did the emotion of guilt ever play a part in the decision to stop you leaving

[Cromwell]

Something that has caused a great deal of turmoil for me is this feeling of guilt of detaching from my ex. I couldnt pinpoint exactly why, except to feel that I was leaving someone vulnerable.

Ive came across Freuds theory on "survivor guilt"

is a mental condition that occurs when a person believes they have done something wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not. It may be found among survivors of murder, terrorism, combat, natural disasters, epidemics, among the friends and family of those who have died by suicide, and in non-mortal situations. The experience and manifestation of survivor's guilt will depend on an individual's psychological profile. When the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV (DSM-IV) was published, survivor guilt was removed as a recognized specific diagnosis, and redefined as a significant symptom of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Survivor_guilt

I wonder if anyone can relate to this, or if im reading into something more than it is. There is a great sense I have of feeling that despite what I went through, I can continue my life better without her but more to the fact, I feel a lack of confidence that she is able to do the same. It was part of the enmeshment, I suppose getting texts recently such as "save me" and there was quite a theme going on during the r/s of her seeing me as a protector and savior. Even if this was manipulated, it doesnt alter the feeling I have of having survived this and feeling guilty for doing so by leaving her to cope without me. It probably explains a sense of relief I got from re-establishing contact and at least being able to get some updates on how her life is going.

Anyone relate to this at all? even if you dont feel subscribe directly to this theory, did the emotion of guilt ever play a part in the decision to stop you leaving

[Shawnlam]

I did at first for awhile only to have that slowly fade completely to be honest.I would have retained the survivor guilt if I had not offered or attempted to fix the problem with her.But when you and the other survivor or in the same row boat nice and safe and she jumps back into the icy water to swim to the next sinking ship ,said guilt fades and instead is replaced by confusion and somewhat regretful fatigue of having used the energy to piggy back an additional person with you the whole time only to realize they never wanted to be there.

[Wicker Man]

except to feel that I was leaving someone vulnerable.

Remember the lifeguard quote from weeks ago?

Could things have worked out? ... .maybe.  Could you have 'saved' her? ... .maybe There are innumerable possibilities, but from what you described she was bringing out the worst in you and making you feel badly about yourself.

Do I feel guilty for leaving ':)ream Come True'?  I can say quickly and honestly -no.  Do I feel great pity for her?  I can say equally as quickly and honestly -yes.  Her life will likely continue to be as tragic as it began -but I could not have changed her destiny -she like that word, which is why I use it here.

If I had stayed with ':)ream Come True' until I had been completely and utterly consumed would her life have been better?  Temporarily -yes. Ultimately, very likely -no. 

"Man—every man—is an end in himself, not a means to the ends of others; he must live for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to others nor sacrificing others to himself; he must work for his rational self-interest, with the achievement of his own happiness as the highest moral purpose of his life." --Ayn Rand

This is worthy of note.  I took Rand's philosophy to mean in order to be ready for big love one must be able to say 'I' and truly on a root level accept, understand and believe in the concept. 

If you can't say 'I' the statement 'I love you' is a lie, false at best and dangerous in the worst case.  This was the case for ':)ream Come True' she lacks a sense of self she has very little 'I' to offer.  She didn't bring a lot to the table when it came down to real love.  How could she love me when she hated herself?  Catch 22 -by loving her I was mortally flawed in her mind.

You had 3 years with this woman and things went from bad to completely untenable.  I was forced into a snapshot decision -but I stand by my decision and find no guilt in my self interest -the interest in not consigning myself to immolation.  Selfish is not evil -it is imperative to have self interest.

Perhaps you should slog though Atlas Shrugged and leave Dune for another time.  Rand's views are as hard as steel, but perhaps it might be what you need right now.


Wicker Man

[zachira]

I think when the guilt we feel for not being able to be with a person we had once planned to support no matter what can be eventually replaced by compassion for ourselves and our ex. The people that I know who have the best self esteem usually have compassion for people who behave badly yet they have good emotional boundaries and do not take the bad behavior as anything personal.