Mother with BPD but diagnosed Bipolar.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post. I'm a 39 year old woman and I believe that my mother has BPD. She was diagnosed with bipolar around 25 years ago and since then has been on a heavy cocktail of medication which has never really had any positive effect on her situation.

Mum is an intensely private person who has never engaged in therapy in any meaningful way. She acknowledges that she has mental health issues but does not believe that she has any responsibility or control over her mental health. My Mum lives alone in a rural area, she does not work or have any structure. She has very few friends and often goes weeks without seeing anyone.

 Her marriage to my father ( who I believe has a narcissist disorder and is an alcoholic) broke down when I was 2 and my brother was 4. My brother died tragically 8 years ago when he was 33 so there is just myself and my Mum now. I have always had an intensely close relationship with my mum - so much so that I always felt that she viewed me as her partner, her parent, her best friend and her child. I got married 5 years ago and now have 2 children. Our relationship has broken down gradually in this time. I feel a huge level of resentment from my Mum . At the beginning, her relationship with my husband was very positive but now it has completely deteriorated. Most of our weekend visits to my Mum have ended in chaos over the past few years and I am heartbroken that my small children are witnessing this. Mum completely disassociates from this behavior after the event, acting like it never happened so its very hard to talk to her and convince her that she needs help.  We have gradually cut down on our visits to her because of the violent outbursts but this seems to be making things worse.

I read the book 'Walking on Eggshells' this year and it was a revelation to me - completely describing my experience of my Mum.

My question is: how do I get my Mum re-accessed to explore if she has BPD rather than biploar? She is 67 now - is it too late for her and would it be more damaging for her to learn that she may have been misdiagnosed? How do I encourage my Mum to get help in the form of DPT?

When times are good, my mother is amazing, we are all so heartbroken - I want to help her but feel like I keep getting it wrong. Sorry if this is all over the place, first time really writing this down

[Lalisa]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post. I'm a 39 year old woman and I believe that my mother has BPD. She was diagnosed with bipolar around 25 years ago and since then has been on a heavy cocktail of medication which has never really had any positive effect on her situation.

Mum is an intensely private person who has never engaged in therapy in any meaningful way. She acknowledges that she has mental health issues but does not believe that she has any responsibility or control over her mental health. My Mum lives alone in a rural area, she does not work or have any structure. She has very few friends and often goes weeks without seeing anyone.

 Her marriage to my father ( who I believe has a narcissist disorder and is an alcoholic) broke down when I was 2 and my brother was 4. My brother died tragically 8 years ago when he was 33 so there is just myself and my Mum now. I have always had an intensely close relationship with my mum - so much so that I always felt that she viewed me as her partner, her parent, her best friend and her child. I got married 5 years ago and now have 2 children. Our relationship has broken down gradually in this time. I feel a huge level of resentment from my Mum . At the beginning, her relationship with my husband was very positive but now it has completely deteriorated. Most of our weekend visits to my Mum have ended in chaos over the past few years and I am heartbroken that my small children are witnessing this. Mum completely disassociates from this behavior after the event, acting like it never happened so its very hard to talk to her and convince her that she needs help.  We have gradually cut down on our visits to her because of the violent outbursts but this seems to be making things worse.

I read the book 'Walking on Eggshells' this year and it was a revelation to me - completely describing my experience of my Mum.

My question is: how do I get my Mum re-accessed to explore if she has BPD rather than biploar? She is 67 now - is it too late for her and would it be more damaging for her to learn that she may have been misdiagnosed? How do I encourage my Mum to get help in the form of DPT?

When times are good, my mother is amazing, we are all so heartbroken - I want to help her but feel like I keep getting it wrong. Sorry if this is all over the place, first time really writing this down

[Harri]

Hi Lalisa and welcome to the board!  Congrats on making your first post too!    You have found a place where a lot of people can relate to your situation with your mother.  We can all understand and support you.

I am sorry to hear the cocktail of meds is not working for her.  I have read that, unfortunately, medications alone do not usually work for BPD.  I am not sure how you can get your mother reassessed especially if she does not see any problem with her behavior.  It is possible that she thinks she does have bipolar and that meds are the only option... .and since she is taking them there is no other option (?)  One possibility would be for you to accompany her to her p-doc visits where you might be able to ask questions or offer input.  Some members have talked about trying this, but I do not recall if they were successful in getting treatment changed  The thing is, for something like DBT to work, the patient has to believe they have a problem and they have to want to change.   

Really, the only thing you can do is to change your patterns of behavior and it sounds like you are doing that in terms of limiting visits.  I don't think it is ever too late for someone to change though. 

Have you ever sought counseling to help you cope with having a disordered parent?  What sort of support system do you have?  Is you husband able to support you even though he is a target of your mother?

We have lots of articles I can refer you to but I am unsure at this point which would be most helpful.  One place to start though is to look through the Lessons section linked towards the top of this board.  There are many articles there that may help.  As you share more of your story we can better guide you.

I hope to see more of you on the boards. 

[Learning2Thrive]

Welcome to the Family, Lalisa!   

Harri has asked some great questions that will help us gain a better understanding of how we may better help you. Sending you gentle, empathetic hugs & smiles .

Be kind to yourself today.

[deirdre]

Lalisa
I am glad you are reaching out here! I wish I had an answer to your question about how to help your mom. But what I do have is to let you know you are not alone I have gone through similar things. My father is diagnosed Bipolar and schizophrenic/Schizoaffective. He is not diagnosed BPD but after reading some books on it it fits him very well, he is the one that atleast a month ago would admit to possibly being BPD. He had to mull over that for many years to admit it. Four years ago he accused my mom of being BPD aka 'Projecting'. This was as a family our first hint that he had BPD. Even knowing this he isn't willing to get help, he thinks he can do it all on his own and after reading some books "stop walking on eggshells" included, that it is everyone else's job to change their behavior around him.  He is not on any Bipolar medications because he couldn't stand feeling "nothing", plus they didn't really help all the BPD traits, which cause him to be really verbally abusive at time.

You mentioned

When times are good, my mother is amazing, we are all so heartbroken

I have felt the same way about my dad, when he is doing well, he is doing VERY well. I love the father he is and can be, but it makes it harder when he isn't that person. For me it is like having separate parents in one person. But it is hard to push aside the bad times during the good sometimes.

My brother died tragically 8 years ago when he was 33 so there is just myself and my Mum now.

I am so sorry, one of my sisters passed away in a car accident 11 years ago this july, she was in her early/mid twenties. It was sudden and she left behind children. It is devastating to lose a sibling, I miss mine every day and feel for you having to feel those emotions as well.

I have always had an intensely close relationship with my mum - so much so that I always felt that she viewed me as her partner, her parent, her best friend and her child

Me and my non-BPD mother also have a very close relationship, it is becoming strained on my end lately though. Because I come to realize the same things you mentioned. She always called me her "best-friend" and I became a lot of her emotional support and a surrogate "spouse" in many emotional ways, even though she was and still is married to my uBPDf. It is a lot of pressure to be so many things for one person that is supposed to be a parent not also need parenting.

You seem to be very aware of your situation, have you become familiar with coping tools for yourself?