Hi. This is a new concept for me

[BPD Rookie]

  after 50 years of abuse I am done.  This last incident my sibling went after my adult child, and then threw me under the bus.  Is jealousy a component of BPD?  She has been jealous and hurtful to me over everything.  I am genuinely happy for my siblings when they achieve something.  My oldest sibling is like that also.  But the other, not so much.  I have so many questions rattling in my head.  I just started reading about, watching you tube about BPD.  No official diagnosis.  I just want to wrap my arms around our 80+ year old mom(who seems to be her other target), grab my husband and kids and run like the wind away from the abuse.  I look forward to reading the many life experiences of others attempting to understand why we have endured years of these nasty outbursts.  I am ready to learn.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board!  I am glad you found us.  All of us who post on this board have a family member with BPD or at least BPD traits so you are in the right place. 

We have a lot of reading material in addition to all the posts here that you can read through.  A good place to start is to look on the right hand side of the page at the Survivors Guide.  Can you identify with any of the steps?  Where do you think you are?  BTW each item is clickable and expands to give more information.

What sort of behaviors does your sister direct towards you and your mother?  How old are your kids?  Do they have a relationship with your mother?

Okay, that is enough with the questions for now.    I am glad you posted.  I you have any questions just ask.

[BPD Rookie]

I have read through many of the steps.  I feel as though I have unknowingly been through many of the steps.  That being said, I probably have not conquered many of them completely.  So where am I you ask.  When I read through them, I felt as though they spoke about issues that were far harsher than anything that happened to me.  I have been lashed out at many many times.  I have been called every name in the book at least once.  However, as an adult, my husband and I have formed our own lives and are not influenced by her outbursts.  We just always thought she was an unhappy person.  Your happiness is not my responsibility.  My Mom comes to me when she has gotten verbally lashed out at.  I listen.  I have said many many times "happiness is a choice"  I choose happiness, so I stay away from my sister.  Family gatherings have become less and less.  The final break is coming soon.  I will no longer be joining big family holiday dinners.  This is really what I have desired for a long time.  We have grown to be a sit down dinner of 15 with both families.  I like a smaller group of people.  As I am finding out, that is what my kids desire also.
I grew up with 2 sisters and myself.  Somewhat a disfuntional family but not horribly so.  The middle sister has always, at least from the teenage years, been the problem.  No none could ever understand where all vitriol behavior was coming from.  I believe it was chalked up to sibling rivalry.  I was and still am the glass is half full person.  Life is good, let's go live and enjoy it.  My closest sibling was bitter and negative.  She has always had jealousy towards me.  I never thought I was anything special.  I was just being me.  I have been very authentic in my life.  I am rambling.  I feel as though I am healthy mentally.  Yes, I deal with depression that came on suddenly at about age 40.  So, treat it and move on.  I have always said that I am not a victim.  Our household attempts to face issues and move forward.  So where am i on the chart?  A little here and a little there.
My children are 28 and 30.  Awesome human beings and very people smart.  After the last verbal lashing out from my sister, I made the choice, with their help, to be done with the huge family gatherings.  It is time for my nuclear family to enjoy being together and grow and celebrate the gift of family and our blessings and futures.  Am I a bit tenuous about the break?  Yes, but I know that it is for the best and we are heading to a healthier future.  I don't know why I want to understand the BPD.  My sister has gone after my oldest for years, since he was younger.  He is determined, strong willed, intelligent and knowledgeable about a wide variety of subjects.  My sister cannot control him.  I always thought that was the crust of the issue.  He is to much like me!  But I never wanted to control him, I wanted and did mold him to be a good human.  Sometimes a bit rough around the edges, but in general a kind, loving son.
My Mom gets verbally lashed at far more than I do by my sister.  I listen to Mom, let her vent and move forward.  I have attempted to protect Mom, but let's be honest, I cannot be a verbal abuse body guard.  I attempt to teach her healthy ways, but I am not always there.  Besides, my sister is sneaky.  She knows enough not to attack someone while witnesses are present.  I have rambled on far to long.  Thanks for asking and thanks for listening

[Harri]

Hi again.  Thanks for getting back to this.    Your post was not rambling at all.  Post what you feel.  We can all benefit from that as you may say something that plants a seed or use words that make something click for one or more of us. 

It sounds like you have done very well with your family and have a good handle on separating yourself from your sister and her behaviors.  It also sounds like you know what is yours to deal with and what is not (as with helping your mother). 

In your first post you asked if jealousy is a part of BPD.  I would say yes, often it can be.  At the root of BPD is shame and fear of abandonment.  pwBPD can often feel inferior and are highly sensitive to invalidation, often seeing it where none was intended.  They have certain defensive behaviors that ward of feelings of shame and can sometimes project them on others, cause them to take their feelings out on one person rather than another.  all of that is common.  We have a library section here that is full of discussions and threads on various BPD behaviors.  I don't want to randomly throw a bunch of links at you though.     What are you hoping to understand better?  You can also browse through our Library section and again, if you have any questions, just ask.  One of us is bound to have experienced similar.

[Fie]

Hello BPD Rookie  

Welcome!
You sound like you have built yourself a good life with a healthy family, good for you !
Growing up around BPD is not easy. You are saying you want to understand what BPD is. Do you feel you would like to use this knowledge to get closer to your sister ? Or is it more a general feeling of wanting a grip on things ? (I did get the feeling that you do not specifically want a lot of contact anymore with your sister, is that correct ?)

Again, welcome !

[BPD Rookie]

Thank you.  Yes, I have done well with my marriage and children.  We all have our faults and errors that  we have made in life.  We (I) have tried to learn from our mistakes.  At this point in time I really don't want any contact with my sister.  Why do I want to learn? Maybe if I can learn more, I can help my Mom to deal with my sisters  outbursts.  I think this is very troubling to Mom to have this kind of strife in the family.  I have never before set the boundery of not getting together.  I am hoping to learn more to have the skills to peaceably deal with this.  I know that I am very forgiving and a bit of a Pollyanna.  I want to grow to be stronger person without the anger and frustration.  Knowledge is a powerful tool toward a better life.  I credit my husband for us getting us as healthy as we are as a family.  When i would be so hurt and angry, he has a way of talking me back to reality and has logic for problems.  Coming from a family of all sisters, i think we all went forward with emotion.  He has helped me to learn to use logic and calm to deal with things (most of the time!)  We use a lot of humor to deal with hard times.  He came from a family of alcoholics, i from a family with this angry person.  I now understand it probably was and is uBPD.  That information has opened  doors of curiosity for me.  We have walked together through a lot of crap.  What doesn't  kill you will make you stronger and it has.  Hence "this concept (of BPD) is new to me"

[Harri]

Is there any chance that your mother would like to join the site?  She can access the tools and strategies without joining but she may benefit by talking with other parents of kids with BPD.  Is she computer literate?  If not you can share some of these lessons with her.

A good article to start with is Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
Susan Forward, PhD coined the acronym FOG to stand for fear, obligation, and guilt - three vulnerabilities that an emotional blackmailer manipulates, and 3 vulnerabilities that most of us can't figure out how to escape.These are normal, often helpful, feelings can be debilitating if we can't recognize when they are being manipulated.

Projection  Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way, to someone else.

Understanding projection can help significantly in depersonalizing the hurtful comments, rages, etc.

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind
What is mindfulness all about?  In the simplest sense, we all develop from time to time, thinking patterns that do not serve us well.  When we do, we are easily "triggered" -- having non-constructive reactions to specific words or actions based on prior experiences.  We've all been there - resentment, pessimism, defensiveness, impatience, closed mindedness, distrusting, intolerance, confrontational, defeated... .  Mindfulness is a type of self-awareness in which we learn to observe ourselves in real time and balance our intellectual and emotional mind.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama TriangleTriangulation is widely recognized as a stabilizing factor in a family, at work, among social groups, etc. We all engage in triangulation because triangles help us cope when we are struggling with another person.

We all do this. Triangles often help us cope when we are struggling with another person. Triangulation can be a very stabilizing factor in a family. However, "bad triangulation" (i.e., pathological triangulation) can cause more turmoil in a relationship, polarizing communications and causing conflict to escalate.

Karpman observed that in conflict and drama, there is "good guy vs bad guy" thinking. He also observed that the participants become drawn in, even seduced, by the energy that the drama generates. The drama obscures the real issues. Confusion and upset escalates. Solutions are no longer the focus.

Okay, that is enough of the links for now!  We have several more on communication strategies that you may find interesting to read about and you can share them with your mother.  Let me know if you are interested in them.

It is wonderful to hear that you and your husband have managed to find a way to make your relationship work and be healthy in spite of the dysfunction you were both surrounded by. 

[BPD Rookie]

I am grateful to each of you on this site.  I have read the suggested links.  They are very informative.  I forge ahead knowing that there are many here that I can come back to for support.  Being mindful.  Yes, that is a good thing to do.  I find myself slipping back to old roles.  Then I remember some of the things that I need to be doing to live a healthy life.  I do aqua exercise with my Mom.  My uBPD sister has joined the same club and attends the same aqua class that Mom and I attend.  I do fairly well "ignoring" the stupid stuff.  I get texts putting herself in the limelight.  At first I go to the "what is that all about, and then remind myself that that behavior is not my responsibilty and I can do nothing with it or about it.  Let go and move on with life.  Although I am not here daily, I know that this site and helpful people are here if i need them.  My thought processes are not an instant change, but man, it sure takes a long time to change old habits, and forge new healthy habits.  I am glad you all are here and you are never far from my thoughts.  Just checking in to say i appreciate this board

[Harri]

Hi!  Thanks for stopping by and letting us know you are okay.

We will be here when you are ready to come back.

And yes, we are a great group of supportive people!