Love Bombing: Learning Way Too Late in the Game

[Jeffree]

I just Googled "love bombing and two great articles from Psychology Today popped up.

1) Love Bombing: A Narcissist's Secret Weapon

2) The Danger of Manipulative Love-Bombing in a Relationship

Boy, the situations they describe fit the courtship by my ex to a T. I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.  

Damn it!

J

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Jeffree,

What did you learn if anything about what made you susceptible to love bombing?

I read the articles and in the second I thought that this section was helpful for future reference:

If you fear that you may be in the early phase of a love bombing attack, picture that you are at railroad crossing with a locomotive barreling down the tracks. The warning sign there is true here as well: Stop. Look. Listen.

Stop: Slow things down. Have a talk and say: “I really love everything about you, but let’s slow things down a bit, it’s moving too fast, and I’m a bit scared of that.”

Look: Actions speak louder than words. If his words and actions are not in sync, that’s a big red flag.

Listen: Listen carefully to what he says, and don’t be afraid to challenge the assertions. If he says: “We will be perfect together,” reply: “Well it’s early, but so far, so good.”

Also, remember that love bombers hate to be challenged, and a snarky reply to any of your comments above is another warning.

For myself the fear has been there about how to make the distinction between someone who is just a bit over the top romantic or someone with a PD.  Having stop, look, listen is useful to refer to as it's easy to remember and I plan to keep this one in the toolbox!

When you read the section on how to be less of a target for love bombing, did you find any areas of opportunity for yourself to protect yourself from this in the future? 

Love and light x

[Jeffree]

When you read the section on how to be less of a target for love bombing, did you find any areas of opportunity for yourself to protect yourself from this in the future?

Just knowing it's a thing and that it more than likely will lead to BIG trouble down the line are important reminders.

Knowing it's an unhealthy dynamic is one thing, but it's an entirely different thing for me to stop, look, and listen through unbiased lenses and truly see things for what they are, AND take appropriate action if I don't like what I am seeing.

I tend to see things as workable, possible, hopeful, and assume that the other person is tethered to reality like I am. They responded positively to me, have said nice and reasonable things, and seem to have their stuff together. Nice things feel nice. Who wouldn't prefer to experience niceness?

However, there are bad, manipulative, selfish people out there who are only putting up a front, and I don't know how to tell the difference... .at least I don't think I know how to do that (though I have not had to do so since my ex left back in Aug.).

J
 

[Harley Quinn]

I tend to see things as workable, possible, hopeful, and assume that the other person is tethered to reality like I am. They responded positively to me, have said nice and reasonable things, and seem to have their stuff together. Nice things feel nice. Who wouldn't prefer to experience niceness?

I know what you mean.  I'd never pursued a man and had been pretty used to being treated well at the start of a r/s, although some of these had turned toxic admittedly.  Was there a point at which you felt that the niceness was maybe a bit too nice?  Like uncomfortably so, or just a bit overwhelming/unrealistic? 

Looking back, for myself, I can honestly say it was around the time he sent me a photo of something almost invisible folded into his birth certificate.  I had to blow up the shot to see that it was a hair.  One of my hairs which he'd taken from the car seat one day in the early stages.  He panicked right away and said "I've creeped you out, haven't I?" to which I responded "No, not at all.  It's quite endearing that you're a soppy so and so... ."  Of course, in reality it was a bit cringe worthy... .

My learning?  Be true to myself and listen to my instincts.  Don't put someone else's feelings above my own.  As quickly as I'd soothed his panic, we moved into another stage of love bombing which hooked me and I all but forgot about the hair in the birth certificate.  There had been my opportunity to really assess what I was getting into.  Had I known then what I know now.  Everything moved too fast and was too intense.  The way I see it, this had to happen for me to acquire the knowledge I have now in order to protect myself in the future.  What are your thoughts on that?

Love and light x