Ex’s daughter turned 9 yesterday

[JNChell]

My ex’s daughter turned 9 yesterday. Today is the big party. I’m missing that little girl. She was part of my life, then she wasn’t, many times over.

She’s smart. Straight A’s. I know that her report card is not an accurate analysis of her true intelligence, but she is book smart. I worry about her when she comes to mind. Her mom wasn’t happy with the on B+. It had to come up. I didn’t agree, but she’s not my child. She’s very spoiled by material things, and she has a hard time letting go of old stuff to make room for the new. Her little bedroom is packed. I’m not exaggerating when I say she has, in the ballpark, 100 stuffed animals. She has a lot of stuff, but I’m afraid that she is deprived of emotional support and validation. From her mother and father.

When the ex and I were still living together, D9 and I were sitting on the front porch in rocking chairs. We were waiting for a raccoon to climb down from a certain tree as night approached. It became our thing that summer. We were talking, and it turned to her mother and father. I asked her if she wished that her mom and dad were still together. She started to cry and said “yes”. I told her that it was ok to feel that way and that I understood. I didn’t speak about it beyond that. I never saw her mom validate her. She only dresses her up and requires straight A’s.

This little girl has been through too much as a 9 year old. When her mom was still married, it was the same dynamic that I experienced. She would run away. When it was for long periods of time, there was another guy. She exposed her daughter to some of them, but would later return to her then husband. I don’t believe that this little girl has a bright future. I guess it shouldn’t be my concern. It’s just her birthday, and I’m thinking about her.

[Jeffree]

I guess it shouldn’t be my concern. It’s just her birthday, and I’m thinking about her.

It's OK to want to help a 9 year old you fear will have a tough time making a good life for herself.

It's why I am doing everything I can to help SD 22 and SS 19 feel safe in the world.

Children are important, be they ours or someone else's. If we have a connection to them, it's our responsibility to be part of the solution and not part of the problem.

J

[Insom]

Hi,  JNChell.  Hugs.   

Today is the big party. I’m missing that little girl.

Good job acknowledging your feelings here.  I know loneliness and longing are a big part of splitting up.  How are you feeling today?

[zachira]

This may be a stupid question and I have to ask it because I know how people outside my BPD family made such a difference in my life. Is there any chance you could have a relationship with the 9 year old? Can you send her a birthday card? If you can't, you can't. I have a big heart for children with parents who don't treat them right, and it saddens me and gives me tremendous joy at the same time to love and support a lonely child in any way I can.

[JNChell]

Hey, Jeffree. Thanks for reaching out. I wish I could still have somewhat of a relationship with her, but I’m fairly certain that I’ve been painted black to her. The last time I asked my ex about her, I opened myself up for abuse. My ex told me how D9 was doing, then closed with “... .and she likes to come home now.” That stung quite a bit.

[JNChell]

Hello, Insom. Thanks for the hug. I guess I’m doing ok. Just down about it all. I just don’t understand how some folks fail to understand what it does to children to constantly bring people in and out of their children’s lives. That surely has to feel a bit unstable for them. I just wonder how she views me now. I’m afraid that when she’s older she may have been influenced enough to talk poorly about me to our Son.

[JNChell]

Hi, zachira. Not a stupid question by any means. I really wish I could have a relationship with her, but her mother won’t allow that. My ex wouldn’t even allow me to get her a Christmas gift. Looking back, she had slowly begun conditioning her D9 to dislike me, and I think fear me in a way. Her daughter is a boundary now, and I won’t cross it. I did send birthday wishes for her, but I doubt that they were passed on to her. Why can’t she just get better for the kids? They’re innocent in all of this, and I fear that they will eventually suffer. I worry too much now.

[Skip]

You can hold her in your heart forever. 

[JNChell]

Thanks, Skip. You’re right, but I had every intention of watching her grow and have a hand in raising her and that’s gone now. It hurts.

[zachira]

You might take comfort in knowing that the quality time you spent with this little girl did make a difference in her life. As I have shared before, the people who were caring and validating when I was a child made a big difference in my life. I remember once spending 15 minutes riding in a car with a mom and her daughter, and how I cherished the ways the mom connected with me, and made me feel like an important part of the interactions between the three of us. I have finally realized after all these years why both my parents could never stop criticizing their siblings who were the people who actually were able to love me. They wanted me to dislike them I believe, and resented the relationship I had with the aunts and uncles, all of whom were scapegoats of the family just like me. There are so many lonely children out there that wish somebody would just notice them, if even for a few minutes. You care about this little girl, and I have no doubt that you will continue to show other children that their feelings matter and you care. Maybe some day when she is older she will reconnect with you, as I am sure you are special to her as well.

[JNChell]

Hi again, zachira. Thank you for the kind words and optimism. I wish that I could share in it with you, but I’m fairly certain that her mother has painted me black with her. Perhaps, when she’s older, she may see things differently, but I don’t have much hope in that. She’s innocent in all of this, and it bothers me a great deal that her mother will have her conditioned. I don’t want to sound gender biased here, but there is a great deal of misandry taking place in the female dynamic of my ex’s family. Bluntly, they’re man haters. I can only predict that she will follow the same path. I’m not trying to sound negative, and I do appreciate your kind words, but I feel I need to do my best at remaining objective as I continue learning and healing.

[zachira]

There is hope that the daughter will not buy into all the negative things her mother has to say about you. I have listened to my mother tell me my whole life how horrible everyone whoever was kind and loving to me are. I did buy into some of it for awhile, however I now know the truth. In recent years, I have contacted some of these people (Some are now elderly.) and to be there for them in their times of need. About five years ago, I took my former babysitter out for a whole day excursion. She took care of me before I started school and I used to cry when she left the house.  
My mom is also a man hater. She has/had nothing but terrible things to say about my dad and her long term boyfriend after dad died. For many years, I had wonderful boyfriends and I did not do my part in giving and taking in the relationships. I am now working hard to undo these types of behaviors. I have known and know so many great men, and it up to me to appreciate them if I want them as friends or as a possible boyfriend.
You are very sad that you can't help this little girl right now. I feel your pain, as I would like to help her too, and many children like her.
Take care, and share your sadness with us.