Anyone try a written correspondence with BPD SO?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPDw and I are on a trial separation. She would prefer not to be. There's a lot of value being apart by lowering my own stress and creating a safe environment for me and my kids. My W has accepted the separation, but we're trying to figure out what the appropriate level of communication should be. I can't call it a "trial" separation if I don't intend to reconcile. I've read articles here about how the lack of communication can be manipulative or punitive on my part, and I don't want to do that. So I'm trying to figure out how best to manage communication during this time.

Superficially, my wife thinks that regular little check-ins are needed (i.e. what she wants). But I think that's her BP talking because she lacks a connection with herself without validation from me. And to a certain extent, the little communications (the texts and short emails, the brief phone calls to deal with logistics) are more stressful than the big ones because I fear that we will fall back into the pattern where her antenna are all tuned to what I do and don't do, which leads me to feeling anxious and her feeling rejected.

So part of me wants to maintain connection because I really do love and care about her and I hope that some positive communication can put her in a more emotionally comfortable place where she can thoughtfully reflect and engage in deeper personal work instead of crisis management. And yet I fear that communication will have the unintentional opposite effect, since I'm undeniably a trigger.

One idea that appeals to me is that we mostly limit our interactions to a slow correspondence. For example, maybe every three days one of us replies to a longer, thoughtful email from the other. Forcing a slow response would reduce the reactivity and motivate deeper discussions that might otherwise become explosive. I fantasize about having mature discussions such as articulating our honest reasons to stay together and to split up, or talking through parenting issues like the higher stress level for my daughters when my wife is in the house, or asking each other to write about what we think the other is feeling about certain events or things as a way to encourage her to attempt real empathy and reflection about me and try to move away from the blame/shame that comes from her fabricated negative projections.

Maybe even skipping the emails and mailing actual letters!

Anybody tried this sort of thing?

[downheart]

My BPDw and I are on a trial separation. She would prefer not to be. There's a lot of value being apart by lowering my own stress and creating a safe environment for me and my kids. My W has accepted the separation, but we're trying to figure out what the appropriate level of communication should be. I can't call it a "trial" separation if I don't intend to reconcile. I've read articles here about how the lack of communication can be manipulative or punitive on my part, and I don't want to do that. So I'm trying to figure out how best to manage communication during this time.

Superficially, my wife thinks that regular little check-ins are needed (i.e. what she wants). But I think that's her BP talking because she lacks a connection with herself without validation from me. And to a certain extent, the little communications (the texts and short emails, the brief phone calls to deal with logistics) are more stressful than the big ones because I fear that we will fall back into the pattern where her antenna are all tuned to what I do and don't do, which leads me to feeling anxious and her feeling rejected.

So part of me wants to maintain connection because I really do love and care about her and I hope that some positive communication can put her in a more emotionally comfortable place where she can thoughtfully reflect and engage in deeper personal work instead of crisis management. And yet I fear that communication will have the unintentional opposite effect, since I'm undeniably a trigger.

One idea that appeals to me is that we mostly limit our interactions to a slow correspondence. For example, maybe every three days one of us replies to a longer, thoughtful email from the other. Forcing a slow response would reduce the reactivity and motivate deeper discussions that might otherwise become explosive. I fantasize about having mature discussions such as articulating our honest reasons to stay together and to split up, or talking through parenting issues like the higher stress level for my daughters when my wife is in the house, or asking each other to write about what we think the other is feeling about certain events or things as a way to encourage her to attempt real empathy and reflection about me and try to move away from the blame/shame that comes from her fabricated negative projections.

Maybe even skipping the emails and mailing actual letters!

Anybody tried this sort of thing?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Exhausted2018]

Thank you for posting this, downheart. I'm in the same situation you are (minus the children), and I'm truly struggling to establish boundaries that will be healthy for both of us during this trial separation. I want to support her without enabling her, but I also want to protect myself and create a safe space where I can heal and try to regain my sense of self. Trying to find a good balance in the degree and frequency of communication is so challenging right now. I'll be very interested to hear how others have handled this!

So while I'm sorry to say I have no advice for you, I wanted to express my appreciation for you raising the question.

In Love and Light,
Exhausted2018

[Mutt]

Hi downheart,

For example, maybe every three days one of us replies to a longer, thoughtful email from the other. Forcing a slow response would reduce the reactivity and motivate deeper discussions that might otherwise become explosive

I’m sorry that it has to come to this I hope that things turn around for you. I’d like to add that communicating helps with seperation anxiety I think that you have the right idea if 72 hours seems to long then change it to 48 I don’t think that there’s a hard and fast rule.

[juju2]

Hi,

have been separated since march 2017 fm my s.o.BPD dx and untreated.  We meet once a week at a neutral space for coffee, tea, etc   for about 60-90 mins.  We text, call during the week.
we were advised to start this way to see if something could be created, if we could create a different relationship.  We were in couples counseling for 3 months.

So when we separated after living together for ten yrs, we were both toxic, our r/s was toxic, for me it was a last resort... .we had no hope.  We had no rules or anything around the separation.  for the first month we didn't see eachother, then spent six months, going on trips together, for about 4-10 days each month.  Then we got in to counseling, that is when our therapist said we needed to work on seeing if we even had a foundation or could create one... .

I was and am severely co dependent, he is untxBPD, PTSD, depression, recovery for 19 yrs in a 12 step...     He told me about the BPD when we met.
We have sexual dysfunction, he can't finish w me, he says it hasn't happened before... .so that's another issue.
I have been in al anon, worked the 12 steps, have a sponsor, am in service.  I lost a lot of weight.  Am
getting healthy... .that feels good!

You have found in this community.  There is hope, help, and healing.

Keep posting.

sincerely, j

[Radcliff]

I have been separated from my wife for over six months.  In the beginning we carried on frequent correspondence, including four hour texting sessions.  Yes, you heard that right, four hours.  I was a basket case, and my therapist helped me realize that any time I came to see her after not talking to my wife for a bit, I was doing better.  The less I communicated with my wife, the better I felt.  And I'm not talking about being in a better mood, I'm talking about being better able to function.  There were some tough days a few months back where making school lunch for one kid was a big accomplishment for the morning (and I'm a pretty high energy guy who has never had issues with depression up until now).

Any time we communicated, I felt invalidated and triggered by her lack of empathy, and felt a huge burden to try to have a constructive conversation without one of us dysregulating (and until this point I had no trouble with remaining calm even in the middle of crazy stuff).

We have barely talked since the restraining order.  The few times we have, it has not ended well.  We only text simple logistical things (like kid transfer times, etc.).  We use e-mail for other issues.  Recently that broke down because my wife wanted face-to-face contact that I wasn't ready for, so we've finally gotten connected with a coparenting therapist, and will start by meeting with her separately.

downheart, I think your intuition to slow down communications is excellent.  She needs to learn to self regulate.  You need space to experience not being her emotional caretaker, space to get in touch with your own emotions and feelings about the relationship outside of the constant pressure of the relationship, and outside of her distortion field.

downheart, you have a concerning combination of DV and BPD.  That's a handful.  Is she doing any sort of batterer therapy?  As a side note, are you aware of the vast gulf between the DV community and the therapist community, and how few therapists understand DV?  This can present major issues for the survivor.  Can you remind us if your wife is in treatment with a therapist?  Am I remembering correctly that the closest DBT therapy is an hour away from you, and not reasonably accessible?

WW

[downheart]

Wentworth, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. It sounds like such a painful and on-going journey. I hope you can find a way to communicate without triggering through the parent therapist.

I think I'm going to give this correspondence idea a try and honestly present why and what for. I think I'm going to email something like, "I miss you and think about you and miss sharing with you. Part of me is sad that you're gone. And I know that this separation is hard for you partly because it is playing out your deep fear of me leaving you. And I'm very, very sorry for that. I'm a trigger and I have a lot of anxiety about how re-engaging with you now will reignite trouble between us. I need the space and safety to work on myself, take care of the girls well, and reflect on our relationship, which is hard for me to do when I'm stressing about maintaining our relationship. But I do love you, worry about you, and care about your well-being. I hear your point that total lack of communication is not going to help us reconcile. And for you the silence reinforces the feeling that I'm not the trustworthy partner that you, or anyone, needs for a stable relationship. So here's my suggestion. How about we write to each other slowly and deliberately? Maybe one of us writes about every three days. It's my hope that for me it will give me the time to think more deeply, speak more honestly, and to respond with more compassion while also giving me the distance in time that I need for other work. And maybe it will be helpful for you in similar ways. Neither of us need worry that the other is ignoring or disappearing, or stress about responding quickly in just the right way.  We just promise to connect lovingly within several days. And we agree that this slowness between us is not because our relationship isn't important, but just the opposite. What do you think?"

How do you all think that sounds? I'll let you all know how it works out.

[downheart]

downheart, you have a concerning combination of DV and BPD.  That's a handful.  Is she doing any sort of batterer therapy?  As a side note, are you aware of the vast gulf between the DV community and the therapist community, and how few therapists understand DV?  This can present major issues for the survivor.  Can you remind us if your wife is in treatment with a therapist?  Am I remembering correctly that the closest DBT therapy is an hour away from you, and not reasonably accessible?

She is not. She is not at the point where she is acknowledging DV and her emotional abuse as a serious problem in and of itself. Instead, she has repeatedly tried to equate her behaviors to my responses to her behaviors (stonewalling, anger) and try to get me to agree that we are equally culpable. And while I now - thanks much to this forum! - believe we are equally responsible, our behaviors are absolutely not the same. But that's something that will have to come later.
Yes, you're right, nearest DBT is very far away. But on the positive side, we both have been trying to embrace the "Radical Acceptance" idea (which came up for us independent of DBT), so maybe through that avenue we will move towards DBT or DBT-like treatment. In the meantime she is seeing a psychotherapist and psychiatrist.

Wentworth, thanks for your continued support. Hang in there and let us know how things go for you.

[Exhausted2018]

downheart,

You might just be my new hero. I copied and pasted the text you plan to send to your SO into a Word document, because I think it's exactly what I need to use to establish some boundaries with my SO while still ensuring that she knows she's loved and supported. You articulated everything so well, and I'm grateful to have a starting point on which to build this type of communication.

Many thanks,
Exhausted

[Radcliff]

downheart, I feel like you are where I was six months ago.  I made heroic efforts to set up therapy, etc. to get things on track to a possible reconciliation.  I think I understand well what you're driving for.  I understand the motivation and the difficulty.

I want to throw a big on the "we're equally responsible" idea.  You need to stop saying that, especially to her.  It's OK to own what you own.  Stonewalling, anger, etc. -- own those, admit them, and work on them.
 Admit your specific behaviors but do not accept the idea of false equivalency between your actions and hers.
 With DV, unless you've been engaging in mutual combat and mutual emotional/verbal abuse, there's no such thing as "equally responsible."  You need to eliminate that phrase from your vocabulary.  The entire therapy community, except for a very few special people who understand DV, is set up on the idea that each member of a couple is equally responsible.  This can be dangerous in a DV case -- sometimes physically, but always emotionally.  Read this page on
why marriage counseling is not recommended in cases of domestic violence.  I'm not telling you what to do, but understanding these pitfalls will help you understand the warning signs of trouble if you do decide to go that route.

You've said that she is not owning up to the DV, is not doing individual therapy, and sees what you've done as equivalent.  If she still has the same outlook in six months, what would you do?

WW

[downheart]

I want to throw a big on the "we're equally responsible" idea.  You need to stop saying that, especially to her. 

Thanks. Maybe I said it wrong, but I think I'm in agreement. What I'm trying to say is that our behaviors are not equal and I won't reconcile if she refuses to acknowledge that. But I've learned that it's important to recognize that we're equally responsible for perpetuating a disfunctional relationship, not equally responsible for abuse. I could have done so many things over the years that I didn't do - partly because I felt guilty and responsible for my wife's poor mental health and I didn't want to make things worse. That delusion on my part perpetuated a lot of serious dysregulation.

As to what I've said to her in the past: "I'm committed to taking 100% responsibility for my 50% part of our relationship."

Regarding couples therapy with DV, I sympathize with the reference that you sent, but the situation is different for me. Unlike the examples given there, my wife is not emboldened, our therapist is clear and unequivocal that DV is unacceptable, and I am not intimidated because of the threat of future DV. It's a very serious problem in my relationship that must absolutely be resolved, but primarily for me it's a problem because it concretely demonstrates how dysregulated and unapologetic my wife is right now and that creates a toxic environment that inhibits a stable relationship.

For me there are two huge issues that must be resolved: regulating her emotional response (rage, projection, DV) and parenting.  And we're not cohabitating again unless we see clearly on these two issues.

[Radcliff]

I hear you, downheart.  After listening and thinking, my advice is if at all possible to stay away from percentages.  She's apt to play tit-for-tat and refuse to make improvements because she thinks you haven't.  She'll say "your 50% is still there!"  This is just a personal philosophy, so leave it if it doesn't help you, but I think that it's way better to not even discuss the balance of ownership, and just say that you each own things and are responsible for them.  And discussions should be more solutions oriented and focused on specific things, not generalities.  Talk about specific things that you own.  Each of you working on your own stuff cannot be contingent on the other one.  You can't have a "you go first" stalemate.

This is going to be hard work.  When you admit fault to anything, she may use that as an excuse to say it's all your fault.  I'm not telling you anything you don't know.  That's excellent that you're firm on what you need to see in order to move forward.  That clarity is priceless.

WW