Severing all ties

[juju2]

Hi c.
I guess by having anything to do w him.
My friends keep saying put all of his stuff outside.
No one undetstands except here.
  My sponsor is not at all in agreement w how i have dealt w him.  I just cant be mean and vengeful.  I still see the sweet, caring person who is in there.

The last time i saw him for coffee, and he wanted me to watch our dog, that was painful.  I had been set up for that for two weeks.  Thats why i am not seeing him and we are only emailing, which it looks like he is fine with.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

I understand how you feel. My friends would tell me “she doesn’t deserve you” or “she is a horrible person” but they don’t understand the mental disorder or her as a person. They haven’t seen the loving side, only the bad moments or shared and they want what’s best for you but they don’t really offer the best advice. I would steer clear from taking advice from people who haven’t had experience with BPD relationships. Chances are they will make things worse.

I would ask for advice and it lead to jading which I didn’t know. I also blamed myself for not listening to my friends and started to think I was a failure because I couldn’t take their advice and then thought how I disappointed them. Toxic way of thinking that I had to overcome. I also felt embarrassed I would ask for their advice and then run back to my ex. I lost friends like this because they thought I didn’t care about their opinions and did the opposite.

Only you know the dynamics of your relationship and know your ex best. Even if things are unclear. I think this community is also your best option for advice. It certainly was for me.

I can’t be mean and vengeful to my ex either. I tried hating her. I tried saying I hate her but I was lying to myself. I still have our pictures because she means the world to me and always will. And when I think about her I cry. People say I didn’t love her and etc. but they don’t know poop. I of course see my ex as a loving person still. And get mad about the illness. I want to cure it or help anyway. I am pursuing a career in medical field and would love to research cluster b personalities and help fix it. But I know it’s pretty much impossible. That’s how much this stuff fuels me.

It’s painful juju. He shows he still cares. We don’t know his ulterior motives at all. It’s hard to tell and especially with someone who has BPD, they most likely don’t want to show it because of rejection. People are so complex.

If you guys decide to meet for coffee, maybe switch it up next time? and get something like bubble tea (really good) or try a smoothie place? It’s still very short and brief but trying new things in my opinion builds a better bond and memories. And gives you new things to talk about. Just some ideas for you juju.

[juju2]

Hi c.w.  thank you.  I agree totally.   People who dont have experience w this disorder cant help.

So i went to just email, after he asked me at the last coffee to watch our dog, he bites everyone except me and him.  He said"we are going out of town"... .i never heard him talk like that to me.  We had an agreement to keep our visit about ourselves, no outside relationships.  All of this was after two weeks of him coming over, spending time w me, i see now, buttering me up... .

After that last coffee, i asked him to remove all his things from our house.   gave him 3 months, there is a ton of stuff... .he works, too, when he can, so i thought that was a reasonable amount of time.
I also want to ask him to not bring who he is seeing to my house... .do you think that will be ok, or should i just ask him to let me know who is coming over?  i can figure that out when the time comes... .he has been really nice, i got sick, had emailed him, letting him know i got sick, he had wished me happy birthday.  He offered to get me some medicine, he would leave it at the door... .
And then the thing about trading furniture, he is giving me our d/r table, nice oak, four chairs, beautiful.  Its too big for his tiny place... .i am thinking, its too big, is that because someone else is always there?  (there goes my stinkin thinkin... .its none of my business)  he also wants me to have our couch, he took, and he wants back the smaller one he gave me... .i just said, take the small couch, am going to get a different couch... .i really dont get what is going on... .and i dont want the couch they were sitting on.

My friend who knows us, she said he is getting his needs met.  She said she wouldnt think about it more than that.  That is good advice.  He has never said, i am happy, i hope you find someone who will make you happy too.  He doesnt say that.  I would say something like that, if i felt my ex was waiting around for me... .he does say, you are a good woman.  He says that often.

Because honestly, he hasnt said anything to me about the o.w.   for all i know, it could be friends w benefits.  There was a big event on saturday, both groups him and i belong to hosted the event, he didnt go.  (I didnt go either.  I saw his vehicle at his work)  If he was to go w the o.w., people would be asking about me.   Him and i were supporters of it in previous years... .for ten years...
So idk what is going on.  I really dont!

[juju2]

So, all ties will be severed third week in august.
He emailed me this morning about something he thought would be good for the (our) house, 6:37 a.m.

[juju2]

Hi, just now got home fm work, had mentioned am low on animal food, he got me a bag of food, cat litter, and canned food.  That was so nice.!

I know he does want to be something to me, i am not sure what.  Who cares what we call it anyway.

[juju2]

So he dropped off animal food.

I thanked him.  I really do not know what is going on.  Usually, if he was going to do something for me or our animals, he would ask first.

He has all of his stuff to retrieve.  And that will take a while.  My sense is, he is doing whatever he needs to do.  Wish i could be more good spirited.  I just see where he has been calculating.

[juju2]

Basically, what i am seeing now, is more mixed messages.  He brought animal food, that was nice, and also, what does it mean.  I shared that animal food was low right now.  He isnt making sense.

I thanked him.  And still, i wonder, what is going on.

J

[CryWolf]

do you think if you perhaps ask him why hes being so nice, he will give you answers you seek?

[juju2]

Well, i know he cares a lot about our animals.  He sent me 7 emails just yesterday.

I havent told you guys yet, i met someone nice.  He is 7 yrs older than me, he treats me like a lady, he is old fashioned.  His wife of twenty years died 2 yrs ago, and he said he wants to start living again.  We met on match.com, this is our first date for both of us on match.  My first date since being separated.  We laugh a lot.  He has a great smile, laugh.  We went to an excellent restaurant, he even got me a birthday present, early!  He just retired from an excellent job, has a pension, etc.owns his house, car.  All this stuff he told me, because we talked for like 6 hours.  He says he knows we would make a great couple
  am taking it slow.  We have another date this friday, another excellent place, i have been wanting to go there.  He even said, he wants to take me to hawaii next month, we would go for a week.  I know this is alot.  its hard too, because i have strong feelings for pwBPD.  I am not over him.


I told him, S. that have co dependency issues, and have to take it slow... .do you all think it is ok for me to see the new guy.?

Thank you so much, j

[CryWolf]

Hey Juju, first off I’m happy you put yourself back out there! It can be a very scary process to date again and open your heart to others. You can definitely check my posts in the “learning after a failed r/s” section.

I think taking things slow is an excellent thing to do. You’re in no rush, and when we typically rush things, that’s when typically mistakes happen.

However, just my opinion, and I hope someone can chime in. I think this guy is rushing things. 

Why I think it’s getting rushed? Aka Red Flags
1. Talk for 6 hours. (That’s a really really really long time) to talk to someone for 6 hours when you’ve just met I think is moving a bit fast.

2. He said “we will make a great couple”. You guys just met... I think he’s probably just ready to jump into any relationship without getting to truly know you or anyone first. (We all want a perfect healthy relationship with the person we like/ date but to say you’re the one and commit right off the bat, it’s a red flag.)

3. He is going to take you to a trip to Hawaii. This is usually done with long term couples once a strong bond is established. Traveling together is usually a big commitment step and a huge deal in my opinion.

It’s good you mentioned your codependency problem, however, I think you both are rushing things. What do you think, Juju?

I know dating someone new is so exhilarating and amazing. You get this rush and your heart starts to feel alive again and everything becomes so exciting since you dated someone with BPD. You sort of feel some self worth again and purpose that you haven’t in a while. But be careful, Juju and be safe  

[SunandMoon]

Very wise words, CryWolf. And yes, I noticed the same red flags.

However - yes, Juju! Wonderful news! Date a nice man, let him take you to excellent places and treat you like a lady! That's exactly what you deserve.

Just take it slow and don't do anything you don't want to do. Have fun and enjoy life

[juju2]

Cry, Sun,  totally get it. Thank you both for the feedback!

 He is a strong personality, knows what he wants.  He tells me am beautiful, smart, loves my long red hair, green eyes, it really feels excellent to have an attractive man treat me so great.  I feel starved for a healthy r/s.  So i know have to take it slow.  We are both irish, we laugh at the same jokes.  He seems responsible, no nonsense guy.  What you see, thats what you get.  Heres the thing, after being in a long r/s w pwBPD, can i be in a normal r/s... .?  am just going to see what unfolds, no rushing.  and, i still love my pwBPD.
How do i do this.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Hi Juju

I feel really happy for you.   

I think it may take some time but I believe you can be in a normal r/s. I was in abusive relationships for most of my life. I'm now engaged to a wonderful man who treats me better than anyone ever has. I feel safe with him. I feel loved and cherished. We have good conversations and we can talk to each other like healthy normal people. I think what helped me and what may help you is being aware of who you are as well as setting and enforcing good healthy boundaries. Take care of yourself and then I think it will become more clear to you what is healthy for you and what is not.

[juju2]

Thank you fire.  Appreciate your feedback.

I still miss my pwBPD.  Its been 19 days since we saw eachother.

[CryWolf]

It’s normal to miss someone Juju. I miss my BPDEx and it’s been 6 months. But I still remember how she felt, how she smelled and how she sounded. I will always love her. It’s normal to always have feelings for someone. It’s just a process to let go and move on. Love is complex and feelings and emotions are complex.

[juju2]

When i met my s.o., i had been divorced for 6 years, and felt ready to date.

  It is so different now.
wasnt going to date, didnt feel like it, and i met someone i have fun with.  This new guy, he is really ready to get serious, after waiting almost two yrs.  Him and his wife were best friends... .

i have been saying to him, am really going slow, if he cant handle that, i understand... .

[juju2]

All i have for today.  It is hard

[CryWolf]

What activities do you have planned planned for today? What’s for dinner?


Thinking about a dinner usually gets my mind off someone for a a while. Lol

[juju2]

So true.!

Burrito, free for my b day.

Thank you cry. !

[juju2]

Hi family,
What i am experiencing is really more of what was present when we lived together.  Attachment disorder.  The whole time, it was like, what is going on?  Whenever there was an opportunity to strengthen our bond, it has sabotaged.  One thing i noticed w this new guy, he is not afraid of commitment, being strong for me.  We went to where my d22 works, server, and i did not feel any strangeness, or any rejection coming from him.  It felt "normal" vs. something i cant quite describe, like a non connection w my family.  I felt no distance w this new person... .

  i really had been blind to all the nuances that were going on during my time w my BPD s.o.  i read on here about the nons being distanced from their family, and that happened to me as well.

[juju2]

good morning family,

You all have so supported me, i cant thank you wnough.  Am still in the process of removing all ties.

[CryWolf]

First off good choice on the burrito. Burritos and tacos are awesome


Me and my exBPD went through the same thing. Whenever things finally turned up and started to get better, she would self sabatoge. She would pick a fight out of nowhere and all the progress would be lost.

My exBPD was also afraid of commitment. SHe was the most WISHY-washy person every. And if I ever showed uncertainty, boy did I get it from her. And then trying to explain myself? Nope. She wouldn’t listen.

Although she wanted me to have a stronger bond with family, over time I realized my bond was gettin weaker. I was too focused on her and became an angry person towards people.i was exhausted for any human interaction .

I dated 2  girls after her. Both actually wanted to get to know me. Both ask me questions and seemed to genuinely care, my exBPd however barely talked as our dates progressed and I would tend to force conversations. I felt like I was doing all the pursuing. It sucks when things are one sided.

Slowly that’s what happened to our relationship.

I would say “goodmorning”
Her “hi” or “morning” or “yup”
Me “what do you have planned today, baby girl?”
Her “not your baby girl” or “wrong girl”

She would always say “wrong girl” to tell me how I’m messaging the wrong girl and that I’m a player and have other girls besides her.

Then I would have to overcompensate by reassuring her. Or not reply because I felt hurt she would even say that. Then she would message how people can’t drjve and how she almost got hit etc.

I realized the pattern that she would say she almost got in a accident to shift the anger into me saying “wow are you okay? I’m glad your safe” ... .I just realized this yesterday. 7 months after the breakup.

I guess what I’m saying is, Don’t be so hard on yourself for not knowing the signs early on. We all become blind when in love and disregard things. We all want love, Juju.  

[juju2]

Hi cry,

Wow.  It is devastating to hear what nons have been thru.  I believe there is a different dynamic w female BPD vs male BPD.  My s.o.  was constantly flirting inappropriately.  He was demeaning to me.
I find it hard to believe, even now, that he did this consciously.  For me, that was his serious mental illness, pushing boundaries.  I remember being so upset, that i couldnt even speak.  Its like, anything i say, will start something, that i will regret.  Last year for my birthday, he took me to a very nice restaurant, proceeded to flirt w our server, told her, "you are beautiful, i would love to take your picture sometime "  and, "would it be ok if i came back on a different nite, to see when would be a good time for you and i to get together"?  The server looked at me, with a strange, confused look.  Yeah, that is what i would endure, weekly. It was so demoralizing.  I wanted to walk out of there, tell him to f off, and write him out of my life.  He didnt say anything like tjat to me all evening.  I finally saw, does this person even like me?  Who would do these things, especially on someone's birthday?

Those continuous things, all the time  i do not miss

[juju2]

This last msg i sent was a bad memory.

Was not reacting to what he said or did, just realky saw how out of touch he can be, and i saw his disorder in action.  The emotional disorder is devastating to those who care the most.  If i didnt care, it wouldnt affect me.  j

[juju2]

Hi family, havent posted for a few days.
Am still in some kind of limbo.  Guess this does take a while.

[heartandwhole]

Am still in some kind of limbo.  Guess this does take a while.

I totally get this, juju2.  . It does take time. I think feeling in limbo is actually not a bad place to be—you are in the “unknown” and therefore more open to possibilities and opportunities.

At times like that, I try to remember that Life has plans for me that I can’t see or understand, but in my experience, they have been much better than my mind was imagining.  :)on’t know if that resonates with you, but hoping you can trust in the goodness all around that can be so hard to see when we’re confused and hurting.

heartandwhole

[juju2]

Thank you.  I think about him every day.

Am seeing a nice man, tonite will be our 2nd date.
This man supports me, he checks on me, calls once a day, to see how my day is going.takes me to nice place(s) --tonite is a great restaurant.  Guess being in limbo allows me to explore other experiences.  am slow to let my heart get involved, this is my way of protecting myself. 
any thought you all have are appreciated.

[juju2]

He emailed me, is in the hosp for severe dehydration, he was working in the heat for several days in a row, didnt take good care.  He went into renal failure as well.  So i called him, he says is doing better. I really really care about him. 

[juju2]

Visited him briefly, he is ill, lungs w fluid, he overdoes things and gets sick.he has damaged his kidneys from dehydration, hopefully not permanent.  that was one of our issues, he didnt take very good care of himself.
It seemed like it didnt matter or something like that.  Maybe its part of BPD.
Anyway, he went into being sorry that i was having such a hard time, he said he never wanted to hurt me.  I just said, its ok, i will be ok. 

When i got home, i texted him, you looked very concerned about me, just letting you know i have met someone, and i will be o.k.  the only reason am sharing this w you, is because you looked very worried about me.  I dont want you to worry.

its been a long day, family, thank you for your support... .j

[juju2]

So, when i went to see him at the hospital, he looked a lot worse than he said he was.  He let himself get real ill.  He thinks they will release him today, and then he told me he is going to go right out and finish that job in the heat. So, he will end up right back in the hosp... .he doesnt make any sense.  I know he needs the $.

am trying to understand.