I went NC

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

You've all been so helpful as I've jumped all over these boards last several months, thank you! After 3 years of chaos, I'm ready to try (again)"detaching" with exBPDgf31.

In 3 years, she's had 4 hospitalizations, and 3 stints in a psych facility. 90 days in an addiction rehabilitation center, and several months in a halfway house.

I've been terrified when she's disappeared for days, especially when she refused to evacuate with me from the center of a Cat 4 hurricane. Always, she turned up a week or so later, calling from a psyche ward. The stories of how she got there are always traumatic.

I've met with doctors therapists and social workers on her behalf, though I'm not her wife, not her mother. I've had to call police on her, had to call ambulance for her. In the past 3 years, I've let this woman put her hands on me--and goad me into putting my hands on her, destroy my property, call me names, eat up my resources, break promises, disappear. Mostly, she's just made me sick with worry and sadness. I loved her and wanted her.

We've broke up, got back together. We've lived together, we've lived 45 minutes apart, and we've lived long-distance. Nothing seems to snap her out of her self-sabotaging behavior. Between the uBPD, bipolar, heavy drinking and drug use, I'm fighting a losing battle. 

Our 3rd date lasted 3 days and was amazing. For a while, she lived with me, she had a sailboat, she attended classes at community college, she held a part-time job, had a motorcycle. Eventually, she lost it all, some through her own fault, some not. For months now, she's been in a halfway house 5 hours away, not taking taking classes, no job, just living off disability pay and food stamps.     

I thought she was about to take a step in the right direction--She accepted a job in another state! It meant we'd only see each other a few times a year if we could manage it. I was both relieved and heartbroken at the idea of so much distance between us, but she sounded as if she was looking forward to the change of scenery, so I supported her decision. 

She was going to come to me, say goodbye, get her stuff from my place, and go. Instead, she went on a drug binge (I didn't ask if it was molly or meth this time) which resulted in another hospitalization. Again, she just disappeared on me, leaving me to think she might be dead, while I messaged her frantically from the bus stop.

If she managed her mental illness better, complied with her meds, stayed off street drugs, got a job, went to therapy etc., I totally would put a ring on it. She is gorgeous, sweet, talented, funny, interesting, and a gifted lover. She's taught me to have patience and forgiveness and I've found within myself a capacity for unconditional love.

But now, I've blocked her on phone and facebook. I let her know that I am doing this, and that she still can email me at an address I only check every few days. I still want to get her things to her, she doesn't have much and she's lost enough. Plus, I don't want her to feel so desperate for contact that she decides to jump on a bus or rent a car and show up here, which I could see her doing. I'm still a little worried that will happen, not sure how I'd handle it.

Nothing I do helps her. Therefore nothing I do can hurt her either, really, I hope. But this isn't about her, it's about me. I obsess over her. I'm addicted to her sexually. I'm seeing a therapist this week, though therapy has never done much for me in the past, I gotta talk about this to someone (besides the nice folk in the forum) and my friends are sick of hearing it. I'm ruminating, I'm lonely, but that's par for the course in this situation, so I'm not freaking out about it.

[Lady Itone]

You've all been so helpful as I've jumped all over these boards last several months, thank you! After 3 years of chaos, I'm ready to try (again)"detaching" with exBPDgf31.

In 3 years, she's had 4 hospitalizations, and 3 stints in a psych facility. 90 days in an addiction rehabilitation center, and several months in a halfway house.

I've been terrified when she's disappeared for days, especially when she refused to evacuate with me from the center of a Cat 4 hurricane. Always, she turned up a week or so later, calling from a psyche ward. The stories of how she got there are always traumatic.

I've met with doctors therapists and social workers on her behalf, though I'm not her wife, not her mother. I've had to call police on her, had to call ambulance for her. In the past 3 years, I've let this woman put her hands on me--and goad me into putting my hands on her, destroy my property, call me names, eat up my resources, break promises, disappear. Mostly, she's just made me sick with worry and sadness. I loved her and wanted her.

We've broke up, got back together. We've lived together, we've lived 45 minutes apart, and we've lived long-distance. Nothing seems to snap her out of her self-sabotaging behavior. Between the uBPD, bipolar, heavy drinking and drug use, I'm fighting a losing battle. 

Our 3rd date lasted 3 days and was amazing. For a while, she lived with me, she had a sailboat, she attended classes at community college, she held a part-time job, had a motorcycle. Eventually, she lost it all, some through her own fault, some not. For months now, she's been in a halfway house 5 hours away, not taking taking classes, no job, just living off disability pay and food stamps.     

I thought she was about to take a step in the right direction--She accepted a job in another state! It meant we'd only see each other a few times a year if we could manage it. I was both relieved and heartbroken at the idea of so much distance between us, but she sounded as if she was looking forward to the change of scenery, so I supported her decision. 

She was going to come to me, say goodbye, get her stuff from my place, and go. Instead, she went on a drug binge (I didn't ask if it was molly or meth this time) which resulted in another hospitalization. Again, she just disappeared on me, leaving me to think she might be dead, while I messaged her frantically from the bus stop.

If she managed her mental illness better, complied with her meds, stayed off street drugs, got a job, went to therapy etc., I totally would put a ring on it. She is gorgeous, sweet, talented, funny, interesting, and a gifted lover. She's taught me to have patience and forgiveness and I've found within myself a capacity for unconditional love.

But now, I've blocked her on phone and facebook. I let her know that I am doing this, and that she still can email me at an address I only check every few days. I still want to get her things to her, she doesn't have much and she's lost enough. Plus, I don't want her to feel so desperate for contact that she decides to jump on a bus or rent a car and show up here, which I could see her doing. I'm still a little worried that will happen, not sure how I'd handle it.

Nothing I do helps her. Therefore nothing I do can hurt her either, really, I hope. But this isn't about her, it's about me. I obsess over her. I'm addicted to her sexually. I'm seeing a therapist this week, though therapy has never done much for me in the past, I gotta talk about this to someone (besides the nice folk in the forum) and my friends are sick of hearing it. I'm ruminating, I'm lonely, but that's par for the course in this situation, so I'm not freaking out about it.

[Mutt]

Hi Lady Itone,

If she managed her mental illness better, complied with her meds, stayed off street drugs, got a job, went to therapy etc

I think that it’s a wise choice to go no contact I’d suggest to take it a step further and block the email for your sake. It’s been said many times it’s better to remove yourself from her network if she has people that enable her dysfunctional behaviour there’s no reason to function better.

Removing yourself from her network is an act keep kindness if there is one less person in the picture maybe it wil’ speed things up if she gets help for herself, she has to hit rock bottom it’s hard to hear that a lot of us here are caretaker types it’s hard to inflict pain on others. I’m also glad to hear that you recognize that you’re doing it for yourself.