Introduction: I don't know what I think or feel or believe

[Jayde07]

Hello

I'm new to this forum, I just want to introduce myself. I'm 26years old nurse and mother to a 3 year old, currently expecting baby number two. My mum exhibits traits of bod thpugh I didn't fully recognise it until I did my nursing training and learnt about BPD. My mum doesn't have a formal diagnosis but it's all there. Fear of abandonment, extremely emotionally driven, often overreacts to the slightest imagined offence. She is offended easily and has been through more friends than I care to count and found fault with all of them resulting in loss of relationships every single time. She smothered us in love and words that seem so true and genuine to outsiders but she couldnt be genuine if she tried. Home life revocolved around how mum would react to things. Her thing is getting offended, someone could look at her wrong and she's builds up a story in her head about what they think about her and what that look meant and she would ruminate on it, talk about it, get physically shakey and so upset by it that all day that's all she can focus on. Growing up in that was toxic. Never heard a nice word said about anyone except a few who quickly fell from grace. If she was questioned, her opinions or actions she could fly off the handle, literally stare you down, pointing and shouting that you can't possibly know anything about the situation and she is RIGHT! You know nothing. As a teenager it messed me up. I learnt to keep my opinions to myself so much that now I don't know what I think or feel or believe. My husband gets so frustrated at me because I can't express myself, I simply look at him like a deer in headlights when he asks me what I want or how I feel. I don't know. I wasn't allowed to think or feel for myself. My mothers behaviour often embarrassed our family, in stores she would fly off at a salesperson for no or a very small reason and we all just kept quiet. Even today, at 26 I barely speak up for myself. It's affecting my daughter now and I can't let that happen so I'm here to talk things through, get support and advise on how to protect her from it. She loves her Nan as she should and she's great with my daughter. But I don't know how to approach my mum with things concerning my daughter. She babysits quite a bit because I have no other option and there's a few things I'd like her to change (like babying her and letting her get away with bad behaviour) I think she's trying to make up for what she knows is a bad relationship between her and me. Sorry for the long post, I suppose I needed to get it all out there

Thanks for reading and hopefully we can help each other

[bluek9]

    Welcome Jayde07

    Yes sometimes with the first post it comes pouring out.   That's okay, that's what we are here for. I'm sorry that after so many years you have come to the understanding of your moms issues. Yet on the other hand I'm really happy for you. Now you can learn to heal yourself and have a much better relationship with your own daughter.   And guess what, you will learn to express yourself. Being here on this board is so empowering. There is no judgment, preaching or telling you your feelings don't matter. You are brave and strong, you found this place. Bring your husband on this journey with you. Hope to read your posts again.  

[Harri]

Hello!  I would like to join bluek9 in saying welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us as many here can relate, not just to having a mother with BPD but also with not knowing what to believe or feel and having a hard time speaking up.  Unfortunately it seems to go hand in hand with having a mother who exhibits a lot of the same behaviors you mother shows. 

I learnt to keep my opinions to myself so much that now I don't know what I think or feel or believe. My husband gets so frustrated at me because I can't express myself, I simply look at him like a deer in headlights when he asks me what I want or how I feel. I don't know. I wasn't allowed to think or feel for myself.

It is difficult when the behaviors we used to survive in childhood and adolescence follow us into adulthood and affect our relationships now.  The good news is that now you know about BPD and how your mother's behaviors adversely affected you, you can, learn different ways of communicating and you can conquer these old, no longer useful behaviors and demonstrate better ways to cope and interact with people to your daughter.

First though it is good to get a handle on where you think you are in the healing process, though healing is by no means linear.  If you look over the the right side of the page you will see a Survivors Guide.  Each item in the list expands to give more information.  Where would you say you are right now?  Again, you may find you skip certain steps or are even between 2 or more at the same time. 

We also have a Lessons section right above the Survivors Guide and also pinned at the top of this board.  There is a lot of stuff to read, but take it slow as you can burn out. 

I am glad you posted as you can get a lot out of relating to other people and getting the support and understanding you need.  This is a great place for that.  I can't really describe how much help and how much I have grown over the years as I have posted here, but I would be much father back than I am now.

Hope to see more of you on the boards.

[Woolspinner2000]

Jayde07, sending a quick welcome to you too! 

Some great thoughts already shared with you from bluek9 and Harri. 

I can totally relate to freezing when asked questions about what I want from DH (dear husband). T has helped me a whole lot in this area, with my T asking me questions and practicing. Initially I froze up terribly, but he has been patient and kind and relentless in not letting me go but encouraging me to respond somehow. Each time it gets easier. Us children of an uBPD parent learned our lessons well, but now you can begin to unlearn them.

 
Wools