replacement or just a rebound?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

how do you distinct if your BPD ex suddenly entered a new relationship or if she is just on a rebound relationship?

I think both of those things have one thing in common... ."get over the depression of loneliness ass soon as possible before I kill myself"

[gilac]

how do you distinct if your BPD ex suddenly entered a new relationship or if she is just on a rebound relationship?

I think both of those things have one thing in common... ."get over the depression of loneliness ass soon as possible before I kill myself"

[pearlsw]

Hey gilac,

Not sure it matters really. A "rebound" relationship can last years... .by that time I hope I'd have moved on too. By some definition every one of my relationships since the first one ended could be defined as a rebound of some sort and I'm a non. Realizing something was missing in the previous situation and looking for it in the next, and on and on.

I've ended relationships and stayed single for years and years, and other times I jump right back in.

Is it bothering you that someone moved on quickly?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[once removed]

how long were you broken up before she entered into a new relationship?

[gilac]

we broke up two months ago, NC from when she blocked me two and a half weeks ago

we bumped into each other a month a go, she was smiling and literally melting when she saw me, it was later confirmed to me that she said that she "felt love" when we saw each other that day

I saw them yesterday but they didn't noticed me at first so I could see their natural behaviour towards each other, and it tells me that they didn't met just yesterday, my guess would be two or three weeks, but that's just my guess...

[Lucky Jim]

Hey gilac, Of course it's uncomfortable to cross paths with one's BPD Ex, particularly when he/she is with a new SO.  Two months since your b/u is a relatively short period of time, so I think you should give yourself a chance to recover.  In the long run, it's best to move on, because most BPD relationships are not built to last, in my view.  The ongoing stress and drama can often cause a r/s to break down.  I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now, yet one day I predict you will be grateful to have parted ways with your BPD Ex.

How are you feeling about your b/u at this point?  Are you hoping for a recycle?  If so, many of us (including me) have done it.

Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[gilac]

Hey gilac, Of course it's uncomfortable to cross paths with one's BPD Ex, particularly when he/she is with a new SO.  Two months since your b/u is a relatively short period of time, so I think you should give yourself a chance to recover.  In the long run, it's best to move on, because most BPD relationships are not built to last, in my view.  The ongoing stress and drama can often cause a r/s to break down.  I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now, yet one day I predict you will be grateful to have parted ways with your BPD Ex.

How are you feeling about your b/u at this point?  Are you hoping for a recycle?  If so, many of us (including me) have done it.

Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

Hi LuckyJim,

thanks for your response, to be honest, I do feel she did me a favour and I'm aware that the new bf will suffer more than I will from now on. I do plan to ignore her if she ever makes contact, and I'm working on myself these days to never come back to her ever. However, I do have a feeling that I could talk to her in the future like a friend, that's probably because whenever I see her I still feel close to her (her hair, the way she dresses, everything). I'm aware that she was very very abusive towards me, but somehow I justify all that knowing it's her BPD. It feels wierd... .

At this stage, I think I'm trying to cope with the fact that I was right that she will move to the next one very fast, so fast that it bothers me a lot that she is intimate with another guy just like that. I'm also starting to doubt if she cheated on me during the last three months (the period of chaos) and I'll probably try to find that out.

[gilac]

I forgot to mention, I knew she will "move on" fast since we started dating only two and a half months since her previous relationship that lasted for eight months, but we met each other (she came to me actually) just month and a half after that.

As far as I know, she had three one night stands in the middle of those two relationships, the first one only a week after her break up.

[Shawnlam]

how do you distinct if your BPD ex suddenly entered a new relationship or if she is just on a rebound relationship?

I think both of those things have one thing in common... ."get over the depression of loneliness ass soon as possible before I kill myself"

In all honesty as much as this sucks to say & hear does it matter anymore? I mean yes it hurts and sucks to hear and see trust me , but knowing what you know now ,is it such a bad thing.Ive gotten the I love you and miss you and adoration during a lunch 3 weeks ago after she broke up with me.I later found out that weekend she left me was to go out with one of her ex’s boyfriends.When you hear something like that it hurts of course but then it kinda transforms itself into the inevitable “ huh I guess in a way it was for the better for me”. All in all once you understand how their mind works the anger gets replaced with compassion and pity.I don’t hate me exGF for doing this because well frankly she needs to do those things to feel less empty.When she saw me just like when yours saw you don’t think they weren’t happy to see you,she was Id bet money on it.Its just how their minds work it operates in the moment on an emotional level pure and simple.When we are not there present in person ,it’s whoever or whatever is in front of them that counts,or whoever is texting them that’s giving them attention.At first I never understood the whole refraining from communication until I realized it’s all about giving them attention and I turn keeping them just as hooked as us.Now I fore one have chosen to not reach out or text/talk anymore but I haven’t and won’t prevent her from talking to me.So the whole NC thing is kinda a 50% thing for me .

In summary once you grasp how they operate on the emotional spectrum it’s easy to swallow and move on.When you got a new toy as a child you always play with it more at first then it finds itself under the bed with the rest.Months later when you clean your room ahah! Look what I found I miss this toy I’ll play with it a bit(but never as long as when I first got it).Eventually the toys permanently lose their appeal and they are discarded.It doesn’t mean they hate the toy they no longer have,it doesn’t mean it likes to show off the new toys to the old toys on purpose all the time ,it just is how the are.Thats the easiest summary I can provide to how I’ve taken on seeing their actions,and an easy way for my anger to subside go away.Ill get fleeting moments of sadness ,missing her,anger she discarded me but then I remember why she does these things and it gets easier to accept.I hope what I said makes sense  and don’t take anything too personal ,it isn’t about you with them never was ,never will be.
Regards shawn

[once removed]

i think its common to "get back out there" after a month or two.

that doesnt mean it doesnt sting. i fell head over heels for a girl my senior year in high school, thought we had a future together. when she broke up with me, i was devastated, and i really wanted her back. when i found out that after about a month, she got back with an ex, and i had to hear about them and see them, it was excruciating.

it left me with no choice but to grieve, and lick my wounds, and not under easy circumstances, either.

youll get through this gilac, one step at a time, and we are here to help you through it.

[Lucky Jim]

I do have a feeling that I could talk to her in the future like a friend, that's probably because whenever I see her I still feel close to her

Hello again, gilac,  In my view, it's OK if you decide to remain casual friends, assuming it's not too painful for you.  Seeing one's Ex, for some of us, can trigger a lot of emotions, so pay attention to your feelings if you elect to have social conversations w/her.  Suggest you remain careful if you elect to dip your toe back in the BPD swam.

As once removed says, we'll help you through it as you find the right path for you.

LJ

[gilac]

thank you for your replies, it means a world to me to get some rational response in this period when I'm emotionaly very vunerable

@shawnlam

I understand you, reading your post was a relief, I need that dose of reality and I can sure feel more confident.
You're right, once their behaviour pattern becomes clearer to me I will move on much easier. I need to understand that. Your example with toys is spot on! It's much clearer. Frankly, even her relationship with me was born out of the same reasons, it's obvious now. It didn't took her long even back then... .I'm aware that, ironically, I'm the winner in this situation, she found a new toy to break, and will continue to break herself, I can continue to be myself away from her isolation and manipulation. Thank you once again.

@once removed

Thanks! Yes, time will heal... .It's a slow process, but it's a fact that I can't feel like this all the time in the future.
The only downside to this is that she lives just down the street, that's why I bump into her so often (it was her idea to move as close to me as possible, just as she moved in she started to distance herself from me). It's also the route I can't avoid... .

@Lucky Jim

Yes, I guess I could be casual friend with her, but nothing more, I'm aware of the consequences. Just to avoid her games. But for now, I stopped saying hello to her on the street, just for my own sanity and to stand on my ground. I allowed her to much anyways, so I need to show that I'm not depending on her. Even if any contact occurs, I don't want it to be before at least a year passes, I'll probably ignore any attempt by that time.

But I'm sure I don't want to initiate anything, that was my decision three weeks ago and I feel very strong about it.

PS
I already attempted to have a casual friendship during the gaslightning period after the break up, but she was so cruel towards my kind words that it was very confusing and it was obvious that she was on a hunt for a new prey.

[Lucky Jim]

Even if any contact occurs, I don't want it to be before at least a year passes, I'll probably ignore any attempt by that time.

But I'm sure I don't want to initiate anything, that was my decision three weeks ago and I feel very strong about it.

I'm with you, gilac, and think that sounds like a wise strategy.  Suggest you stay firm with your decision.

LJ

[gilac]

ok, one of the main struggles with this situation is the fact that I work from home. I work from my computer 8 hours a day + going to university the other part of the day. Since it isn't physical work my thoughts are constantly killing my concentration. This is somehow slowing down my recovery from all of this, I live alone so I can only hear my thoughts.

But to be honest, school and work are far better than during the break up/gaslighning period when I was so confused by the situation that I was out of my mind.

I try to do things/go out whenever I have time, but for the most part of the week, I must be in my "office".

[Lucky Jim]

Hey gilac, There's a great book about how the mind works entitled My Stroke of Genius, by Jill Bolte Taylor, which suggests that we have more control over our thoughts than we might think.  One technique she mentions is saying "cancel" or "delete" out loud, and then redirecting one's thoughts to something positive.  Another technique is moving from left brain chatter into right brain territory, which is more fluid and creative, when one is getting distracted. Worth a try!

LuckyJim