Was my fault?did she truly loved me and I am the problem? Confused...

[Headheldhigh]

Hi.

2 months and a half go my ex partner, non diagnosed Borderline left me, her explanation was, lately we  fight a lot, I love you with all my heart, i adore you but this is not good for anyone of us, is toxic fight and coming back. We have been having troubles since 1 yr, I am a treated BPD person, with more than 10 years of therapy, I have been as my therapist said improving a lot, and that she can not longer see traits, my now ex, started showing  up some traits as pushing me away, auto-sabotage, leaving school, job, more and more outburst, depression, being happy and then next day being absolutely angry and depressed, I said to her that i couldnt handle it anymore that she needed to enter to therapy or  we would not be able to continue like this, that was one year ago. we separated for 1 month and she come back telling me I wanna go to the therapist, but i need your help to decide which one do you think is better treatment, as a lot another times, I was taking time from my work, or obligations to help her to organized something, or review the therapist, or read bout their specialities, etc. she has been living in a country that speak english when we both are spanish native speakers. she has been there more than 4 years and still get upset and close up if she needs to speak in english, so I also needed to find a therapist that spoke spanish.

Anyhow she started therapy and the therapist told her she needed pills for the acute depression, she started taking pills and therapy and I saw a positive change, I was so happy, i was totally sure  we could manage it, she started skipping sessions, the pills get delay, she came late to appointments and they postpone to another weeks, and she start having  aggressive behaviors again, stress and all, I was also stress due to my job and all the things i need to plan to finally leave the country where i live  now and go and live  with her, she continuously told me how she needed me more, that she needed more attention why I was taking coffee or dinner with friends, and I was  generally totally afraid of going out and not coming back for the time she finish her new work when i could see her before she went to her home ( generally 15 minutes by Skype). I tried to be always there but lately everything was turning so confusing and kind of annoying, she would spent hours complaining about  everything, pains in her body, the pills, the therapist  dont want to see her  anymore or not put enough attention or looks like she dont wanted there anymore, she was more aggressive more distant. she came to spent Christmas with me for the first time and generally she  was sad to not being with her family even though she was the one asking me to leave my family that days to spent it with her for more than 2 years. we fight more than usual, for small things, i was crying almost the half of her stay, she told me she was planning to move to another city in the country she lives, and i was so angry because i was doing everything to move to the other city, she got angry and told me she didn't  need to asked me for permission. she was more in the telephone, she was more distant, and  if i started  crying because of impotence she would not tell me anything until hours later and tell me why i always need to apologized? why you need to be so sensitive, I think your BPD come back, i think you are getting so stress all the time, ultra sensitive, i can't do anything  without you getting upset or cry or do drama. and hours laters  she would apologized  and tell me I love you but im getting tired of this, and dedicated me romantic songs and tell me she loves me, i was the love of her life and she knew we will get married ( we were engaged ) she left my house after 1 month telling me she love me more than ver and that  we could manage it, that  we need to work hard but that she knows she loves me. after 1 month of that she start getting serious again and i was totally in stress cause i needed to finish my thesis.

she constantly sent me txt telling love me, i feel lonely, why you never  write me? and i was  getting annoyed but i was telling all the time im sorry baby, im working, let me finish and i'll write you of course i love you... than she said  yeh sure call me later. we started to fight  for everything almost, nothing  was enough, and then one day i couldnt  hear her in he skype and i said  several times do you hear me? she was continue talking and  i make signals like i can't hear you. i wrote several txt telling i can't hear you and she was persistently calling, i got angry and then i scream did you hear me? i cant hear you. she got upset beyond any limit, she  wrote you shouldnt scream are you ___ing  crazy?, i drop my phone  because of you, my screen is broken, i cant  talk anymore, im tired of this.

After 3 days which i didnt speak to her  because i didnt know if she  was still angry she come back telling me we need to broke up cause she love me but  my sensitivity was ruining her life, that she will quit the pills cause  was making her fat, that she dont recognized herself anymore and she became whatever i wanted, that she left me  because she loved me but everything has a limit  and she couldnt  continue with a toxic relationship like ours anymore, that she would love to continue in contact, but that she couldnt be my girlfriend anymore.

I was devastated I still ask myself if was true if was me coming back to my BPD traits and i ruined  everything. after leaving me she went to visit some friends and publish in her social media fotos with an ex, publications telling that were the best holidays of her life, she totally happy, with emoticons of 2 ladies kissing, txt like i love you baby and flower emoticons, and telling leaving that place breaks her heart. even though she havent delete my friends from her social media, I blocked her when she broke up with me, and all of this  i knew about it from my friends, they show me the publications... so now she seems happy... and Im wondering is truly me? was truly my BPD back and I ruined  everything? cause if she is happy is because the problem should it be me... .

[once removed]

hey Headheldhigh,

i can tell you really loved her, and that the relationship was highly stressful.

its pretty rare that a relationships problems are all one persons. it sounds like things were really hard on both of you, and she threw a lot of blame your way, which isnt very mature of her.

its only been two months, which isnt very long after a long term relationship. how are you feeling today? are you working through your grief with a therapist?

[Struggler123]

You know how they say, if something is too good to be true. Sometimes that is the case. At the current point your going to feel intense emotions because it was an intense relationship, which is exactly why I recommend takinf it one step at a time. Focus more on how you can be healthy, everything else will fall into place by itself. It all starts from you.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Headheldhigh, 

Welcome!   As Once removed mentioned,

its pretty rare that a relationships problems are all one persons.

A pwBPD projects so many of their feelings on to others that it is easy to feel as you are the main problem. It takes time to recover from the wounding words.

Who is in your life that is helping you get through this?

Wools

[Headheldhigh]

Thank you for answering, Im currently working on my feelings, I did a list of positive and negative actions from her and discussed it with my therapist she makes me realized how so much of our problems were based on manipulation and control, how even if I tried my best, was never enough, that she would blame me in order to not observe in herself the problems, it makes me realized that I was put in al the effort to maintain the relationship and maybe she was giving a 10 % and me a 300%. I started to realized how a lot of times, a lot of situations where she would accused me of being rude, or making everyone feels awkward and annoyed with me ( as in several meetings with my friends) the situation that she created in her  he'd was not even true, I spoke with all my friends present in the meetings, and all, more than 10 friends agree, thats just not true, we actually though we had a great time, she was totally serious but  we could see you trying your best to include her in all the conversations, and being so kind and attentive with her, when for my now ex, I was the worst person in the place, being rude, putting her in ridiculous infront of them, etc.

I realized how a lot of the situations that made me believe were my fault and I was a piece of sh... person, were actually just in her head, and I realized how all the manipulation going on made me believe the worst of myself when actually she has a lot of things to be blame about.

I have right now my therapist, and my best friend that haas been since day 1 of my depression, by my side, trying to make me realized how much she control me, and how all her behavior was pure control and seeking attention and not really love. My therapist believes actually that this is the only way my ex knows to love, that probably in her family was this version of love ( manipulation+ control = Love) and that she dont know how else love. But I guess one of my strong feelings now is dissapointment, cause I did it, I worked my a... off to make changes to improve, to get better, and if I could she totally can, she just dont want to... and that dissapoint me... that for her I wasn't worthy enough to decide to get better, and she rather quit the process of therapy and go back to what she knows... an ex that cheated on her several times and now has 2 kids of 2 different men.

[once removed]

I did a list of positive and negative actions from her

this can certainly be a helpful exercise... .sometimes it helps to lay out and visualize the relationship in that way, and it can even be useful in knowing what we are looking for in future relationships.

it sounds like you feel this was a pretty unfair and one sided relationship, and a lot of blame thrown at you, yes?