Update: job 2 in three weeks

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I'm sorry I've been MIA. We've been carrying two mortgages for nine months and finally just unloaded the old house a couple of days ago. So relieved.

DD20 quit the job she got after three days, and then about a week later got a new job. That has been... .Very bumpy. She had a panic attack the first day she was supposed to work and had to call in and say she was having a medical emergency. They still let her go to work for her next shift. This place is basically Hooter's, which as a reminder my daughter had been working as a stripper for the last couple of years. So the next shift day happens and they tell her she didn't buy the right things for her uniform, so I spend all of a 2.5 hour flight for a business trip helping her via Facebook messenger. Thank God for technology. She has no bank account so I had to send her money via Western Union... anyway the whole thing was a debacle and she very nearly gave up, but she didn't, and somehow managed to make it back to work by when they said. That was Monday this last week. She worked three days total, and then called in sick the fourth day because she was so anxious she got no sleep the night before. Astonishingly they didn't fire her. She worked yesterday, and then today called to ask for tomorrow off, and they told her if she didn't show up on time to not bother coming in. Again wanted to quit but I told her all entry level jobs are terrible and she's not likely to find one she likes much better, so she should try to "embrace the suck." She said she wouldnt quit so we will see if she shows up.

Meanwhile we have til Thursday to get her old apartment cleaned out and it is absolutely disgusting. And an hour away. That's why she asked for the day off tomorrow, to go clean. I unfortunately am the guarantor on the lease so leaving it isn't really an option.  So I think dh and I will throw everything left in trash bags and pay people to come clean. It just means I have to drive up there at least two more times this week.

I am proud of her for continuing to try. I just hope it gets a little easier. Her trying at all is still very new but it's easy to feel like this will never end or get better. She hasnt made close to enough money to pay rent next week so we will help her for the one month. Luckily I am not on this lease. And no more double mortgage payments!

Sorry for such a long post. It's been nuts. The last two weekends both had massive melt downs and then I was gone for work most of this week; add in that I am still in school for my masters... .It's a lot.

I hope everyone is having a nice relaxing weekend.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Hi HB - It sure is a lot, but you are managing it brilliantly!  I love how you told her that she should try to "embrace the suck" because all entry level jobs basically suck!  So true, was just having basically the same conversation with my non-BPD dd20 as she was leaving to return to job as a Research Assistant at the university she attends after a weekend at home and is dreading the beginning of a new work week, as she has basically nothing to do... .so it sucks! We were deciding that being bored with nothing to do is just as bad as last year's summer job that had her working like a dog 6 days a week on the line at an ice cream factory... .that sucked too, !  Good for your daughter for deciding to keep plugging away - it is difficult, especially when you are new and learning the ropes. (... .and have if that isn't hard enough, BPD is right there beating down her confidence  )

Glad to hear that you have had some major financial stress lifted from your shoulders, and hopefully by this time next week all will be settled with your daughter's old apartment and another stressor will be gone -   

We've done the throw it all in trash bags and sort it later type of cleanout before ourselves.  It is depressing, disgusting and maddening all at the same time. 

Please keep us posted on how your DD is doing with her new job and apartment... .sending heaps of good wishes your way, HB.

  MM

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Thanks MM! She just called, she fell asleep and slept through the first two hours of her shift so that's a done deal. But she made it four days this time, one more than the last... .

Not having that second mortgage payment has made me feel better about everything. We were stretched so thin it was driving me nuts. I expected this to happen but I was hoping it would last a couple weeks at least.

[1hope]

Hyacinth and MomMae,
Wow! There’s so much that I can relate to in your posts!  My DD19 often has difficulty with managing her anxiety, and lately has been having panic attacks.  She recently ended up having to call her boss to come in and cover her shift. She didn’t even realize it was a panic attack until I made the connection for her.  She ended up getting a warning at one of her previous jobs for absences... .she quit before they could fire her. 

She also has trouble keeping her bedroom clean in the apartment she is in.  Her roommates complain that she doesn’t help clean... .she never leaves her room to use the common areas, so doesn’t seem to think she needs to clean them.   Obviously this has created a less than pleasant environment.  She blames the roommates.   Her lease is up at the end of July... .so she’ll be looking for a new place... .sigh!

Hyacinth... .I am so glad to hear you have some relief financially!  One less worry for sure! 
Also... .I plan to use your “embrace the suck” quote.  I love it!

Thanks for sharing your experiences!  It’s nice to have people who can relate.  This time of year is tough... .friends my age are all talking about what their kids will be doing in the fall... .college, university etc.  We’re just taking things one day at a time.  I’ve come to terms with it, but I still have a hard time knowing what to say to others.  I guess I’m still on the learning curve. 

[wendydarling]

Yikes HB no wonder you were quiet!   I hope life calms down, you get some you time. Good for your girl to keep going, you're doing a brilliant job supporting her, 4 days is success and as 1hope's therapist says our kids need to feel their successes and they need help recognising them in context of a difficult situation for them. Perhaps you've more mileage in your conversations with her about engaging in treatment that can help support her in the workplace, if she's open to it.

I'll be joining this conversation at some point in the future with feedback.  I'm 'waiting' for DD to get back in work. 'Waiting' has been my approach with my DD these last few years since BPD and crisis' entered my world, it is however so, so slow. It's been a successful strategy so far so I'm sticking with it, she's taken on responsibility for her BPD and been given the space to get as well as she can to this point, I'm hoping the waiting strategy will be successful with a return to work, that she makes it work for her. I can however see she'll struggle alongside your girls, HB, MM, 1hope with anxiety, panic attacks, time keeping... .Question is will her DBT and insights she has about her disorders, the meds she's on for anxiety, depression etc help her in a work environment? She has previously held down jobs, she has a degree however she's a different person now, she has the BPD burns, she's fragile. Can she do it, hold down a job with the skills she's learnt, the meds she's on?  She 'owns' her BPD, can she own a job in the same way?

Ugh, the panic attacks and anxiety is so darn debilitating, the pain, my heart goes out to you all and your girls. 1hope, it is so hard this time of year, hearing of the plans and wondering what to say to others many struggle with here, and I think you're right it's a learning curve, dependent on the community we live in and in the interest of our child's wellbeing what we say, if anything. Hugs to you  

This thread has mileage!  

WDx

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Thank you for your replies and support WD and 1Hope.

I just talked to my daughter, she's so so sad with herself. She was talking about how she can't hold a job and she hates us paying her rent, and how she knows she's a burden on us and that sometimes I can't even talk to her because she's just too much to handle. Heartbreaking but she is a smart kid. It really sucks having to validate that stuff. But she's right. She said we act like she's not a problem for us but she knows she is. I told her that's true sometimes, but not always. I do hope this results in her wanting to do the work to get better. She feels this time crunch because she doesn't want us to pay her rent so we will see... .

[Daisy123]

Hello Hyacinth,
2 jobs, a move and DD’s thoughtful insight- looks like your daughter is making progress. And what a relief for you in terms of new cash flow. That must have been such a stressor. You have worked so carefully with your daughter to get her to this point. You are an amazing mom. What you just shared about your daughter feeling like such a burden really moved me. It shows just how much she’s realized all that you and your husband have done for her.

My DD will say every now and then that she, too is a burden. I’m curious if other parents out there have had similar statements made
to them and more importantly- how did you respond to that statement?
What did you tell her after she’d shared her feelings?

As for the anxiety our loved ones feel is so immense. I wonder how they might overcome those intense feelings of anxiety? My DD suffers from it- I can give her a simple task to complete in the home and she immediately feels overwhelmed.

I am glad you have shared your journey with us. It’s so good to see progress in both life skills and progress in your relationship with your daughter.
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