Very Long term BPD relationship

[SomeChick673]

Hello-


This is my first time posting here, but I often read this forum a lot. I was in a very long term relationship with someone that had BPD... .from a young teen. We were bestfriends for the most part, with some moments of romantic relationships that were short lived. There were some off periods... .but overall my relationship with him was about 13 years on and two periods off that were a combined 7 years.  Even though it was technically a friendship, it was very intense... .more so than most of my romantic relationships. We currently do not speak and haven't for about 3-4 years.

This person still contacts me from time to time... .sometimes to say positive things... other times to tell me how terrible I am. Typical interactions that we all have in dealing with someone with BPD. I don't respond and try not to listen much to the messages. I have debated changing my number over the years, but have had it forever and worry about losing contact with other people I don't want to use contact with. I really don't use social media ... .mainly because I know he will go on there and stalk me and try to reach out to me commenting on something he saw on my social media.  I feel like I have to hide my life as much as possible... to avoid hearing his judgments. I have blocked him on every possible avenue I can. It feels like I have to live a secret life... .because if he found out about my life... .he would find a way to contact me and tell me how much he didn't approve... .and basically ridicule me for it. That is honestly the most harmful part... .the ridicule... because it makes me doubt my own judgments.

There is nothing particularly worth not approving of in my life (to a typical person)... it would just be his lack of approval of who I dated... .who I was hanging out with etc. Mainly he has a lot to say about my personal life.

Reading forums on here, it is comforting to know that the behavior of this person is typical of someone with BPD and not unique to OUR relationship at all. He also has similar relationships with most other people he interacts with. What does worry me though is that I haven't seen anyone in a situation similar to mine in terms of the amount of TIME they spent with the BPD person- that wasn't a family member. Most people... .a  few months... a few years. An ex-spouse. But an obsessive friend... .who was in your life for 15 years since childhood... .I haven't read of someone with that history.

It's worrisome to me because, unlike other people on here, I feel like I developed into an adult WITH this person. He was around and close to me during those pivotal years as a teen when you learn who you are and you begin to develop relationships with peers... .its not like I was an adult who had a strong sense of self to begin with who could just tell myself... .its them, not me... .bad experience... .hard to deal with, but ok, move on with your life. I feel like the typical things you hear from a BPD partner... .that YOU are the problem and are an inherently flawed person who is uncaring etc etc... .have stuck with me to an extent... .perhaps because I was young and it went on for soo long. I never got to be a healthy adult first if you know what I mean.

Am I making too big of a deal out of this? Has anyone else had a similar situation in terms of time frame? It's hard not to think that the experience permanently damaged my character. I do generally feel unworthy... in life. And have a really hard time feeling happy in relationships. I either feel bored or trapped... .and I sometimes worry that I have BPD traits... or at least that's what he convinced me of.

[SomeChick673]

As a matter of fact... .his constant judgment of me is so bad that I fear posting on here! I fear he will find me on this site! Just from reading the description... he will know its me and find a way to contact me to tell me how much he hates me for me "blaming" him for my problems, etc. or anything that alludes to the fact that he did NOT positively influence my life.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey SomeChick673, Welcome, and glad you decided to post on this Board.  You are definitely not alone and many of us have had similar experiences with a BPD r/s, which is why we're all here.  No, you're not making too big a deal out of your prior r/s with a pwBPD.  It's hard to emerge from a BPD r/s unscathed, as most of us can attest, yet I can also confirm that it's possible to recover, grow and move on to healthy relationships.

You mention a number of issues in your introductory post, and I'm wondering if there are any particular questions that you are wrestling with, that maybe we can shed light on?

I understand your fear that your Ex might discover that you have posted on this site, so do what you need to do to protect your privacy.  Does he have access to your gadgets?  If so, suggest you take extra precautions.

LuckyJim

[pearlsw]

Hey SomeChick673,

I'd like to join LuckyJim in welcoming you here!

So sorry to hear what a toll this has taken on - especially in your formative years. It's been 3-4 years since you have heard from him, but you know he's out there and could pop back into your life at any time? Or he is contacting you, but you are not replying?

You feel he damaged your character and your self-esteem? In terms of character did his influence change something fundamental about you? I get that, I feel like that happened to me a bit. And your self-esteem too? What are you doing now, if anything to maintain or improve that?

with compassion, pearl.

[Mutt]

Hi SomeChick673,

 

I'd like to join the others and welcome you to the site. I'm sorry to hear that you're worried that he is going to reenter your life, I would find that difficult because of the opportunities that I miss because of my exBPDbf. I think that you're in the right place, I understand that your situation is different than others we do have members that have a friend with BPD maybe the friendship / r/s is not as long as yours it helps to talk to others that get it to gain guidance. Have you had a chance to read our article on boundaries when you were lurking on the site? In simple terms boundaries keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out, boundaries protect you, I'd take a look at the article if you haven't done so, it;s a step towards taking control of your life.

[SomeChick673]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

No, my ex does not have access to anything of mine. I haven't seen him in over 3 years, but he does try to get in contact me via phone (i haven't changed my number).  He also found out where I work and for a while was trying to call me at work. I actually had to tell the receptionist to stop transferring his calls to me.  I'm always afraid one day he'll show up outside my job. And also, he knows where I live.

I think he is smart enough to know what "crossing the line" is in terms of being able to get a restraining order put against him. So he doesn't do anything that would make anyone able to call police action against him.

He sent me a bunch of texts from an unknown number the other day and of course I read some and then blocked him. I managed to kind of forget about the incident since... .which is good.

Within the last couple of years I've had a lot of issues with relationships. I will get very anxious and depressed when I feel a relationship is getting more "serious." During the casual dating period I am fine. I was never like this years ago. Im not sure if its because I didn't take my relationships too seriously and thought of them as "temporary" when I was younger. And now I think the relationship decision is much more serious? Never realized I as such a commitment phobe. Although I am dating someone now who I feel very comfortable with... .I have some morning anxiety, but overall can really relax and be myself with this person.

Also, I definitely feel that I don't really know who I am. When I first stopped speaking to my ex years ago, I felt as if I didn't know how to exist in the world without him. I didn't know who to be... who I belonged with... what kind of person I was. That has definitely gotten better as the years have gone on. I felt "lost" without him. Now during this second run without him, that feeling of being lost without him isn't as strong... .I am just so sure I will never go back to him... .there is no chance. But I still do not feel entirely comfortable with myself... .I just don't know myself really? And I don't know what I want... etc.

I haven't read the specific article on boundaries on this site... but I've read many others. I answer 'yes' to nearly every question about boundaries... .I have very few boundaries. This definitely goes back to my mother... who violates people's boundaries all the time. And then... obviously, I let it perpetuate in my life with my ex.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Somechick-

I'm sorry that you're hurting like this... .very painful aftermath to years of being subjected to BPD treatment.  And the pain is likely heightened by the fact that you were so young when you met - we do bond closely when we engage so young and sustain relationships during those formative years.  Even if some of those bonds become trauma bonds.   Your identity was kind of bonded to him too, no?  It feels you have a lot to heal from, a lot of trauma was thrown on you (I actually understand "morning anxiety" only too well), but you CAN overcome this with some focus.  And the desire to heal.

Sometimes when we are in long-term relationships with pwBPD, we may take on some of the "traits" as a matter of survival - trying to defend ourselves when we don't know what's really happening.  But that's not who we truly are - it's more for surviving day to day.  We're more codependent- trying to placate and keep our partners calm (yet at times unable to slow our own racing hearts).   Given the relief when they are no longer an actual daily threat to our wellbeing, we can drop those behaviors.  To us, they're just behaviors, they are NOT who we are in our core.

I would ask you... .what have you tried as far as truly detaching and healing from the relationship?  Is there anything that has kept you attached?  And if there is, what is that and why?  Are you truly ready to release that attachment?  Hard questions, I know.  If and when you are truly prepared to detach, there are tools on this board, and people here to help you with that process.

There IS a lot at play here.  Learning who you are is a process.  Take your time and privately ask yourself questions about your own beliefs, your likes and dislikes.  And perhaps writing in a journal will help.  Don't THINK about what you're writing, just let your words pour from your fingertips.  You can learn some things about yourself that way.  You can talk to yourself about your dreams... .and tell yourself you will have the life and the love you want.

Sorry I'm all over the place... .confusion is okay, though, right?  We're all entitled to some of that.

I may be completely off base here, but something else comes to mind.  Maybe you're conflicted about where he fits into your world.  On the one hand, you state that you don't want him in your life.  Yet when dating other men, you become "depressed" when things become more "serious".  My take here is that somewhere in your mind, in your past, you may have thought or expressed that he may have been your "one". -  if only... .  but we know... ."if only" doesn't happen with pwBPD.  And that may be where your sadness lies, where your confusion has thus far blocked your way.  You can move that confusion.

We know we cannot "fix" or heal their deep and destructive illness.  Yet somehow we think we can absorb the blows and "fix" them anyway.  We cannot.  But we CAN take the wheel of our own lives because we ask the questions.  This is how you know you are not the pwBPD. 

The final things I will ask for now are these- are you living in fear?  And if so, what type of assistance can we give you to make this stop?

If you were to ask him to leave you to live in peace, would he?  it's a silly question coming from me... .I am terrified of telling my stbxBPDbf that I cannot see him again. 

Please respond when you can.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[SomeChick673]

Hi Gemsforeyes-

Thank you for your thought out reply.

I wouldn't say I am "living in fear" per say bc he is not around me at all. But I do get very anxious if there at all seems to be a possibility of me bumping into him... .such as him calling and leaving messages etc. For example, years ago when we were on a break from talking, I saw him while out with a boyfriend. I was skating with my then boyfriend and he was walking in front of us with some friends... his back to us. I began to panic soo much... .I stopped skating and sat down... .plus I didn't want him to turn around and see us.

I do not fear him in a physical sense... .just in a psychological one. I fear that if he comes back into my life... .whatever I spent time building something (a relationship, etc) will be done. Like that day, I feared that if he saw me there with my boyfriend, he would've said something so terrible to me or my boyfriend that would've resulted in our relationship ending.

I guess the whole he was my "one" IF ONLY was true for me for a while. A lot of the reason for that is because I also knew him from such a young age... .BEFORE he was exhibiting BPD symptoms. For the first 2 years or so of our friendship... .he seemed perfectly normal. Then at some point we drifted apart a little (just naturally)... he got a new group of friends and had a nervous breakdown of some sort and was hospitalized. After that he was never the same again. It almost felt  like how people talk about how someone changes after a car accident if their temporal lobe was damaged or something. It was that great of a shock to me... .who he became after that incident.  And for years I kind of blamed myself for it in a sense. I thought if only I were closer with him at the time, it wouldn't have happened. I also spent years after that thinking he would "go back" to the way he was. That this could somehow be fixed or reserved. He was like a completely different person to me. I know now there is no changing him back to the way he was... .or perhaps he just never was who I thought and I didn't realize it.

At times he's acknowledged this major shift and at other times he's said that I just "didn't really know him" during the early years. I think the ladder might be more true. I found out things later on that were things going on during the first few years we met that I would've never imagined were possible at the time.

As far as the "if only" feeling... .He makes it his life's mission to constantly remind his exes as much as possible that they will never feel as close to anyone else etc. And in the same breath will berate you for saying that he is preventing you from moving on with your life.

I have exes myself that I know had a hard time moving on after we broke up and wanted to get back together. I do NOT reach out to them to tell them how they will never have anything better than our relationship... etc. What kind of a person does that? I WANT them to be able to move on.

Have I told him to leave me in peace? Yes... for the last decade. He does not care. And... will then say that YOU are the problem when you say you want him to go away, so you can move on with your life. He will claim... he is not preventing you from doing anything... you can do whatever you want. He is only repeatedly trying to get in touch with you after being told numerous times not to reach out... .he leaves long messages telling you how horrible you are or how much he misses you... .this will take place after YEARS of not speaking. The first year or two will just be repeated phone calls... .phone ringing off the hook. Then after a few years he'll stop for a few months... .then go through a phase where he starts up again... .that's all... .But all his exes can move on and do "whatever they want" right? Have new relationships... .do whatever... .all while he is calling off the hook and leaving insane messages... .calling you at work...

My reason for posting now is because he just contacted me via text through an unknown number saying how it was not him that prevented me from moving on with my life, etc etc... .that I was actually the source of low self esteem for HIM... not the other way around. etc. And acting he is all doing better now... .he's done this before.

What have I done about healing? Honestly... .not much. I have friends that knew him well... .and I can always confide in them about him and the issues and they understand... .although I don't talk much about him anymore. I've thought about going to a therapist... but honestly... my big fear with that is not being taken seriously. Or the therapist undermining the issues with him. I feel like the only people I've met that truly take the issues with this guy seriously are other people that KNOW him or have dealt with him. Other people just think they know... .they think they know someone similar or whatever... .they don't. And it becomes frustrating to explain to them what's unique about the situation but MORE SO... what's unique about him... even compared to others with BPD. I also fear that all of the talk focusing on it might make me feel worse?  It's like on one hand you want someone who takes it seriously... .but on another... .I fear that taking it so seriously makes me feel like weirdo for having gone through it ... .and it becomes isolating and I feel like I can't just get on with normal people.

Have I tried detaching? I mean... .yes, I think so. Not sure what you mean by really detaching?  I think I am always trying to detach. I have no desire to see or hear from him ever again. I do have an issue with new relationships... I think the codependency is part of that. You come to feel that codependency is "normal" and anything else is not a "real" relationship or too distant. I go through times where I am like... No... its not my past with him that have caused these problems... .maybe it was my relationship with my mother. And I've come to the conclusion that my childhood may have been what made me stay in the relationship with HIM for so many years. However, my relationship with him was ultimately what really did a doozy on me in terms of personal relationships. Before I started having problems with him, I had boyfriends who I really loved and felt comfortable with. I was normal in relationships and felt happy... .I was also very young though... so could be chalked up to that.

He basically makes it seem like anyone who wants a relationship is an idiot. That's his MO. relationships are dumb and anyone who wants a relationship and a family is just a loser and going with the "norm." No relationships are actually "real" or admirable to him... .they're all just two stupid people thinking they have something that they really don't have... .Only the types of relationships HE deems good enough are acceptable. And usually all that means are relationships that are not a threat to him in any way. Like he has no desire to be super close with either of the partners in the relationship.

Example... I had a good relationship in high school... .like high school sweethearts kind of thing... was very happy in it. This was kind of when my relationship with my BPD friend grew apart a bit. Me and that hs sweetheart eventually broke up... .but I always looked back fondly on the relationship and honestly still do. MY BPD friend would always make it a point to tell me that everyone... .like in HS and everyone around me was looking at my relationship with this person and laughing. Saying how my boyfriend was gross and no one could see what I saw in him... etc etc. OR that i acted very possessive of him in front of other girls (meanwhile I really have never been that way in my life... and I never feared him going anywhere). But basically everyone was looking at my relationship with this guy and talking trash and mocking it is the impression he gave.  His mission... .in every sense of the world was to convince you that everyone on the outside was seeing you in a way you didn't realize. You thought you had a nice loving relationship?... .well you're stupid bc everyone was talking about how dumb your relationship was.

ANyway... .i'm just going on and on and on now... .wondering if this type of actions sound similar to other BPD experiences... .



 

[Lucky Jim]

I still do not feel entirely comfortable with myself... .I just don't know myself really? And I don't know what I want... etc.

Hey SomeChick, it's easy to "lose" oneself in a BPD r/s.  It happened to me and I understand how it feels, which is not fun.  I suggest that you view your new path as a journey towards authenticity.  It's a chance to line things up with your core, which leads to personal freedom.  You are the expert on what is right for you.  Suggest you pay attention to small desires, the golden threads that lead to your core.  Your task is to notice those threads and follow them, which is how Theseus emerged from the Cave of the Minotaur.  You, too, can emerge from the BPD cave.

LJ

[SomeChick673]

One more thing... .It's hard to explain the feeling... .and i know this sounds crazy. But I feel as though my BPD ex owns me. This is what makes it hard to move on. It's like he is the arbiter of what constitutes a good or bad relationship and he will always try to get in contact to tell you that. And he is the arbiter of what he thinks is "good" or "bad" for everyone. 

I start to feel fine and myself... and then he contacts me and its like... .oh wait... .I'm not free. That's right. 

The lack of respect for my wishes (to not be contacted) says to me ... .you don't have any say in your own life. People are always going to do what they want to you regardless. I guess the feeling of "ownership" comes from a feeling of powerlessness... .and I feel powerless, obviously, because I can't even get this person to respect my basic wishes.

[Lucky Jim]

I feel powerless, obviously, because I can't even get this person to respect my basic wishes.

Hey SomeChick, I suggest boundaries (see Tools button above) as a strategy for taking back your power.  No, your BPDx doesn't own you, though it may feel like that.  Instead, I would propose that you are the Captain of your own ship, which means you are free to do what is best for YOU.  Forget about his judgments about "good" or "bad" which are inapplicable to you.

LJ