Really breaking down here.

[Catlady3.14]

Ugh... So those who know me know my story.

Kids leaving tomorrow. BPD husband. NC with FOO. Isolated and alone.

My kids leaving is going to isolate me further, as I won't even have them to ask me how my day was/ how theirs was or converse with normal people. Not hating and raging at me, about me, to me.

Husband is in a bad mood. Cussing me earlier. Then getting progressively madder.
I just ignore, it seems all I can do.
Hee tried to bait me into a fight with my son last night. Son did do semi well but tried to explain. I said don't be defensive. And he stopped and let husband go on.

I cook dinner he leaves 10 minutes before it's done. And visits a friend who is leaving in the mornin.
I downloaded an app to message my kids over the summer. I message him to let him know I now have a number.
Well he tells me he's not downloading sh+t and don't ducking text hi!m.
So I say okay well you don't have to download anything.
He starts racing and taking things that are "his"
Smokes and stuff .

He said he spent too may nights in a car because of me and I can take my kids and get the duck out sleep in that or leave. Go with them.
I said where's the key.
Because at this point he'd take the key, when I have to meet my kids dad tomorrow morning.
He throws it on the floor.
I tried one more time. To validate his feelings or the ones I thought he was having.
Are you stressed because of kids leaving and his friend.
Then he says a bunch of mean crap. A good woman wouldn't do things I've done. I should go back to my ex.  He would have peace because I never wanted him... Blah blah blah.

I've heard it all. I'm numb to it. But I'm so close to wanting to leave I just want to run,but I have no where to go. God I wish I could escape! Sadly i can't provide for my kids if I left.
And I wasn't planning anything but dropping my kids off with their dad and making sure I could stay in touch.( A lot of time I have no service just wifi)
But when he is like this I want to run away.

He starts texting me( in that number he said for me not to message him on) That he knew I was goi mg to start sh+t and I'm going to take his son and he knows it.
(Me leaving him is taking his son because he refuses to acknowledge him as his son of we are seperated.
That's not my fault if he doesn't want a part in his kids life.)
He's going to bed. If course the baby goes up with him and he tells at me to get out. And I say so you have the baby. He replied he's where he wants to be leave me the f alone.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Catlady3.14, that sounds like an intensely stressful and painful situation to be going through. I'm so sorry you have to face this.

How old are your children, and where are they leaving for? What are their feelings vis-a-vis your husband and his behaviors?

Your feelings of isolation concern me the most. I understand this part very deeply since I live in my wife's country and have absolutely no one here. Is there no one you can discuss the situation with, such as friends, family, religious organization? If not, do you have the time / resources to see a therapist to at least have an outlet for your feelings?

~Roland 

[Catlady3.14]

I've tried so hard to get to therapy. Long story short, I am trying to get in again, but I'm not optimistic.
Son 13
Daughter 11
Son 3
Step son 17

They'll be 800 miles away from me with their dad.
I'm so sad to see them go. But I'm so happy they won't have to deal with this crazy sh+t from husband.
And the stress it produces from me. And for them.
He stayed in the room for about an hour last night then came down and started in on me.
HE THREW ME OUT. TOLD ME TO GO and if I stayed he'd pop the tires. And if my kids dad came to His house he would kick his butt. So ridiculous!
And told me he would lock me out and never come back.
Then he turned it around to Our 3 year old that I was leaving. taking him away and  That he wouldn't be seeing him and so on
Ranting to me about my being a pig and who're and how I'd been planning this imaginary abandonment for months and that he's done wi th me.
. I tried to validate and listen to him and ask him why he thought that. the conversation just kept spinning around to something else, within 30 seconds he was fussing about something totally off the wall.
It was escalating quick and not calming down.

Me and three kids spent the night in the car!
It's early so I know he is asleep. And we snuck home to get the rest of their stuff and food. He left the doors unlocked.
I don't want to be here though it's awful.
I have to meet their dad later.


I'm so tired. Physically emotionally and mentally.
I just don't know how much more I can take.
I was trying to look forward to having this time with just him and I and our son.
Now my 3 year old keeps aski mg me why dad gonna pop my tires?

thank you for responding. I couldn't imagine dealing with pwBPD and being out of my own country, that's a lot Roland. Outside of therapy, what do you do to have an outlet?

 I don't believe in religion, but I said I may go to a church close to me... I think I'm going to have to take that step. Though I can't imagine telling people about these things. Just for activities and such.
I have no one. No family or friends and couldn't trust the one's I recently contacted.

I just feel so lost sometimes. I keep telling myself that if it isn't seriously improved when 3 yr old is in school I'm leaving, but I don't think I'll last that long.

[Harri]

Hi again Catlady.  I am so sorry to hear that things are again in a spiral right now. 

I don't believe in religion, but I said I may go to a church close to me... I think I'm going to have to take that step. Though I can't imagine telling people about these things. Just for activities and such.
I have no one. No family or friends and couldn't trust the one's I recently contacted.

You don't have to believe in religion to go to church.  It is vital that you build ties in real life.  I don't mean someone you can tell all your secrets to though.  I mean someone you can exchange greetings with, a smile, maybe a cup of coffee, just some human interaction.  Getting involved in activities with the church is an excellent idea.  You will need to continue to get out as much as you can so you can clear your mind, relax, think of something else rather than focus on your husband and your situation all day. 

Do you have a key of your own for the car?  I ask because I think I read somewhere that you asked your husband for the key once.  I think, if you can, it would be a good idea to have one of your own that you keep in a safe place.  What do you think? 

One thing about your kids going away for the summer:  Remember, it is any change in stress levels that can affect people on an emotional level.  Even a reduction in stress is a change.  With the kids home, it is both a distraction from your situation but also a lot more stress to deal with just in terms of logistics.  With them away safe, there is a change in the stress level.  That difference from what the both of you are used to in addition to your husbands uBPD and even your own PMDD can be a source of stress in and of itself.

I don't mention that to minimize your experience but sometimes it helps to know some of what may be contributing to the dysregulation.  Again there is no justification for what he is doing, but sometimes taking the mystery away and making sense of things can help.  If this does not apply to you, please disregard.

In addition to going to church what else can you think of that is within your reach and that will help?  I know you do a lot of walking and you have mentioned going to the library.  Are you still doing those things?

[RolandOfEld]

Dear Catlady,

Hearing about you and the kids sleeping in the car absolutely broke my heart. I have been kicked out of the house once, locked out with the kids for a few minutes, but I can't think of anything as awful as you and your children having to go through that. And to have to sneak in to get food! Were the kids with you in the car because you were afraid he would do something to them if they stayed in the house?  Is there any history of violence towards you or the children?

I'm also curious to hear what the barrier to you going into therapy is. Does your husband stop you? Or is it a financial issue?

In terms of outlets, bpdfamily has been my biggest support by a mile. But at the end of the day we also need people we can see face to face. Though I don't have the financial resources to sustain counseling for very long, at least one of the counselors I've worked with is OK to take phone calls from me for free when things get too hairy or I have a question. I am also lucky that some of my family is very supportive and will listen over email or phone even though they are 8000 miles away.  

I have also told my story to a police officer at my local station who gave me his card and said I could call him directly if there is any trouble.

Catlady, I started this out believing I was completely alone, too. But as time went on I discovered I wasn't nearly as alone as I thought. I fully support Harri's suggestion to get involved with a church. And I don't know what country you live in, but I think the likelihood of there being some kind of support group for family members of people with mental illness are quite high.

Following on Harri's suggestion of a backup key, do you have access to money in case of an emergency, like if you needed to put up in a hotel for a night?

And can you share a bit more about your family / friends situation? Do you really have no one, or just no one near where you live?

Sorry, that's an awful lot of questions. If you can help to fill in some of the gaps I think I can give more specific suggestions. 

~ROE

[Catlady3.14]

Thanks Harri and Roland.

I'll try to answer all. Pmdd is a huge factor for me physically and mentally. It's been very exhausting and fight for me the last few days and I have a few more days to get through it.

The only therapy I can get into is with state Medicaid. And basically if I'm not willing to throw myself on a knife I can't see a therapist as often as I need to.
I was late, due to weather, to my mental assessment and the therapist would not see me. I asked to talk to her and she refused. I felt awful. but ok have to set up an appt. With her to see another therapist. A car is limited. A nd money t oo.
I only have one car (legally both of our names are on it)
One key. And it's 250$ for a replacement so it's out of reach right for me right now.
I have no income.
And I had previously NC  with my FOO but I have been trying to touch base with my family again. Husband is not involved nor will he speak to me about my family.
I have no friends at all. My mother in law is here and sister in law. But husband pushes them away. So me see each other vary rarely. Text basic stuff.

He has left and spent many nights in the car. No because I had made him but because he leaves. And he use to make his son pack all his things and he would sleep in the car as well. Its awful.
But he has never thrown me out. I wonder why. Is it that he is truly done. Or did he just want to push my boundaries as far as they'd go?

Because he did this the night before my kids were leaving for the first time in their lives.  Idk.

Since then he has barricaded hi!self in a room upstairs, coming down but not speaking looking at me.
 and  yesterday he sat at the table  played " Maggie May" pretty loudly as if playing it for me. Then he started to sit in the livingroom and he has been helpful with baby more than usual. I made sure to take advantage of cleaning or walking the dogs when he stepped in to play with baby.
I've cooked and cleaned and had baby all day but finding I don't  feel like talking to him or dealing with him. I'm tired and exhausted and I doubt it's do any good.
Beside what would I say?

I guess really his" imaginary" abandonment isn't so imaginary.
 
I have basically been treating him like a room mate. I make decisions on my own that were previously given to "us" to decide on.
Facebook. Going places. money. Talking to my ex about my kids. Medications. Having a phone. Birth control.
Things he shouldn't have had a say over but did. And before I rather not have those things then deal with his anger. But I deal with it anyway so why punish myself further.
I didn't ask him or discuss things with him because he's too controlling and gets mad.  

I don't think he would hurt the kids. But he rages and vents and it was easier to just leave and not fight then for me to hand him the key. He wouldn't have given it back. I would have had to walk my kids to meet their dad. With suitcases. Because he threatened to kick his butt if he came to our house.
Just walking away. Was best.
I told him he was not throwing me and the baby in the street as we have no where else to go.


The only good thing out of the last few days is that my ex did get the kids and they are safe. And I met his wife and she seems really nice. And the kids really like her. I told her thank you for having my kids this summer and I was glad they had a good step mom and dad to take care of the m.
she's kept me posted about their days and stuff. It's been sweet. Weird granted.Lol But very nice.

I've not been able to get out as much as i  like to since starting this new medicine a few weeks ago. It's been a change. But I plan on getting back out there . The baby is going to need entertainment.
I hope that didn't bounce around too much. Like  I said I'm really foggy today and pain is amping up a bit!
I hope my medicine continues to work.

[Harley Quinn]

Catlady I'm so sorry to hear about your ordeal just as the kids were going away.  That had to be awful for all of you. 

It sounds like there are possibly two things going on here with your husband's behaviour.  He may well see your sending the kids away as part of a bigger picture where you intend to leave also and whilst this is in his imagination, it will feel very real to him.  There could be an opportunity to validate this feeling, so it's worth watching for that. 

Secondly, it sounds like you've been doing a great job in taking back some control of things that are personal to you and don't belong within his control.  He may resent that and what you're experiencing following implementing these boundaries and not doing what you normally would to reinforce his behaviour could be what's known as an extinction burst, where behaviour temporarily gets worse before it improves.

Does shutting himself away happen often when he's had a rage?  If so, what would you usually do?  Out of interest, would he normally come out behaving more calmly and rationally or still in a bad mood?  It's good that you've left him to it to self soothe instead of trying to make things better for him.  I've more to say, but will let you respond to this before I continue.  Hang in there.  Things can get better for you, whatever happens with the r/s. 

Love and light x