she's moving far away, I'm conflicted

[Lady Itone]

BPDgf and I currently live a 5 1/2 hour drive apart. It's been about 8 months since she left town, first for a stint in the psyche ward after a very bad psychotic episode (we were broken up at the moment) then a rehab facility, and lastly, in a halfway house/group home for recovering addicts with mental illness.

We videochat twice a week, and we've managed to get together for a few days every other month. She constantly begs me to let her move back in with me, but I set forth a couple rules (no street drugs no psychotic episodes and she must work and/or attend school) and I will not enmesh my life with hers until I see those things solidly for, like, a year or two. She was trying to get a spot in a group home for nonviolent mentally ill in my city, where she could finish her college degree, but they rarely return her phone calls, never send her the application they say they'll send, and just seem to give her the run-around.

So now, she's accepted a job as a live-in nanny several states away! I was surprised, as she had told me she didn't want to nanny any more (though she's great at it) because it hurts too much when the job ends and she has to say goodbye to the kids. But I think she wants out of her current situation bad enough. Maybe me singing to her "I don't want no scrubs" (a.k.a. jobless people) finally got through. She says if/when in the future I say the word, she'll move to wherever I am, but right now she's excited to "save up money for us." She said, "You know I just need to grow up a little."

I'm happy for her to be doing something useful and money-making. She seemed to be stagnating in her group home, not working or going to school, not really attending group therapy. She perceived her neighborhood as scary so never wanted to go out, and her housemates were gross so she interacted with them minimally. This family sounds like a good fit--a lesbian paramedic with 2 foster daughters in elementary school. My girlfriend is totally lucid and focused right now, and it's actually fun to interact with her the last few days.

I'm excited for her to get back to the real world, but also anxious about this change, and conflicted about us being so far apart. I worry about her going psychotic in a state where she doesn't know anyone, or what if she gets herself thrown out of the house and has no where to go? What if the mom is an axe-murder? But of course GF is a grown-ass woman who can and should make her own decisions and mistakes, plus, this takes a lot of pressure off me, her being so far away that I can't do much if things go to hell in a handbasket. That's a good thing, right?     
 
Next weekend, she'll be coming to my place for a couple days to get some stuff she left here, and to say goodbye. I'm guessing there will be some serious dysregulation on both our parts on the eve of such big change. She will create chaos with the packing and repacking of her stuff (she does this all the time, constantly reorganizing her crap, drives me nuts.) She'll probably falter and decide she can't or shouldn't go at the last minute, but then she'll go. She will almost definitely not be able to sleep the night before leaving, and keep me awake in the process.

I just need things to go smoothly enough that I get her, sober and sane, on that Greyhound to her new life. After that, we will probably not get to see each other for many months, as I can't afford to fly to her and I don't imagine myself taking a 40-hour bus ride. I'm guessing her new family won't be able to spare her much for trips to see me.

At times, all I've wanted was to be free of this exhausting relationship. But now that there's going to be entire states between us, I'm sad. I'm just so obsessed with this woman, the thought that I won't be able to touch her for who knows how long breaks my heart. And I don't feel like I can even let her know I feel this way, or it will confuse her and make her rethink her decision. 

Anybody got advice on how I can make this transition easier on us both?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi LadyItone, 

Nice to hear an update from you dear!

So you do want things to wind down? If so I'd do my best to be neutral and lower the temperature by reducing contact.

I'd fill my time with others... .and if I felt the urge to date someone new I'd do it. Even dull coffee dates will keep you busy for awhile and reduce the pull back to this partner if you want that. Just one kiss with a new person, I have to admit, can put distance between you and a former person. It's a step.

Do you think with her issues she'll be able to manage this job as a nanny? Just curious!

Do you think she wants to keep up contact or do you think she may want things to fade too?

warmly, pearl.

[Lady Itone]

I'd fill my time with others... .and if I felt the urge to date someone new I'd do it.

Do you think with her issues she'll be able to manage this job as a nanny? Just curious!

Do you think she wants to keep up contact or do you think she may want things to fade too?

We've always had an open relationship. I've been casually dating a male neighbor for a couple months. He's ok, he definitely doesn't curl my toes the way BPDgf can, but what can ya do?

She does not want to fade. She thinks I'm her "soulmate" and we will be together someday. If she ever gets it together, and I can learn to live with her issues, I'm on board with that. That's a lot of ifs.

I've known her like 3 years now, the longest jobs she's kept that I know of were nanny jobs, the last one lasted a year. Kids love her. If she can stay off drugs and booze and regulate her meds, she'll do fine. Again, lots of ifs.

[pearlsw]

Hey LadyItone,

I hear ya! Got it!

I sure hope things start to improve for her! Sounds like there is not much chance for in-person contact... .do you expect you will you want to let go more?

Is the neighbor guy nice?

warmly, pearl.

[Lady Itone]

I won't have much choice but to let go more. Or suffer. Long distance with several months without seeing her.  It's a lonely thought. On the other hand right now she's ticking me off begging me to buy her a pizza. Not happening.

Neighbor guy makes me feel lonely too. He's rather younger than me, a 36 year old bachelor, but seems set in his ways and not interested in alternating his routine for me. He doesn't go out  much we just hang at his place which gets dull.

[pearlsw]

hey, hey!

after the weekend i've had mr. dull sounds pretty great!

but i hear ya, the person who excites us the most can be hard not to want sometimes. she wants you to send her a pizza? really? what's that about?

take care, pearl.

[Lady Itone]

Oh dear, sorry you had a difficult weekend. Yes, in comparison sitting on the couch watching dumb movies with a man isn't so bad.


As for BPDgf, I set my phone to "ignore" so I didn't text something nasty like, "Have some dignity! You're a grown woman, buy your damned self a pizza!"

But it does seem like she has not been getting enough food. Last I saw her she was just too skinny, and it upset me. I know she doesn't eat when she's manic or taking lots of adderall, but she made it sound like she's not getting her fair share of food in the house. She is 6'1", a former athlete with a high metabolism and prefers organic, vegetarian food, which I think is tough when dealing food stamps.

So I sent her some nice granola bars. Then she complained she was out of food again, so I sent some organic ramen, and told her that was the last time I'd send food, she'll have to learn to budget her disability/food stamps better or bring in more income.

Sounds like she's squabbling over food with her housemates a lot.  I have a feeling she's going to eat me out of house and home when she gets here this weekend.

I'm not going to send her a pizza. I try not to do things for her that don't feel good for me, but I will make sure she gets a few good meals while we're together. Hopefully this new job works out and she can eat as much as she likes. 

[SunandMoon]

Hi Lady Itone

It's a good thing! I think she was really stagnating in that group home and it wasn't doing anything positive for her, just keeping her on hold. It sounds like, since your birthday weekend, she's trying to find a way back to you and normalcy.

Feed her up this weekend, keep things positive and support her - let her know you're proud of her for taking steps to turn her life around.

I'm sure the separation is going to be difficult for you both but I like the way she's thinking long term: "saving up money for us", going to be together some day. These are positive things and way better than it has been in the past. Try to support that attitude while also letting her know you care and, of course, will miss her.

I hope you have a beautiful and loving weekend together!

[Lady Itone]

Thank you SunandMoon, I agree, this is positive movement forward for her. I think my challenge will be not letting her now how badly I'll miss her, I don't want to cry or cling or give her any reason to think she shouldn't do this.

She's due in late tomorrow night, we'll see if she got her stuff packed and her ride organized. I'm trying to prepare myself for the inevitable chaos and the amount of energy she'll require from me. On the other hand, I can't wait to have her in my arms.

[pearlsw]

Hi Lady Itone,

Wishing you the most enjoyable and peaceful visit possible!

warmly, pearl.

[Lady Itone]

Thank you!

Of course, the chaos has already started, she's gone "radio silent" all yesterday and this morning, not reachable, so I don't know if she's still coming at the time she said tonight. Whatever. I'm just going to go on with my day and if she shows up, she shows up. So annoying.

[pearlsw]

Hi Lady Itone,

Oh my goodness! Hope she sticks her head up and let's you know what's going on!

Sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing! Just going on and seeing what comes.

Do you have activities planned or is this more of a stay at home visit?

take care, pearl.

[Lady Itone]

SHE DID NOT SHOW UP

I'm blocked on phone and messenger. No emails. I called the house the person who answered just said she wasn't there, they thought she'd taken a Lyft somewhere.

My anxiety levels are unbearable. Tequila is all I can think of to do. I sat in the bus station waiting just in case... .but the bus never came--Was it 15 minutes early? Maybe it's somehow over an hour late? But Greyhound isn't usually, not for such a short trip. And why wouldn't she contact me to tell me? The website's bus tracker isn't helpful, says the bus is scheduled on time, but time has long passed.

She's heartless. Now she's going to just show up at my door and what am I supposed to do? Let her in? Leave her outside?

God, I am just sick. Who does this to another person?

[pearlsw]

Hi Lady Itone,

I am so sorry! That is very hurtful when someone fails to communicate that way.

You reminded of a something... .one of my relatives dated a psychiatrist, a prominent researcher in his field, but someone with mental illness. My relative was always complaining about how unreliable he was - he was often hours late in showing up to times they arranged to be together. She started telling him the wrong times in order to get him to show closer to "on time". All this to say, some people's sense of time and what they are supposed to do to be responsible to others is a bit like a broken clock.

I don't know if she did this all the time with you or this is new.  I also can't help but wonder if she did this to cause you to worry to, in her mind, trigger you to want to care for her? Maybe she thinks that by making you worry you will want her more? I've noticed my SO has done this a bit lately. It is not fun. Well, whatever this is I am sorry it is painful!

Hope you get some news soon about what is going on and that you are both okay!

take care, pearl.

[Lady Itone]

All I know is my stress level right now is unmanageable. I cannot function like this.

I'm having flashbacks to last September when she decided to stay on the island in the dead center of a category 4 hurricane. She refused to evacuate with her housemates, so I stayed with her long after most rational people had left, trying to convince her to come with me, until the last possible second. I finally gave up and decided not to endanger my own life and the life of my pets. I ran out of here like a bat out of hell Friday night 10pm--the storm hit early Sat morning. I didn't hear from her for over a week. I was staying in hotels, and then with friends, on the mainland, unsure if she was alive or dead. Finally, I got a call from a social worker in the psyche ward on the mainland that she was there.

This situation feels the same. My hands shaking, my heart just aching. I don't know if I should be prying for more info from her housemates and contacting her family in case she truly is a "missing person," or if I should just save myself (again) and go totally NC right now and don't look back. Cut this beautiful but toxic thing out of my life forever. I toggle back and forth minute to minute.

I think I will be seeking some sort of emergency therapy session today I am not able to function. Luckily I don't have much work I need to do today, might have to pull it together for a few hours though.

[SunandMoon]

Oh Lady Itone, that's terrible! You must have been so stressed!

Has she shown up yet?

[Lady Itone]

Still no sign of her.

I haven't done any more looking for her, not calling the halfway house, not contacting her family. Nothing. I'm spent. I can't do this anymore.

After she stayed for the hurricane back in September, I spent hours posting "has anybody seen this woman" pics on social media, contacting first responders to try to get someone to go check her address, then when I finally got the call from the social worker, I still had to spend hours on the phone trying to locate her, as the hospital was in chaos from the storm and no one could tell me exactly where she was or what had happened (there was some thought that she was raped, as she was found naked.) Meanwhile, I calmed her family, went and bought her clothes (we were far from home) and brought them to the hospital.   

I can't constantly be in crises mode like this because of her.

If she has been trafficked, I'm going to feel awful for not doing anything to find her.

But she's done this before, just disappeared, and a week later I get a call from the psyche ward. Once, she wandered off while I was at work, without her shoes or i.d. or anything, left my handicapped pet bunny in the yard all by himself. I scrambled to find her, drove the streets, called the hospitals, pestered the psyche ward until they took pity and told me yes, she was there. Of course they aren't supposed to give out that info, but I was pathetic.

I feel like my nervous system has been hijacked. It's awful. I made an appointment to start therapy next week with a therapist who we went to a couple of sessions with together, I want to talk to someone who knows what's up with her and has seen us together. I have got to get out of this relationship, it's burning me out to the ground. 

[pearlsw]

Hi LadyItone,

Sounds like you have a good plan in place! We're here too! Yes, focus on you!

warmly, pearl.

[Lady Itone]

She called from a number I don't recognize, probably the hospital. Here was the conversation:

Her: Hi.
Me: What happened?
Her: I was hospitalized.
Me: Did you get too stressed about moving, or did you do drugs?
Her: Drugs.
Me: Why?
Her: I don't know.
Me: Ok. Thank you for telling me.
Her: Ok.
Me: Bye.
Click.

I've blocked her on messenger and phone, but she can email me if she wants to say anything else.

I started reading a really interesting book called The Burden of Sympathy: How Families Cope with Mental Illness by David A Karp. It's interesting so far, though the writing is dry and academic. It's all about how, why, and where people draw the line between themselves and someone catastrophically mentally ill, and all the factors that go into it (cultural, males vs females, etc.)

So I'm done. For now, perhaps forever. I really just tried to love this poor woman.  

[SunandMoon]

I'm so sorry, Lady Itone 

It must be so frustrating (on top of all the stress and worry) to love someone like this. She was so close to doing something right and... .

Did you get too stressed about moving, or did you do drugs? 

Do you think the real answer is that she got too stressed about moving and so she did drugs?

I totally understand your need to step away from this situation and I'm glad you are going to see a therapist. We're here for you too  x

[Lady Itone]

I'm so sorry, Lady Itone 

It must be so frustrating (on top of all the stress and worry) to love someone like this. She was so close to doing something right and... .

Do you think the real answer is that she got too stressed about moving and so she did drugs?

I totally understand your need to step away from this situation and I'm glad you are going to see a therapist. We're here for you too  x

It must be so frustrating (on top of all the stress and worry) to love someone like this. She was so close to doing something right and... .

Do you think the real answer is that she got too stressed about moving and so she did drugs?

Pretty much every time she does mdma or meth she ends up hospitalized. She starts and can't stop. It is sure act of self sabotage. She knows how it will end.

Maybe she really never will be able to hold a job or live a normal life. I'm 46 years old and need to be with a grownup. I am just heartsick that I have to cut her off.