Frustrated: with smart, attractive person, it's just the other times...

[Bch42]

I had the hardest time making sense of this until I talked to a counselor who mentioned I should read about BPD.

It's been over ten yrs. I'm in late 50s. 2nd marriage. She idolizes Mom, hates brother despite brother being nice to her, but doesnt invite her to all his family functions which offends her.  Sees him when invited, but complains and is jealous. Dislikes most of my friends, jealous of my mother because mine is older and healthy and hers is younger and sick.  Idolizes father. Cant stand my brothers. Makes fun of them despite them being pretty normal and always nice to us.  Seriously has no friends except those at work, but never sees them outside of work.  her long-time friends from college and high school did her wrong years ago.  They offended her and she wants nothing to do w them. I am her only friend, she says.  Says as a kid she only wanted to be with her mother.  Now her mother has many health problems and she feels guilty for some reason.  If anyone else tries to share a similar sickness story as mom,  itdoesnt compare, and she launches into the same 5 min speech about what a saint mom is and all she has been through.
No forgiveness.  I have many friends.  She would prefer I not see most of them forever. When invited to group functions, she is rude to the friends of mine she dislikes which embarrasses me, so I don't want her to go.  Monopolizes a group conversation and brags.  Complains her career was never on track because she could never decide.  Talks a lot, can not make decisions about things like what to order on a menu easily.  Requires continual reassurance.  Always asking if I need help for things I don't need help with to the point it is annoying.  When I actually need help, she becomes the martyr.  In arguments, it's always, "why do you hate me so much?"  Then loving the next.  Love/hate w my daughter her step.  Annoyingly attentive one minute.  I have taken 2 weekend trips with my friends in ten years and still am hearing about them.  If she cant go, no one can go.

Signs were there.  Threatened suicide when dating.  When married and I moved her from her home town which she was totally attached to and identified w (even if it was 30 miles away) it was traumatic to leave her home town. That town was close to beach. People who live near beaches are apparently cooler, and everyone else is a redneck.  I had no idea.  First months threatened to leave me, threw wedding ring at me, accused me of being a drunk for having a drink, hit me which I blocked, lied to me about 50k in credit card debt which I negotiated down and paid off.  Generally, most things are my fault, not shared fault.

On the other hand, a very charming, smart and attractive person much of the time.  It's just the other times.  Always wants me to go to couseling which I have done for ten yrs off and on, but refuses to go herself because they are all condescending.  Have one child together. Great mother most of the time, which sounds odd.

It's all very confusing.  Thanks for letting me vent.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Bch42,



Sorry to hear all you have been dealing with at home! That sounds quite tough I must say!

As you get more time to read around the site I think you'll be able to pick up some ideas that are least worth giving a try if you are up for it! I have my own struggles with these issues as well, but somewhere along the way I decided to embrace the notion of wanting to refocus on good communication. I figure even if it does not work with my partner, it can help me to some degree with other people in my life and that makes it worth it to try!

Have you managed to keep any kind of a life for yourself, or has it all been mostly damaged by these issues?

Is her mom's health still worsening?

with compassion, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Bch42 and let me join pearslw in welcoming you!

I'm sure it is all very confusing for you, and while I can't say if your wife has BPD, she certainly has BPD traits. There are a many aspects in your story I can relate to.

There's a lot to unpack here, but I wanted to jump in on the counseling issue first since she's already told you to do it. My wife does the same by the way, and I think it's clearly her projecting her own awareness of something being wrong onto me. Have you ever broached the idea of going to couples counseling together? It seems that many diagnoses are made in the context of a couples counseling scenario.

Best,
ROE

[Bch42]

Thank you both.  I am very fortunate that I have a good life and many great things to be thankful for. 

I think couples counseling as you suggest is a great idea.  We have started it twice, however my wife was not comfortable w either therapist. I hear the same thing the two times she has tried counseling on her own.  Never quite the right fit.     

I have come to the conclusion (although late!) that in this case, it must be very scary for someone w BPD to look at themselves and hear anything critical.  I don't like it either, but if it helps me I am open to it. 

For them, any criticism goes to, "I am a horrible person", which is very sad.  But at least I understand it better now which is helpful.  I just think that if someone is resistant to help after 11 yrs and multiple tries, it's probably not going to happen.  And if that's the case, how to deal with it.

Thanks again.

[pearlsw]

Hi Bch42,

I tell ya... .I have a hard time giving up on believing the best of people. I think people can change, as opposed to what I've heard from some psychologists. I think it is just not always so fast or dramatic as we might want to see! But I also like to give people the benefit of the doubt and let them grow in the ways they can. That said, not all relationships can or should remain intact. Sometimes they simply run their course... .

What is the state of your relationship right now? Do you want to give it more time? Let it go? Are undecided? Is the counseling going to happen, you just feel skeptical about it?

take care, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

I have come to the conclusion (although late!) that in this case, it must be very scary for someone w BPD to look at themselves and hear anything critical.  I don't like it I , but if it helps me I am open to it. 

I think you've hit on one of the essences of BPD here, Bch42. The illness is hardwired to protect the person with BPD from the shame and consequences of their behavior. Don't be hard on yourself for coming to this realization late. It took nearly 11 years before I realized my wife was more or less incapable of acknowledging any fault or wrong I might bring up. This is sad for us since the ability to take responsibility and make amends is one of the most essential aspects to any relationship.

This is why couples counseling is usually the best option to get the pwBPD (person with BPD) in front of a counselor. I once went as far as threatening to have my wife arrested if she didn't seek help. It wasn't until I approached it as a problem involving both of us (true, to some degree) that she became willing to see the doctor. I sense that on some level she knows that she has the main problem and how serious it is, but she needs that pretense of it being a shared problem to be able to take any external actions about it.

Would you like to practice hear how you might frame that conversation with your wife?

~ROE

[RolandOfEld]

I have come to the conclusion (although late!) that in this case, it must be very scary for someone w BPD to look at themselves and hear anything critical.  I don't like it I , but if it helps me I am open to it. 

I think you've hit on one of the essences of BPD here, Bch42. The illness is hardwired to protect the person with BPD from the shame and consequences of their behavior. Don't be hard on yourself for coming to this realization late. It took nearly 11 years before I realized my wife was more or less incapable of acknowledging any fault or wrong I might bring up. This is sad for us since the ability to take responsibility and make amends is one of the most essential aspects to any relationship.

This is why couples counseling is usually the best option to get the pwBPD (person with BPD) in front of a counselor. I once went as far as threatening to have my wife arrested if she didn't seek help. It wasn't until I approached it as a problem involving both of us (true, to some degree) that she became willing to see the doctor. I sense that on some level she knows that she has the main problem and how serious it is, but she needs that pretense of it being a shared problem to be able to take any external actions about it.

Would you like to practice here how you might frame that conversation with your wife?

~ROE