Mother w/BPD: seeking some level of control to avoid explosive situations.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,

Greetings.
I'm a adult male living in India.
I have just recently been introduced to the BPD. After reading through the available literature, I found many similarities in BPD behavioral patterns with those of my mother. My continued search for answers has now led me here. Before I go further on to describe my mothers behavioral pattern, I must add that:

1) my primary reference to BPD patterns is: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2013/11/29/1251025/-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Heroic-Martyr-or-Emotional-Vampire
2) I have found some varying opinions about BPD symptoms from different sources.
3) Not all symptoms fit.
4) My mother had a stable employment as a nurse.

So here it begins:
My life under my mother has been troublesome to say the least, her behavior as a spouse, and a mother has always been at odds with the observed norms of society. The most frustrating part, would be her fits of rage that are utterly unpredictable and her pursuit of logically incoherent arguments. My family has tried over and over to deconstruct her arguments logically, but have failed to make any progress at all. More over, there has always been a glooming sense of helpless in my family (father,sister & me) due to the complete lack of control we have over such situations. By her unreasonableness, she takes full control over situations, and there are few boundaries she isn't willing to cross.

So coming to specific behavioral traits that I have known to exist all my life (25 yrs approx).

a) My mother did have some father issues, her father (I have not met him) had fostered another family, other than her own, and this came to light at around the time when my mother was born. My mother doesn't talk much about him. She has never talked/indicated (atleast to me) that she is troubled by father abandonment issues.

b) She has always had the tendency to bring up fights specifically against my farther, most fights have a grain of truth, but by and large they were either ridiculous or turned out to be false. She constantly views my father with suspicion,and has accused him of a number of crimes. Her fights occur at intervals of months and can on for about a weeks duration.

c) She has accused my father of being a drunkard, of being addicted and thereby having mental problems, of being physically abusive, of constant lying, of stealing things, and much much more.
Her common arguments were, that my fathers family has mistreated her, and this was such a long standing argument and me and my sister just assumed this is where it all began.
As me and my sister have grown old, her accusations have also been directed to towards us.

d) She does tend to want to be heard a lot, frequently calls family member and friends to talk about her suffering, how much of a victim she is. This in turn means, that her friends initially console, then they try to reason, but my mother being the emotional vampire she is, eventually drains the people of their possibility and her friends frequently loose interest. So she is constantly in search for new family member/friends to share her experiences with. On average she can spends 3-4 hours constantly on phone calls everyday.

e) she frequently accuses my father being psychotic, and has occasional extended it to her childern also.

Now, there are some BPD behavior tendencies that she doesn't exhibit, like suicidal threats or self mutilation, could this be because she simply doesn't feel guilty ?

My mother is over 60 years of age, and she has worn us down quite a lot. I dont think, my family wants a cure, we have given up, and at best what I would want is to find and optimum way to deal with my mother. To be able to understand, her thought process and thereby predict situation before hand. In short, just gaining some level of control so we can steer away from possible explosive situations.

So there you have it. I love to hear your comments.
Thanks

[HopeForHelp]

Hi,

Greetings.
I'm a adult male living in India.
I have just recently been introduced to the BPD. After reading through the available literature, I found many similarities in BPD behavioral patterns with those of my mother. My continued search for answers has now led me here. Before I go further on to describe my mothers behavioral pattern, I must add that:

1) my primary reference to BPD patterns is: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2013/11/29/1251025/-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Heroic-Martyr-or-Emotional-Vampire
2) I have found some varying opinions about BPD symptoms from different sources.
3) Not all symptoms fit.
4) My mother had a stable employment as a nurse.

So here it begins:
My life under my mother has been troublesome to say the least, her behavior as a spouse, and a mother has always been at odds with the observed norms of society. The most frustrating part, would be her fits of rage that are utterly unpredictable and her pursuit of logically incoherent arguments. My family has tried over and over to deconstruct her arguments logically, but have failed to make any progress at all. More over, there has always been a glooming sense of helpless in my family (father,sister & me) due to the complete lack of control we have over such situations. By her unreasonableness, she takes full control over situations, and there are few boundaries she isn't willing to cross.

So coming to specific behavioral traits that I have known to exist all my life (25 yrs approx).

a) My mother did have some father issues, her father (I have not met him) had fostered another family, other than her own, and this came to light at around the time when my mother was born. My mother doesn't talk much about him. She has never talked/indicated (atleast to me) that she is troubled by father abandonment issues.

b) She has always had the tendency to bring up fights specifically against my farther, most fights have a grain of truth, but by and large they were either ridiculous or turned out to be false. She constantly views my father with suspicion,and has accused him of a number of crimes. Her fights occur at intervals of months and can on for about a weeks duration.

c) She has accused my father of being a drunkard, of being addicted and thereby having mental problems, of being physically abusive, of constant lying, of stealing things, and much much more.
Her common arguments were, that my fathers family has mistreated her, and this was such a long standing argument and me and my sister just assumed this is where it all began.
As me and my sister have grown old, her accusations have also been directed to towards us.

d) She does tend to want to be heard a lot, frequently calls family member and friends to talk about her suffering, how much of a victim she is. This in turn means, that her friends initially console, then they try to reason, but my mother being the emotional vampire she is, eventually drains the people of their possibility and her friends frequently loose interest. So she is constantly in search for new family member/friends to share her experiences with. On average she can spends 3-4 hours constantly on phone calls everyday.

e) she frequently accuses my father being psychotic, and has occasional extended it to her childern also.

Now, there are some BPD behavior tendencies that she doesn't exhibit, like suicidal threats or self mutilation, could this be because she simply doesn't feel guilty ?

My mother is over 60 years of age, and she has worn us down quite a lot. I dont think, my family wants a cure, we have given up, and at best what I would want is to find and optimum way to deal with my mother. To be able to understand, her thought process and thereby predict situation before hand. In short, just gaining some level of control so we can steer away from possible explosive situations.

So there you have it. I love to hear your comments.
Thanks

[Harley Quinn]

Hi HopeForHelp,

Welcome to the site.  You're in the right place for reliable information and support, so I'm glad you found us.  I'd encourage you to read the articles and lessons on this page, as that's a great place to start arming yourself with knowledge that can be trusted.  Unfortunately there is a lot of 'urban myth' out there, and the resources here are from reliable sources.  You'll find there are a lot of others here who can relate to your situation too, so keep posting.

She has always had the tendency to bring up fights specifically against my farther, most fights have a grain of truth, but by and large they were either ridiculous or turned out to be false. She constantly views my father with suspicion,and has accused him of a number of crimes. Her fights occur at intervals of months and can on for about a weeks duration.

Can you give us an example of a fight that had a grain of truth but turned out to be false?  Just so we can understand better what the behaviour is like for your family.

She has accused my father of being a drunkard, of being addicted and thereby having mental problems, of being physically abusive, of constant lying, of stealing things, and much much more.
Her common arguments were, that my fathers family has mistreated her, and this was such a long standing argument and me and my sister just assumed this is where it all began.
As me and my sister have grown old, her accusations have also been directed to towards us.

Similarly, is there a chance there are any grains of truth in the accusations?  Are you aware of evidence to the contrary?  What sorts of things have you been accused of?

Naturally, we cannot diagnose here, but I'm sure that you will receive a lot of support in working with the type of behaviour you are experiencing.  One piece of advice I will offer is that the only people we can control are ourselves and our own reactions to the behaviour.  Bearing this in mind is a good place to begin in thinking about how we can better handle situations that arise and how to safeguard ourselves from impact as much as possible. 

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Love and light x

[Panda39]

Hi HopeforHelp,

I'd like to join HarleyQuinn and  say welcome

I'm sorry you are experiencing such a tough time with your mom.  We can't diagnose her here but I can certainly recognize some BPD behaviors from your description. If you read the posts of other members I'm sure you will hear how much we all have in common, in terms of the behaviors we see.   I'm on these boards because of my significant other's (SO's) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) I found BPD by Googling "Chronic Lying" and the shoe fit.

I started my journey by reading... .I read everything my local library had on BPD it gave me a good grounding in what BPD is, it wasn't until later I found my way here.

Since you are new to BPD I wanted to suggest a few books if your interested... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr, M.A.

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson
 

My life under my mother has been troublesome to say the least, her behavior as a spouse, and a mother has always been at odds with the observed norms of society. The most frustrating part, would be her fits of rage that are utterly unpredictable and her pursuit of logically incoherent arguments. My family has tried over and over to deconstruct her arguments logically, but have failed to make any progress at all. More over, here has always been a glooming sense of helpless in my family (father,sister & me) due to the complete lack of control we have over such situations.

For people with BPD feelings often equal facts... .making trying to logically discuss something very difficult.  Validating her feelings (not bad behavior) and trying to use a different communication style like SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) may be more effective.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124001.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

Before I go I also want to point out the box to the right ---> Each item is a link to more information, you might want to check out the "Lessons" section when you have the chance.

I'm glad you've found us and have decided to jump in.  I have found this a great site for support, tools, ideas and just a place to vent when I've needed to and know you will too.

Take Care, 
Panda39


 

[HopeForHelp]

Hi HopeForHelp,

Can you give us an example of a fight that had a grain of truth but turned out to be false?  Just so we can understand better what the behavior is like for your family.

My mother had on a couple of occasions, accused my father of stealing things and giving to others. Things that are quite worthless. In fact some of these things belonged to my father. Though I don't have any evidence, I can concede, that as a worst case scenario this may have possibly happened. The point is she literally fought over this for years, and still brings up some specific incidents that happened 25 years ago.

A few years back she accused my father stealing some valuable jewelry, this went quite far, the cops were involved, even I was suspected. After that father decided to move to a different town, and a few months later she found the jewelry.

Many of her initial arguments were with her in laws how they have mistreated her, and some related hypothetical property issues (which turned out to be false). As I have grew up, I have come interacted with all the accused people and I have known them to average or even nice individuals. I know it might be possible that they may have mistreated her, but again I simply don't see things to be as worse as she makes them sound.
On a recent family member funeral, where all our family including the in laws had gathered, my mother would jump in to their conversations with accusations of mistreatment, she has absolutely no restraint.

There have been more arguments, most of them are true but too silly to list here, I can remember a whole week of fights going on because i bought the wrong dimension camera film (happened when I was young, the older cameras used to have 35 mm film, I bought one that worked, but the label read 36mm)

Similarly, is there a chance there are any grains of truth in the accusations?  Are you aware of evidence to the contrary?  What sorts of things have you been accused of?

Yes, there are some truths in them as well, my father did use to drink. But I have never known him to be a alcoholic, or even heard such an opinion of him. He has been sober of over 5-6 years (not even socially).

About the physical abuse, I can remember of one occasion it happened. But to me, the fact that there in only one incident is more a proof of his restraint than anything else. And to be fair, my mother has been in general more physically abusive. She has "Bit" my father on occasion and also bit me (I was 17 I think).

Everyone in my town and in my father's firm has the utmost respect for him. I have always known him to be even tempered (which i am not fond of at all, certain situations demand a forceful reaction). I believe he should never have put up with this for so long. He takes care of the all the household financial requirements, even cooks for mom and does all the household chores.

What gives my mother's arguments, credence, is the dedication and unwavering spirit that she puts into these sessions of fights. Her typical style in these fight sessions would be, a constant stream of accusations of how she'd been wrong, how she deserves respect, how no one can outsmart her... .and the thing I want to highlight is that she can do this in a stretch for hours, like non stop. She doesn't even take the trouble of saying these things in front of dad, she would lie in her bed in her room and just stream of her rants to the whole house, till she falls sleep. Next day I would woken in the morning,  by her continued ranting. This would go on for 4-5 days.

When my dad/us relocated, she would call us and repeat the same "streaming of rants" pattern. We could just leave the phone on a desk, and keep the call going, and she would still go on for hours oblivious to the fact that no one is hearing on the other end.

The situation now is much better than it was when I was young. My sister and me have moved to different cities, I'm pursuing my PHD and my sister is married with a kid. Mom is still a part of our family and lives with dad (my dad ensured that they have separate lockers), and her abusive actions are toned down, it still happens.

[/quote]

[Harley Quinn]

It has to be hard growing up in that kind of environment.  I feel for you.  From what you're saying, it sounds like yourself and your sister have a lot less contact with her now, at least face to face?  What would you say your biggest difficulty is when you speak to or spend time with your mother?

When I first arrived on these boards, the very first thing I did was to read everything I could find about how to improve the communication in my r/s with my partner.  Your mother is not going to suddenly change, that's a fact.  However, the way that your family relate to her can change.  By learning new ways to end cycles of conflict and reduce the tension it is possible for you to have a better r/s with her and she may begin to follow your lead.  How does that sound to you?

Love and light x