New and don't know what to do

[bloodbought]

Hello,

I am new to online support groups but this seems to be a way I might be able to communicate and get some information about living with someone with this disorder.

Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Beren2016]

Welcome

it is good to see you reach out looking for guidance and i know that many people on here will help you out with any questions or situations that may come up. i have been help on here many time and this board has provided a safe place for me to ask for advice and voice anything that i am feeling... .


may i suggest that you look at column " loving a high conflict person" on the right hand side of the screen and the lessons section there is a lot of extremely helpful and insightful material there and i has helped me alot over the years.

but posting on these boards has helped me the most and the advice that i have found there has been invaluable to me

i hope this helps you

[WileyCoyote]

Hi Blood!  


You are in the right place.  There are numerous resources here to just read, but just as valuable is the insight you will receive from others here.  Truths will be gently handed to you here.

Can you tell us more about the issues in your relationship?

[pearlsw]

Hi bloodbought,

Let me join Beren2016 and WileyCoyote in welcoming you to the community!

Oh sure, this is a great place to get support! We're all in this together! None of us need suffer alone.

What's going on in your relationship?

take care, pearl.

[bloodbought]

Thank you all for your responses!  I have actually been feeling very alone and I think this support group will do a lot of good for me.  My relationship with my husband started out great and our first 8 or 9 years together went by without too many destructive behaviors.  I did find out that he's always been using marijuana behind my back even when we seemingly got along better together.  There has also been pornography.  When we first married, he knew that he was not good with money, records, etc. so I took care of those things and we had some sort of normalcy for a while with periods of extreme arguing.  Throughout this time, we had four children.  Ten years into the marriage, we moved to a very rural part of Tennessee so that we could have land and raise our children in the country.  We became more and more isolated as time went by and our lives became even further out of whack.  With no family to be accountable to, he became extremely controlling.  Then I began drinking and his controlling became even worse.  My drinking started out slowly but for about a year or year and a half, it was really bad.  He began restricting every single thing I did and moved all the money out of our joint checking account into an account of his own.  For the last six years now, he has been handing me out money for everything he perceives that I need.  Not what I tell him I need, but only those things that he decides I need. In 2014, I checked myself into the psych ward at Vanderbilt and that marked the end of my destructive behaviors with alcohol.  I have been in therapy for the most part since 2012 but without much help really.  But a year and a half ago, my husband's father died and through a series of events motivated by his desire to get out of our mortgage, we have now moved into his parents old house near family again.  This has ended our 13 years of isolation on a farm in rural TN.  The first few months were spent with me just coping and barely surviving living with him in the same house again.  He had moved out into our camper and lived there for four years before we moved back near family, so I had grown unaccustomed to being in the same house for 24 hours a day with him.  But now his behavior is becoming more and more apparent to others.  I had also found an old book that was given to me years ago called Walking On Eggshells.  That book led me to do internet searches on BPD, which led me to this site.  I feel this is a gift from God because I would have died if I had stayed out there on that farm in TN.  And my children have grown up with all of this.  I just need a safe place to sort through things as I'm thinking I am also co-dependent.  I'm not sure why none of my therapists ever mentioned any of this to me before!

[WileyCoyote]

Hi Blood,
   It sounds to me like your H went from "helpless" to "controlling".  Interestingly the helplessness can be a form of control all by itself, to get you to do things that they just don't feel like doing.  Something to think about.

Something else to think about can be found at this link.  What do you think about this?
Anything resonate with you?  It did with me.

Relationship Spectrum

Also, good job in addressing your drinking. Be proud of yourself. It is a brave thing to do.  I am a recovering alcoholic myself, and I know I forget to do that for myself sometimes. You are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.  Plus, there is no way to better the relationship if you aren't thinking as clearly as you can be.

[bloodbought]

Thank you.  I appreciate it and will read the link.  I've wondered sometimes about some of the things you mentioned.

[WileyCoyote]

Great!  

Something to consider when seeing a therapist and feeling like they aren't helping.  it is like any relationship and it needs to be good fit between the personalities of the client and patient.  Sometimes you just have to see a bunch of different therapists until you find the right one.  Who you feel like really sees you and what is going on.  No shame in shopping around.  Plus, they are used to it.

You say you are/were in therapy?   Are you currently seeing a T on a consistent basis? If not consider looking for one.

If you are in T, talk with them about ways you can break free from the isolation.

If not in T,  try to think about the things YOU like to do.  Are there things that you have put to the side that brought you joy in order to appease your H?  Try to slowly do those things.  Find people with common interests while doing those things that you can potentially form friendships with.  Reach out to old friends. If you are active in AA, try to  form friendships there, and go to more of there activities (dances, etc) DON"T go it alone.

You can do this.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi blood,

What are your thoughts after looking at the relationship spectrum? Wiley Coyote has made some excellent suggestions above. I'm also interested to know what your support network is like amongst the family you're now closer to again? Are they seeing his behaviour and what if so is their response to that?

Love and light x