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isilme
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« Reply #4 on: June 11, 2018, 11:21:19 AM » |
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At work - can type now.
I managed to stop JADEing finally late Saturday. I think a BIG part of my problem is there are times when having an honest discussion and telling him he is NOT worthless, or ways he can decrease stress seem to work. So I get muddled, and confused when it's NOT that kind of discussion, and have to backtrack and be like, "oh, it's not one of those days... .well... .crap."
And to be honest, after so much naysaying, self-denigration, and anger at feeling denigrated (which HE did to himself, but whatever), I WILL tell him "it takes a lot of energy to seek out so many things to be sad or upset about." I know it's invalidating... . but it's also me letting him now I reject that "reality" and cannot accept it, because I don't want to validate the valid.
I keep my tongue a lot of the time as it is.
He and a friend planned to work in the studio to set it up better so they can work together to make leather goods for ren-faire-folk and LARPers and such. (We are rennies, not LARPers - if you're not sure of those terms, it's ok - just means we are geeks who like costume parties). The studio right now is a catch-all room. It has our books, his largish comic collection, computer, tools, acts as temporary storage for seasonal items, art supplies like paints and canvases, and it only about 11 feet square. So, we need to weed out a lot of things. Old books, old paints, things we won't use that he has picked up and hoarded over the years, like broken picture frames he "planned to fix".
I have managed to make this room "company friendly" several times in the past, as the back door is located in here and people would use it when our back porch was safe to stand on and we had a few BBQs. But it's never been fully set up as a studio, and he laments that. He won't put a lot of effort into it, but he certainly laments it. He believes the majority of the mess is mine (nope), and I suppose likes to think it's my fault his comics and his paints and his half used canvasses are cluttering up the room.
His first task is to build a corner desk into the wall - I am not a fan of built ins - they are there for good, and I grew up in rentals my whole life, so building a desk into a wall makes little sense to me when we could have bought a corner desk year and years back if he'd quit turning his nose up at them. But our friend likes to build. He is excited, it takes his mind off a recent death in his family I think to be busy, and H listens to him for the most art where H would have yelled at me in the same process. So this was to be lumber purchase, measure and cutting weekend, and if lucky, installation weekend. So I mowed the yard in our 110+ heat index weather and got out the sawhorses and other stuff from storage outside so they could set up a saw and get to work. While they did that I planned to work on clutter clearing/dishes/laundry. Instead, they got a late start, as the friend has been helping his recently widowed sister a lot with her MANY kids. So, good news, we got lumber. But could not start.
So, Saturday H gets moodier and moodier after the friend had to leave for home, because (gasp) things take time to get done, and when you neglect a room as an overlarge closet for years, it takes a lot of time, work, and letting go o hoarded items to turn it into a comfy workspace. Then he went into the timeline of how little time there is to do this (bear in mind, he could have parceled out the work over the alt 6 months. Shred some papers each week. File things a little at a time, etc.) He went off on how "you all are making me stressed by asking me to build so much stuff!"
Here is how we "ask him to build so much stuff":
A friend is sad her costume last ren fest did not get a lot of attention. She is overweight, self-conscious about it, but is much like my H in regards to self-control, comfort eating, and she is pre-diabetic herself. She chose a mostly store bought, almost cosplay costume, while the rest of us made everything from scratch (she helped with her husband's). But she wanted to not draw a lot of attention because of her weight but wanted attention because it makes her feel better (yes, she is on the cusp of BPD in many ways, she says she is the female version of my H).
Saying she was disappointed in her costume to my H = make me a costume that kicks butt and gets me all the photo ops. Not, I wish I was thinner, felt better in bright attention-getting colors, etc. Not, Isilme, show me how to SEW some stuff to make a better costume. NO, it obviously means MAKE ME A LEATHER COSTUME.
And then H decides I need one, too, because even though I'd stated MY goal is to lose weight and feel better in one I made two years back and not hide under lots of layers, he insists that if he's making one for a friend it looks weird he did not make one for his wife (not remembering that his wife (me) makes her own damn costumes).
So now, I am demanding a costume form him - not he put it on himself. I say, no, I have 2-3 other items I can wear. Please bear in mind we have gone to this event like, almost 20 years. I have sewn myself a new outfit, often cheaply as a poor college student or poor student loan payer, for years. I have saved them in bins and lent them out to other ladies who go with us. I cleared out the bin and got rid of things far too small, but I can find plenty to wear.
I point out I have options, he does not need to include anything for me if that adds stress to him or prevent him from working on his own stuff - he gets upset, because I suppose this was invalidating to the idea only he can provide me with outfits, and he insults me, claims he has no idea what I've worn in the last 20 years so he has no idea what I am talking about I obviously have nothing that looks good to wear. And after years of disdaining the idea of couples costumes (and badmouthing them now), the last two he has insisted we somewhat match, but then mocks the idea as if it was mine.
Anyway, he stated he HAS to do this so BAD-FREIND (not the one helping with our desk/studio) who took credit the last year can't do so again, and so H can SHOW people HE can make items just like he's claimed, and then people will know he's telling he truth he made the one last year. So I said, ok, but don't put this on me asking for a corset from you, which I did not do, nor even our friend - admit you want to one-up this other guy. And that's when he got pissed and the yelling started and he started in on how that was ugly of me to say, I was judging him and it was okay to be hurt about this guy stealing credit, and how could I think that, he's not competing with this guy, that guy is competing with him, over and over, on and on.
I did not mean he was a bad person for wanting to show he was not lying. I wanted him to see this is his main goal, not to make me happy with an item I would like very much but did not demand of him. But that is all lost. He will stick to everyone is "making" him make them things. He is the martyr for doing it in lieu of his own stuff (in reality, he procrastinates on his own designs and doesn't want to work on them too soon in case he gets a better idea.) He is not competing or "one-upping" anyone, he is just making sure he can show he has better skills than they do.
I made sure to stop JADEing at some point, things died down before DefCon 1, and he was testy and moody over the next 24 hours. By bedtime last night he was in a not-good-but-not-the-worst mood and admitted stress about a work presentation, no self-esteem, feeling bad about his looks all were a factor in his mood. He was trying to be cheerful this morning.
The good friend came yesterday, they got the bare bones of the desk installed, and have a few more cutting and installation steps, but progress was made. I also made sure to clean out one more load for Goodwill, which made him see it CAN be cleared out in there, if he will part with stuff.
So all in all, not the worst, not the best, but okay.
They are setting me up with an MRI finally for my head, to verify if it's migraines or if I have an alien or something living up there. H's test came back, his T is low, but not low enough to prescribe anything. OTC supplememtns were recommended, but the ED may never be repairable - I can see how that would make his mood much worse.
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