Have you found yourself waiting for your “real” life to begin?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello friends,

While I was married, before we separated,  over decades we had some periods of normalcy strung together by crisis and chaotic events. It seems we were always trying to get past some terrible thing that was happening or had happened to him and then I imagined that things would be happy and maybe normal. 

Funny, I never really wondered why I wasn’t having this turmoil in my job, with my friends, in traffic, etc.

Now that I am examining this, I think it was easy to blame my preoccupation with his chaos on him.  But, on digging deeper, there is something in me that accepted these conditions.  With each crisis there was an opportunity for me to set a boundary, to enforce a boundary, to stand up for myself and I rarely did.  I let him set the pace essentially because I didn’t want to rock the boat. 

Now, I am on my own, I find myself still waiting.  For example, I think, maybe I should wait until he is ready to move out of the house before I see a lawyer.  I really do not want to keep waiting for this or that, until the conditions are right to live life to its fullest.

Can any of you relate to just waiting for the conditions to be right to live your best life? 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello friends,

While I was married, before we separated,  over decades we had some periods of normalcy strung together by crisis and chaotic events. It seems we were always trying to get past some terrible thing that was happening or had happened to him and then I imagined that things would be happy and maybe normal. 

Funny, I never really wondered why I wasn’t having this turmoil in my job, with my friends, in traffic, etc.

Now that I am examining this, I think it was easy to blame my preoccupation with his chaos on him.  But, on digging deeper, there is something in me that accepted these conditions.  With each crisis there was an opportunity for me to set a boundary, to enforce a boundary, to stand up for myself and I rarely did.  I let him set the pace essentially because I didn’t want to rock the boat. 

Now, I am on my own, I find myself still waiting.  For example, I think, maybe I should wait until he is ready to move out of the house before I see a lawyer.  I really do not want to keep waiting for this or that, until the conditions are right to live life to its fullest.

Can any of you relate to just waiting for the conditions to be right to live your best life? 

[Turkish]

For example, I think, maybe I should wait until he is ready to move out of the house before I see a lawyer.  I really do not want to keep waiting for this or that, until the conditions are right to live life to its fullest.

Maybe because still you don't want to "rock the boat" as you say?

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Turkish,

Thanks for your response.  Yes, I do think I am still habituated to " not rocking the boat." 

I was in denial always hoping that things weren't as bad as they seemed.  That he was a better person underneath bad behavior.  So, I guess I was waiting, stuck hoping that our relationship would become what I had envisioned. 

Processing the finality of divorce is difficult and I think I am avoiding dealing with it because it's painful.  We have been married 38 years.   I have an appointment on Tuesday with an attorney.  I have been wrestling with myself to keep from cancelling it.  So far, it is still on. 



Mustbeabetterway

[Turkish]

There's nothing wrong with hope 

I can't imagine being on a decades long marriage and changing (asserting?) my life after so long.  Standing up for one's self can be liberating and maybe scary at the same time. 

[Cromwell]

Yes many times in my life and applied to my r/s; waiting for the happy days to come.

Ive learned that it was very much a case of drawing a line in the sand, on the day you actually step on it and feel you got happiness, it gets washed away and another one gets drawn. How many relationships follow this pattern, an example, as mine became ever more precarious the line in the sand of "marriage and kids", with it the idea that once this was attained, happiness would result and not look back.

I found happiness a different route, stop playing that game and create happiness in the here and now. Real life is right now, i wasnt content waiting like Tom Hanks in "The Terminal" in the hope that if "x" finally happens everything will be great again. Its goal setting, which is fine, but dont overlook the ability to do your best each day in between it.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Cromwell,

Yes, I agree.  Happiness is to be found in the here and now. 

Mustbe 

[gotbushels]

Hi Mustbeabetterway   

I join the others in supporting you.

I hope you enjoy your peace. 

[Harley Quinn]

Good topic Mustbeabetterway.

I've been thinking about this recently and yes I can absolutely relate to playing the waiting game in my life.  Waiting for things to fall into place or be perfect to go ahead and do x, such as starting a new business or online venture.  The fact is, things will never be perfect.  If it's something we want, that will be good for us win or lose, then we have to be brave and just do it.  That's easier to write than to action a lot of the time, and you have reminded me of a book I was reading to my S4 recently.  Dr Seuss - 'Oh the places you'll go!'  The famous quote being 'You have brains in your head and feet in your shoes.  You can steer yourself any direction you choose.' 

If you're unfamiliar with the story, the traveller comes to somewhere called The Waiting Place, where everybody just waits.  It's a long rhyme to quote, (although I'll happily share it if you're interested) but what I will say is that it really struck a chord with me.  Suddenly I realised how much time in my life I'd held off doing things as I waited for the stars to align correctly (metaphorically speaking).  Thank you for underlining this and I hope that you find the wind at your back as you move forwards with what is right for you.  Let's wait no longer to be all we can be and live our best lives.  Scary, yes, and very very exciting.

Love and light x

[Mustbeabetterway]

Thank you gotbushelsfor your good wishes.  I’m enjoying the peace.  I truly am.

Harley Quinn, Thanks for calling attention to the lesson in the Dr. Seuss book.  That is so apropos to the topic!  That reminded me of one of my favorite Dr. Seuss books along the same theme it’s called I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew My Mom read it to me often.  It’s about people who have heard of a place with no troubles and they set out to reach it, only to find that there is no place without troubles and they have to go back and face their own troubles.”  Check it out.

Now that I am on my own, I am totally responsible for myself and my decisions.  It is exciting and sobering.  I’m trying to align my choices with my values and live authentically.  I’m working with my therapist to learn to do this and do it well.

Take care.  Peace and blessings,  Mustbe

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks for the recommendation Mustbe - I'll definitely check that one out.  I like the teachings in the book we're on for my son.  That includes facing up to our problems whatever they are so your other story sounds like a good follow on from that.

It’s about people who have heard of a place with no troubles and they set out to reach it, only to find that there is no place without troubles

You've now reminded me of something else.  I'm a fan of Mindvalley and have followed their work for years.  On their YouTube channel there is a video from the founder Vishen Lakhiani, who speaks about the Reverse Gap.  Basically, many of us are postponing our happiness by saying things such as 'I'll be happy when... .'  Instead of thinking ahead to what we need to achieve in order to be happy, we need to look back at how far we've come and celebrate what we have achieved between then and now.  Expressing gratitude is a great way to do this and he tells us that it's been proven by scientists that people who spend 5 minutes each day thinking about what in their lives right now they are grateful for are 25% happier. 

I think that ties us back into the fact that things will never be just right for everything to fall into place.  It's up to us to be grateful for where we are now and to make the most of today. 

I’m trying to align my choices with my values and live authentically.  I’m working with my therapist to learn to do this and do it well.

 

That's wonderful to hear.  We are in similar places and I'll look forward to hearing more of your thoughts along the way.

Love and light x