Not exactly sure what to say...Need to explore my feelings

[Exhausted2018]

... .so I guess I'll just start with:  

Two months ago, I moved out of the home I purchased with my partner roughly a year ago and got a 6-month lease in an apartment in our city. Our first year living together was emotionally torturous and confusing, and now I finally know why: She was diagnosed with BPD (after I'd moved out). The good news is that she's high-functioning, now in a good DBT program, and seems determined to get well. So, I'm cautiously optimistic.

I admit, though, that I'm struggling with establishing healthy boundaries during our separation. I want to support her--because I know this process must be incredibly hard on her--but I also want to protect myself. I'm also not sure I fully understand the boundary between supporting someone with BPD but not enabling them. And I find that I'm struggling with my own emotional space, and all the feelings rising up now that I'm not in that living situation any more. (Feelings I felt I couldn't explore--for a variety of reasons--during the time we lived together.)

So... .I'm glad I found this community, and I'm looking forward to learning from all of you.

Namaste.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Exhausted2018,



I can point you to some information on boundaries:

Boundaries and Values

Boundaries and Examples

Let us know what you think if you get a chance to take a look!

What emotions were you not able to explore while living together that you are exploring now may I ask?

with compassion, pearl.

[Mutt]

Hi exausted2018,



I’d like to join pearlsw and welcome you to bpdfamily. It has to hard to sell the home so shortly after you purchased it. I understand how difficult it can be when you first seperated e from your SO. What do you do to keep yourself busy?

[Exhausted2018]

Pearl, thanks very much for pointing me in the direction of the resources! I found the examples especially helpful--I want to take some conscious effort now to define, on paper, my boundaries in the format provided in that discussion. Writing things down always helps me solidify them in my mind, and the format will definitely help me to that. Thank you!

As for what emotions I couldn't explore while we lived together, well... .you name it, and I wasn't "allowed" to explore it because my SO's emotions took up all the space in our life. I was constantly dodging and weaving to avoid her mood swings, so I was in 100% self-protection mode. My life was absorbed with having to define her current mood, and how to work around or in it. This was all very moment-by-moment, so I had to put my emotions on hold. Now that I'm out of that environment, some interesting things are coming up for me... .and one of them is rage.

But let me set the stage: I've never had anger issues in the past, my friends and family consider me a very calm and rational person, and I teach a meditation class in the evenings. That's why experiencing this rage is rather alarming. But the more I carefully consider all of the things my SO has said and done over the past year, I'm just angry. Angry at her, angry at the people who contributed to her disorder since her childhood, and angry at myself for not seeing the situation for what it was: incredibly emotionally abusive. So, I'm working on letting myself sit with this "new" emotion for awhile, and seeing what it might teach me. So far, it's been helpful in identifying new boundaries that I hadn't considered before. I just hate how rage feels, if that makes sense.

I'm also deeply sad and lost, so there's a lot of emotion wrapped up in those spaces now, too. I feel like I've been beaten down so far that I have no identity any more. Before this relationship, I felt strong and centered and self-aware. Now, I have no idea where that person is anymore. I'm just... .broken, and I don't know how to rebuild.

I know it sounds strange, but I didn't have time to have emotions before now. I was just so busy navigating my SO's Jekyll-and-Hyde moments that I was constantly on my toes. So, I had to completely shut down everything else.

[Exhausted2018]

Mutt,

Thanks for your note! We haven't sold the home yet--she's still living in it, while we work though this trial separation and she gets the help she needs. I'd very much like to move back home, but I'm not even going to consider doing it until she has the tools she needs to have a functional life. (She just started her DBT program, but I'm encouraged by what she's telling me about it.)

I admit that keeping busy isn't a problem for me. My job is fairly intense, so I often work long hours (and even more so, now that I have the time to get caught up). I love hiking during good weather at our local parks, reading, and teaching my meditation class. I'm starting to reconnect with my friends now, which feels especially healthy. I cut myself off from them for the year I lived with my SO for a variety of reasons: I hated lying to them all the time about how "happy I was" and "how great the new house was" and "how wonderful my SO was." Also, when I was out with my friends, my SO would drink by herself all evening at the house, ensuring that she'd be in a cruel and ugly space by the time I got back. It just became easier to stay at home with her than deal with the fallout of going out with friends. So, I'm trying to find my bearings again, slowly but surely. 

[pearlsw]

Hey Exhausted2018,

Wow, that’s pretty cool about your meditation class! I hear ya. Many years ago I had a boyfriend who slipped into depression and was self-medicating, it was a rough time. It was so hard to get through to him. I like to be control and not lose my temper, but he was so hard to deal with at times. We tried therapy, and I took up a pretty serious meditation practice myself to deal with anger I was feeling as it was eating me up. It gave me chest pains even. I never felt so much anger. It was so hard to watch him destroying our life together. The health care in my home country sucks. I am sure if we’d been able to get appropriate help in time it could have made a difference, but I digress…

Well, I like what I’m hearing here! Looking at yourself, using the incredible tool of meditation, you are doing pretty well all things considered while suffering through a partner’s storms!

I felt very lost at times too and in need of some rebuilding. Any ideas at all how to find your way back to yourself? Or how to feel some peace? Writing here should be a big help! Glad you are with us! We’re all in this together! 

wishing you the best, pearl.

[downheart]

Exhausted, I mostly just want to say I hear you. I agree we both seem to be in a similar place trying to define the right level of connection. I've been dealing with a huge rollercoaster of emotions. (here's a thread)

Your comment about hating the feeling of rage is something that I can really relate to. For me, it was the feeling of resentment. That's actually something that I did share with my wife over a year ago: I'm feeling a lot of resentment and I hate feeling that way!

I've always been known as a mellow, easy-going guy. And my friends would fault me for always trying to see the best in everyone. So it really feels uncomfortable and out of character for me to feel resentment towards anyone. But it's also not surprising that the combination of my generosity and understanding for others combined with a pwBPD in an intimate relationship would result in me unwittingly falling into a life-sucking place of emotional caregiver who could never give enough. Hence, ultimately, resentment.

Hang in there.