I need Support - My husband has cut me off

[Shinebright]

Hi,
I am new here and I desperately need support. I was in a 14 year marriage with a man who has NPD whom I had 2 beautiful children with. Fast forward --- I left him (hardest, craziest thing I have ever done in my life) in April of 2015. I met my current husband, whom I am pretty certain has BPD, in Dec 0f 2015. We took it slow(ish), we shared our past relationship struggles, we both had been abused in childhood and in adulthood, we would consistently check in with one another and always make sure we were feeling good about where we were headed. After 10 months of dating I introduced him to my children since we knew we wanted to move forward and get serious with each other. I made a lot of mistakes along the way, the most notable one was that I wanted him to convert to my religion (at that time I was slightly religious but I have since relaxed about it). He felt pressured but nonetheless continued to study and educate himself to see if this is what he could and would be able to do. I wanted to get married and he told me he did as well. Again, fast forward --- in Aug of 2017 we got married in a religious ceremony (under my beliefs which he had officially adopted at our wedding ceremony). A few weeks after the wedding he started to become very distant and extremely moody. I tried to be supportive but due to my own codependency issues (which I was unaware of at that time) I was also not seeing things clearly. I didn't see how my pressure on him was affecting him. I did however ask if we could go to therapy, I started to look within myself to see how I can change and stop pressuring him, I laid off the religion bit and started to see things differently, etc etc etc. Little by little his behavior began to become intolerable and more and more abusive. In Oct 2017 I decided if he wanted to be in his own rut and not get help I would have to find my own happiness and fun and start spending time with friends. I then went to a few parties with some friends and met other acquaintances at those events. He began to become paranoid and suspicious (even though I'd always invite him, call him the entire night, want to be with him, etc.). He started accusing me of infidelity amongst other things. He had a few episodes and due to the fact that by this point he hadn't paid one single bill or anything towards our life together (we were living together for over 6 months and he paid for nothing but a few dinners here and there and his excuse would always be because he didn't make as much money and I'd always want to go out so I wasn't setting him up for success in saving money etc.) I ended up asking him to leave and go to his parents. This happened a few times until the most recent incident which happened a month ago where I received a text message from a friend of mine with sexy photos of herself she was going to send to a male companion of hers and he (going through my phone as he had been doing while I was sleeping for over 4 months) assumed I was having a lesbian affair. He lost it, broke doors, bruised my arm, etc. and called his parents told them I was a lesbian and I told him he had to get all of his things and leave. That day he moved out and I changed the locks. A week later I told him I wanted a divorce. A week after that I was weak and missing him so I sent him a text saying 'Pls don't respond, I am having a moment of weakness. You broke my heart and I am hurting so much. Pls don't respond.' He responded with 'I broke my ankle, do I have insurance still?' I was so upset and hurt and felt so used. That was a few days ago and since then we've gone back and forth on email and text and I was kind and stating facts he was horribly merciless in degrading me, saying all kinds of extremely nasty things to me, etc. He was supposed to go into surgery for his ankle yesterday, I emailed him and said I hoped his surgery goes well and he emailed me back with a bunch of nasty things as usual and has now cut me off completely.

I am just hurting. I need support. I don't know where to turn to. I have a therapist and he's great, we've been talking and it's been helping. I just need someone who has experienced this to tell me I am not crazy.

He, my husband, tells me that even if he does have a mental disorder I hadn't been supportive of him and I wasn't treating him right. I cooked, I cleaned, I paid for everything, I tried my best but I am a mother, I have a high profile career with a top level executive position at a corporation I cannot be a mother to a grown man. I need love and support also. At what point does one take responsibility for themselves and not blame another for their problems? He told me I damaged him and I destroyed his life.

I am so broken and feel dead inside. I still love my husband and I wish he was the person I met in 2015. But even then, when I look back, he wasn't there for me in my most vulnerable times. I got a second degree sunburn and I couldn't walk. My ankles were so swollen, my lips have permanent nerve damage because they broke out in HUGE blisters (my entire mouth), I was a wreck. During that time we were dating, not committed, but he didn't call, didn't visit, didn't send flowers. I was so alone. When I think about all this it makes me so upset.

[spero]

Hi there Shinebright.

I send greetings from the community. 

I'd like to reaffirm that this is a safe place for your to share your stories and challenges.
I do believe that you'd perhaps fine similar stories such as yours as you hear from our other community members as well.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation with your husband. This recent situation must have left you really discouraged and hurt. And you must also be feeling frustrated while having to fight the feeling of missing him at times. I know this must really be tough to be hurt both emotionally and physically but someone whom you have made yourself vulnerable to and had given your heart to.

How long has it been since you've last communicated with him?
We're here to listen and be a sounding board.

Takecare and takeheart,
Spero

[Shinebright]

Hi Spero,

I can't tell you how much it means to me for someone to respond. My last interaction with him was yesterday morning and he then blocked me from email. I emailed him to let him know I hope his surgery is successful and he emailed me back with a bunch of nasty things to say and told me not to pretend to love or care about him etc. Then he told me he was blocking me from email (he had already blocked me from all other communication except FB messenger, however, I had blocked him from IG first and that prompted him to block me from FB and text and IG). So this afternoon in a moment of weakness I sent him photos of a plant that was dying that we had worked on saving together and it was a photo of me and my daughters repotting it and he saw it then I sent him a few more messages that he didn't read and then when I went back to FB messenger his profile wouldn't come up because he blocked me. Now we are officially blocked from all communication.

I am really struggling right now. This is so unbelievably painful.

[Mutt]

Hi Shinebright,

Id like to join Spero and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry to hear that  The constant ups and down like an emotional rollercoaster make you feel bleak, like you feel depressed and hopeless at the same time because it’s hard to fathom that things are going to get better in the future.

It’s also hard to to explain what you’re going through maybe you got advice from family and friends that would be helpful in a regular r/s bit these r/s are on a dague of their own. It feels lonely because you’re not understood sometimes you might get blamed for your pwBPD’s actions.

Like you said it’s good to talk to others that have walked a mile in your shoes. I can relate with how painful these r/s break ups are it’s a pain like no other.

[spero]

Hi there Shinebright,

I'd like to join Mutt in hearing you out.

While, it is not uncommon for people within the BPD/NPD spectrum to intentionally "block" someone out, i'd like to unapologetic say that such behaviour is very emotionally damaging for a person on the receiving end. It kind of becomes a "tit-for-tat" kind of situation and if it escalates further, it will probably be at your disadvantage. I would also perhaps suggest that the act of "blocking" is a form of "control" in which he has the power to (or he assumes he does) "have control over the situation".

I'm sorry that your kindness and genuine concern has instead been misinterpreted. That aside, Shinebright, I'm also curious about the other behaviours your husband is exhibiting. Has there been instances of violence? or just cooking up stories which make no sense? Have there been instances where others were made to believe something you didnt do or something contrary to your personality?

Now that both of you have decided to block each other? Do you have any plan as to what you'd like to do next? Or would you like to explore what are some possible options you could do from hereon?

Takecare,
Spero.

[pearlsw]

Hi Shinebright,

As I read what you've written here one that stands out for is the importance of detaching yourself from getting him to support your version of reality. You know what reality is and you need to hold onto reality for dear life. He will never agree with how you see things. He sees the world through a very distorted lens that serves him. I have learned this with my SO, do not waste my time/energy trying to get him to see things the way I do. It is not a good use of time.

Did you make mistakes? Perhaps. But nothing rises to the occasion of justifying mistreatment towards you. Nothing.

Every once in awhile I get blocked by him on email, I don't do much social media, but ultimately he is just bluffing and does read what I write to him. He just likes to play games over such things. Does he make it impossible for you to co-parent with him? What impact is this having?

take care, pearl.

[Shinebright]

Hi Mutt, Spero, & Pearl,

I apologize for the late response but it's been a whirlwind of emotion and working through my own issues. Now my parents are in town for a few weeks and I also have to deal with a codependent mother and parental issues so yeah, that brings back all the memories of my childhood trauma. Nonetheless, I still have this issue of healing from my BPD husband cutting me off and telling me our marriage was never real because we didn't do it legally only spiritually.

To answer a few of your questions... .

Pearl: Thank you for the support. Luckily we don't have children together, I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage to a man with NPD (see my pattern? I finally do.). My BPD husband has made up all these lies about me and based them on his collection of photos, texts, who follows me on IG, who I am FB friends with, etc. It's insanity really. Looking back on it now I see that his entire purpose for going through my phone wasn't to convince himself I am a liar and a cheat because he knows good and well that is not true, it was to collect 'evidence' to show his family to justify leaving me in a rage so as to cover up his own mental illness. He is so far gone and now I see how closely connected BPD and NPD are. Although they are different they both have this need to create a false narrative around why the marriage didn't work out so they don't look crazy in front of family and friends.

Spero: Thank you for the support. He became violent but luckily I kicked him out of the house before it got worse. He broke 2 doors, he held me hostage in a bedroom, he took my phone and refused to give it back, yelled in my face, bruised my arm, picked me up 3' in the air and plopped me back down on the bed, yeah. It was not safe and when he'd come down off an episode I'd tell him I didn't feel safe and he didn't understand why. He literally has memory loss constantly and this is why I didn't feel safe. It's as if he didn't even know what he was doing and after the fact he didn't recall doing the things he did. Other than that he has collected all kinds of information that he calls 'data' from my phone to justify his abuse and to solidify that i am a liar and a cheat by taking things completely out of context. I have literally never cheated on him or lied about anything big. I had to start lying about small things here and there like talking to friends on the phone or my parents etc because otherwise he'd make a story and delusion out of these things and believe them and cause problems for me. For now I am going to therapy and I have an appt tomorrow with a therapist who specializes in BPD relationship recovery. I am hoping this helps. I am going through the grieving process but at this point I am angry at him now because I feel he used me materially (I bought him a car, supported him for months, etc.). When he left and moved out he took some of my belongings with him which I will likely never get back. I am just hurting and don't know how I can ever trust any man ever again. Right now I plan to get healthy myself, get rid of my codependency and try to be a better person, a healthier person so I can eventually (after I get to know myself, maybe in a few years) be in a mutually beneficial relationship.

Mutt: Thank you for your support. I am trying my best to move through this. Things are SO hard right now. He literally married me 9.5 months ago. I just feel so used and abused but I also take accountability for my own wrongs in the relationship. I should not have continued to see him knowing we were on 2 different playing fields in terms of where we were at in life. I have an extremely successful career, 2 children, and a house while he works an entry level tech job making $25/hr and didn't even have a car. Not that finances are everything but I should have not tried to believe in his potential or change him to be what I needed and just either accepted where he was and saw our relationship for what it was or decided to not pursue anything with him. I also realized I am codependent which I didn't even know what that was before we started having issues. So, I say all that to say, I take accountability for my wrongs and I am a survivor not a victim. I actually started to take accountability back in December and sought help for myself and started to get healthy. The healthier I got the angrier he got and his symptoms got worse and worse. I thought I was doing the right thing by holding myself accountable and that would fix things but it made him more and more delusional, neurotic, and his symptoms got SO much worse.

I am just trying so hard to heal but it's been SO difficult.

[pearlsw]

Pearl: Thank you for the support. Luckily we don't have children together, I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage to a man with NPD (see my pattern? I finally do.). My BPD husband has made up all these lies about me and based them on his collection of photos, texts, who follows me on IG, who I am FB friends with, etc. It's insanity really. Looking back on it now I see that his entire purpose for going through my phone wasn't to convince himself I am a liar and a cheat because he knows good and well that is not true, it was to collect 'evidence' to show his family to justify leaving me in a rage so as to cover up his own mental illness. He is so far gone and now I see how closely connected BPD and NPD are. Although they are different they both have this need to create a false narrative around why the marriage didn't work out so they don't look crazy in front of family and friends.

I am just trying so hard to heal but it's been SO difficult.

Hi Shinebright,

Oh, I see, so he is trying to pin the end of the relationship on you to make himself feel/look better in the eyes of others?

What are you doing, may I ask, so that you can heal from all this?

warmly, pearl.

[Shinebright]

Hi Shinebright,

Oh, I see, so he is trying to pin the end of the relationship on you to make himself feel/look better in the eyes of others?

What are you doing, may I ask, so that you can heal from all this?

warmly, pearl.

Yes I think that is what it is pretty much.

I started therapy with a life coach/therapist who specializes in helping people who have come out of relationships with those who suffer from BPD. It's been good but everyday is different.

I'm starting to exercise and just get in touch with myself, digging into my issues and boosting my self worth etc.

Idk. Everyday is different. I just need to go no contact but unfortunately he contacted me a week ago and asked if we could talk then when i sent him a 1 line email saying yes i'm happy to talk when he has time he writes back with how humiliated he has been by my actions, how he needs closure, how i need to be prepared to be honest with him when we meet to talk etc.

I then responded back and told him that when we meet he won't be hearing anything different than what I've already said because the truth has been told. I also told him that he hasn't held himself accountable for his wrongs and that if we want to meet to talk the convo will not be in the vain of him putting me on trial again.

He then responded with another nasty email about all the things he accuses me of and basically devalues and degrades me again.

I told him I will no longer read his emails and if he wants to approach me and our marriage with the respect i/the marriage deserves he can call me to set up a time to meet in a public place and have a conversation.

I just need it to end and I know it's up to me to stop speaking with him it but it's so so difficult because I go up and down with being ok with no contact to wanting to try and have hope that things will work if he gets help.

In a normal marriage two people would discuss things like adults and come to a conclusion one way or another rather than going back and forth on emails and texts. I know all of this and I also know my communication has been respectful, logical, and clear. I've gone over it so many times in my head and I know I'm not crazy.

[Mutt]

he contacted me a week ago and asked if we could talk then when i sent him a 1 line email saying yes i'm happy to talk when he has time he writes back with how humiliated he has been by my actions, how he needs closure, how i need to be prepared to be honest with him when we meet to talk etc.

I notice that he doesn’t mention you or fulfilling your needs, it’s all about him.

I just need it to end and I know it's up to me to stop speaking with him it but it's so so difficult because I go up and down with being ok with no contact to wanting to try and have hope that things will work if he gets help.

We’re here to help you stay grounded it will be OK.

I completely understand that feeling of doing one thing and following that with the complete opposite because of a pwBPD it feels like your stomach is constantly tied up in knots.

I would imagine that you would have done legalities that you would have to be in touch with him for? What about controlled contact?