29 year marriage on the ropes

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Not sure where to start. I've just recently figured out that I am not crazy after 29 years of my spouse telling me that I'm crazy, that I'm the cause of all her problems, and that I'm no good. Yes, 29 years to finally figure out that all the obsessive yelling and screaming at me was not coming from a rational, sane person. Finally figured out that all my angry responses, attempts to reason, and pacify were dead-end rabbit trails that drove me into depression and confusion. Moreover, realizing that narcissism is also one of the common traits that those with BPD are infected with has helped me answer lots of questions. My problem now is figuring out the when and how to get out of this trainwreck.

[Afterallthistime]

Not sure where to start. I've just recently figured out that I am not crazy after 29 years of my spouse telling me that I'm crazy, that I'm the cause of all her problems, and that I'm no good. Yes, 29 years to finally figure out that all the obsessive yelling and screaming at me was not coming from a rational, sane person. Finally figured out that all my angry responses, attempts to reason, and pacify were dead-end rabbit trails that drove me into depression and confusion. Moreover, realizing that narcissism is also one of the common traits that those with BPD are infected with has helped me answer lots of questions. My problem now is figuring out the when and how to get out of this trainwreck.

[Spaceweasel]

Not sure where to start. I've just recently figured out that I am not crazy after 29 years of my spouse telling me that I'm crazy, that I'm the cause of all her problems, and that I'm no good. Yes, 29 years to finally figure out that all the obsessive yelling and screaming at me was not coming from a rational, sane person. Finally figured out that all my angry responses, attempts to reason, and pacify were dead-end rabbit trails that drove me into depression and confusion. Moreover, realizing that narcissism is also one of the common traits that those with BPD are infected with has helped me answer lots of questions. My problem now is figuring out the when and how to get out of this trainwreck.

Hey, welcome aboard. I'm sorry that it's under such bad circumstances but I guess that's always gonna be the case around here.  Since you say you're looking for an exit, you might be better served in the ":)etaching from a Failed Relationship" subsite. Around here it's mostly people who either feel like something makes it impossible to detach (kids, finances, etc.) or like me are on the fence trying to decide which way to fall.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi PBailey, 

I'm sorry to hear of all the conflict in your family. It must be quite a relief to find out about BPD and to consider the possibility that your W may have it. It helps to explain what has gone on, doesn't it?

Tell me how you are dealing with the situation, things to help you survive. Are you in individual T to help yourself?

Glad you are here! 

Wools

[RolandOfEld]

Hi PBailey and let me join everyone in welcoming you! 

I can fully empathize with the feeling of discovering the truth about your relationship after being together so long. At first it seems freeing, but its also very scary as we look back over the past and see things were not as we thought they were. It gets better. Don't lose hope!

May I confirm, do you want to get advice on how to remove yourself from the relationship, or to change / improve the situation?

~ROE

[Enabler]

My problem now is figuring out the when and how to get out of this trainwreck.

Morning PB,

Welcome aboard the bpdfamily train. Hopefully you will find this ride considerably smoother, more rational and has a clearer sense of direction than the rollercoaster you have been on for the last 29 years. You will find many many people here who feel they have had a eureka moment discovering BPD, and for many this is literally life changing. "Getting out of this trainwreck" doesn't necessarily mean jumping overboard, running for the hills and never looking back, it could mean something different... .BUT... .and this is the best bit... .you get to work that out and choose for yourself.

There is a fire in your family home, you can tell us whether it's an inferno and the roof is falling in... .or it's slowly smoldering in the corner of the room choking you with noxious smoke, you can still see the TV but it's really stinging your eyes and giving you a terrible cough. Each persons situation is different. Running out the house and evacuating the street might be unwise  in the latter situation, especially since it's actually you who keeps throwing bits of paper on the small fire feeding the beast that chokes you.

Stay a while, talk, ask questions, learn, get a level footing. 29 years is a long time and I'm guessing you are battle weary.

Enabler

[Jack_50]

Hi PB,

Welcome to the club.

Allow me to explain my point of view; I might be wrong, but I am going off the details you mentioned.  You can decide whether you still want to get out, but at least you'll have more clarity of what's going on.

To start with : I think most men end up in this street.  To my idea, this is just a symptom of one of the basic incompatibilities between men and women; if you're not aware of these, it leads to lots of misunderstandings, frustration and problems.

It is just a consequence of basic differences between the sexes.  Not pointing fingers, but I think that men and women do not have the same basic principles, as we start from a totally different biological role and the result of a long evolutionary specialization in each of these.

My point : your wife is following very different principles in life than you.  When she talks, it is often to express an emotion.  What exactly she says is less important than how the message is conveyed to you; she is trying to connect with you on an emotional level, because that is what most women do by default.  She wants to make it clear to you how she feels, and is frustrated that she does not seem to get through to you for all these years.
If she says you are crazy, it means that she does not understand how you think and why you do the things you do. It makes no sense to her, because she sees the world from a woman's perspective, with feelings as one of the primary priorities.  And she is very frustrated because there is still no clarity after all these years, hence the extremity of the emotions.  

Also, from the web, one of the typical mistakes a lot of women make in a relationship is to regard her man as a defective woman.  Just to clarify the perspective she is coming from.  (vice versa is often the same by the way)

So she expects you to react like a woman would : immediate empathy and understanding.  Which does not come.  Hence the confusion and frustration.

Be assured : you are not crazy, you are a man.  With masculine principles and priorities.  You just need to learn to interpret the feeling that she is trying to express.  For most men, this is not an easy thing to do : for me personally, feelings are my  enemy, as they obstruct me from seeing the bare facts (my favorite point of focus).   And when you are directly involved in a discussion, it is hard to take a 3rd person view of the debate and interpret things on the fly.

But I am getting around to seeing the value of feelings in life.  And it is a skill that  definitely can be learned; I am still in the process myself.

And it feels awesome when you master this skill; you are the master of your group again, with full understanding of what's going on.


My 2 cents,


Jack

[Enabler]

Hey Jack,

I read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' in 2003 and thought I'd ticked a few boxes of misunderstanding.

I read 'The Chimp Paradox' in 2016 and thought I understood where my anger was coming from and where she was coming from.

I watched a lot of Tony Robbins where he refers to men being perceived as 'Hairy Women' and understanding our different and often extreme ways we try and get our emotional needs met.

I watched a good slug of Ester Perel to understand infidelity

These were all very helpful in understanding the human psyche and how emotions work. These were all helpful in understanding my situation... .to a point. It didn't explain my wife's long standing (the entire time I have known her (since age 18, 22yrs) and in previous relationships) allergy to shame and guilt, her inability to take responsibility, her passive aggressive behaviour, public rage, physical abuse, her historic self harm, her delusional thoughts, the stories she would invent, her twisting of historical facts I could prove with evidence, her body dysmorphia, dissociation, projection, accusations of abuse, black and white thinking, insatiable sense of entitlement, had an ill defined differentiation between need and want... .it didn't explain why I felt shame and guilt for constantly falling short yet from what I could see I was an attentive emotional husband who's sole objective was to provide an environment where my wife could be happy, meet my wife's needs and be a good honorable man... .yet constantly frustrated to the point of turning into a monster... .No no... .it didn't explain that, but BPD and childhood trauma did. 

I don't believe my situation to be a male/female thing and neither do many of the women on this board.

PB, look forward to hearing from you so we can pad out your experience with some detail so we can help you out here.

Enabler

[Jack_50]

Hello Enabler,

You are right; the behavior cannot be analyzed properly without the history of the person.  I actually took the opposite track : I first learned about BPD, and then learned the mars-venus et al concepts.

But in the end, I think that you cannot only look at the history of a person, and fully understand the person's behavior without taking his/her gender into context.  Misunderstood behavior is a huge source of frustration for many people, exactly because this side is not taken into consideration.

Hence my point.

Back to the OP : can you elaborate a bit more on your situation (kids, house, etc), to allow for a better idea of what you are facing?



Jack