Signs of emotional abuse and trauma?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Trying to slog through these last couple of weeks before telling uBPDw that I can't continue in our marriage.  I'm working with my T and L on the emotional and legal aspects of my plan, but the pressure from my stbx to just "get over" our struggles and move forward in our marriage feels like it's ramping up.

One of the biggest things I'm struggling with is her desire for more physical intimacy.  Not just sex, which I have already made clear is pretty much off the table right now... .she wants more hand holding, snuggling on the couch, lingering kisses, etc. and it makes me want to run for the hills.  She keeps acting like we're making progress in repairing our marriage, but from where I sit I have only seen small changes on her end.  She continues not following through on things she says she's going to do, or that she says are important to her, which just perpetuates my not feeling like I can rely on her for much of anything. 

She threw her phone across the room last Tuesday when I made her angry because I stood up for a boundary that I had communicated to her.  She stormed out of the house, then back in again and yelled at me in my face, voice dripping with contempt.   While it's not happening every night, that stuff still happens and she turns around the next day wanting to snuggle on the couch while we watch a movie?

I have noticed that I physically tense when she touches me.  On two different occasions in recent weeks, she placed her hand on my forearm or shoulder while she tried to reassure me that I'm "entitled to [my] feelings" about a particular topic.  First, I don't need her permission to feel what I feel.  But beyond that, I tensed/withdrew on both occasions... .my skin felt prickly. I actually asked her to take her hand off my shoulder the one time. 

Last night, there was a misunderstanding about whether I was heating up her dinner along with mine (she had said a little while earlier that she was "nowhere near feeling hungry" since we'd had a late lunch).  I had decided I didn't want to eat as late as she tends to do (personal boundary) and told her I was going to go ahead and eat.  When she asked me about her dinner as I sat down,  I looked at her confused and told her I had no idea she wanted me to heat hers because she hadn't said anything.  She tried to be soothing and reassuring about our misunderstanding and started rubbing circles on my back.  Again... .prickly and tense feeling... .I finally pulled away again when she kept doing it while seeming to wait for me to be grateful for her efforts to "comfort" me.

I know that in the context of a normal, healthy, non-BPD relationship that's not having problems, these touches shouldn't cause the kind of reaction they're causing.  I'm trying to understand if my reaction is due to the emotional abuse and trauma that my therapist says I have been through.  I'm still struggling with accepting all of that, but I can't ignore my reactions.   There has never been any physical abuse in our relationship, but I just don't want her to touch me.

mw

[mama-wolf]

Trying to slog through these last couple of weeks before telling uBPDw that I can't continue in our marriage.  I'm working with my T and L on the emotional and legal aspects of my plan, but the pressure from my stbx to just "get over" our struggles and move forward in our marriage feels like it's ramping up.

One of the biggest things I'm struggling with is her desire for more physical intimacy.  Not just sex, which I have already made clear is pretty much off the table right now... .she wants more hand holding, snuggling on the couch, lingering kisses, etc. and it makes me want to run for the hills.  She keeps acting like we're making progress in repairing our marriage, but from where I sit I have only seen small changes on her end.  She continues not following through on things she says she's going to do, or that she says are important to her, which just perpetuates my not feeling like I can rely on her for much of anything. 

She threw her phone across the room last Tuesday when I made her angry because I stood up for a boundary that I had communicated to her.  She stormed out of the house, then back in again and yelled at me in my face, voice dripping with contempt.   While it's not happening every night, that stuff still happens and she turns around the next day wanting to snuggle on the couch while we watch a movie?

I have noticed that I physically tense when she touches me.  On two different occasions in recent weeks, she placed her hand on my forearm or shoulder while she tried to reassure me that I'm "entitled to [my] feelings" about a particular topic.  First, I don't need her permission to feel what I feel.  But beyond that, I tensed/withdrew on both occasions... .my skin felt prickly. I actually asked her to take her hand off my shoulder the one time. 

Last night, there was a misunderstanding about whether I was heating up her dinner along with mine (she had said a little while earlier that she was "nowhere near feeling hungry" since we'd had a late lunch).  I had decided I didn't want to eat as late as she tends to do (personal boundary) and told her I was going to go ahead and eat.  When she asked me about her dinner as I sat down,  I looked at her confused and told her I had no idea she wanted me to heat hers because she hadn't said anything.  She tried to be soothing and reassuring about our misunderstanding and started rubbing circles on my back.  Again... .prickly and tense feeling... .I finally pulled away again when she kept doing it while seeming to wait for me to be grateful for her efforts to "comfort" me.

I know that in the context of a normal, healthy, non-BPD relationship that's not having problems, these touches shouldn't cause the kind of reaction they're causing.  I'm trying to understand if my reaction is due to the emotional abuse and trauma that my therapist says I have been through.  I'm still struggling with accepting all of that, but I can't ignore my reactions.   There has never been any physical abuse in our relationship, but I just don't want her to touch me.

mw

[zachira]

It is so painful to be in the process of ending a relationship even when you are the one who has decided to end it. It is easy to be kind with words, and at the same time offend others with our body language even though there is no intention to do so. The first thing that changes when we have made up our mind that it is truly over is we really have no desire for physical intimacy and there is no way to hide it, so what you are feeling and doing is completely normal. You may be more aware of physical boundary violations because of the trauma you have suffered, yet the way you are responding is reflecting your true feelings in the moment, which may not be related to trauma, unless the feelings are overwhelming for long periods of time. It is hard to hurt our partner who feels and sees you turning away physically, yet there is not much you can do to comfort her physically though sometimes listening to her feelings can help, if that is something you would like to do, though you know your partner best, and how she might respond. The reality is you are responsible for your feelings and she for hers, and you cannot do the mourning of the end of the relationship for her. It may help to let her know that the relationship is over, and maybe she will then be more respectful of your boundaries, though once again you know her best, and what is safest and most comfortable for you. Do keep us posted on how you are doing and how we can help.

[pearlsw]

Hi mama-wolf,

When some has mistreated us it is certainly understandable to feel repelled by them. I went through a phase like this years ago. My SO would act horribly and I'd just want to keep him away, which led to more breakdown. After I started reading here I changed my behavior with him and it made a big difference. On the other hand, at that time, I really wanted to make the relationship work.

If you don't want to make the relationship work there is no more need to have the physical contact if you don't want to engage in it. But she does want to be with you and she can sense you pulling away, consciously or unconsciously, she knows it, so she's likely gonna keep trying to connect and feel rejected and be angry.

The only question is if you want to make any more effort or not as I see it.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey mama-wolf, I suggest you listen to your body about what is right for you in terms of physical contact and then stick with whatever boundary you are comfortable with.  It's you who defines the terms of what is acceptable for you.

As pearlsw notes, it's normal to feel repelled by someone who has mistreated us.  I became quite cautious around my BPDxW after years of verbal and physical abuse.  I would stand by the door, to make sure I always had an escape route, after she blocked me from leaving the room during her diatribes, which was unacceptable to me.

I would add that I see the normal signs that you are getting ready to part ways.

How are you feeling about where things are headed?

Lucky Jim

[mama-wolf]

Thank you zachira, pearl, and LJ for the responses... .sorry I have been a little tied up this week.

The first thing that changes when we have made up our mind that it is truly over is we really have no desire for physical intimacy and there is no way to hide it, so what you are feeling and doing is completely normal. You may be more aware of physical boundary violations because of the trauma you have suffered, yet the way you are responding is reflecting your true feelings in the moment, which may not be related to trauma, unless the feelings are overwhelming for long periods of time.

I definitely prefer to think of it as more a normal reaction to my knowledge that the relationship is truly over.  The feeling of aversion/boundary violation does linger, and it comes back periodically in flashes at random times after the fact, but I tend to hope that is more a factor of ruminations caused by the anxiety created by my situation.

It may help to let her know that the relationship is over, and maybe she will then be more respectful of your boundaries, though once again you know her best, and what is safest and most comfortable for you.

That has been part of the problem for me... .having to delay being fully open with uBPDw about where I stand so that I can get my plan together for leaving the relationship.  We have been in couples therapy for months, and I have used that as much as possible to improve how we interact, but just have not been able to overcome the damaging dynamics of our years of marriage.  So, it has been like living in a minefield for me lately, but I'm getting closer to the end. 

I have met with my L a couple of times now and have drafts of both a separation agreement and a consent order for child custody.  I have worked through the plan with my T that includes the kids and I staying out of the house that first night after I break the news to uBPDw.  I'll be telling her next week, and I know a lot of the anxiety generated by me not being able to be genuine about my feelings will subside.  Replaced by other major emotions maybe, but not the same.

LJ, how I feel about where things are headed is a really difficult question for me to tackle, which is of course part of the reason I'm posting on this board.  I know in my mind what needs to happen, what is likely to happen, and what could happen, and I have been very focused on strapping on the figurative armor to prep myself for walking through the fire.  In doing so, I have also been detaching myself from the emotion of it all... .in part because that's my default defense mechanism, but also because I know I am going to need to be careful with my own emotions in dealing with someone who is highly emotional.

But I do worry about my own emotional fallout, which I have mentioned to my T and I know she is going to help me work through it.  When, how, and what that looks like... .I have no idea.  On some level, I'm aware of sadness (though I'm not sure whether it's about losing something I had or realizing I never had it in the first place).  There's a lot of self-criticism as well, and self-doubt, which will probably be exacerbated by whatever accusations uBPDw hurls at me when she realizes the end is here. 

And intellectually I get what my T has said about me having been through emotional abuse that has likely traumatized me.  I just have difficulty internalizing that and accepting that there is going to be a whole healing process that I'll have to go through beyond just dealing with the natural drama of the divorce itself.  My T has only dipped a toe into that particular topic, I think because she's trying to help me get through the current situation before digging in more deeply... .

mw

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, mama-wolf, You have a lot on your plate, so be patient while you work through these issues.  I would like to warn you that you are likely to be blamed 100% as the cause of any b/u, if and when it happens.  It's a knee-jerk reaction for those w/BPD to foist the blame on the Non if things go downhill.  Your task, I suggest, is to let the blame roll off your back.  The other thing I would caution you about is F-O-G, because it's likely your pwBPD will seek to manipulate you through fear, obligation or guilt, or some combination thereof.  Forewarned is forearmed!  We're here to support you in whatever course you decide to take.

LuckyJim

[mama-wolf]

Well, I made it through couples therapy yesterday.  It was our first session since May 4th (I was delayed on business travel causing us to miss session on the 11th, and the MC was away traveling on the 18th).  The break was a bit of a blessing since the sessions are so stressful for me... .I want to improve how uBPDw and I interact with each other, but I know it's not going to save the marriage.

For the first time though, I broke down pretty hard in session.  I was doing fine for most of it as we started discussing uBPDw re-engaging in discipline for D9.  A few months ago, the MC had recommended a disengagement approach since their relationship was so consistently confrontational.  uBPDw was personally insulted at the suggestion, has struggled with it since agreeing to do it (has said it makes her feel impotent when it comes to interacting with D9), and has been getting increasingly impatient for the disengagement to end.  Knowing that I intend to separate, I needed to initiate that re-engagement anyway, so it seemed an appropriate topic to focus on yesterday.

But as we discussed what that re-engagement would look like, and I expressed a concern that D9 (and S5 for that matter) be able to speak up and establish healthy boundaries, uBPDw went off.  She did what she typically does with any statement I make that she disagrees with.  She interpreted my words in the worst possible way and took personal offense, attributed thoughts to me that I have not had or expressed, and fired back with only black and white options for me to respond to her... .as in "I need to know you think A (very positive), and not B (very negative)."

It triggered me big-time.  I started out OK, asking that she stop doing these things, but pretty quickly got overwhelmed and started crying.  That is so unlike me, but I guess it needed to happen.  I told her and the MC that I spend so much energy trying to watch what I say so that uBPDw doesn't do these things.  That I feel like I can't say anything without it going down this path, and I get boxed into one option to respond or the other, and there is nothing in between.  I can only hope that the MC got a better glimpse into the dynamic between us.

uBPDw essentially encouraged the session to end a little early, deciding I was too overwhelmed to continue the parenting discussion.  I wasn't, but didn't feel like I could really say anything at that point so I let it happen.  But I couldn't stop thinking about the breakdown the rest of the day, and felt the need to email the MC afterwards.  I was planning to notify her early next week that I needed to initiate separation in our session next Friday, but I really needed her to know where I was coming from sooner than that. 

I found writing the message was a good exercise for me.  It helped me synthesize all I have been reading about emotional abuse and trauma, and summarize how our relationship lines up with what my therapist has been trying to help me see and understand.  It was still a very intellectual exercise... .I haven't connected with the emotion of it all, but maybe this will help me do that at some point.  The message is copied below for anyone who cares to read it.  I forwarded this to my therapist as well so that she's aware, particularly since I have a session with her on Tuesday.  I will be interested to get her take on it all, but also hope to hear from on this board for a broader perspective.

Hi MC,

I shouldn't have let uBPDw decide we had reached the end of the discussion.  While she may have had good intentions to let me have "space," I should have spoken up for myself and clarified that I was willing and able to continue.  My frustration was with trying to articulate flexible areas, and I wanted your help with that.  uBPDw decided I had shut down and did not want to discuss anymore, and I didn't feel like I could say otherwise at that point.

This message started out as just being the above note, and then I found myself needing to say more.  I debated how much to share below, but I need you to be aware of where I am emotionally at this point.  I'm sorry it got long.

I feel like uBPDw is just waiting for me to "get over" my burnout and avoidant nature so can 1) go back to being essentially her sole source of emotional support, and 2) evolve into the spouse she wants me to be who is more vulnerable and open with my own emotions.  On two specific occasions in the past couple of weeks, she has said "I know you need space, but I don't know how long I can wait."  She started sending me pictures of terrier puppies again on Instagram.  She justified them by adding "No pressure, but I just really wanted to share with you." (This was what precipitated her blow-up last Tuesday when I reminded her of the boundary and said I felt she should have discussed with me before deciding to ignore my request).

My feelings and opinions are judged against what she needs/wants and what she thinks I should need/want.  If it goes against her, then it's treated as an attack or a debate where she has to convince me otherwise.  As I said earlier today, if I speak up, what I say gets an extreme interpretation and thoughts get attributed to me that she created in her own mind.  I am so frequently reminded of what I do wrong or not well enough, often in the context of a joke, and if I object I'm told "we should be able to laugh at ourselves."  On multiple occasions, she has said or done something, and later told me with utter conviction that she did not say or do it.  She has even recently said that in "(her) reality" that's what did or didn't happen, leaving me to question my own reality and/or convince her with evidence to the contrary.

I have never felt like I'm good enough to satisfy her (Brene Brown's book struck a pretty strong cord here with respect to being good enough).  She has said several times over the years that the purpose of our marriage is to help make each other better people.  It sticks with me every time, because I have not ever taken on a mission to make her a "better person."  Support her in the path she chooses to achieve that, yes, but I don't decide the path.  I find that I'm the one being asked to change, over and over... .and when I would successfully modify one behavior, I get told of another that needs my attention next. 

All of this has been going on to some degree throughout our marriage, but has gotten markedly worse in the last few years--and continues today even if some of it has improved little by little.  I'm really struggling.  I'm utterly depleted and cannot connect emotionally with uBPDw.  There is no emotional safety.  There is still very little follow-through on doing what she says she will do, even on some of the most basic things.  My anxiety has only increased in the past few months.  I get irritable with the kids far more than I would expect to be the result of "normal" parenting stress.  I don't sleep well, frequently waking in the early hours and unable to get back to sleep for 1-2 hours.  I have started doubting myself and my capabilities in ways I never have in all my life, and only through the efforts of my therapist have I managed to slow the rapid decline of my self-esteem.

I know uBPDw has been working through DBT, and she is seeking a second opinion on whether she has BPD (current provider confirms she matches many of the DSM-V symptoms but hasn't made a definitive diagnosis).  Diagnosis or not, the behaviors over the years of our marriage--especially as they have intensified in the past few--have taken their toll on me.  I acknowledge progress from the last few months of her treatment, and the opportunity/liklihood of ongoing change.  This will be critical for us to work together as co-parents, but I don't think it will be enough to save our marriage.

mw

[pearlsw]

hi mama-wolf,

so the timetable is that next week you get to let her know you finally and decisively want to break?

i hope you will feel some relief at this time. but don't be afraid to just feel what you feel.

may i ask, what did you do to rebuild your self-esteem?

with compassion, pearl.

[formflier]

MW,

That's a well written letter... .very thoughtful way of dealing with a difficult situation/subject.

I would suggest, if she doesn't respond, that you either call her or email her (in a way so that you know she has gotten the message)... that you will be making the separation announcement at next session.

I would think that's something she would want to be prepared for.

What can you do that is "extra" this coming week to be especially kind to yourself.

Wishing you strength and peace...

FF

[mama-wolf]

may i ask, what did you do to rebuild your self-esteem?

Well, I can’t really claim to have rebuilt anything yet.  The best I can say is that my therapist has helped me stop my self-esteem from deteriorating at the rate that it was. I’m still struggling otherwise.

Still, yes this coming week I will finally be able to openly acknowledge where I am emotionally.  My therapist has assured me it will bring me some relief, and I agree.

FF, absolutely agreed that the MC would want to know ahead of time about my plan.  She did in fact answer my email to confirm receipt and let me know she would respond, but on Monday.  I followed up with a more specific note to tell her I’m sorry and specifically indicated my need to tell uBPDw of my intent to separate in the next session.

This coming week, I don’t know of much extra that I can do for myself.  I’m sticking with my training plan for an upcoming sprint triathlon, which has been providing much-needed structure for me to stick with some self-care.

Since I’m telling her on Friday, I expect to be focused on managing her emotional response over the weekend. I did take the day off work on the following Monday so that once the kids are at school I can focus on me a bit.  Even scheduled myself a massage because I had a gift credit... .and I will be capping that day off with another session with my therapist.

mw

[pearlsw]

Well, I can’t really claim to have rebuilt anything yet.  The best I can say is that my therapist has helped me stop my self-esteem from deteriorating at the rate that it was. I’m still struggling otherwise.
  I’m sticking with my training plan for an upcoming sprint triathlon, which has been providing much-needed structure for me to stick with some self-care.

hey, hey! i used to do tri's! those are great fun! wishing you much success! there is your self-esteem boost right there! or one at least!

my favorite part was the swim as you might guess!  

take care, pearl.

[formflier]

I expect to be focused on managing her emotional response over the weekend. 

What's this about? 

Has your T advised you to manage her response? 

Massage and chiropractic are huge for me to keep me on an even keel.

FF

[mama-wolf]

What's this about? 

Has your T advised you to manage her response?

Sorry, didn’t mean it that way.  I was referring to managing how her emotional response may impact the kids (i.e. keeping them away/occupied and out of any drama) and me for that matter (as far as not getting drawn into texts, phone calls, arguments, etc).  I mainly meant giving her the space to process what she needs to process. I will be staying out of the line of fire as much as possible!

And thank you, pearl! It’s my first tri ever... .and the swim is my favorite, too!

[formflier]

  I mainly meant giving her the space to process what she needs to process. I will be staying out of the line of fire as much as possible!
 

That's a solid plan.

I would directly address this in your MC session. 

"How can we give each other space to process the start of a new phase of our relationship... .?"

Or something like that.

FF

[mama-wolf]

Well, I have made it to the week of the big day.  Struggling with a bit of a headache today, and I’m not convinced it’s entirely from overexertion from my training plan.  I did have a couple of pretty strenuous workouts between yesterday and today (90 minute bike + 20 minute run yesterday, and 1000 yard swim + 45 minute run today).  Thankfully the training ramps down now over the next couple of weeks, but driving home from the gym, part of my field of vision was fuzzy/staticky.  Really weird... .I have never actually experienced that before. It did clear up after my shower, but now I have a headache.

I’m just ready for this to be over.  The anticipation of how bad this can get is really getting to me. I’m glad I have a therapy session tomorrow, though I’m not really sure how much good it will do at this point. I do know it’s the one hour out of the entire week that I actually feel safe.  I don’t mean physically... .it’s just that outside of that office, I’m walking through an emotional minefield.  The mines are still there while I’m in therapy, but at least I can trust my T to help me navigate and defuse them.  Best analogy I can come up with... .

mw

[Cat Familiar]

mama-wolf,
Having broken up with an abusive spouse, I’d like to offer you one piece of advice: Don’t overthink it.

For all you’re going through, you sound well balanced, resourceful, and ready to deal with circumstances as they unfold.

I was surprised to not feel any grief at ending my relationship, only relief that I was free.

Just know that you’re well prepared and have a good network of support, both IRL and here.  

Cat

[mama-wolf]

mama-wolf,
Having broken up with an abusive spouse, I’d like to offer you one piece of advice: Don’t overthink it.

Thanks for that, Cat... .

Yes, I think most of my issue yesterday was blood-pressure related... .mostly due to overexertion but I can't help but think it has been spiking a bit lately due to my situation.

So I work on finding ways to calm myself, stay grounded, and avoid letting uBPDw trigger my anxiety.  Relief is coming.  The rest can wait.

mw

[formflier]

My blood pressure goes up when "BPDish" issues arise... .  Luckily it will come down a day or so after it passes.

I'ts one of the reasons I've been so "firm" on boundaries and trying not to engage.

Life with normal BP is much... much better.

Do you normally have BP issues or does it seem to be only tied to the r/s?

FF

[mama-wolf]

Do you normally have BP issues or does it seem to be only tied to the r/s?

I have actually never before had blood pressure issues.  Even when things have escalated in the r/s it hasn't impacted me in that way.  My blood pressure tends to stay on the low end of the healthy range, even when I'm sitting in the chair at the dentist's office.  I haven't been able to actually measure in the last day or two, but I'm feeling in come and go as pressure in my head (mostly) and chest (sometimes), and the visual disturbance yesterday was a big indicator.  I really do think it's tied to the anticipation of what's going to happen on Friday since it will be such a big step and there are a lot of ways things can go sideways.

mw

[formflier]

I've been taking meds to control BP for 6 months or so now, perhaps a bit longer.  I have a few other things that contribute in addition to BPD stuff from my wife.

What I've noticed is that my BP will be nice a low and I'll start thinking about dropping my medication down to a bit lower does (it's pretty low already) and then there will be some relationship thing

BP will eleveate 30-40 and stay there for day or so.  I can totally feel it.

Anyway... .it's given me extra reason to back out of conversations and let her do, what she will do.

Best to you this week, I know you have a lot on your mind!   Walk your path... .you've thought about this for a while... .your new life awaits.

FF

[mama-wolf]

Thanks, FF!  Just got out of a session with my T, and as expected she pegs it as my anxiety spiking due to the upcoming conversation.  We talked through the plan, when/how to tell the kids, etc. and it helped calm me down a bit... .

I also heard back from the MC while I was in session with my T and she has agreed to lead me through breaking the news to uBPDw on Friday.  She said she agrees with the separation, that she can sense the tension each week and read the frustration on my face.

So the stage is set, the plans are made, and I just need to get through the next three evenings at my house.  uBPDw has a networking thing tomorrow evening, and a firm opening party the following evening (which I'm going to, but won't stay at for long)... .that should keep the week somewhat manageable, at least.  My T has helped talk me through how to successfully get through the weekend, and has said I can email her if I need to (strongly encouraged me to do so, in fact), and I see her again on Monday afternoon.  I'm going to try and stay focused on just getting to Monday for now, and leave the rest for next week.

mw

[formflier]

A good T is a wonderful thing... especially one that lets you reach out when you need.

I just got done with my weekly meeting... .very thankful I have a good one as well.

FF

[Red5]

So the stage is set, the plans are made, and I just need to get through the next three evenings at my house.

My T has helped talk me through how to successfully get through the weekend, and has said I can email her if I need to (strongly encouraged me to do so, in fact), and I see her again on Monday afternoon. 

I'm going to try and stay focused on just getting to Monday for now, and leave the rest for next week.

Hello MaMa Wolf,

Very sorry you are going through all of this,

I got divorced myself about eleven years ago, had been married since age eighteen, and it lasted for almost twenty-two years.

I can attest to the myriad of feeling one will have when this event comes to fruition.

My best advice, stay focused, take care of yourself and your children, “take the high road”, take it one day at a time, and stick to your plan.

There is life on the other side of this, I know that time seems to slow down to a crawl, but time does heal, Please know that.

Please know that you are in all our thoughts and prayers here, keep us posted, and remember; take very good care of yourself, eat, rest, & exercise, very important for your physical as well mental strength!

Red5