Struggling to Hold Things Together.

[aramis]

Hello all.  It's three am and I'm well into "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  I've done a lot of hours of research about BPD, created stacks of notes and now I'm on my second book (reading not writing).

I hardly know where to start.  Seven years ago I got separated and went to visit a friend I've known for about thirty years.  Her ex (10 years) was a good friend of mine.  We quickly became "romantically involved" and it was ... .heavenly!  She told me one night all the nasty things that had happened in her life since her mom died when she was just nine.  It's the stuff of movies that would make a grown man cry.  I guess it's classic, I decided that I would make the rest of her life a living fairy tale.  Then the rage episodes began ... .

After years I dragged her to talk to her doctor.  The first visit lasted 5 minutes and the doctor told us, "I've treated people with BPD and she doesn't have it".  At that point I was ready to give up the struggle.  Turned out we had another, longer appointment so I prepared by making notes.  The doctor asked 5 questions, my fiancée (at the time) answered them all positive and we were referred to a psychiatrist.  She did LOTS of testing but didn't come up with the BPD diagnosis though I am 100% convinced that that is the problem.  Nonetheless some counselling made a huge difference.  Instead of being mad at me 4 days out of 7, it was ... .occasional.  But it is still nightmarish when the dam breaks.  Recently her son broke into the house through the basement window while we were away on holidays.  I boarded up the windows.  A week later she spoke to him on the phone then called me at work to give me an angry lecture.  She barely spoke to me for three weeks.

Okay, enough.  You get the picture.  We got married last August and almost broke up three times since.  I love my wife and still hope to live "happily ever after".  She doesn't even want to hear the letters BPD so I'm looking for ways that I can hold things together by myself.

Glad I'm not the only one, sorry that others are experiencing the same thing.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Welcome   ,

You are in the right place.  There is a lot of information here and tools to learn.  How is it you believe she has BPD when the doctors do not.  What do they think she has.?  If you share more, maybe others w experience in what you are dealing with can help.  BPD has a wide spectrum of behaviours, each person is different.  The tools here help me very much.

With caring, hope, and healing, j

[pearlsw]

Hi aramis,

Sorry to hear about what's been going on at home! Thank you for sharing your sympathy with all of! We're here to support you too!

I know about break ups! My SO makes such threats all the time. It is exhausting, draining, and has nearly destroyed our relationship. I feel at times like I am just limping to the finish line of it... .Who knows... .

Does she have all of the BPD symptoms? And if not, which ones may I ask?

take care, pearl.

[WileyCoyote]

Hi Aramis!
   My immediate reaction is that your wife is suffering from PTSD and maybe some other comorbid mental health issues.  PTSD or (cPTSD) can present with some very similar emotional regulation problems.  I don't say that because I am a doctor so take it with a grain of salt but,  I say that BECAUSE, if she took something like the SCID-II Patient Questionnaire  and it was a negative result, then it is almost guaranteed that she does not have BPD.  And if it was negative all around then she doesn't have a personality disorder at all.

It is also good to remember to not get hung up on a specific diagnosis as long as the person is receiving the appropriate treatment.  It is not constructive to try to push a diagnosis on a loved one.  That 100% confidence you have doesn't sound very scientific anyway.   thoughts?

But I feel like you are leaving out some info.  If she took all those psychometric tests... .Was there any diagnosis at all? If so what?  or did she share that with you?

[aramis]

Thanks all for your responses.  I did go to all the sessions with my wife and the psychiatrist and, like I said, it did a lot of good.  But at one meeting I heard the doctor repeating some of the same ... .delusional thoughts (I don't want to be cruel here) as I was hearing from my wife.  I wrote a cheque, wished the ladies a good day and left the office.  I felt like the doctor had not managed to see through to what was real and what was not.

That paragraph took a lot of thought.  I hope I got it right.  As for the diagnosis, I was never told and I have to be very careful what I ask or say.  I get the impression that they don't want to "put a label" on my wife.

I'm hesitant to post my wife's symptoms but from all the research I've done she is a poster child for BPD.  She has a lot of anger in her but it is only directed at me so no one else would know.  I read that people with BPD act out with the person closest to them knowing that that person will not leave them.  I asked her to talk to and yell at one of her kids or another relative the way she does to me and see how long they would take it.  I keep thinking that after one of her tantrums she would say to herself "What did I just say?" but it doesn't seem to work that way.

I'll briefly share some background with you so you'll understand that she had plenty of reason to develop the condition .

She was born in India in an Anglo-Indian family.  Parents hired a nanny to breastfeed and look after her.  Father was an alcoholic.  Mother died when she was nine.  She was shipped off to England where her older siblings lived.  They didn't want her around and talked about putting her in a home.  Went out on her own at an early age.  Suicide attempt.  Felt unloved and unwanted.  Boyfriend got her drunk and raped her on her 18th birthday. She got pregnant, he took off to Lybia, she followed, married, she was treated like a 4th or 5th class citizen for seven years.  When she went for a holiday in England she would cry and shake for a week but she was told, You made your bed, you have to sleep in it".  Husband tried to beat her but she fought back so instead he beat the three sons.  She managed to get the family out of Lybia and they moved to Canada.  He and I met when we ended up working together and I thought he was the nicest guy.  He eventually dragged her through a nasty three year divorce, abandoned the kids and awhile later brought a girl half his age from Lybia, married her and had three more kids.

There's a lot more to the story and it's very depressing. It's a wonder she survived.  So, like I said, I hoped to make up for all those years of suffering by giving her a good and happy life.  We have everything going for us really and there's no reason that we can't live "happily ever after" ... .except for the BPD.

One symptom she does NOT have is promiscuous encounters.  She stuck with her "husband" for 22 years until he dumped her.  I once asked her if she yelled and screamed at her husband and said nasty things to him.  She replied in the negative, the reason being that she had just resigned herself to her fate.  It was ten years before we got together and she didn't even date.  Her best friend once asked her in exasperation what kind of guy she would go out with and she replied, "A guy like ... .(me)".

[juju2]

The good news is you can change yourself.

You can learn tools, change the way you interact, and your attitude.  You have hope here.
j

[aramis]

Thanks Juju2.  That's why I'm here.