BPD Withdrawal: It's been 4 days/want to contact him, need advice

[vm87]

Hi all,
I've been romantically involved with my guy for almost 3 months.
He has been quite honest with his BPD and I feel he is expressing when he is feeling 'in his head' and his moods. I can see amigo increase in his trust, opens and increase in good moods and positive emotions.

Although last week he told me he had things on his mind and since then has been in his withdrawal state. I messaged him and he told me he hasn't been in a mood to do anything or talk to anyone. I have been reading lots of BPD books and doing a lot of research and sent him a very supportive text. He was responding and said he needed to be alone for now as it is what helps him get out of it and get better.
It's been 4 days since that message... I want to check in... I miss him... .
I just need some advice.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

Welcome vm87,

I would like to personally welcome you on behalf of everyone and say thank you for sharing here. Dating a person with BPD will be a task of itself and you coming here and looking for guidance shows you are willing to make this relationship ship work.

One thing I would like to advocate, that many of us made the mistake on is to not become consumed by the relatonship. It will become difficult down the road and you May start to put your partners feeljngs and emotions above your own. There are a lot of tools on this website that are recommended by other members that can help in your situation.

Have you known your guy before the 3 months you dated? Were  you friends first for a while? Him telling you when he is withdrawing and his feelings show he trusts you very much and you backing off when he needs, shows great maturity. A lot of people will do the opposite and chase. I, myself have done this. It only pushes people away.

I know it can be stressful and painful when someone wants to space and backs away. And all you want to do is give them hugs and affection to show them you care and love them. Or how someone is feeling down, you want to cheer them up. But a lot of times, these things are counterintuitive.

Would you like to share some of the things he mentioned that were on his mind? I only ask, so we can have a better undersranding of the possible dynamics and can help you in anyway we can. Is this the first time he’s withdrawn like this? Usually, our partners with BPD (pBPD) feel emotions 100x than us.

Love to hear more
 

[MaybeMaybeNot]

You could get great benefit from reading books about attachment styles too. I think most BPDs have fearful-avoidant or maybe in some cases anxious attachment style (which is more common for people with codependent traits) and push-pull dynamic is more like rule than exception with anyone who has any form of avoidant attachment style. Dismissive avoidants do that too, but the difference between these two is that they appear much more confident on the surface. Of course we could reasonably argue that nobody with insecure attachment style is confident. Attachment theory and attachment styles will give another approach to this problem.

Now I have to be realistic. People with any kind of avoidant attachment style rarely change. They just do not see any need for that. Apparently the person you are dating is aware of his problems, which is a very good sign and gives you a lot of hope. It is just that for avoidants it is very, very difficult to let people close. On the other hand, they rarely want you completely out of their life.

According to what you share I see no reason why your relationship might not work. But I also believe that a lot of patience is needed from your part. If you have anxious attachment style, avoidant people activate all your insecurities and you will be in very difficult position. Avoidants usually end up with people who have anxious attachment style, because they kind of reinforce each other´s insecurities. Avoidants run away from intimacy anxious partner desperately needs. The irony is that IF anxious partner actually gets what she needs, she might become avoidant herself! The reason behind this seemingly bizarre behavior is that they are not used to get their needs met, and when they actually do, it feels unfamiliar and scary. Therefore, they might just run away and the roles are reversed!

This a BPD forum, but I think the attachment theory is very relevant for any relationship, BPD or not.

[CautiousHope]

Hi vm, I'd like to chime in and say that I know it's really confusing and stressful when the person you're dating withdraws from you. That isn't something that happens in your average relationship, so it can be confusing both cognitively and emotionally. Of course you miss him, that's only natural, it seems you must care a great deal in order to educate yourself on his condition and to reach out for support here. So, I applaud you for that, hopefully we can give you some tools. Since you're reading about BPD and seeking support for your relationship with a pwBPD, what are you doing in terms of self-care while he's taking a little space for himself?

It sounds like your partner is working to manage his symptoms which is phenomenal. The thing about BPD is that intimate relationships are the biggest trigger and new relationships in particular can be challenging. They bring up a lot of insecurities in attachment and in their sense of self and that can be a triggering experience, making symptoms difficult to control. It sounds like he may be a little bit overwhelmed, which is leading him to take a little space to reduce his anxiety. Since this isn't a common relationship dynamic it can be a little disorienting, but it can be important to give our loved ones space when they request it. You might find it's helpful to find things to keep your mind off of him and off of the relationship when he has to take little breaks like that.

[vm87]

Thank you everyone so much for your comments... wow!
So much support.

I will answer some questions.

We met around 3 years ago and were seeing each other for around 3 months, unfortunately at this time he backed off and did a disappearing act... .but we always stayed in touch here and there. I never had any closure and always wondered... .we had an awesome connection and it was all of a sudden.

We reconnected consistently around 3 months ago now. Since then the connection was a lot deeper, intimate and emotional. It also seems like he is in much better positive space in terms of his job, career and overall life.  A month into it, he did a withdrawal act and was quite distant at this time and actually tried to end it over a text saying he could barely keep his head above water and I replied by saying we needed to talk face to face.
 At this point he also admitted that he was confused about emotions with an ex. i remained calm and wanted to speak to him face to face.
When we met up that night he told me about his BPD struggle and I actually shocked. I couldn't believe it but it did explain so much. He told me he had been to a psychiatrist in the past and had commitment issues. I told him I was happy to go with the flow and that I enjoyed being around him and always felt good together. The ex he mentioned seemed to disappear in the moment once we had a good talk and we were all good. I realised at this point when he didn't see me for around a week it was easy for him to turn... but the moment we reconnected face to face it was like it never happened.

In saying this, I saw a change in him after this. I was also researching BPD and became very good at communication, validating him and his emotions and he really opened up too. Sent me beautiful messages that were really heart felt. I came from a past of playing games with men and not being honest and showing my vulnerability... and here we both were... expressing so much and communicating so well. It felt good.

The bond deepened and communication was almost daily. He left a toothbrush at my house, pyjamas, I even gave him some house keys for a period of time to my house which he was happy with. I would cook for him... I could feel our connection grow naturally and the bond deepen significantly without us having to have 'the are we dating conversation' We were both very happy, he would make boyfriend comments in movies about him and i and I was on cloud nine. He told me he confided mainly to one of his siblings about everything he goes through and about me, and he said his sibling supports our relationship and thinks I am good for him. I also liked hearing this.

That was until a week ago when he started withdrawing, which was after things had been going so well and he stayed over at my house overnight and into the day. At this point things were going so well it was getting intense and i could feel the relationship was progressing really well. When he came over this particular time, He told me that night there were things on his mind but he said didn't want to get into it. He also said I had nothing to worry about and it was just 'the usual sh** going on in his head'. After living my house that next day... .by that night he was distancing  Since then (1.5 weeks) I have been texting him to keep contact, ask him how he is feeling and he has been responsive. Since my last post, I did message him and we were texting all night. He told me he feels like his mind is playing tricks on him he thinks he wants another ex back, acknowledging its a cycle and he's 'just trying to get through it'.

Even though I was absolutely devastated, I knew this wasn't the right time to discuss me so i just tried to reassure him, He said he feels like he needs to hide, break the 'cycle', and he was not talking or seeing anyone... so I acknowledged I was grateful he was responding to me in this time and I was hoping he was ok. he said alone time is what seems to work for him and also thanked me for messaging but he didn't want to get into any of the details. It sounds like he has been isolating himself from everything and that I may have been one of the only people he has been communicating with.

So now... .here i am... .
2nd time... .a different ex he is confused about. I am terrified - however I think of the emotions we both have when we are around each other and I feel like i have nothing to worry about.

I just hate how he entertains these thoughts... that could potentially push me away for good... .

In the meantime, i did not reply to his last text last night. I was thinking to leave it for a few days and check in on him again and then aim to see him face to face. I know this is when -pending on his headspace the time I need to set some boundaries and have a conversation with him. If we just let this thing between us grow it will be amazing.

Reading up on BPD and watching videos, riding journal articles is making me feel good. I actually once showed him the book I bought about BOD he was so shocked he also asked to borrow it from me. I feel like the fact i look into this makes him happy and i could see he was pleased.

When he needs his time I work out, go to the gym, educate myself on this, so when I see him I feel good and have some knowledge behind me that explains his behaviour.

But any advice... .anything... .would be good... .
I don't want to run... .we have actually gotten so far... .I want to stay...

[MaybeMaybeNot]

So now... .here i am... .
2nd time... .a different ex he is confused about. I am terrified - however I think of the emotions we both have when we are around each other and I feel like i have nothing to worry about.

I understand your pain and FEAR. I have to ask you what kind people were your parents? How was their marriage? Was it stable and safe? Does this situation where you are right now feels familiar to you? I am asking these questions because I have a feeling that what you are experiencing right now might have something to do with trauma bonding. This is not necessarily the case, I just encourage you to take closer look to that possibility. Everything you told in your last post indicates that you are in a risk of getting seriously hurt. It is very good that you take good care of yourself right now. Ultimately, this is up to you. Are you okay with what he is doing? Are you hoping that he will change in the future? We have only this present moment that we are living right now. And right now the reality is what it is. Do you accept that? Are you fine with that? Or, is this more like an addiction? Or is this love?

Keep digging deeper and you will find your answers. And then you know what decision is best for you. And please, continue putting yourself in priority. I hope this situation will be resolved soon, so you don´t have to live in constant fear and worry.

[vm87]

I understand your pain and FEAR.

I have to ask you what kind people were your parents? How was their marriage? Was it stable and safe? Does this situation where you are right now feels familiar to you?

I come from a Mediterranean background which is very family orientated. Extende dfamily and family were always around, very social, supportive and loving environments. My parents were quite traditional and provided by siblings and I with a great childhood. It was very stable and safe and we were constantly surrounded by loved ones. I personally spent a lot of time growing up with my grandparents too, so I feel like they instilled lots of good values and morals with me growing up.

This situation that I am experiencing now doesn't feel familiar.

I know I have to set boundaries and that I am risk of getting hurt, but I am waiting to do that at the right time when he isn't in this emotional state.

[CautiousHope]

It sounds like you are doing a lot of great things for both you and him, that's great. The thing about boundaries, especially with BPD, is that there may never be a time that "feels" right. Unfortunately, even with people who don't have BPD, asserting boundaries can be difficult. People don't like being limited, which is what makes asserting boundaries so challenging for many of us, because who wants to upset people? It's good to remember that we have a right to protect ourselves, always, no matter how awake the BPD is in our loved one at any given time. Sometimes that means their reaction might be intense, but we still have the right and the responsibility to put ourselves first. I don't feel that I struggle much with boundaries in my day to day life, but I did early on (and still do sometimes) with my pwBPD because of those reactions. It can be scary and you don't want to make them feel worse when they are already hurting. It helps me to remind myself that the boundaries are also good for him, both in setting a good example of what healthy boundaries look like and also by helping him to regulate himself.

[vm87]

It sounds like you are doing a lot of great things for both you and him, that's great.

Thank you for your advice! A lot of good points and things to think about.
But at this time where he is 'ghosting', or in the withdrawal and has told me he needs time to get out of the 'cycle' in his head and 'hide away' is it best for me to leave him and let him come to me now?
It has been a few days since our last contact and I must say since I have been using this time to focus on myself, recharge, got to the gym etc I am feeling a lot better.
I do not want to take on the role as the 'nurse' or his 'counsellor' but his girl.
In saying this I thought it may be best to not check up on his like I normally do every 3 - 4 days and let him clear his head and come to me... As he said only he can get himself out of this mood.

Any advice on this would be appreciated.

[CautiousHope]

Ah, I see what you're saying.

I think if he has said that he can get himself out of it, then respecting his space is probably the best choice, yes. Sometimes support or reaching out can feel more like pressure, and that can have the opposite effect that we'd like. It seems to me that you have a pretty clear understanding of the situation and your partner is expressing himself with self-awareness and those are both things that can be difficult to come by in these relationships.

How are you feeling about all of this? I know that when my pwBPD pushes me away it can be hard to wait around wondering what is going to happen with us.

[vm87]

Ah, I see what you're saying.

I think if he has said that he can get himself out of it, then respecting his space is probably the best choice, yes. Sometimes support or reaching out can feel more like pressure, and that can have the opposite effect that we'd like. It seems to me that you have a pretty clear understanding of the situation and your partner is expressing himself with self-awareness and those are both things that can be difficult to come by in these relationships.

How are you feeling about all of this? I know that when my pwBPD pushes me away it can be hard to wait around wondering what is going to happen with us.

Thanks for your reply.

I usually text every few days and i can see how that can put pressure on. It has been a week since my last text to him and I feel like i am giving him space - which is unusual for me. I am definitely feeling his absence and missing him a lot.

I am feeling a bit anxious about this. especially since he told me he is getting confused emotions about an ex that has been on and off with him before. He said he feels like his brain is playing tricks on him and he knows he has to snap out of the cycle. I feel like my absence may help him get out of this emotional state quicker but am also wary that I may be actually abandoning in his eyes or failing the test, even though I have reassured him many times that I care about him and I want to be with him.

I have been keeping very busy and trying to be distracted...
trying to give him space that he said he needed but now i feel like i am really missing him and not too sure what to do.

[CautiousHope]

I think it's understandable that you're anxious, it's an unusual circumstance for most relationships - but not so unusual with BPD. It's kind of up to us to decide how much we're willing or want to bend, otherwise the disorder can sort of run over us and our loved ones. Have you thought about how long you want to wait or what you might need if there are going to be extended absences like this?

[Forearmed]

This is quite sad to read and vm87 is clearly a very nice girl very much into her guy (who appears a decent enough person himself). I have been here, and made the 'mistake' of doing what any normal non would do - which is to look to support (all too often interpreted as extra pressure by the BPD).

What needs to be factored in, is how much you want to give to a situation that will inevitably give you less and less back?  The BPD will not only dysregulate naturally... .but outside of those periods will learn rationally exactly what he can get away with! This is where the syndrome becomes so frustrating. Either you increasingly surrender to having a relationship where the other partner takes less responsibilty - AND feels more engulfed the closer you get. Or you decide you're not up for sacrificing 'yourself' ultimately, and carrying on with life  knowing you'll only get involved again with someone who can handle a decently reciprocal relationship dynamic.   

[Shawnlam]

Hi all,
I've been romantically involved with my guy for almost 3 months.
He has been quite honest with his BPD and I feel he is expressing when he is feeling 'in his head' and his moods. I can see amigo increase in his trust, opens and increase in good moods and positive emotions.

Although last week he told me he had things on his mind and since then has been in his withdrawal state. I messaged him and he told me he hasn't been in a mood to do anything or talk to anyone. I have been reading lots of BPD books and doing a lot of research and sent him a very supportive text. He was responding and said he needed to be alone for now as it is what helps him get out of it and get better.
It's been 4 days since that message... I want to check in... I miss him... .
I just need some advice.

Although tuff to do I’ve seen first hand what time does to help in these cases and I mean that from the person who has BPD perspective.My ex has told me they sometimes just need that time alone to calm down their emotional train,it’s not against you or the Non BPD partners.Even the slightest text ,email,calm restimulates a huge emotional kickoff,don’t forget they have a hard time regulating their emotions .Even normal people like myself sometimes just need to check out once in a while ,I’m sure after a week or so you should hear back from him .

[spacecadet]

You sound like a lovely, giving person and one to be appreciated for your dedication to this very new r/s. You want to see it through, and many of us "nons" (non-disordered) are prone to be responsible, we give people the benefit of the doubt, and give a relationship our all before we walk away -- otherwise we're plagued with "what if's." You're following your heart which is what good people do.

A couple of cautionary notes about comments you made that stand out. There are more, but these two in particular.

a) He is ruminating over not one, but two different ex's and this causes him to "ghost" or withdraw. Yes it's good that he's open with you about it but this would be very concerning to me. All of us have ex's that may interfere with the new and blossoming love r/s, but to shut out the new love is not fruitful, not the best way to handle the inner conflict.

Even though I was absolutely devastated, I knew this wasn't the right time to discuss me

b) This. Be aware that with a person whose needs run this deep, it may NEVER be the right time to discuss "you". Be careful about going down the rabbit hole. You can put "you" aside right now, but what if next week is still not the right time, or next month or next year?

The first few months of the r/s should be fun, light-hearted and relatively easy. This man already disappeared once, three years ago. Then he popped up.  Sad but true, that odds are, having BP he is "recycling" and the ultimate push-pull pattern will not really change.

Do you want and deserve someone this focused on his own needs? Or do you prefer a man who can show up, day after day, year after year? Assume that he'll always be this needy. Will he, at some point seem to you not a man but a little boy, and if so how attractive is that person as a lover and partner?

Just some questions to ponder, it's up to you to find answers. Wishing you all good things.