People with BPD are incapable of real love

[Rubies]

I know BPDs are capable of strong passionate feelings they portray as love, but they are not capable of reciprocal actions and commitments of mature love.  Their BPD love is that of a spoiled 4 year old child, it's all about self gratification, dependency and attention seeking, where everything is all right again with a dandelion bouquet.    Quite honestly, I was glad he left me for another woman.  He wouldn't jump ship without a lifeboat.

How did 17 years of living with that affect me and my ability to love?  Years before he left I felt my ability to bond with others break.  Perhaps this was a good thing called detachment because I was mostly able to sweep my life clean of people who were not good for me.   I don't necessarily find it a problem that I don't do attachment and bonding with others except at a snail's pace, and can be terminated in the blink of an eye from my conscience.   I practice kindness and acts of love toward others, I enjoy meeting and talking with new people and building a few friendships.  I have yet to meet anyone I want coming to my home.  I am working on that. 

[Skip]

I know BPDs are capable of strong passionate feelings they portray as love, but they are not capable of reciprocal actions and commitments of mature love.  Their BPD love is that of a spoiled 4 year old child, it's all about self gratification, dependency and attention seeking, where everything is all right again with a dandelion bouquet.   

Can you explain dandelion bouquet?

[MaybeMaybeNot]

In my opinion real love means that you are able to let the other person go if she wants and still wish her all the best. On other words, it is free from control. For me it is hard to image that anyone with BPD or a person with strong traits of codependency is capable of this. Unhealthy love is more like an addiction. Usually this kind of "love" and relationship is based on trauma bonding, and because of this it is very difficult to end this kind of relationship. Unpredictable ups and downs get us addicted, and I think this might be the reason why people with insecure attachment styles go through make up-break up pattern over and over again. As far as I know it very rarely happens to people with secure attachment style. Its almost like when a drug addict tries to quit, he most likely go through many relapses before he is done for good.

[Mustbeabetterway]

This is an interesting topic.  I have learned from each of your responses.  I think that my husband was capable of love.  He was passionate and he was as committed to our relationship as he could be.   I believe he did love me and loves me still.  However, love is not enough to sustain a relationship over time.  Marriage has many facets and many expectations.  Love itself cannot live up to all of these.

Although my husband loved me, he had a lot of damaging behaviors. Once the terrible moment had passed, he would often apologize.  I think this shows self awareness.  But, an apology can only go so far.  The damage was done and at a certain point I could no longer live with his reckless behavior.  It was not safe or sane. 

So, yes, I believe we had love, but more is needed to sustain a relationship.

Peace and blessings, Mustbeabetterway

[DogMan75]

This is an interesting topic.  I have learned from each of your responses.  I think that my husband was capable of love.  He was passionate and he was as committed to our relationship as he could be.   I believe he did love me and loves me still.  However, love is not enough to sustain a relationship over time.  Marriage has many facets and many expectations.  Love itself cannot live up to all of these.

Although my husband loved me, he had a lot of damaging behaviors. Once the terrible moment had passed, he would often apologize.  I think this shows self awareness.  But, an apology can only go so far.  The damage was done and at a certain point I could no longer live with his reckless behavior.  It was not safe or sane. 

So, yes, I believe we had love, but more is needed to sustain a relationship.

Peace and blessings, Mustbeabetterway

Love is the most important thing, but it’s not the only thing.

I still love my ex. I loved her from the moment I met her, and I always will. But after years of trying, I had to come to the conclusion that there is just nothing more I can do from my end. I love her, and I would go back to her in a heartbeat -but not that relationship. I can’t live like that.

I told her for years that I can’t live like that, that the clock was ticking. Every move I made, up to a throughout a year-long therapeutic separation, I informed her of first. I didn’t surprise her with anything. I explained my needs, my boundaries, benchmarks for improvement that needed to be met, but none ever were. By the end she was worse than ever. Not only had the old problems not been solved, but new ones were making their first appearances. I had to get out.

That was in November. On June 1, I saw her for the first time since the breakup. I’d thought I’d been doing well -no, I had been doing well. I’ve been taking care of myself, deciding what I wanted my future to look like after so long imagining a future without her. I’ve been happy. People have noticed -everybody had noticed.

But seeing her again, talking to her, still loving her but seeing no improvement in her devastated me. For a week I was shattered. Crying every day. Trying to rationalize another try with her. That chemistry, that attachment is strong. I know intellectually how over it is, how over it has to be, but I can’t deny those feelings.

Whether they can truly love is a matter of debate. But I truly loved her, despite her problems. She may not see who she is, but I did. Immediately. I wasn’t wrong. But as long as she refuses her condition, there’s nothing to be done. She has to be motivated to fix it for herself, and as painful as it is to think I wasn’t worth it, there’s simply nothing to be done.

I just try to remember to not take it personally. That she has a serious mental illness, and that sometimes we lose the ones we love to mental illness despite our best efforts.

She did love me, she really did and I know it. But love isn’t the only thing.

[Husband321]

I think to be with a BPD you would have to look past many lies. Manipulation etc.

My ex wife has a prior husband whom I talk to.  She does not know this.

She is different with him when they talk. (They have kids). And she tells him about all of the hook ups. Men. Dating Women. Partying etc.

She still tries to recycle me me. And she always starts with "wow. I love it. I have been so alone.  I miss you. I haven't dated in months. I am just working on myself etc "

So if I didn't talk to him, I would possibly feel bad for her. Like she truly loves me etc. but in reality I am probably one of dozens she does this with.

This is where this topic becomes confusing for nons. We talk about unconditional love. How we can love better etc. But clearly a woman like this is very tough to love over time.  I don't think that is some deficiency  I have.

[Jeffree]

Husband321,

What if your ex is telling her ex lies but of a different kind than she tells you?

pwBPD tend to be very unreliable narrators.

J

[Forearmed]

I would say never in any mature sense. You have to accept you are dealing with a pathological who always has  their emotions dialled up (x 5) alongsisde the impulsiveness of a 4-5 years old!  In essence, it's only as long as you sustain the honeymoon period for them that you'll get a sense of them being 'in love' (i.e. crazy - infatuated ; ) That's when they are pure emotion driven and will do anything for you. But... .start getting into any normal situations where imperfections and problems have to be dealt with  - and the wheels will start coming off! Don't forget you'll ALSO have to deal with their inherent fear of intimacy so they can only start pushing you away more and more as the relationship develops anyway.

Bottom Line: The well -adjusted partner will figure out something is very wrong and eventually move on (often through exhaustion). The more codependent mentalities will inevitably be treated increasingly worse / disrespectfully [to be discarded at some point] in as many ways as you can imagine.

Not for me.

[Cromwell]

I think to come to terms that all those strong feelings we had,  in addition; all that time of life spent on a person, that the having to confront the idea that they likely didnt love us in return is a bit like pointing at the elephant in the room.

the mirroring of affection, or showing gratitude, the emotional intamacy can masquerade as love but ive come to terms that my ex is a victim of emotionally undercooked development.

She told me countless times she loved me, she showed it at times in her behaviour to an extent i not only believed it but it felt innate. The issue is looking back, these were the times where she needed me the most and felt insecure. It cant be labelled as love but more of a desperate need. Actually the theme of her conversations gravitated more around "never leaving her" which translated at the time to me as "i love you so much i cant imagine not being together", yet I see it as something entirely different now.

Theres a book on BPD titled "i hate you dont leave me", it could easily be written from my perspective as "i love you, please leave me".

Just as I could have spent the r/s with a hollywood actress that would have me believe she was deeply in love and would exhibit it convincingly,   the fact that I had those magical moments and they appeared and made me believe she was capable love, this doesnt make it so.

[Struggler123]

It took me a long time to grasp one simple opinion, When the bad times are more than the good, it’s not love its misconception, infatuation, or lust. My problem was that I thought I could be a super hero, I have numerous situations that I can go through that my ex wasn’t even aware about. Her plans were different from mine and theres nothing wrong with that. But, her idea of love meant an object of commitment, to her it seems like once someone is married only then can you tell that someone really loves them, she fails to realize that if she doesn’t put in even 25% of the responsibilities, the same idea of love will wash away in the sand. Coming back to the idea, are BPD’s capable of love? It depends on how you define love if you describe it as give me your heart soul and a part of you, then yes. In fact, donate your mind too, because what you think is not what the BPD thinks. But if you define mature love, the one where your struggle is your partners struggle, and your partner will fight with you not against you, then I don’t think so. This isn’t just for BPD’s its relationships as a whole. Often times, I see some married friends and they are like “I feel like I’m a parent in this marriage.” Some people enjoy being in control and thats their preference, but is this love, I don’t think so. Love is not like that of hollywood movies either, I would define love as comfort, peace, ambition, forgiveness, not based on your looks, money, but for who you are. But, yes letting go of someone you were very close to/loved in ways beyond our comprehension, is another form of love, something that takes a very strong mindset.