Story of my mental break, hi

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone. I've been posting for some time on another board.
But was directed here for some good advice and kindness.

I have played this story out in my head so many times!
I still don't see all of the problems and I think the fault lies with us all.

So I guess I'll start from when my husband and I got together.  I didn't know anything about BPD and have never experienced anything like it until him. We moved Really fast. Like one month til we decided to live together and we wanted a family.
It was like we'd hit the lotto, deeply in love, wanted exactly the same things.
My mom has always been nosey and a lot over protective. But decent relationship. Talked or text and visits once a week to her place, and when she watched the kids.

Firstly, she was upset with me because I didn't consult her before I made the choice to be with now husband. The first meeting with the two, he told a joke and she cut him down. Saying she didn't like that sort of comedy.
 And up until this point in my kids lives, she had been their only babysitter. She refused to watch them anymore once we move in together. She told me" if he's going to be a part of your family he needs to help you. " he was working a full-time job and has a son of his own.  
So she calls me about 3 months after we moved in together, June maybe.
Tells me she had clothes for the kids. She knew I also had his son. Tells me come over all of you and see/ pick up what I got.
I go in while husband and kids stay outside. Look through the clothes, tell her it's nice and thank you all the good stuff.
... .she didn't get anything for my step son. So I tell her you know that's messed up, he won't get anythi mg. Just keep it here and I'll get it for them later.
Come out and husband immediately says she didn't get sh!t for son did she? I said no but she said she was going to and we'll get it all together when she does.
And so we talk about how I wouldn't do that to step son because it isn't fair and so on.

Jump to birthday, husband sets up a lunch date for me, my mom and best friend. Pays for it and surprises me. He doesn't want to hang out with them, doesn't like them but wants me to hang out for a little while.
Beginning of December ... .I found out I was pregnant. I sent a message to mom and mother in law. It wouldn't send as a group so I sent it individually... .Message back from mom is... Why did I get a forwarded message. "  then congratulations.
Jump to Christmas, first Christmas without his son. And first for us. We were going to spend Christmas day at the house.
This breaks my 30some year tradition as I've always spent it with family.
I went to Christmas eve dinner with all the same family, but was bashed by mom saying that I shouldn't have come because I didn't spend enough time there and she couldn't believe I was staying home. I told her she was welcome to come visit and open presents on Christmas day but that's what him and I decided to do.
She did come over and open presents.
Husband flips out on me and we have the worst Christmas day. I didn't spend enough time with him either and he couldn't believe I stayed at Xmas eve dinner so long.
I thought f you both. Geez. Can't please anyone.

Alright and here comes the new year. Oh yay!
First week in January both of us work fulltime. My kids were 7 and 9. We lived in the country.
They'd get off the bus and if I wasn't home or husband they had rules... Lock the door. No cookimg. Get a snack. Do homework.
They behaved for the most part.
And one of us would be home within an hour or so. No babysitter at this point.
Mom shows up at my place on a day when husband was getting them. She messaged me was anyone home?( She was at my house when she asked this so it felt deceitful to me)
ANnyhow. I tell her he just got off work and was on the way. But if she had them he could go get his son first. She responds okay I'll take them to the store.

I tell husband to get his son first, she has mine. He gets there and his description is she speed off and didn't speak to him.

She messaged me later that night that... .".he took too long and should of come home to pick my kids up before his son. "
 
Who was also alone and in sitting outside waiting to be picked up.
I told her he had driven to his son and directly home, as it takes X amount of time from a to b.
 She retorts with my kids should come first and so on.

I told her to mind her own business and not to worry about my kids after school from then on, we had it covered.
The tempers are blazing now!
Husband chimes in texting her. They go back and forth... Nasty words, the whole shebang.
I tell both to please stop. Let it go, cool off. Try to calm it down. I get it from both sides but he also tells me that basically if I'm not with him I'm against him and he's blowing up on me, same with her.
Mom is freaking out he called me this and he called me that. Then turns on me. "You're nothing but a mistress. You better get your stuff together or I will call the child services on you. I better never see them alone for one second. I'll have them taken from you. I can prove you're an unfit mother... ."

I end it there. I went off on her. Anne blocked her.

AND all of this was WORDs spoken in anger. Things could have blown over. In a day/week/month whatever.

HOWEVER... .
MOM shows up at my house to see if my kids are alone. Follows us around.stalks is for days. She has lunch at my work, tells my boss I'm being beaten and brainwashed. She posted it all over facebook. She blasts husband as a woman beater. Contacts his ex to ask her questions and tell her I'm pregnant. She talked to my entire family having them call excessively. She continues this until I file a restraining order.
I didn't follow through with pressing charges I just wanted her to lay off.

Over the course of 4 months she made my life a living h e double hockey sticks.
Caused me and husband to quit and lose our jobs.
Totally lost her mind. And I wouldn't speak to her at all. This causes me to cut off each and every family member.
Some of me and my family had separate issues keeping me away. They were allowing my ex to come to their house while he was in drugs and being verbal about his feelings towards me in front of my kids...

I think this is the straw that broke my back. Dealing with husband and making everything worse as our relationship headed towards this.
I totally lost my mind. depression major. I would sit and cry my entire pregnancy and wanted to kill myself. If I hadn't been pregnant at the time I think I would have taken my life.  
I am trying to get better. See what it is that tore me apart and heal.
I was not pleasant to husband during this, to say the least. I said every wrong thing you can imagine. We fought non-stop for a solid two months.
He lost his mind at this time too. He was in a bad spot besides dealing with me and this crap. And he has been spiraling since.

So it's been 3 years since I've spoke to my family, slowly getting in touch from the least involved to the most. Basically at this point I am still no longer talking to my mom.

Most of my family has never met my youngest son.

I want contact but I'm scared of her and him.

My kids dad is sober and involved in their life and is getting them this summer. I'm terrified.
Oh... .she even contacted my ex to try and have him take the kids from me and to beat up my husband.
He didn't participate in it thankfully.


My husband, told me many times he couldn't be with me if I had a relationship with her. And I am scared while my kids are with their dad, my mom will try to persuade him to keep the kids.


Any suggestions, opinions , advice on the past fight and the present situation?
 If you've made it this far thank you that was alot !

[Catlady3.14]

Hi everyone. I've been posting for some time on another board.
But was directed here for some good advice and kindness.

I have played this story out in my head so many times!
I still don't see all of the problems and I think the fault lies with us all.

So I guess I'll start from when my husband and I got together.  I didn't know anything about BPD and have never experienced anything like it until him. We moved Really fast. Like one month til we decided to live together and we wanted a family.
It was like we'd hit the lotto, deeply in love, wanted exactly the same things.
My mom has always been nosey and a lot over protective. But decent relationship. Talked or text and visits once a week to her place, and when she watched the kids.

Firstly, she was upset with me because I didn't consult her before I made the choice to be with now husband. The first meeting with the two, he told a joke and she cut him down. Saying she didn't like that sort of comedy.
 And up until this point in my kids lives, she had been their only babysitter. She refused to watch them anymore once we move in together. She told me" if he's going to be a part of your family he needs to help you. " he was working a full-time job and has a son of his own.  
So she calls me about 3 months after we moved in together, June maybe.
Tells me she had clothes for the kids. She knew I also had his son. Tells me come over all of you and see/ pick up what I got.
I go in while husband and kids stay outside. Look through the clothes, tell her it's nice and thank you all the good stuff.
... .she didn't get anything for my step son. So I tell her you know that's messed up, he won't get anythi mg. Just keep it here and I'll get it for them later.
Come out and husband immediately says she didn't get sh!t for son did she? I said no but she said she was going to and we'll get it all together when she does.
And so we talk about how I wouldn't do that to step son because it isn't fair and so on.

Jump to birthday, husband sets up a lunch date for me, my mom and best friend. Pays for it and surprises me. He doesn't want to hang out with them, doesn't like them but wants me to hang out for a little while.
Beginning of December ... .I found out I was pregnant. I sent a message to mom and mother in law. It wouldn't send as a group so I sent it individually... .Message back from mom is... Why did I get a forwarded message. "  then congratulations.
Jump to Christmas, first Christmas without his son. And first for us. We were going to spend Christmas day at the house.
This breaks my 30some year tradition as I've always spent it with family.
I went to Christmas eve dinner with all the same family, but was bashed by mom saying that I shouldn't have come because I didn't spend enough time there and she couldn't believe I was staying home. I told her she was welcome to come visit and open presents on Christmas day but that's what him and I decided to do.
She did come over and open presents.
Husband flips out on me and we have the worst Christmas day. I didn't spend enough time with him either and he couldn't believe I stayed at Xmas eve dinner so long.
I thought f you both. Geez. Can't please anyone.

Alright and here comes the new year. Oh yay!
First week in January both of us work fulltime. My kids were 7 and 9. We lived in the country.
They'd get off the bus and if I wasn't home or husband they had rules... Lock the door. No cookimg. Get a snack. Do homework.
They behaved for the most part.
And one of us would be home within an hour or so. No babysitter at this point.
Mom shows up at my place on a day when husband was getting them. She messaged me was anyone home?( She was at my house when she asked this so it felt deceitful to me)
ANnyhow. I tell her he just got off work and was on the way. But if she had them he could go get his son first. She responds okay I'll take them to the store.

I tell husband to get his son first, she has mine. He gets there and his description is she speed off and didn't speak to him.

She messaged me later that night that... .".he took too long and should of come home to pick my kids up before his son. "
 
Who was also alone and in sitting outside waiting to be picked up.
I told her he had driven to his son and directly home, as it takes X amount of time from a to b.
 She retorts with my kids should come first and so on.

I told her to mind her own business and not to worry about my kids after school from then on, we had it covered.
The tempers are blazing now!
Husband chimes in texting her. They go back and forth... Nasty words, the whole shebang.
I tell both to please stop. Let it go, cool off. Try to calm it down. I get it from both sides but he also tells me that basically if I'm not with him I'm against him and he's blowing up on me, same with her.
Mom is freaking out he called me this and he called me that. Then turns on me. "You're nothing but a mistress. You better get your stuff together or I will call the child services on you. I better never see them alone for one second. I'll have them taken from you. I can prove you're an unfit mother... ."

I end it there. I went off on her. Anne blocked her.

AND all of this was WORDs spoken in anger. Things could have blown over. In a day/week/month whatever.

HOWEVER... .
MOM shows up at my house to see if my kids are alone. Follows us around.stalks is for days. She has lunch at my work, tells my boss I'm being beaten and brainwashed. She posted it all over facebook. She blasts husband as a woman beater. Contacts his ex to ask her questions and tell her I'm pregnant. She talked to my entire family having them call excessively. She continues this until I file a restraining order.
I didn't follow through with pressing charges I just wanted her to lay off.

Over the course of 4 months she made my life a living h e double hockey sticks.
Caused me and husband to quit and lose our jobs.
Totally lost her mind. And I wouldn't speak to her at all. This causes me to cut off each and every family member.
Some of me and my family had separate issues keeping me away. They were allowing my ex to come to their house while he was in drugs and being verbal about his feelings towards me in front of my kids...

I think this is the straw that broke my back. Dealing with husband and making everything worse as our relationship headed towards this.
I totally lost my mind. depression major. I would sit and cry my entire pregnancy and wanted to kill myself. If I hadn't been pregnant at the time I think I would have taken my life.  
I am trying to get better. See what it is that tore me apart and heal.
I was not pleasant to husband during this, to say the least. I said every wrong thing you can imagine. We fought non-stop for a solid two months.
He lost his mind at this time too. He was in a bad spot besides dealing with me and this crap. And he has been spiraling since.

So it's been 3 years since I've spoke to my family, slowly getting in touch from the least involved to the most. Basically at this point I am still no longer talking to my mom.

Most of my family has never met my youngest son.

I want contact but I'm scared of her and him.

My kids dad is sober and involved in their life and is getting them this summer. I'm terrified.
Oh... .she even contacted my ex to try and have him take the kids from me and to beat up my husband.
He didn't participate in it thankfully.


My husband, told me many times he couldn't be with me if I had a relationship with her. And I am scared while my kids are with their dad, my mom will try to persuade him to keep the kids.


Any suggestions, opinions , advice on the past fight and the present situation?
 If you've made it this far thank you that was alot !

[Turkish]

Oh... .she even contacted my ex to try and have him take the kids from me and to beat up my husband.

I'd be scared of her since that is criminal behavior, not to mention threatening to have CPS take your kids.  

Who is the "him" you spoke of being scared of?

Most of my family has never met my youngest son.

I want contact but I'm scared of her and him.

For what it's worth,  how you and your husband raise your children is none of your mom's business, especially your stepson.  

I heard second hand after my mom left my home that my mom told her neighbor "frenemy" (long story) that my mom told her that CPS wouldn't like that [then S6 and D4] were sleeping in the same room."

I'll tolerate a lot,  but threaten my kids? No way in hell!

It would be nice to have grandma in their lives,  but first and foremost,  protect your three kids. 

[Catlady3.14]

 The him I mention being scared of is my husband.( uBPD) idk if I mentioned that.
Him and I have had such a rough relationship. It's good when it's good and a train wreck when it's bad. Hers never been physically abusive. I'm just tired of fighting.
He doesn't want me to have contact and I think it is time for my kids and me to have some of our family back.
This fight with mom left him completely lost and I think he really lost his mind dealing with the blow up with my mom.
And then the fights him and I had after.

Threatening my kids was the only thing she could have ever done to make me cut contact with her like this. when she said all this it hurt but then she followed through with all of that.
She was a good mom and she was a friend . We had a good relationship. That's why this hurt so much.

We haven't spoken in 3 years!

My kids are going with their dad this summer. Out of state.
 He is sober and in a good spot now and being active in the kids lives. It's been great for them.
Do I talk to him about this? Can I ask him not to let her see them or have them? How exactly do I say this?

How do I protect my kids when they aren't with me?
She will seek them out. No doubt. And my kids want to see the rest of my family while they are there.

[Catlady3.14]

also Thank you Turkish.

My brother and sister won't talk to me and when they do its... .why are you hurting her like this, she loves you and all the guilt trip they can lay on. And anger because I've missed so much of their lives.
And I want them in my life so much but they don't understand that she really did all this.

And after the four months she had stirred so many people with her story... .we were on a community watch list. I know this because a friend of mine was in the group.
People would watch us in the stores follow us driving. And treated us so different .
Husband reacted to it badly too. Flipping people off, and being confrontational. Which caused even more drama in our little country town of maybe 4000 people. Everyone is related or knows one another. So we moved 800 miles in another direction to start over.
He still to this day freaks out and panics if he thinks someone is looking at him or a car follows us close or too far away. He couldnt keep his job because of her rumors. We ended up foreclosing our home( which was my house before we were together) he beats himself up about that.
Our wholwe life was in ruins. We got out of there with a settlement check ... 800$ We left with a uhaul, enough gas to get here and our kids and animals. We lost our cars, homes, jobs, friends, family, you name it.
And we told NO ONE. Just dropped off the map for a while. It's been hard.

[Harri]

Hi Catlady!  It is good to see you here.  We can all relate to having a difficult relationship with a family member.  Many of us have mothers with BPD or BPD traits or another disorder.  My T and I believe my mother was Schizophrenic with paranoia and at least had BPD traits.  Regardless of the disorder, the tools and coping skills offered her can help a great deal.

You mentioned that your mom is BiPolar but that your relationship was close and good prior to the incidents that you relayed here.   How was she when you were growing up?  Was she exhibiting control  emotionally threatening (for ex. the threats about CPS and your kids)  behaviors then too, tho to  lesser extent?  I am asking because generally the people we get involved with as adults are similar, emotionally, to our parents/caregivers.  They may not have exactly the same behaviors but some of the same issues may be present. 

It is unfortunate that your mother acted in ways that made it impossible for you to continue a relationship with her.  I know that hurts.  On top of that you lost contact with other family members as well. 

My brother and sister won't talk to me and when they do its... .why are you hurting her like this, she loves you and all the guilt trip they can lay on. And anger because I've missed so much of their lives.
And I want them in my life so much but they don't understand that she really did all this.

Unfortunately we hear that a lot.  Other family members get angry with the person who has to say no, set limits, break contact.  Often it is because they are caught up in the family dynamics which are thrown off when a person stops playing their role (you) and changing things.  They push back for everything to go back to 'normal' even if it is not healthy.  Pleasing mom and keeping her happy is another common theme here.  I can't say that what is going on in your family is the same as what so many of us have experienced but there seems to be certain common characteristics.  What do you think?

What your mother did to discredit you and your husband was mean and uncalled for.  It must have been so hard to pack up and leave so suddenly too, basically leaving everything behind.  I am sorry you had to experience that.  I am also sorry that your husband reacted in a way that only confirmed the peoples beliefs. 

You are in a difficult situation yet I have seen you make a great deal of progress.  You are very strong to be able to handle so much for so long.  I hope you continue to post here and on the other board.  I was slow responding to this and I am sorry for that though I am very glad to see you here.  If you want to explore more of your family situation, we can help you with that.

Talk to you soon.

[Catlady3.14]

Thank you Harri it has been so hard. My grandmother has cancer stage four. She is on experimental drugs which seem to be helping but I haven't seen her in 4 years. It's devastating. I want to see her before she dies. It breaks my heart. She never played a part in the drama, just lived with people who did.

I was getting discouraged. I have no therapist or friends and it's hard to sift through so much alone.
I'm better today yesterday was an emotional day though.

My mother was always nosey. Go through my things when I was a child and teen. tried to when I was an adult.
She and I talked a lot and were pretty close. But she was pissed at me when husband and I got together. Because I didn't talk to her about him. I didn't ask permission and her opinion.  I was 29, owned my own home, worked, paid my bills. All grown up.
She cut me off from helping me with my kids
She was, up until that point, their only babysitter ever. She told me ... If he is going to be a part of your family he needs to help you with the kids.
My mom goes through highs and lows she would get an idea and go full force. I think she started like 4 business separate times. Bought everythi mg she needed once it was a concession trailer stand. For fairs and carnivals. She bought all the food and products to start i. ShE's traveled out of state on a whim to purchase equipment.
 then she decided it wasnt good enough so she gutted the entire trailer and then it sat for years as a storage place. Probably threw away 6/7 thousand. On this.

She did this alot. She'd go through the house once a year and trash every thing. Just throw away. Toys, furniture, curtains, personal items she deemed old. It wasn't just her things, all of our stuff. She'd go through my dad's tools, hunting stuff. etc.

We'd come home and she would have decide that day she wanted new kitchen counters , so she would have ripped the tops off to start the process. Then not finish.
Just silly things. No sense. Just an idea and then doing it with no thought.
They made good money not great but 50k a year and they were always broke.

Then she would lay in bed for weeks on end not able to cook clean shower. She would say it was pain but it was always a mental pain.  I believe.
Yes, I believe it could be similar to others here in ways.  enmeshed to closely.  And the drama triangle with me mom and husband.

I would like advice on how to protect my kids while they are with their dad? What should I say to them. They know the truth of what happened. I try to be as honest as I can with them.

I spoke with both my sister and brother. And they have questions so I have been answering as long as they are open to hear my side of things. So far it's been ok.

[Harri]

Hi again.  I am so sorry to hear about your g-ma.  Maybe as you continue conversations with your siblings, you may find a way to talk with her? 

I was getting discouraged. I have no therapist or friends and it's hard to sift through so much alone.  I'm better today yesterday was an emotional day though.

I understand.  It is hard and it can be overwhelming when you look at everything all at once.  I am glad you are doing better today.  I think it is normal, or maybe expected is the right word, to go up and down with emotions especially when working on tough emotional stuff and being in a high stress situation.  We here can be a support for you as you already know, it just may take a while for me to reply sometimes.  Hang in there with me though okay?   

Your mom sounds like she may have a few BPDish traits.  Again, the diagnosis does not matter so much but the patterns of behavior and how they can follow us through life is important to think about.  Growing up with a mentally ill parent affects us.  It just does even if they are treated.  BiPolar is a very tough disorder to deal with and grow up with.  I am sorry she was so chaotic when you were young and I am sorry she was not able to separate her stuff from yours and support you in your choice of a partner. 

About your kids, well, I don't have any but I can answer from the perspective of someone who had a mentally ill parent.  First, try to communicate as best you can that they are not responsible for what their father does or says,  They are not to caretake him, that is for the adults to do.  Validate their feelings, so ask them how they feel and listen to what they say.  Don't try to placate them but let them know you understand and it is okay and even healthy for them to feel angry or sad, etc.  Telling the kids their father loves them when he is dysregulated can be very confusing and invalidating to the kids. 

There is a book called 'Understanding the Borderline Mother' that is probably available at your library.  It is written about BPD moms but you can apply the same sort of info to fathers.  Reading it may give you an idea of how the kids are viewing his behavior. 

If you haven't already, you may want to read over on the Family Law, Custody, Divorce and Co-Parenting Board.I mention this, specifically for the co-parenting posts.  I know you are married and want to stay together, but a lot of the co-parenting posts are a wonderful source for figuring out how to talk to kids, deal with some of the issues, etc. 

Really the very best thing you can do is to use the tools you have been learning and working on here and demonstrate them to your kids.  And Validate their feelings.  I can't stress enough how important that is.  I am pretty sure we have an article on validating children and when I find it I will come back and post it here.

Catlady, you have a lot on your plate so take things slow.  Validation and working on the tools for you should be IMHO your primary focus.  That and broadening your support network. 

Keep up the great work.