How do you get over the hurtful stuff and let go?

[Kermit]

 Just wondering how everyone deals with the hurtful words, arguments, and silent treatments after the 'episode' is finished.

When my uBPD mom comes back around after months of silent treatment she acts completely normal and does not acknowledge any of the wrong doings and of course no apologies or conversation about what happened.

How do you just get over the hurt on your own? How do you just accept it as is? What are some of the things you tell yourself to feel better about it?

[Notwendy]

It helped me to keep in mind that just because someone says something about me, it isn't necessarily true.

It also helps me to keep in mind that my mother has distorted thinking.

If someone does say something to me that is true- and I have been hurtful, then I can apologize, but if it isn't true then I don't have to feel hurt by it.

Also realize these episodes are like emotional vomit. She gets rid of her bad feelings and feels fine. It is over for her. It's the ones she has said cruel things to that are feeling hurt.  If you have been around a little child having a temper tantrum- they say all kinds of things in the moment, then they feel better. Thankfully children grow past this stage but a person with BPD does not have the skills to manage uncomfortable emotions.

Imagine if someone said something absurd to you- like you are a pink elephant or something very strange like that. Would you feel hurt by that? Probably not, because you are certain that you are not a pink elephant. You would probably think that person was strange.

With are mothers, we tend to accept their thinking- we are raised that way and have poor boundaries with them. It helped me to imagine my mother telling me something strange like pink elephant. I soon was able to recognize her distorted thinking when she did this. I also had boundaries on how much I would listen to. I practiced holding on to the idea that her thinking about me does not define me. It also helps to remember projection- what she says sometimes says more about her than me.

It takes practice but it does work!

[Kermit]

Thank you for all the advice. I really like the 'pink elephant' scenario. I think I will try that! It will help me to stop ruminating over what she actually said.

When start thinking too much about what shes said I'll just say to myself, "Oh man she called me a {pink elephant again}" and it might take some of the power away from her words.

Thanks so much 

[ijustwantpeace]

Like NotWendy says, their thinking is distorted.  Do yourself a huge favor, and never forget their thinking is messed up.  They will never be that kind validating person you want them to be. 

It won't happen.


The won't happen is the hardest part for me to accept because I have lived as a "positive person" my whole life.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Kermit! 

Great questions, and you've gotten some wonderful feedback from notwendy and Ijustwantpeace.

For me, the most helpful thing is something already mentioned: to not let them define you. I was pretty thrilled to discover that this was actually what was taking place when my uBPDm said I was 'selfish and thought only of myself,' or 'a bad girl, or 'read too much' and on the list goes. Those words are hurtful and have power over us... .until we recognize them for what they truly are. They are controlling or attempts at controlling us. We don't have to be controlled though. How great it is that we now get to choose how to respond since we are no longer little children! It is quite helpful to begin to feel empowered, and it does take some time and work to get stronger, but each time you practice, it will get better for you. Your eyes will begin to see more clearly.

 
Wools

[Panda39]

I don't have a BPD mom (I'm here because my SO has an uBPDxw) but had a very critical mom for me understanding that her behaviors weren't about me at all but were about her, helped me to stop taking things so personally. I also had to believe in my own goodness.

For a long time I never felt good enough because I was always criticized, I spent years seeking my mother's approval, and developing some interesting behaviors of my own in the process.  Don't ask for help or what you need because you are dumb, or needy, or simply won't get it.  Ultra responsible, so responsible in fact that I owned things that weren't mine.  Picking partners that I could fix, who had issues worse than mine so I could feel better than them.

As I was going through the end of my divorce (to the alcoholic with a good heart  ) I had kind of a breakdown that became breakthroughs. 

I realized I was a good person, a worthy person just as I am, I had friends in my life that loved the authentic Panda imperfections and all.

I came to realize that my mom's criticisms were about how I reflected on her, about how she appears to other people, and her "rules" about how someone should behave. None of this is about me at all.

Panda39

 

[Notwendy]

I agree with Panda. A breakthrough for me was being able to make a mistake and not feel so shamed for not being good enough. Growing up with BPD mother, I didn't feel good enough. That was her projection of her own feelings but as kids we accept their ( distorted) perceptions of us.

I also was called selfish, a bad girl, and other hurtful things. They are not true.

We are humans, and we do great things and sometimes make mistakes- but as humans we are worthy of love.

[Turkish]

Sometimes all we have is to consider ourselves survivors. 

When I was 27, I told my mom in person that I forgave her for my childhood.  She kind of cried and said "thank you." That suprised me.  I moved out of state for 3 years within days of that. 

I called her about every 3 weeks,  and visited once or twice a year on business trips. 

When I had moved back, met my ex and tried to include her in our lives with a kid a decade later, I remember making an offhand comment about not liking the peanut butter and mayo sandwiches my mom used to send me to school with.  That triggered my mom to triangulation with my ex, and they didn't like each other, and my mom to flee home.  "I did the best I could!" I talked my mom out of getting into her truck and fleeing back to the mountains.  Admittedly. I was snarky. Sure, I hated my lunches (cream cheese and jelly was slightly more tolerable), but why would I bring it up 30 years later?

Maybe I hadn't gotten over it.  Maybe I wanted validation for growing up like white trash due to my mother's inability to handle her finances.  What was I expecting saying that? She really stud the best that she could.  My T said about my ex,  "she's limited." About my mom,  "she's sick." And "Sometimes the strong are chosen to protect the weak." Really man? 

None of this is easy else we wouldn't be here.  once removed recently mentioned on one of the romantic boards that we need to own our own stuff.  Here on PSI where a lot of us deal with decades of enmeshment, this is harder than in romantic relationships. I think, however,  that it still applies. Our parents are limited, and it's up to us to flesh out our own limits in order to heal and grow.  That we are all here discussing these things should give us hope. 

[stormy seas]

It has taken me SO MANY YEARS to begin this process.  And that is with the help of an extremely gifted therapist, and an amazing husband.  My social circle was very small (because my sister kept giving me the message that I was unliked/unlikable, so I thought nobody would want to be my friend. She was the one everybody loved so much) but when I branched out a little and made some friends that really appreciated me for who I am, I really found it much easier to listen to the nice things they said about me and not the crap my sister was spewing.  I try to go over compliments I have gotten from people every day to remind me that I'm worthy of being loved by others.  It has really helped.

My therapist and I went over (and over and over... .) how we speak or "language" to ourselves.  I really try to take care of myself emotionally.  I tell myself that I'm proud of the person I have become, that people like me, etc.  I also do and say things to bolster my self image.  For example, if I see someone on an elevator, and I really like their shoes, I tell them because that will make their day better.  Making positive connections with people daily really helped.  At first for me it felt like I was lying to myself or pretending, but after time it has become second nature, so when those negative feelings that have been burned there by my sibling start to hurt, I can much more easily start to dismantle them because I have been reassured as to who I really am.

I so hope this can get better for you.  Feel free to message me if you want to talk further.  I completely understand what you're going through.  I can only tell you that you are NOT who she says you are and you are NOT a bad person. You are worthy of love.

[stormy seas]

Sometimes all we have is to consider ourselves survivors. 

I never thought of it like that, but I love it

[alphabeta]

The comment that notwendy posted about "emotional vomit" really resonates with me.

My mother will rage for hours on end and then thank me for listening to her -- she says that she has a lot of emotional vomit which needs to come out of her mouth for her to feel better.

The problem is that I usually feel miserable after getting her "vomit" all over my face.

Furthermore, some of the vomit is directed against me and my wife, which I've recently told me bothers me.  She usually says something like, I was very angry, so I'm justified in insulting you guys... .

I've gotten to the point where I don't want to hear her rage anymore.  By attempting to end the conversation, I'm told that I'm arrogant -- because she can only say wonderful or positive things in my presence.

At this point, I'm taking an emotional vacation from this behavior and am contemplating having a medium chill relationship after.

I wish you the best.

[Panda39]

Boundaries alphabeta, you don't have to stand there and catch "vomit", you can leave (or hang up the phone).  It is okay to protect yourself and your wife.

Panda39

[purekalm]

How do you just get over the hurt on your own? How do you just accept it as is? What are some of the things you tell yourself to feel better about it?

My uBPD is actually my dad. To be honest, from about 13-20 I despised him and everything about him. I had a very emotional and mental breakthrough one day while talking to God (I rely on my faith heavily) and I was able to see him and my mother (she wasn't the best either) for the broken people they are. Objectively, I could see how their upbringing and choices fashioned them into the people they became. I'm no less broken, albeit a lot of that done by them and especially him. It was literally a physical weight off my shoulders to utter the words (not in his presence) "I forgive him for everything he's done to me. I don't want to feel like this anymore." Of course, things continue to happen and instead of stewing over it, as soon as I get the chance I forgive him again. Like you said, there's no point in telling him to his face because he truly believes he never did anything wrong.

It's not always easy when I am struggling with other things and sometimes writing will help when nothing else will. Open letters that are never given or sent release all the stuff I have inside without hurting him and adding to the drama and pain. It was a longer road to accept that there would be no closure. I'd never have the dad I needed and wanted. I've gotten there over time by reminding myself of reality and truthfully now, even though he can tick me off, he doesn't get under my skin anymore. Not being enmeshed is a wonderfully freeing thing.

I agree with Turkish that "we need to own our own stuff" and that it's more difficult when you've grown up with it as opposed to had a relationship with someone with BPD, undiagnosed or otherwise. I've done both now and when I came here expecting to help my uBPD ex, I ended up learning a whole lot about myself instead through the caring members of this board. I will be forever grateful as they were instrumental in the growth and freedom I've been able to attain.   (to Kwamina/Woolspinner2000 and everyone else that I simply cannot name)