How did you first leave your BPD mothers ?

[FoxC]

Dear members, reading your posts I learn that most of you do not live with your BPD mothers anymore, have your own life, spouses, children... .And that's how it should be, right ?

I myself am stuck in a rather difficult situation with my mother and we live together. A couple of years ago we've moved to another country together (for a bright new future), now we're very tight on money and so living apart is impossible for the moment firstly because of financial issues. That said there are as you might guess, emotional issues as well. Not so long ago me and my mother were inseparable best friends worst enmeshment ever (denial denial denial, I was living in a dream world crated by her). I wasn't very outgoing, and I guess spent really too much time with her. The thought of taking physical distance from her (like moving to a different place to live) actually scared me ! Not because I was worried about myself, because I function a lot better when she's not around... .But because of her, as I'd be torn of guilt by leaving her all by herself and taking distance... as I saw her lonely, depressed and low functioning.

Today, it's been a year now I've learnt that she has BPD, her behavior has worsened, I can barely take it sometimes and if I had more money, I would actually go find myself a place apart. But you know, even with all of this, I'd still feel a bit guilty by leaving her (silly, I know, in my age it's totally absurd to think like that) even if we continue to see each other... .

In this thread I'm not so willing to explore my inner world of reasoning, I think I even have all the answers... But I'd appreciate it a lot if you could share some of your stories of how did you manage () to leave your BPD mothers and take some physical distance from them ? I believe for some of you it was marriage, studies for others, or maybe some of you ran out after some BPD storm in your home. How old were you ? How did your BPD mothers react ? It might sound weird these questions but I'd like to have some reference and see how others have coped with this issue (which perhaps wasn't even an issue!).

Thanks guys, hope to hear from you.

[Panda39]

Someone posted an article here once that said children of a BPD parent suffer more from guilt than children of narcissists or children of alcoholics and I believe that.  Guilt is the weapon they wield against their children.  You are raised in an environment where abusive guilt is used against you.  I can't tell you, you shouldn't feel it because I know you do.  I said this is another post and I will say it again here, I wish that you could see that the guilt isn't about who you are or what kind of daughter or person you are, but that it is about your mother and her behaviors, her insecurities, her issues and controlling you to fulfill her needs.  You are made to feel that your needs are "selfish"  but they aren't.  Meeting your own needs is about being your own person separate from your mother. 

My SO's daughters at age 14 & age 18 in spite of a divorce custody order both moved in with their dad full-time.  Their mother's behaviors drove them to him .  There was a long history of abuse and in 2015 she betrayed each daughter in ways that couldn't be ignored, they had enough and moved out D17 is low contact with her mom and D21 is no contact with her mom.

They were lucky they had their dad for support, I wish you had someone like him to turn to, too. 

Panda39 

[Harri]

Welcome back FoxC!  It is good to see you again.

I am sorry to hear that your mom's behavior has worsened. 

But you know, even with all of this, I'd still feel a bit guilty by leaving her (silly, I know, in my age it's totally absurd to think like that) even if we continue to see each other... .

That sounds about right to me.  The guilt is because you have spent your life taking care of her and were trained to do so.  Going against years and years of that training, from when you were a child, will elicit guilt.  It gets better as you yourself have seen in that you are no longer scared of just thinking about getting away from her.  That took a lot of work right?  It will take more but it is worth it.

I left the family home when I was in my mid to late thirties.  You might think I would remember exactly when I moved but I don't.  It was such a huge thing for me and I shut down for a while (years) after.  I had left prior for a few years to go to school out of state but I always went back.  I realized that I was never going to have a life of my own, that things were never going to get better for me and at the time, there were normal things I wanted that were impossible as long as I was living with my parents.  I wanted to get away from certain behaviors my mom had and that I had learned to allow.  Previous attempts to stop them had failed, not just because of her persistence but because of my own tendency to put her needs first.

So I knew I was going to need help and I went to counseling so I would have someone to talk with about it.  Two weeks after, I moved out.  It was sudden and threw my whole family into an uproar because 'mom was upset' which was just not allowed!  During that two weeks and for several months after, I used my anger to help me keep with my plan to move and to stay moved.  From counseling I learned about BPD and the associated behaviors.  I recognized the emotional manipulation that had been used all my life to keep me at her side and to basically give up my life for her.  My anger helped me to focus on me and I also worked on telling myself I was allowed to have my own life and that she was wrong to do the things she did.

It wasn't easy to change decades of emotional blackmail and manipulation and habits that became second nature to me.  Going to a T allowed me to channel my anger into more healthy ways of staying firm in my choice and to begin to stop using my anger against myself (still an ongoing struggle for me).

My mother reacted by getting angry, being hurt, giving me the silent treatment, painting me evil and selfish.  She tried her best to turn my brother and father against me and, to some extent she succeeded but I was prepared for that and saw it as a function of their own enmeshment with her.  What made it easier to deal with was to recognize that I was them no so long ago and I understood that everyone had their own time line and process. 

I think your questions are good ones and I am glad you asked.  Our situations are all different yet in many ways they are similar.

[Harri]

Panda wrote: 

I wish that you could see that the guilt isn't about who you are or what kind of daughter or person you are, but that it is about your mother and her behaviors, her insecurities, her issues and controlling you to fulfill her needs.  You are made to feel that your needs are "selfish"  but they aren't.  Meeting your own needs is about being your own person separate from your mother. 

Yes.  Very well said. 

[Cromwell]

I never left her until she died.

The same guilt that has carried itself into turning my back on someone I saw as an ill person rather than a wicked one transmuted itself into my r/s with my now xBPD.

I guess I was loyal to a fault with both because of those rare times of special moments where I felt the veil of their disorder temporarily was abandoned and they expressed true heartfelt gratitude and remoarse. Those apologies over a life time that you could count on one hand, but the ability to do that must have taken extraordinary courage and vulnerability.

glad it is all over though, there is a certain level of subtle self conditioning that takes place in order to put up with what is incorrigible symptoms of people, doing my best now to reprogram what was ingrained at an early age, and feeling the benefits of it day by day.

[todayistheday]

I was driven to live a better life than I had.  I managed to work my schedule so I could graduate high school a year early and go to college in another town.  Of course, Mom took credit for me being so smart to be able to do that!  I didn't care.  I was away.

I was not quite ready for college.  I worked my butt off the whole time there.  Many people with the same background would have flunked out.  I was on academic probation one semester.  But I continued to work my butt off because I did not want to move back.

I did go back to the family house second half of the first summer.  It was so bad that I made sure I had reason to not have to go back there in future summers.

I did not succeed very well in the first career field for several reasons.  I went back to college 10 years later and got a degree in a different field and since then have held down the same professional job for 22 years.  Much better than most people can do now -- pretty good for someone who was the scapegoat child and always told "You will never amount to anything... ."  in loud screams?

Now Mom is having health issues.  Roles of scapegoat and golden child have changed a bit.  Golden sister never escaped and lives next door.  I live 2 hours away.  Now I am the one she wants to take care of her.  She tries laying the guilt trip on me.  I don't let it work.  She will tell me that she needs things and she tells Dad and Sister  two other stories.  She told me "if I'd just had someone here who could help me with xyz... ."   and reasons that Dad and Sister could not.  It's on the phone, I give her the on the phone grunt that's a version of a nod.  I don't give in. I'm not wasting my FMLA on things that she can have taken care of in other ways to just go listen to her scream at everyone else.  So my current escape is to let it roll off of my back and continue to re-evaluate.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you having to live with a BPD mother and not knowing when you will escape or how you can make up for all the lost time. Like you, for years I worshiped my BPD mother in some ways and believed that she loved me despite how she hurt me and did everything to clip my wings so I would never be a person in my own right. Like many BPD parents, mom did not want my siblings or me to become separate people from her, and it has taken years of therapy to feel less trapped by the guilt trips she has laid on me, and to develop a more healthy sense of self. My aha moment came when my youngest brother, her favorite child, got cancer, and she was so abusive that the social worker at the hospice had to get involved. I was just devastated seeing my kind caring brother treated so badly in his final days on earth. I have not been able to love mom like I did before, and I am suffering right now knowing there will not be a loving goodbye before she dies as mom continues to dominate and abuse her children. Please know we are here for you, and we feel your suffering. Let us know how we can help, and keep us posted.

[Turkish]

I never left her until she died.

I guess I was loyal to a fault with both because of those rare times of special moments where I felt the veil of their disorder temporarily was abandoned and they expressed true heartfelt gratitude and remoarse. Those apologies over a life time that you could count on one hand, but the ability to do that must have taken extraordinary courage and vulnerability.

Welcome to the board Cromwell 

Is being loyal a bad thing? My T didn't think so. 

My mother kind of apologized to me only twice,  the second time kind of subtle,  "I may have crossed the line into abuse  only once that time I was yelling at you and you feel to the ground and had a seizure." Pretty sure she was smacking me around also,  and good thing my head hit the dirt rather than a rock... .

I thought about going NC when I was 18 and my mother was in the middle of her breakdown.  I had already moved out on my 18th birthday.  However... .that loyalty thing,  and she had no one else though she'd go through a series of adult replacement children for years.  I finally cut off contact at age 45 after she made accusations of criminal elder abuse against me,  threatened me with a lawyer over her truck (which I had given her), accused my kids and me of stealing from her,  me keeping her prisoner while she lived with us for 4 months after I likely saved her life from extreme cold... .yes,  it was enough. 

Similarly,  I chose to get into my r/s with my uBPDx. Because you only know what you know and don't know what you don't know. 

[Notwendy]

I think there are several steps to "leaving" and it may be better described as "becoming our own person" rather than physically leaving by moving out or going NC.

I agree with the others that we are raised as "extensions" of them and emotional caretakers whether we are the "white " child or the "black" child. I have taken on both roles at different times with my BPD mother but I have been primarily the black child. It it still enmeshement, but my role has been to take care of her bad feelings by being what she projects them on to and also being who she blames for issues. I have a sibling who is the white child and growing up I was jealous of him. I tried to be a good child by being complacent and hoping she would find favor with me. Occasionally I would succeed but it wouldn't last longer. I would then tolerate more, trying to be "good".

Thankfully, my father met her physical and financial needs so I didn't feel guilty moving out. But I felt guilty for other things. They had issues  between them and she told me that I was the cause of them- so my moving out was a form of caretaking- I thought they would be happy without me and I wanted them to be happy.  I graduated early and left for college both so I could get away and also thinking that this would solve their marital issues. I also felt guilty asking for any money from my father as my mother's spending had got them into debt. Asking them for anything led to them being angry at me and so I worked as much as possible and asked for as little as I could. I was also not emotional ready for college. I did well, but I was not happy. I took all the emotional issues from being raised in dysfunction feared something was emotionally wrong with me, not them, since as far as they were concerned, they were "normal " parents.

Although I went home on school breaks, I never moved back home with her and knew better. I have no desire to live with my mother. It would be a nightmare. But I did stay with them for a while when my father became ill to help out and it was an eye opener. My father was seriously ill, and my mother was abusive. I tried to get social work involved for elder abuse but since he was still legally competent and would not press charges, I could not do anything about it. When I was a child, my parents were able to minimize my mother's behavior to me, but as an adult, I saw it with adult eyes and there is no denying that.

It is also sad to know that my relationship with my elderly mother isn't what I would have wanted for her or me at this point. I went to help my parents with all good intent- to help my elderly father in his last days, and I would have wanted to be of help to her in her old age as well, but I have to have boundaries on her abusiveness. I haven't cut contact with her- we still speak and visit on occasion, but after my father's illness and eventual death, I don't feel any desire to have a close relationship with her. I think this was the time I "left" the relationship emotionally even though I have not cut contact with her.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi FoxC, 

I left for college and went far away from home at 18, then had to come back for summers. That 1st summer was pretty awful with my uBPDm flatly telling me that I would obey her no matter if I was used to living on my own or not. The following summer I went even farther by traveling to Africa to live away from home. By then she'd left my dad and filed for divorce. I felt the blame because she said that when I left for college she lost her best friend and had no one to talk to. Talk about FOG!  For years I felt responsible for my parent's divorce.

Then the ultimate 'getting away' from her was to get married, but I wouldn't discover until much later how many similar traits DH has to my uBPDm. I hear from the other posts of Turkish and Cromwell (btw, welcome Cromwell!) that they fell into the same type of thing that happens to most of us after leaving our pwBPD: because we are used to a certain way, we return back to that as our default.

It's not always possible for a person to leave the environment with the pwBPD as you've indicated in your situation. But I do feel that there's an awful lot of hope to take care of yourself physically, emltionally, and mentally so that you are able to leave the influence of the pwBPD or dysfunction, even if you are still in the physical house space with them. It's something that you need good outside support to be able to do, but I have been able to do so much better with DH as I've grown and healed with the help of others and my T. Our relationship is still tough, but I have learned and am still learning how to make it work without leaving him. I wanted to give you hope.

My T so often reminds me that the healthier we get, the less healthy others look to us. As your eyes are opening, you are getting healthier and can see more clearly.

 
Wools

[Amethyste]

I still live with my uBPD mother but I'm planning on leaving this year. I keep telling her that I'm going to leave that I'm 28 soon and it's time for me to live my life so she get used to the idea. She says she doesn't care but I'm sure she'll go NC once I leave because she will hate me for it.

[zachira]

It is so unsettling to think that your mother may go NC when you leave home, and she may hate you for it. Dealing with a BPD mother and two BPD siblings invokes fear in me, as I often do not know what they will do next, whether it will be attempts to enmesh with me so I cannot be a separate person or do something hateful. Part of the challenge of leaving home could be to not worry too much (as much as that is possible) of how your mother will respond, as you do not know, and as to be expected she will probably do some things that are extremely hurtful. I admire your intelligence and courage to know what is right for you and to do it. Until you leave and possibly for some time afterwards, it may be particularly stressful. Let us know how you are doing and post anytime. We are here to support you.

[Amethyste]

Hey zachira thanks for you message.
It's true I'm a bit worried about how she will take it.
But I'm so grateful for having my sisters who will help me if things go wrong. She knows it and hate the relationship I have with my sisters.
I have put all my stuff in bags and luggage already so that when I move away I won't leave anything because when my sister moved away she throw all her clothes and stuff to the trash. So now I know she could do the same for my stuff.
She wants to make me feel guilty because she told me about her friends daughter leaving home now that she is 38  I told her I'm not leaving at 38 it's not a normal age to leave your parents. She got pissed off.
I will let you guys know how it goes once I move away hopefully in the end of june/beginning of July. Hopefully there won't be drama

[zachira]

I just wanted to say that things can get better and there is hope. From Nov 2017 thru most of May 2018, I have been barely speaking to my BPD mom, and really limiting my contact with my two BPD siblings. During these difficult times, I have cried a lot, posted on this site, seen my therapist, and been doing everything I can to develop my self esteem so I no longer need their approval. It seems the tide has turned. On most days, I am feeling happier than ever, and the last two phone calls with my mother did not trigger me into another round of anger and sadness, and she was actually nicer. Working on your self esteem to the point you are doing what is best for yourself without feeling guilty can really pay off. My wish for everyone who posts on this site is to continue to have a better life by making healthier connections with self and others, and to be relieved of the terrible guilt of not being the caretaker your BPD relatives trained you to be.