One year after leaving...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm not sure how many will remember my story. I left BPDh, he begged me back, I went back knowing he was likely unmotivated to "change" or work on himself, and all my efforts not to JADE, and using things I'd learned here didn't seem to work in our relationship. I always felt he caught on to whatever new coping skill I was using, and he'd ramp up his negative behaviors, or maybe I just wasn't as much fun to torture... .I don't know.

I really was hoping I'd feel a LOT better this far out. I left him end of August of 2017, went back for almost two months, and got my own place end of October. The divorce was horrific.

Of course he lied: "he shouldn't be in a relationship", "he just wants to be alone"... .

Well, he's with his next target. I knew he would be. I was sickened at first, knowing he's love bombing her and turning on the charm, and she won't see the ugliness until he truly has the hooks in. Now, I've accepted that she was warned, and I sure wish I had been. Most say they wouldn't have listened to an ex... .I think I would have. Certainly, I would have left sooner, or warning bells would have gone off way sooner... .as it was we did the whole "lets get him diagnosed"... .and I felt sorry for him. I should never, ever have felt sorry for him. His acts of maliciousness and anger were deliberate.

I still think of him a lot. THIS is what I'd like to stop. I've been diagnosed with PTSD. I have to drive by his work on my way to work. The mere thought of him, and how hard I tried, and how much compassion I had for him, all while he showed none to me, now makes me sick. I still love him, but as I did then, I realize he's a very dysfunctional human being, one capable of great anger and cruelty. He seemed to enjoy being cruel(I'm really not sure this is a BPD trait, but it's one he clearly possessed).

Is anyone farther out, and will this ever get easier?

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm not sure how many will remember my story. I left BPDh, he begged me back, I went back knowing he was likely unmotivated to "change" or work on himself, and all my efforts not to JADE, and using things I'd learned here didn't seem to work in our relationship. I always felt he caught on to whatever new coping skill I was using, and he'd ramp up his negative behaviors, or maybe I just wasn't as much fun to torture... .I don't know.

I really was hoping I'd feel a LOT better this far out. I left him end of August of 2017, went back for almost two months, and got my own place end of October. The divorce was horrific.

Of course he lied: "he shouldn't be in a relationship", "he just wants to be alone"... .

Well, he's with his next target. I knew he would be. I was sickened at first, knowing he's love bombing her and turning on the charm, and she won't see the ugliness until he truly has the hooks in. Now, I've accepted that she was warned, and I sure wish I had been. Most say they wouldn't have listened to an ex... .I think I would have. Certainly, I would have left sooner, or warning bells would have gone off way sooner... .as it was we did the whole "lets get him diagnosed"... .and I felt sorry for him. I should never, ever have felt sorry for him. His acts of maliciousness and anger were deliberate.

I still think of him a lot. THIS is what I'd like to stop. I've been diagnosed with PTSD. I have to drive by his work on my way to work. The mere thought of him, and how hard I tried, and how much compassion I had for him, all while he showed none to me, now makes me sick. I still love him, but as I did then, I realize he's a very dysfunctional human being, one capable of great anger and cruelty. He seemed to enjoy being cruel(I'm really not sure this is a BPD trait, but it's one he clearly possessed).

Is anyone farther out, and will this ever get easier?

[Notwendy]

CB- I posted with you on your threads and know how hard you tried to make it work and what you endured. It is understandable that the healing will take time, but know that you have to be a strong woman to have stood up for your safety and sanity in that situation. Good for you for taking care of you.

I can imagine it is hard to think that someone else is getting the good side of him that you loved, but he comes with another side as well and you know what that is. Sometimes you can't warn people- probably for the same reason we don't post stay or run messages on this board- the person has to come to their own realization of what to do. Whoever he is with is responsible for her own choices. Who knows, she might show up here!

CB, I am rooting for you. You did a brave thing. I imagine there can be up days and down days. You will heal.

[Skip]

Of course he lied: "he shouldn't be in a relationship", "he just wants to be alone"... .

Well, he's with his next target. I knew he would be. I was sickened at first, knowing he's love bombing her and turning on the charm, and she won't see the ugliness until he truly has the hooks in. Now, I've accepted that she was warned, and I sure wish I had been.

How was he warned?

I still think of him a lot. THIS is what I'd like to stop. I've been diagnosed with PTSD. I have to drive by his work on my way to work. The mere thought of him, and how hard I tried, and how much compassion I had for him, all while he showed none to me, now makes me sick. I still love him, but as I did then, I realize he's a very dysfunctional human being, one capable of great anger and cruelty. He seemed to enjoy being cruel(I'm really not sure this is a BPD trait, but it's one he clearly possessed). Is anyone farther out, and will this ever get easier?

What are you struggling with? Missing him? Resentment anger? Both? Not sure?

I'm actually dating a seemingly nice man after casually dating lots of others the past year. I dated just as a way to distract myself while I worked through all this in therapy. If I hadn't dated or pursued hobbies, I'd have slipped even further into depression and obsessing over him and all he did to me. Most didn't get past the two date mark, as I'd always see some "red flag". This all left me with some trust issues, imagine that.

The man I am dating is actually a counselor, or sort of therapist. He just got his degree and he has a very good grasp on all I've been through and is super understanding. In fact, I think I kept dating him while I didn't other guys, because he didn't push or rush me, and we developed a friendship first. We just have fun, and I'm really starting to believe again that there are truly good people out there that wouldn't want to deceive me. He says things like "I'll work on that", and he can apologize(he got grumpy and snapped at me once)

What happened here? The rebound relationships are tough.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi CB,

Yes I remember you.  I'm sorry that you're struggling right now with unwanted thoughts and reminders of your ex husband.  I can see that passing his workplace might be triggering for you.  Do you still have any contact with him/mutual friends or see his social media?   

I left my BPDex Feb 2017 and he only really enters my thoughts (more of a physical fear response rather than a direct thought of him per se) when I am hyper vigilant around certain places.  I too have trauma that I'm working through following the r/s.  I don't miss him any more or harbour any feelings either positive or negative towards him now.  If anything should I consciously choose to think of him the only emotion that comes up is sadness for him because of the way his life will no doubt continue to unfold.  Otherwise I guess I'm too busy picking up the pieces. 

What support are you getting for the PTSD?  I've been in counselling for about 6 months and that has been helpful although I still have more work to do.  How do you find the PTSD affects you most?

Glad to see you posting.

Love and light x

[formflier]

CB,

Good to hear from you!   

When you get time, I'm interested in hearing about what insights you've gained from T since leaving.

What does the next 6 months look like?

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey CB, Welcome back!  How long were you married to your BPDxH?  If you left him last August, it's less than a year since you parted ways, so I suggest you give it more time.  Everyone heals at his/her own pace.  Concerning your obsessive thoughts about him, I suggest you look at what you're doing in a mindful way when it happens.  In other words, try to observe what you are doing as an outsider would.  E.g., you might say to yourself, "OK, my obsessions have returned."  Then, redirect your thoughts to something more positive.

Suggest you be kind to and compassionate with yourself.

LuckyJim

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm actually still with the man I talked about in my previous post. I guess I've never really bought into the whole "rebound" concept. Maybe some people believe in that, so for them something they consider a rebound relationship might not work out. For me, something either feels right, or it's not, time doesn't seem to play much factor. Also, I think while I was still attached to my BPDh, I'd had a couple years to deal with and visualize that however much "I" wanted it to work out... .how could it when he made that so impossible. So, I think in some of ways, I was detaching or preparing mentally for the end.

It was two years ago last August, and the man I'm now dating isn't the first guy I dated after I left BPDh. I literally went through and kept it low key, friend type dates with several guys. I even dated a guy at work who'd told me he'd waited to date me until I wasn't grieving so hard. I guess in part maybe things worked out(so far) with the man I'm dating because he and I seem good together, and the super sharp sting of losing BPDh was starting to feel about as good as it ever will. It's sort of leveled off, I just don't like where it's leveled of to!

I was married before BPDh, for 18 years, and that husband walked out one day unexpectedly, and I never grieved anything like this, or had PTSD, or any of the weird symptoms I have now. It's literally almost like BPDh is in my head repeating some of the awful things he said to me. It makes me indignant and sad all over again, and I still feel he was foolish to not work on accepting love and work on his BPD so that he could have a more normal life.

When I left BPDh, I was truly hoping I'd feel a lot, lot better than this. I feel like I left him, I've moved on with my life, but in a way, I'm still a prisoner to him. I've had OCD as far back as I can remember, and I'm really good at diverting my obsessive thoughts, and I really learned to use a lot of the DBT skills when I was with BPDh, but even diverting my thoughts, getting busy doing something... .it seems like he or some rotten memory always comes right back.

It's a horrid thing to say, but I feel like the only way I'd feel better is if he died so I knew he wasn't out there inflicting himself on anyone else. That would give me some peace, but still wouldn't get rid of the love I still have for him. I don't even understand how or why I still love him, because he was pretty unlovable. I tend to always root for the underdog though... .and I'm definitely a forgiving person that tries hard to think positively.

I focus really hard on how far I've come, the man in my life now, and how much I like(as I always did) who I am. I just want this love/hate thing and intrusive thoughts of BPDh to go away.

[Notwendy]

CB, I read somewhere that 7 years of an abusive marital relationship has the same effect as childhood abuse. Your symptoms seem similar to the ones some of the children of BPD parents experience, and they even experience it after a parent is deceased.

An abusive marital relationship can mimic a drug addiction biologically. The highs and lows of the romance release brain chemicals similar to the highs and lows of a drug.

I have some PTSD like symptoms from being raised by a BPD mother. If someone yells at me, it puts me into a state of shock. It can be anyone. The key to this for me is to recognize it. One time an irate woman yelled at me in a parking lot. Someone else may have thought this woman is crazy or having a bad day. I was very shook up for several minutes- even if the incident had nothing to do with me and I was not in danger. I realize that an angry person triggers a childhood fear for me- because if BPD mother was angry, I was in for it. The key for me is recognizing this and working on it. It is much easier for me to put a situation into perspective, let it go, and not let it bother me as much.

My mother lives miles from me. Once I recognized that my feelings and reactions to her- (both love and hate, like you mentioned because a child has a strong attachment to a mother, even an abusive mother)- were something I had to work on- and not contingent on her, I knew I had the ability to work on them.

You were in a very tough and abusive relationship with your exH and you also did love him. I think you know that you did the best thing for you by getting distance from that situation. But now you need to heal and healing takes time. Please be confident that you can heal and you will.

What you are experiencing is described as a form of trauma bond. You didn't deserve this and neither does any child born to an abusive parent, but it is what it is. Rather than look at your exH as the cause, or be concerned about what he is doing, if would be more helpful for you to focus on what you can do to heal from this. I know I have made considerable progress doing this and you can too. However, go easy on yourself. A year is a short time and it looks like you are doing very well- a new relationship that seems stable, and you are more confident and happy as you are. Stay the course and don't give up!

[Ceruleanblue]

Formflier:

My next six months look busy. I'm busy sorting out my house, and helping my boyfriend with his new place. I'm sure I'll continue to try to redirect my thoughts of BPDh, and while thoughts of him are definitely frequent, I can at times say I'm glad I'm not with him. Not all the time, but definitely a lot of the time. I had to get away for my mental health, and because he just didn't appreciate me, and seemed to enjoy hurting and torturing me. That is one thing that always made me think maybe he had something more extreme even than BPD... .not my problem now

I'm not sure exactly what I've learned in therapy the last six months, but I do know it was my therapist that really helped me realize I had to leave BPDh. She was my individual therapist, then we saw her together, as she is a marriage and family therapist. She saw him in action, and he'd admit a lot of the awful things he'd say and do to me. She told me he felt entitled to abuse me, and was unmotivated to change. She'd often ask me "can you change his negative view of you?", and
"he throws you under the bus", and "he isn't even dealing with you, he's dealing with the imagined you he's created in his head"... .she offered to help him with his anger issue, and he lied and said he couldn't because he was told it would interfere with his DBT therapy(she said she's worked with people in DBT therapy before, and was very familiar with DBT).

I am thankful to be where I am, but I just wish I could erase all memories of him, and the pain he caused, and the fact that I wasted 6 years with him. I'm trying to stop having these regrets because they are useless, and don't make me feel good. It's probably hard to tell on here, but I'm actually a pretty positive, upbeat person.

[formflier]

Hey... .a couple "big picture" thoughts.

If you are not able to identify lessons and life changes that you have made in therapy, wouldn't it make sense to  work less on helping others and work more on "assembling" or "understanding" your new life and "moving forward" with your new life in such a way so that you have better boundaries and better relationships.

One of the   about creating new relationships "on the rebound" is that it short circuits the process of learning lessons from previous relationships... .patterns are more likely to repeat themselves... .if lessons aren't learned.

Thoughts?

FF

[Panda39]

What you are experiencing is described as a form of trauma bond. You didn't deserve this and neither does any child born to an abusive parent, but it is what it is. Rather than look at your exH as the cause, or be concerned about what he is doing, if would be more helpful for you to focus on what you can do to heal from this.

One of the   about creating new relationships "on the rebound" is that it short circuits the process of learning lessons from previous relationships... .patterns are more likely to repeat themselves... .if lessons aren't learned.

Hi Ceruleanblue,

I also remember you from your previous time here.  I'm glad you decided to reach out again. 

I'm not usually on the "relationship" boards but in reading about the "trauma bond" I realize that my first important relationship was a trauma bond.  No physical abuse but emotional abuse.  I was never good enough, there was tons of push/pull going on and finally he cheated.  I spent years trying to be what he wanted me to be, so he would be happy... .never paying attention to my own needs or how any self-esteem I had was disappearing every time I tried to change myself for him.   We were together 10 years, I thought I was going to marry him, and I was devastated when he cheated, but that was a deal breaker for me and I finally broke it off.  I struggled with the pain for a really long time, and thought I need to get over this, so I ignored all the feelings I was having and put them in a little locked box behind my heart.  And there it stayed for 30 years.

I didn't see anyone for about a year or more after that sad break up... .everyone says take a break from dating after a break up, heal, and then start again.  I did my year and thought that meant I was "healed" and started dating someone new.  We hit it off.  We met in June, were dating in July and engaged in August (I'm sure many here can recognize that things moved way too fast).  I hardly knew him at all.  Why did I marry him?  Because I thought I loved him and because he asked.  I didn't know it then because I had never experienced it, but I had married an alcoholic.  Then went down the co-dependent path.

Fast forward 20 years and the Panda finally has a bit of a breakdown that become breakthroughs. 

I realized that there were other things locked in that box behind my heart for my first love... .yes love was in there, but so was anger, disappointment, sadness, my self-esteem, and my authentic self.  I never worked through the feelings and pain of that relationship, I stuffed my feelings and moved on.  At 47 I finally figured out that a lot of what happened between me and my first love were about him, I always blamed the failure of the relationship on me,  Why? Why was it all on me?  Even his cheating was on me... .I owned it I took responsibility... .If I had been a better girlfriend he wouldn't have cheated. At 47 I saw him for the person he really was not the ideal I carried around for 20 years.  At 48 he was an unmarried womanizer, unable to commit, still playing the same games, and still single.  At 47 I could finally see him as he truly was and it was clear as day that he wasn't right for me and never had been.

I married my rebound man and I married him for all the wrong reasons.  I thought I loved him.  How can you deeply love someone, let alone know someone in 3 months?  You can't.

After 20 years in a co-dependent marriage, I realized why I married my rebound man... .I had no self-esteem coming out of the previous relationship so when he asked I said yes, because after all I might not ever get asked again.  I said yes to prove to the ex that someone could commit to me, and I said yes because at 26 that is what was expected of me (in my mind) by my critical mother and society as a whole.

At 47 I finally found my way back to me, to my authentic self, to my self esteem.  I finally started looking after myself and taking care of myself.  I forgave my first love... .he was who he was... .I actually felt sorry for him for all the things he wasn't capable of and all the things he was missing.  At 47 I finally ended the co-dependent relationship with my alcoholic husband and without my enabling and managing, he had his 3rd DUI, lost his job, and lost so much more that he finally hit rock bottom and has been sober for the last 6 years.

I tell you my story because I want to encourage you to work on your feelings around the relationship with your ex.  It isn't just time away from him it's about working on you and understanding why you went into that relationship, why you feel what you feel, about learning from the relationship so you don't keep going round and round in the same types of relationships.  It's also about being fair to the next person in your life that you work through the last relationship so that you can be truly present in your next one.

I'm sure I'll continue to try to redirect my thoughts of BPDh, and while thoughts of him are definitely frequent, I can at times say I'm glad I'm not with him. Not all the time, but definitely a lot of the time.

... .I'm trying to stop having these regrets because they are useless, and don't make me feel good. It's probably hard to tell on here, but I'm actually a pretty positive, upbeat person.

I'm hearing myself in the redirecting your thoughts comment, there is a balance here of not ruminating on things and stuffing your feelings.  It's okay to have thoughts and feelings about your ex as long as you are working your way through them and it is okay for you to have feelings that aren't all positive and upbeat.  Stuffing, and hiding your feelings in my experience isn't helpful... .It's like stuffing and hiding part of who you are.

In terms of the man you are seeing now be very clear about your reasons to be with him.  Is he filling a void?  Is he proof to your ex that you are desirable?  Is he receiving from you what he should or is part of you still attached to your ex?  He deserves a relationship with you where you are fully there for him for the right reasons.

Some food for thought,
Panda39