feel by helping you separate from your mothers feelings.  Don't JADE is a good one to start with. 

Please ask questions and post as you feel the need.  We all understand and can be very supportive as you work to get yourself out of a very difficult situation.

Thank you Harri for your kind words.
Are both of your parents borderline?
Wow I can not imagine staying with my mom until my mid 30s. This must of been so hard for you. I hope you are in a better place now.
I don't know how but they manage to make us stay late.
When both my sisters left by getting married she cut contact with them pretending she didn't like the men they married.
Yes I always feel guilty with my mom. So thank you for the articles and I'm planning on buying the book surviving the borderline parent.

[Amethyste]

Hello guys
I was supposed to leave before August but the place that I was supposed to go has been given to someone else because the state couldn't contact me as I changed my number they had my email but they messed up so I'm very disappointed and have been crying a lot lately.
My mom has been super crazy lately as of today she has been acting terrible to me and I've been thinking of suicide. I hate my life.
I wonder if I'm not BPD too which would be horrible as I don't want to make people suffer not to be alone to protect others.
Sorry for this depressive post. I had my hopes up for nothing and it hurts.

[Harri]

Hi there.  I am glad you came here to post when you are feeling so down.  It is good that you reached out.  Even better, we can support you and listen to you.  Not being able to move is a huge disappointment and I understand why you feel so sad and that you hurt.

What sorts of things is your mother doing today?  

[Panda39]

Hi Amethyste,

Any chance you can stay with one of your sisters until new housing for you becomes available? 

Panda39

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Amethyste, 

I'm so glad that you came and shared this very disappointing hurt with us.   Thank you for trusting us with your pain. You are so awesome to see that you had a need to reach out to others who understand and will support you. Thank you. 

Do you think it is possible that you will be able to get on the list once again now that they have your correct information? And can you share your sister's information as well for a back up contact with them? Does your mom know you were thinking of going and is that why she is treating you so badly? It is quite normal for a pwBPD to become very off balance when they perceive something that looks like rejection to them (such as the thought of your leaving). I'm glad you have been focusing on the importance of taking care of yourself.

I agree with Panda39. Can you go to your sister's house even for a couple of days to visit in order to get away?

 
Wools

[Amethyste]

Hello again. Sorry for the late reply.
I can't even tell what my mom does. Sometimes I feel like my memory when it comes to her doesn't properly work. I know that what she puts me through is difficult but right now I can't remember. I remember that she puts me down and tell me I'm a failure. But there were others things.
Right now I'm feeling better.
As far as the housing. They have told me that I'm the next one on the list but that I have to wait until someone leaves on of their "shelters" first and we can't say how long this will take. It's the holidays here during summer so everything is slow, maybe I'll have news in September or October maybe end of the year. Hopefully I won't have to wait too long.
As far as my sisters they can't really help me they are busy with their lives one doesn't even have a proper situation yet.
Thank you very much for your replies. I couldn't reply when I posted because I was feeling so low but they gave me relief.

[Woolspinner2000]

Nice to hear you are doing better, Amethyste! 

Thank you for the update. Keep posting to us and also to others. It will help you a whole lot and release some of the depression and stress you feel. Reaching out to others and sharing from your hurt is a great way to feel hope in your heart and life. Many hugs to you!   

 
Wools

[Harri]

Hi and thank you for the update!

I want to urge you to post but not just when you are in crisis.  You need to build yourself a support network and we can be a part of that.  This board had helped me through some of the darkest times and it was wonderful but I got the most benefit when I was in less tough times and could focus not just on me but on others as well.  We'll continue to support you during times of crisis but for me anyway, it was nice to know I had a place I could go to even when I wasn't.  Try it.  

In the meantime have we ever shared some of the coping tools we offer here?  One in particular I think might help.  It takes practice but works wonders in terms of dealing with and accepting what is and being able to sit with your feelings and just Be.  It is called:  Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind "Mindfulness is a type of self-awareness in which we learn to observe ourselves in real time to see and alter our reactions to be more constructive."
Many of our posters here, including me, find this helpful in learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings, and even to get through panic attacks.  it takes time to practice but it works wonders.  You can start off with just observing yourself doing a simple task.  For me it was washing dishes, feeling the texture of the plates, the feel of the water running on my hands, the smell of the dish soap, etc.  You can do it with anything.  learning to focus on what your body is doing and seeing stuff in a non-judgemental way can be built upon and you can then apply it to bigger emotions and situations.

Try it.  In the meantime, hang out with us for a bit.  

EDIT:  I forgot to say that mindfulness works for me because I can't do the quieter type meditations (clearing your mind etc).  I also used to do walking meditation when I could. 

[Amethyste]

Thank you. I read a lot on the forum but I dont post a lot. I'll try to post more  
Thank you Harri for the article about mindfulness and for your post. 
Thank you woolspinner hugs to you too

[Woolspinner2000]

You are part of our family, Amethyste. 
We check up on one another. 

 
Wools

[Amethyste]

Hello friends
How are you?
So I just thought I'd post an update.
So I'm still living with my crazy BPD mother unfortunately. The state has put me on a priority list for a shelter but there is no place alavaible yet
But my sister has come back living with us and together it's less difficult to deal with our mother. Although still hard but alone it's worse.
So until I get something my sister and I are trying to find a flat together so we can pay together. But everything is very slow. We are trying to be patient.
People who have normal.parents are so lucky they have no idea what it's like to have a parent who hates you and tortures you. Ah.
Anyway take care

[Amethyste]

Hello everyone. I'm back here I wanted to give you guys an update. It's been a year since I last posted. So my sister and I moved out of my mom's place and we are living together since last November. A friend has rented us his place.

But here comes the good news. I'm going to get my own place and in my country these apartments are from the state and therefore the renting is very cheap. Since I'm not working this is very good news for me.
I haven't started therapy yet. I needed stability and when I'll move in the new apartment I'll start therapy. I feel like I'll finally be able to live again.
I still see my mom every week or 2 weeks. I do not engage in any arguments with her. I only talk about positive things and so far our relationship has gotten better. She knows I prioritise my own well being now and if she can't be nice then I'll ignore her until she becomes nice again. So yeah it's working out well with her.
I still have many health issues PTSD eczema and panic attacks sometimes but I can now work on these issues seriously.

[Harri]

Hi!   

That is great news.  Thanks for letting us know.

When do you think you will get your own apartment?

It is also great to know your relationship with your mom has improved.  How did you start changing things?

[Amethyste]

Hi Harri I hope you are doing well 

I have been accepted beginning of July but I do not have the keys yet. It was supposed to be this July but public employees in my country really take their time   so I think in September.
I've been thinking how to decorate my place etc. I can now dream and make plans. It feels good.
With my mother I limit contact with her. Sometimes when I see her I get stressed out because she speaks a lot and never stops even when she isn't mad at me it's very hard to spend the whole day with her. I visit her for 2 to 4 hours and then I'm done for a week or 2. I use watsap with her so she doesn't feel abandoned.
I wanna thank you and everyone who posted here those were the roughest times in my life and it helped me to read you guys.

[Panda39]

Hi Amethyste,

It was great to pop in and see your update    A safe place to live now and your own place on the way! I just moved too, it's really fun to think about decorating and making a place your own.

I'm sorry your mom is still being difficult but you are doing the right thing limiting your time with her...self care.

Can't wait to hear about your new place!

Keep us posted,
Panda39

[Amethyste]

Hello Panda39 thank you! I hope you are ok. I haven't read your story. I read that the BPD person you know is/was your romantic partners ex. So your left them? And now you're living in your own place? Well I hope you are doing good and taking care of yourself.

Yes I'll give you guys an update when I get my place. Can't wait!

[Panda39]

My Partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they have 2 daughters.  You will often find me on this board because I'm always looking for insights on how to assist his 2 daughters.  All of the folks here have really helped me avoid pitfalls when it comes to the girls.

Anyway we have been together  8 years have lived about 20 miles apart and we met when his daughters were 11 & 15 and my son was 17.  We decided because of all the chaos with their mom that we would not uproot the girls and move in together until they both completed High School.  It was about keeping things as consistent for them as we could because they needed consistency where they could get it and it was about getting them used to me.  We had a rocky start back in the beginning mom was heavily involved with parental alienation, had the girls convinced their dad and I were having an affair before they separated, and the divorce was high conflict.  Waiting just seemed the best course of action and going slow has really worked

So D18 graduated in May and we are now getting out of apartments and are renting a house.  It's a house I think I was destined for because it's my favorite color and an unusual color for a house...Purple!  My son and my partner's daughters each have their own rooms (the girls used to have to share) and we have plenty of space and a great back yard!  My son want's to be a farmer and has a garden going out there and the zucchini are already coming in.  Time for zucchini bread!

So needless to say I have been in decorating mode, it's been interesting since it seems we have 2 of everything, but the extras we will set aside for the kids as they move out on their own.  In terms of decorating my partner is working on the living room, he's doing a 1960's mid century modern look and I'm working on the bedroom...not sure what my style is...maybe eclectic.  Lots of fun color, I'm using a lot of art and objects made by or given to us by the kids.

Looking forward to hearing about your place once you make your way through the system and get moved in...freedom awaits!

Panda39

[Harri]

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