Severing all ties

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi family,

As of over a week ago, i blocked his phone, emailed him that i am only avail by email.  The next day, asked him to have all of his things out by 3 months.  Yesterday, we exchanged emails about how he hopes he hasnt lost me totally from his life.  for me, its pretty total, if the only contact you have is email.  The longest we have gone without seeing eachother is two weeks. He would hug and kiss me hello and goodbye. Its nine days now.

One of his emails, said, he has too much baggage, it was an acknowlegement that i never heard before.  He also emailed, no one has ever done so much, especially to patch things up w him.

A trusted friend, who knows what has been going on, has supported me in disentangling, and she also said to stop seeing him, drop all contact.

I havent done this before, it really hurts.  I really need all the support i can get.  Am going to my best friend today.  I just want to cry.

[juju2]

Hi family,

As of over a week ago, i blocked his phone, emailed him that i am only avail by email.  The next day, asked him to have all of his things out by 3 months.  Yesterday, we exchanged emails about how he hopes he hasnt lost me totally from his life.  for me, its pretty total, if the only contact you have is email.  The longest we have gone without seeing eachother is two weeks. He would hug and kiss me hello and goodbye. Its nine days now.

One of his emails, said, he has too much baggage, it was an acknowlegement that i never heard before.  He also emailed, no one has ever done so much, especially to patch things up w him.

A trusted friend, who knows what has been going on, has supported me in disentangling, and she also said to stop seeing him, drop all contact.

I havent done this before, it really hurts.  I really need all the support i can get.  Am going to my best friend today.  I just want to cry.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

i am realizing my part in enabling him, for most of our r/s i was paying 75% of our expenses.  I would still help him out, as recent as last month.  We had income inequality.
It looked to me that he was just with me for what he could get.  That is why i asked him for us to live separately.  He had no clue on how much it takes to live, to cover unexpected expenses, i was solving all the problems and feeling unappreciated. 

So now, he is working a lot, way more than he did when he was w me.  I get he wants to keep me around, there arent a lot of people that care and help.  It feels like taking.  Its taking from me.

being a generous person, i saw nothing wrong initially, as time went on, as it seemed he had no regard for me, it was like, why am i doing things for someone who has no consideration of me?  that was my path, getting worse, for ten years... . 

i had no tools, didnt find this site until last year.

Am learning and growing here.  Thank you all for listening.  j

[pearlsw]

hi juju2,

are you two still doing counseling?

take care, pearl.

[juju2]

No, we are not in counseling anymore

[pearlsw]

Ah okay!

Three months seems like a long time to give him to get his stuff out... .Why offer so much time, just curious? (After it's already been quite some time... .)

take care, pearl.

[juju2]

Hi Pearl,

It is a long time.  He has a ton of stuff here: see my other post on hoarding.  When he starts to get his stuff, am sure a lot will go in the dumpster.  He has a 20x14 room full, a Carport, and the whole backyard.  He is getting a washer and dryer out of here wednesday.  It looks like a junk yard out back, vehicle, trailer, things all over.

was being generous w the time, if i see nothing happening the first month, am likely to shorten it.  The carport has a dead truck, flat tires, a bunch of junk behind it.  I used to just accept all of this, this is how he was when we met.  Am trying not to be critical, judgemental.

I accept him, there is some reason, that i do not understand.

it is a sad day, tomorrow may be better.

[juju2]

So, its been since may 26, blocked his phone, he is ok w that.
Guess i never meant that much to him.

[juju2]

Difficult day

If someone will share experience, hope

[juju2]

today is not much better

[pearlsw]

Hi juju2,

So you decided to cut him out of your life now? Do you really want this? Or do you have regrets? It is important to be clear in your own behaviors - that they reflect what you need are not mean to punish or manipulate him. If you want him away from you then you must adjust to the complications of that I think.

How are you adjusting?

keep the focus on your own health, pearl.

[juju2]

I have regrets, pearl.

I also want him to have the opportunity to see what life is like without me... .i have always been there for him.  Always.
It seems like i am being used, that isnt good for me, or our relationship.

[juju2]

I still get emails from him every three to four days.
I also watched a you tube video on if pwBPD ever strikes you, the r/s is over.  You cant go back, there is no respect. Back then i didnt know what i was dealing with.

Oh well.  If any of you have strength i appreciate it, j

[pearlsw]

Hi juju,

What did that video mean for you? Was there violence in your relationship?

What does he talk about in the emails if you don't mind me asking?

with compassion, pearl.

[CryWolf]

Hey Juju, we all support you here.  

Detaching is hard, and it seems like this is the best course of outcome for your situation at this point, am I correct?

You mentioned

I also want him to have the opportunity to see what life is like without me... .i have always been there for him.  Always.
It seems like i am being used, that isnt good for me, or our relationship.

I have also felt this way in my relationship with my expBPD. It sucks. You give and you give, and it feels like it is not good enough, right? You hope they see the good you do for them and they will trust you/love you more/takes away the fights/problems they create. It is very difficult, Juju.

In time, things do get better. Right now, everything is difficult and it will be for a while. But youre strong Juju, you've overcome many battles before and this will be another battle you will overcome.

Back then i didnt know what i was dealing with.

What did you mean by this statement, Juju, were you involved in physical harm? This is a safe place if you choose to share. If not, it is understandable. We are hear for you regardless.  

I watch some of the same videos on bPD and narcissism. Although its not a "one size fits all" with this mental disorder, I also saw how my ex lost respect for me after the verbal abuse. Although, I never always tolerated it and stood up for myself. I saw how the abuse made me withdraw, and her lose respect.

[juju2]

Pearl, he talks about putting in the faucet he got frm remodeling job, about trimming a tree that is hiting house, have a good day, lets see, what else;
it has been since may 27 that its only email communication... .11 days.?
Its been also, he hope he hasnt lost me, he cares deeply about me... .which i havent responded to.
Thanking me for all i did for him; he understands where i am, that he has a lot of baggage... .he has been quite heartfelt in his emails.

c.w., yes there has been violence, hit me in the arm, powerful punch, twice, about 7 yrs ago, i didnt know then, not to ever escalate when he deregulates... .after that, i would walk away when he started to get dysregulated, because his anger went from 0-60 in about one minute.  scary.

since i stopped escalating, his dysregulation seemed to lessen.  Before we separated last year, he was withdrawn, even his face looked pained, he was not happy... .that was a bad several months from 2016-march 2017... .then, april 2017-october, we traveled together every month, 4-7 days, 7 trips, i took  care of him during recovery fm surgery in april last yr... .our last real date was oct. 1 last yr... our last trip was dec last yr... .sorry this is so long... .thank you all for being there for me.  j

[juju2]

Last nite, he got his washer, dryer that he had put in our backyard.  He went thru the backyd, by the alley.  Didnt even hear him.  I had emailed him when back yard alley gate unlocked, i am sick, resting, i did decide to keep the faucet you gave me.  He emailed back, thank you, is there anything you need?... emailed back, thank you anyway, dont know what that would be... .we had a nice couple of emails back/forth... .  tomorrow is my b.day, it will be hard.  First time in ten years not together on our b days.

[juju2]

i will need continued support frm you all

[pearlsw]

Hi juju2,

Birthdays are often days filled with expectations... .and disappointments. What can you do for yourself on your birthday that will make it a special day for you, if you so desire, nevertheless?

I would take myself out to eat somewhere I liked... .and I often extend my celebration beyond the actual day so that it is less pressure on the day itself.

Wishing you peace in your heart for your birthday!   

warm wishes, pearl.

[juju2]

Thank you very much Pearl.

I appreciate the kindness you have shown me, and the whole community has shown me and one another.

[juju2]

so today is my birthday, usually i would get an email wishing me h.b.   nothing.  Oh well.
The day isnt over.

[heartandwhole]

Happy Birthday juju  

I know how hard this is. I’m sorry you are going through it.

Try not to let your mind make up stories about your worth, or his feelings, according to whether he contacts you or not. We can’t necessarily know the reasons for others’ actions, but we can be our own best friend and not leave ourselves through focusing on what others are or aren’t doing.

Have you done something special or nurturing for yourself today?  

I wish you a better year, filled with joy and peace... .

heartandwhole

[juju2]

Thank you Heart for the bday wish!

This community helps a lot of people.

Blessings to you all, j

[MaybeMaybeNot]

I also want him to have the opportunity to see what life is like without me... .i have always been there for him.  Always.
It seems like i am being used, that isnt good for me, or our relationship.

Hi juju! I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. I like what you said here. I do not know if you want to leave the door open (I guess the only situation when the door is 100% closed is when the other person is dead) but I like a lot what you are saying. In my opinion the best way out from negative loop is to severe all the ties and take your time to think what you really want. When you are in this emotional turbulence it is very difficult to think clearly. I have been in similar situation lately and when I got both my depression and ADD medication back (and working) I was able to detach myself enough to start living my own life again. Of course I needed a lot of validation from different professionals to confirm that I am not paranoid and making things up. In my opinion the best position for repairing damaged relationship(if this is what you eventually want) is when both parties have regained their independence again.

[juju2]

Maybemaybenot,

You hit the nail on the head.
Am in a place just past desperation.  On the plus side of desperation, can accept it if nothing comes of the r/s.   I wont know what could be created though, if i keep being there for him, like a crutch.
And he was there for me, in the way he could be, a tentative way.  so, this path of getting completely out of his way is what makes the most sense. All we have is email contact. 
Also, i am taking good self care, which makes a huge difference.  Am learning healthy ways.  This community has been supportive, that makes a difference.  Thank you,  j

[juju2]

His last email was happy birthday, hope you had a great birthday.  He is proud of me, all the things i am doing; i feel like by severing ties, having him get his things, he may be able to see what he is losing.  I feel like he kept so many of his precious things w me as a type of connection.  I dont really know.  For me, i was enabling him, because most people dont do what i was doing, storing everything for him, taking care of something he should be taking care of.   

For me, getting to this point is a sign i am getting healthier.

[juju2]

 So i got an email today, he wants me to swap the d.r. table he has, that was ours, for a table he gave me, its a cheap ikea.   He says because its too big for his little kitchen.  My house has a d.r., his doesnt.  He said someone gave him a small table that works better.

And he gave me a small couch when he moved out, because he was taking our couch.  He wants to trade those out.  I said, you can have the little couch, and i am going to get my own couch.

I feel like he is being nice.  He could sell our d.r.table, he doesnt have to offer it to me, that is the table we had special dinners, get togethers.  Ours.

So i guess he may be thinking about... .memories.  good memories.?

[juju2]

Hi family,

This is hard.!

it seems like i am punishing myself.  Oh well.

There is so much in life i dont understand.

[juju2]

I see him discarding the one person who loved him.   And, i am giving him the opportunity to do just that.  It really sucks.

[juju2]

Its ok.  I know nothing happens by accident.

[CryWolf]

happy belated birthday juju. I hope your day was special 

What makes you think you are punishing yourself?