New Member: Her therapist refuses to diagnose, how can we get help?

[12yearFOG]

Hi, I am in a 12 year relationship (10years married) with my possibly uwBPD. I am at a point where I have lost hope. I am not sure whether this relationship is something that should be saved. The anger (some shouting + few days of ice treatment) does not seem to occur as frequently but is enough to slowly chip into my self confidence. She also does not have a clue about her disorder. My therapist that she goes to as well does not believe in diagnostic labels and my hope for any reconciling is low.
Just venting and sad.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Red5]

I am at a point where I have lost hope. I am not sure whether this relationship is something that should be saved.

The anger (some shouting + few days of ice treatment) does not seem to occur as frequently but is enough to slowly chip into my self confidence.

She also does not have a clue about her disorder. My therapist that she goes to as well does not believe in diagnostic labels and my hope for any reconciling is low.

Just venting and sad.

Hello and welcome 12yearFOG,

You have come to a good place to learn, and as well to talk things out.

You sound pretty beat up, I too was pretty much used up when I found this place about fifteen months ago now.

I can concur with what you wrote about “slowly chip into my self-confidence”… I used to call this “constantly getting an “F” on my report card.

*I felt that I could never do anything right.
*I felt like I could not say anything for fear that would anger my wife.
*I was constantly experiencing angry outburst for no apparent reason, leading to devaluing.
*I was being engaged in the push-pull, I love you, can’t live without you, then onto I hate you, I loathe you "treatments".
*I used to , and I still do; get the silent treatment for days, weeks, one time over a month!
*Bossy, and nagging behaviors almost constantly.

In fact, I wrote a long checklist, of all the negative behaviors I was experiencing from my undiagnosed (suspected) borderline wife… I typed it in (11) font, with normal spacing , it was six (6) pages long !... .it is in one of my first few posts over a year ago... .sometimes I go back and read it, and its sobering... .yeah, I was pretty far gone back then.

Yes, when I came here I was pretty bitter, and I think I remember another person here whom said to me; on one of my first few threads... .that I seemed “defeated”.

But since I have been here, I have learnt much, I have learned about boundaries, and how to affect them, I learned many very useful tools, like how to disregard my wife’s constant “blathering’s” for lack of a better word (verbal attacks), I learned not to feed her fire, and also I learned how to use empathy, and support to sometimes help her beyond her anger towards me… validation as it were.

It’s sure been a tough road, we still have very bad days, and weeks even; but now I am in a better place in my own mind, I can "handle things much better"... .and I am still here with her… there are many other levels to my own story, I won’t go into all that here.

But I will tell you that I do believe that it can get better somewhat (stabilized), as it applies to the day to day existence in these BPD relationships; marriages... .but it takes time to get there... .not going not happen overnight,

Can you tell us more about what your experiencing, as far as repetitive behaviors… does your therapist show any signs at all of being aware at all (?); of what this BPD means to you and your wife, and your marriage, as you wrote that the therapist did not believe in diagnostic labels…

Is there anything that you are trying to do to stop the fighting, the dysregulations… can you tell us more about how you have come to believe that your wife is a pw/BPD?

I will close for now, but I want you to know that there is a great wealth of good knowledge here on these pages, and there will be others whom come to your thread to hear your story, and as well offer their own assistance, and heartfelt advice, .and most of all know that you are not alone, and many of us here have experienced the exact same things as you are now... .

So again, welcome !

Red5
 

[pearlsw]

Hi 12yearFOG and   Red5 (what an insightful reply!),



When you look at the relationship what makes it seem like something you want to save? (I'm asking myself this a lot lately about my relationship too)

What can you do to repair your self-esteem? What are the bright spots in your life?

with compassion, pearl.

[Lucky Jim]

My therapist that she goes to as well

Hey 12yearFog, Are you saying that you and your W go to the same T?  If so, that is a big red flag  to me.  A big step in the right direction would be to get your own therapist.  It doesn't have to be a big deal, but in my view is something essential going forward.  What would it take to make this change?  Can you see that your T has a conflict if you are both seeing the same T individually?

LJ

[12yearFOG]

Thank you so much Red5, Reading your post almost makes me cry

Can you tell us more about what your experiencing, as far as repetitive behaviors … does your therapist show any signs at all of being aware at all (?); of what this BPD means to you and your wife, and your marriage, as you wrote that the therapist did not believe in diagnostic labels …

We have fights that happen every 3 months. I am guilty of JADEing in the past. I just leave or try my best to validate now. I still get accused of being the partner that keeps taking and taking and taking. I still get the ice treatment (has not yet been more than a week). I used to keep thinking, it will get better if I just did something. Now I am almost certain that this will not last.
The T seems to think that labels do not help and almost surely

Is there anything that you are trying to do to stop the fighting, the dysregulations … can you tell us more about how you have come to believe that your wife is a pw/BPD?

I am trying my best to validate e.g. "I see how you feel about this. This would give you some time to process this help. We can come back to this later". Sometimes leaving the scene.

The idea crossed my mind after a fight last September. I was almost completely resigned to the marriage ending but also heartbroken by my failure in keeping a relationship. I was searching on high-conflict marriages and came across BPD. A lot of the symptoms fit.
1. She had a rough, invalidating childhood. Has now almost no relation with her family. Hates her dad and her mom for being married to her dad.
2. I did not see anger during the first year and a half of our relationship with about 6 months LDR
3. She did not show excessive abandonment issues but did talk about how her past relationships (flings) were pathetic. Either they did not stick around or she did not. She also had the need to flee
4. She did self-harm in the past and did have a failed suicide attempt. During the marriage, she had thoughts of self-harm and suicide but did not act on it. She told me that 3 years into the marriage, those thoughts went away and have not recurred.
5. She binge eats. Definitely when under stress
6. She is emotionally labile. Almost always, my concerns will be projected back as a blame or a shortcoming of me. Almost never apologizes for her outbursts
7. There are times when she will gaslight. she will say I said or did things that I completely did not. Still, to this day, this is the worst. Makes me feel crazy

I am sad and keep my distance from her. She still feels that "I am needy and she is getting worn out". I have no idea. How can I be needy when she is barely doing anything for me.

[12yearFOG]

Hi 12yearFOG and   Red5 (what an insightful reply!),



When you look at the relationship what makes it seem like something you want to save? (I'm asking myself this a lot lately about my relationship too)

What can you do to repair your self-esteem? What are the bright spots in your life?

with compassion, pearl.

Hi pearl, I've been reading your experience and highly empathize with it. Sending good thoughts your way.
I honestly don't see too many positives in the relationship. I am 39. No kids. I think the primary fear is being alone. Though, I am starting to think that is better than being in a relationship that is one-sided and harrowing.

Right now, I just want to stop the bleeding. I have forgotten how to smile. My anxiety is up to 10/10.

[12yearFOG]

Hey 12yearFog, Are you saying that you and your W go to the same T?  If so, that is a big red flag  to me.  A big step in the right direction would be to get your own therapist.  It doesn't have to be a big deal, but in my view is something essential going forward.  What would it take to make this change?  Can you see that your T has a conflict if you are both seeing the same T individually?

Hi LJ,
The T was a last-ditch effort by me to get her to come to therapy. I am thinking of changing my T. I do see that it might muddle the waters with both of us going to the same T.
Clear thinking is not my strength right now. I feel that I am barely scraping by.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 12year, I'm in favor of therapy for her, and for you.  Unless you are doing couples counseling, however, I don't see how you can both see the same T on an individual basis.  Presumably the T is aware of this potential conflict of interest.  What does the T say about this issue?

LJ

[walkinthepark247]

Can you see that your T has a conflict if you are both seeing the same T individually?

Preach it, Brother Lucky Jim! It is an inherent conflict and I cannot see that ending well. I briefly went through the same thing. It was an unmitigated disaster. I don't believe that the T I saw was malicious or had bad intent. I believe that T we were both seeing had very good intentions; but, they were horribly naive. In the end it caused far more trouble than it was worth. I was also operating under the false impression that the T could somehow "save" my spouse if only we could both help my wife to see the light. Horrible mistake.

I would also strongly suggest that you get your own T. You need someone to help you focus on YOU and YOUR needs for a while. The focus should not be on improving your spouse. Instead, all of the focus should be on what you can control - you! By constantly focusing on your wife's disorder in therapy, you are not going to move forward yourself.

[walkinthepark247]

12yearFOG,

I realize that someone else changed the title of your post. So, I don't if the diagnosis is as important to you as the person who changed the title. But... .

I also used to focus on getting a diagnosis for my spouse. In fact, it's what I dwelt on most of the time. With therapy, I have learned that this will never matter - ever. Even if they are diagnosed due to your efforts, what then? A person truly has to want change and improvement for it to happen. Merely being told you have BPD (when you haven't asked or considered it) by your T (whom you see with your spouse) isn't likely to improve much of anything. At least, that has been my experience. In fact, when I tried to bring up that there was a "problem" in joint therapy sessions, it got horribly shot down by my spouse and the T. It was humiliating, to say the least.

What if you focused on it this way: Your wife very likely has BPD. Learn as much as you can and just kind of keep it your secret. I found that to be quite empowering. One time, my wife found my “secret stash” of BPD literature. What was her response? “I don’t have BPD, you do!” Many, many others on this site have reported the same response. It would be an entirely different scenario if she came to that conclusion on her own and truly wanted help. I am happy to report that she is seeking help today. But, it had nothing to do with my efforts. I’m certain of that.

[pearlsw]

Hi pearl, I've been reading your experience and highly empathize with it. Sending good thoughts your way.
I honestly don't see too many positives in the relationship. I am 39. No kids. I think the primary fear is being alone. Though, I am starting to think that is better than being in a relationship that is one-sided and harrowing.

Right now, I just want to stop the bleeding. I have forgotten how to smile. My anxiety is up to 10/10.

Oh, I hear ya! I am not afraid of alone, just the giant rebuild of my life. No dating/relationship is okay by me!

What can we do to help you smile again?

take care, pearl.