2 heavy emotional laden texts. will this ever end.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just when I thought it was all over.

In the years together I never intentionally, except once, said anything to her that I knew would upset her.

Last week I sent her a curve ball, in the hope that it would send her a message of "please stay away, I will only just be nasty now, there is no value in Cromwell".

Now a week of not talking (i deleted her number) and her not messaging me I get

"one of the songs we used to play, just came on here at my mates and I just started crying"

second text

"save me"


Yes it has brought out a physiological response, its forced me to try and recall the happy times where that song had significance to try and relate to what she is talking about. Yet it has now been linked to crying and the words "save me".

Id like to think I was this strong veteran survivor, some here have more or less made me out to be cold hearted, an "altruistic narcissist" was the latest label, I tried to relate to it but it doesnt quite fit. Id like to think that I could just shrug these messages off as the melodrama, emotional mind games that they likely are. Truth is, I really just wanted to go to bed early with a cup of warm cocoa and now im being forced to decide what to make out of all this. Should I be the altruistic narcissist and say "oh, thanks I really love how you remembered me in those days, hope your doing alright" or should I just reboil the kettle and keep to my original plan.

shes not drunk or drugged up her grammar is too good for it.

I dont believe she was crying, shes just acting like a cry baby because she wants to get an emotionally enriched response out of me. Even if it would be negative and she could validate that I was the bad person for being nasty to a cry baby. She is testing the waters again. I want to make this post to make people realise that not long ago she would have had a shot-from-the-hip reply and it would have been exactly what I knew she wanted, reciprocated emotion, which just dragged me further into quicksand because it is not actually reciprocated, it is grabbing a bait put on a hook. emotionally investing into emptiness.

My head was spinning as I got those texts and wrote this post. Its not anymore. I never got a text or call in 8 months, I survived that long and heard many songs that invoked an emotional response, yet I didnt have anyone to share that pain with. This board is what "saved me" and its because I came to it, just like every ill person is responsible to find their own medicine.

I guess my question is;. ive tried to be nice ive tried to be nasty. what are these texts about. what do I say (assuming I should replay at all) to make her just

go away! nothing seems to work

[Cromwell]

Just when I thought it was all over.

In the years together I never intentionally, except once, said anything to her that I knew would upset her.

Last week I sent her a curve ball, in the hope that it would send her a message of "please stay away, I will only just be nasty now, there is no value in Cromwell".

Now a week of not talking (i deleted her number) and her not messaging me I get

"one of the songs we used to play, just came on here at my mates and I just started crying"

second text

"save me"


Yes it has brought out a physiological response, its forced me to try and recall the happy times where that song had significance to try and relate to what she is talking about. Yet it has now been linked to crying and the words "save me".

Id like to think I was this strong veteran survivor, some here have more or less made me out to be cold hearted, an "altruistic narcissist" was the latest label, I tried to relate to it but it doesnt quite fit. Id like to think that I could just shrug these messages off as the melodrama, emotional mind games that they likely are. Truth is, I really just wanted to go to bed early with a cup of warm cocoa and now im being forced to decide what to make out of all this. Should I be the altruistic narcissist and say "oh, thanks I really love how you remembered me in those days, hope your doing alright" or should I just reboil the kettle and keep to my original plan.

shes not drunk or drugged up her grammar is too good for it.

I dont believe she was crying, shes just acting like a cry baby because she wants to get an emotionally enriched response out of me. Even if it would be negative and she could validate that I was the bad person for being nasty to a cry baby. She is testing the waters again. I want to make this post to make people realise that not long ago she would have had a shot-from-the-hip reply and it would have been exactly what I knew she wanted, reciprocated emotion, which just dragged me further into quicksand because it is not actually reciprocated, it is grabbing a bait put on a hook. emotionally investing into emptiness.

My head was spinning as I got those texts and wrote this post. Its not anymore. I never got a text or call in 8 months, I survived that long and heard many songs that invoked an emotional response, yet I didnt have anyone to share that pain with. This board is what "saved me" and its because I came to it, just like every ill person is responsible to find their own medicine.

I guess my question is;. ive tried to be nice ive tried to be nasty. what are these texts about. what do I say (assuming I should replay at all) to make her just

go away! nothing seems to work

[uni_all]

what do I say (assuming I should reply at all) to make her just go away! nothing seems to work

I talked with a relationship counselor about this very question. She said that it is perfectly acceptable to communicate with your ex that

"I have discovered some things about myself that I do not like and have decided that I need to work on these things. If I do not respond, do not take offense, as I am choosing to work on myself. Thank you for respecting my decision to work on myself. "

My ex BPD gf went NC for 4 months after I told her that.

The key phrases are "... .If I do not respond, do not take offense... ." and "Thank you for respecting my decision to work on myself. "

[Zemmma]

Cromwell,
I've been there! And let me guess. Hearing from her, as well as stirring up a lot of emotion (perhaps including pain and anger), probably also hit you somewhere as a great relief, somewhere deep within you. Knowing that she is still thinking of you. Reaching out to you.

Sometimes in this situation I have calmed myself by realizing that I don't have to take any action right now at all. You can tell yourself that you don't have to respond right now. Or ever. You can tell yourself that you can respond later. There is no fire. You are broken up, so there is no timeline or urgency. Sometimes just wait. What I find is that over time I may decide that responding is not worth it. What would it accomplish for you? I know silence says something as well, but engaging is the dangerous part for me. And the sending of songs is so compelling! Often a throw back to the "courting" stage of the relationship. It's meant to get you to feel deeply. She wants to affect you. I have been sent so many songs during breakups by mine, even when he was the one who left every time. It's manipulative in a way even if it is coming from a sincere place from within them. They want to set the tone of how you receive their message, they want to guide your thoughts and how you are feeling. How else can one better do this than with music? It reaches deep and connects you to her. It is a great tactic.

What I try to tell myself is, it is over. I try to think of the r/s as something in the past. Then I can love and hate every part of it, and even long for it in ways. But I know it is over and I can't go back. That fact is a hard pill to swallow, but knowing I can't have back the parts I loved helps me know that getting any less (communicating in any way post break-up) is not going to be a great help. It can only hurt. What good will responding do? Will it get you a happy relationship? Will it mend your heart?

You can tell your ex anything you want about "don't contact me" and all of the reasons why this is the healthy choice for you. The problem with that is, she doesn't have to respect it. In my case, my ex is not going to take instruction from me. He may have pride and it might work for a while, but if he wants to text or reach out or send songs or smoke signals, he will. He doesn't play by my rules.

Your response is the only one you can control. She may pop in and out of your life for the rest of your days. It's scary for me to think about this because who knows how vulnerable I might be when he comes back down the line. Life is difficult and this person was important. The way I am looking at it now is, stay away if I can possibly bring myself to do so. Because I remember too clearly the pain of the loss. Its horrible. I have only been out a month, but I know I am feeling a tiny bit better. This will take me literally years to get over but I will try to stay away. She is testing the waters and it makes perfect sense to me that you would be compelled to respond. You want to know she cares. You want to be loved.

Her message may be perfectly sincere. You don't have to question her motives. We don't have to think the feelings we shared were not real. She may love you as much or more than you love her. What I prefer to focus on is that the r/s is in the past and it didn't work. Forget the reasons. It didn't work. It hurt a lot and the relationship was ended by one of you, or both. It's over. And you don't have to do anything right now. Just breathe.

I sit quietly and suffer, but I know I am out. I am free of it and the less I allow him access, the less he can add on new pain. 

[Harley Quinn]

Crom, are you sure you no longer wish to remain in contact with her?  In other words, if you saw her on another bus, would you feel differently or can you stick to it to be fair to both of you and allow the both of you to move on?  If so, I'd suggest a direct approach as uni_all has suggested (I used similar phrasing in my last contact and it was respected for the most part), whilst remembering as Zemmma has shared, that she may not go along with it. 

However at least you will have been clear.  She is likely confused by the fact that you gave her your number and instigated this contact, and testing to see if there is a chance for a recycle either now or down the line.  It's OK to change your mind and decide that this is not what you want.  Tell her, and be sure you're not playing with her feelings or your own.  Be honest with yourself.  That's the hardest thing any of us has to do.

Love and light x

[MyBPD_friend]

Hi Cromwell,
I 'm sorry about what you're going through.

What happened to you is the reason I got a new phone number, just to avoid any attempt contacting me. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done to someone close to me.

[Cromwell]

Thank you all, I didnt get your replies until today but im pleased that I decided not to text until this morning, a huge difference achieved in not responding when emotions were stirred up, something I couldnt do during the r/s because there was a pressure to respond based on her wanting her needs fulfilled at the time. She will know that I read her messages but didnt respond until the next day, that in itself is something she will recognise as a change.

she picked one that was very emotional for me at the time. I semi-lied to say I had almost forgotten it until she mentioned it.

I then gave her a new song recommendation. One that signifies the value of "silence" as its core theme. Hopefully it might buy me some peace and quiet whilst she ruminates over it.  

The give-away in her text was the inclusion of "I was with my friend" and heard the song. Why is this important?

It is not just the song designed to incite an emotional response and her apparent crying about it (2 hooks) it is the inclusion of a third party which when I thought about it more, is superflous to the rest of the message. Still trying to present herself as being popular and therefore, valuable. What is she telling this so called friend when (Assuming true) she cries hearing the song "oh, its about my ex, we still talk".

I really feel it is just the same old triangulation, just even this distant contact is enough for her to still use me as a resource to give the impression that there is no animosity going on between us, if I would have done the stupid thing to start to make moves on her, even better supply to show off with "oh, after all that hes chasing me, would you believe it!" (making out she is so wanted). Its why everything ive done so far has been pragmatically neutral, non-emotional and dispassionate. Nothing to make use of or feed off.

The lyrics of the song she mentioned are very opaque and can essentially be translated into;

2 people having a connection despite obstacles, in the midst of that playing games and in the process losing time on what could be great. It was my way of trying to speak to her at that time how I felt, where the lack of being able to articulate it in my own words.

Thats how I felt at the time, but as zemma says, that was then and things have changed. All it did was affect me for the rest of the night into today and thats all the r/s would consist of me supplying new material, her dredging up the old, thats why I recommended her a new song and told her that one didnt mean much to me anymore. Hopefully if she takes on these things, it will work if I feed her new updated material. Thats what I hope for.

What about something new and positive for the future, "Cromwell, havent seen you in 9 months, want to meet up?"

thats a text im waiting for, not being some repository for her emotional outlets when she feels like it.

Her "crying" could be as much crying for laughter if she had managed to get the response she was looking for. have had that in the past enough to not discount it.

I reckon this is worse than the NC ever was, having the connection but not being in control like she used to be. A nicer ending to the tragedy, Im more than happy to co-author.

I probably shouldnt have responded with my new song recommendation, should have kept to the plan of being asymmetric, like I said this is all testing the waters again, she tried other approaches now using music. I think the best way out of this is to be as boring and incongruent as possible in the replies. The song retaliation is still an indicator that she may have got to me at some level but it helps me to see how sad and attention seeking the person I had once thought so much of actually is, its all good towards validation that I made the right decision to want away from her.

thanks for the suggestions, I still want this contact until it fizzles out, ive realised it is helping long term, once she "clicks" that she is the one being made useful for my benefit, getting nothing in return, that should do the trick towards closure im looking for.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm interested to understand how you're benefiting.  

I guess my question is;. ive tried to be nice ive tried to be nasty. what are these texts about. what do I say (assuming I should replay at all) to make her just
go away! nothing seems to work

Can you help me to see what you're getting out of the contact?  From what I understand you're getting messages that trigger you emotionally and then tailoring responses to be bland and neutral.  Are you aiming to rewrite the ending?  No judgement here - I'm sure the majority of us would like things to have ended differently - just curiosity.

Well done for sleeping on it.

Love and light x

[Cromwell]

I'm interested to understand how you're benefiting.  

Can you help me to see what you're getting out of the contact?  From what I understand you're getting messages that trigger you emotionally and then tailoring responses to be bland and neutral.  Are you aiming to rewrite the ending?  No judgement here - I'm sure the majority of us would like things to have ended differently - just curiosity.

Well done for sleeping on it.

Love and light x

I guess I just dont have the ability to say "f off"

I got emotionally involved to ridiculous levels with her, id like to be able to just brush her off as if she meant nothing, I dislike myself for not being able to. This is about closure though, the NC helped in many ways, but it didnt draw the line under it in a way I could move on like I want to.

I cant get into her mind and say for certain what she does has good intentions or bad ones. The fact is she proved in the past that much of what she did was designed to provoke hurt, so it would be stupid to just think that this is a chance to begin afresh, everyone has changed for the better, commence the fun times. Shes a write-off for me, emotionally, I just want her to slowly fade away without what characterised all her other r/s, big drama and her able to paint them black.

thats why im going the only route that seems left, no-emotional responses that she cant use to validate against me, so far it is working, I got an emotional response but it wasnt that big a deal, like it would have been in the past. That tells me how much ive got stronger and the more of this I get exposed to, its helpful to get even stronger. Shes good at pointing out weakpoints, I want her to keep doing this so I know what needs reinforced, will help me for the future. I dont think theres anything wrong in using her for this. Yet I probably shouldnt be doing it for the reason to show her up that she cant trigger me, I need to get beyond the stage of caring what she thinks. The fact she has highlighted this deficit is a good revelation for me in itself to work on.

[Shawnlam]

I guess I just dont have the ability to say "f off"

I got emotionally involved to ridiculous levels with her, id like to be able to just brush her off as if she meant nothing, I dislike myself for not being able to. This is about closure though, the NC helped in many ways, but it didnt draw the line under it in a way I could move on like I want to.

I cant get into her mind and say for certain what she does has good intentions or bad ones. The fact is she proved in the past that much of what she did was designed to provoke hurt, so it would be stupid to just think that this is a chance to begin afresh, everyone has changed for the better, commence the fun times. Shes a write-off for me, emotionally, I just want her to slowly fade away without what characterised all her other r/s, big drama and her able to paint them black.

thats why im going the only route that seems left, no-emotional responses that she cant use to validate against me, so far it is working, I got an emotional response but it wasnt that big a deal, like it would have been in the past. That tells me how much ive got stronger and the more of this I get exposed to, its helpful to get even stronger. Shes good at pointing out weakpoints, I want her to keep doing this so I know what needs reinforced, will help me for the future. I dont think theres anything wrong in using her for this. Yet I probably shouldnt be doing it for the reason to show her up that she cant trigger me, I need to get beyond the stage of caring what she thinks. The fact she has highlighted this deficit is a good revelation for me in itself to work on.

I think like myself and struggles. Communicating is a bad idea from what I’m reading .Everytime you reach out to her (the bus) and she back to you (the text) stirs you up and you post on here ,which is good to do but the pattern is obvious.Hell your pattern is identical to mine to a T! So I’ve read all your posts ,you are a pretty smart guy ,I’d bet money you know exactly what to do here and that’s cut contact.Yes you deleted her number like I did to mine ,next step is either the suggested text of “I need to work on myself ,and I need the time to do this so I may not respond “, or block her if you must.In your case it’s harder than in mine ,my exGF has a bible thick book of ex’s to play with so I’m forgotten history so I’m clear and free.Yours did give you that freedom until the bus ride incident which kicked the bee’s nest if you will.

Crom I can literally feel the exact thoughts going through your mind right now : the if I block her she’s gone forever,I hate her for doing this to me,I love her and am sad she’s so sick,should I try again with my new found tools , will it look like desperation if I contact her again and she will use this against me etc etc... .To the point of the admin staff here and I will echo it,what is it YOU want and once you pick , your gonna have to commit to it 100% no more ping pong it’s not healthy and it will drive you more insane than the actual toxic relationship.I will use me as an example ,I’ve decided to walk away .Why? Because even with new tools ,learning ,therapy , I want more out of a real relationship than she could ever provide ... .even if I love her to my death ,it can’t and won’t come back my way even to a fraction of what I’d give out.So I said NO shawn,enough flip flopping ,no more texting (couldn’t if I tried I don’t have her number), no more work emails .I even came up with the scenario what happens if I meet her in public by accident? It will be a simply Hi and a walk by.If she comes up to me... .Hi ML nice to see you again,no physical contact whatsoever.Life has to continue for me now ,the more time I waste thinking of her the less time I have with maybe someone else who would appreciate me.End the torture Crom ,end it.

[Harley Quinn]

Crom I can see the logic in what you're saying.  Feelings aren't logical though and, just as my counsellor constantly reminds me I must keep myself safe emotionally, I'm saying the same thing to you.

I know that your months of no contact moved you forwards and perhaps you felt strong enough to have this new dynamic.  NC is not the magic solution to detaching and healing.  We can't go NC and then expect that everything will just fall into place.  There is work to be done on ourselves and that's where the true healing comes from.  NC is like a crutch to create that time and space to do that.  With a little more time working on your healing, you may have come to a different decision when you saw her on the bus.  Maybe not.  This could be an opportunity as you say to learn what you haven't already.  That's also what therapists are good for too though, with far less danger of repercussions to our emotional wellbeing.

Whatever you do I'd encourage you to ask yourself how you will feel if things blow up and end exactly the same way, you're split black and get hurt.  If you can accept this as a possibility and something beyond your control, and are alright with the risk of having to handle those feelings over again, then you're good to proceed as you are.  If not though, think twice about continuing along this path any further.  Only you know how you feel.

Love and light x   

[Cromwell]

You both are right, this isnt strength it is now taking the contact and when I cant deal with it, coming here and it gets dissipated amongst the community.

Its the same battle going on except having some support units. Still getting shot at and hazardous to health all the same.

I think it was good to have this contact to crystallise in my mind that there is nothing worth fighting for, nothing has fundamentally changed. I felt a sense of misplaced guilt for ghosting her, I shouldnt have, it was my right to save my own sanity.

I got over the worst of the hurtful emotions, so whats the point in having someone around to just poke to get them to resurface, thats all I see is happening.

besides, its got to the stage where I am genuinely bored of it all, I dont even need to feign it as a tactic. I guess I wanted to see if id exhausted the extent of the BPD experience progam with her and realised it pretty much is confirmed, she is just showing herself each time as that one trick pony.

It helped to give her that new song - one of silence - to counter baclance the emotionally intensive one she sent. a good opportunity to go with that theme and not reply to her, or even read any of her texts from now on. I keep losing sight of my actual goals each time that I spend having to go through this each time; what I want is a peaceful happy life and she is just reaffirming to me that she is a spanner in the work towards achieving this.

Thanks family for helping me towards figuring this out for myself.

[Harley Quinn]

The conclusions we come to ourselves are the ones that stick.  Good on you for thinking it over.   

Love and light x