I have self diagnosed...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all.

I wrote a post the other day about whether or not I've "acquired" BPD or suffering from ptsd or the like. Reason for this is due to meeting a new woman, who has blown me away. And this has set some red flags.

I know now the "red flags" are due to my fear of trust. Which is perhaps I've had my whole life. I don't know, but I was a codependant. And why are we codependants? Perhaps it's a fear of losing someone so we protect, and look after them so they don't go. Or is it an inherent feeling just to care? Maybe it's a bit of both?

Whatever it is, I've been a bit funny with her. She really is a wonderful woman. She sensed I was doing this, sat me down, talked to me and understood why I'd been behaving the way I was. I've talked to her about my exBPDgf over the last few months now and again and I can safely say I have definitely some form of ptsd, most certainly from ex, but also from life itself.  She understands completely because her ex bf has been seeing a girl with absolute traits of BPD. There is no question. So her seeing the pain he is living, she understands how I feel. She has a good relationship with him, as I do my ex wife. We both like the fact that the other is comfortable extremely comfortable with that. And we are. Something my exBPDgf despised.

I still maintain though, that as painful as it was, my ex who had textbook traits of someone with BPD, really was the best thing to happen to me. And with the love of someone who genuinely cares about me now, I think I will be on the road to proper life recovery.  That doesn't mean that I'm relying on her for my happiness, it just means that there are nice normal women out there and not the ones I tend to go for.

It's very strange being in a volatile relationship, to one that's "normal". It kinda reminds me of the very end of one of my favourite gangster films, where the excitement, danger, craziness, ups, downs is now replaced with normality, stability. It's a shock to the system and when I send a text that could be construed the wrong way, I fear the response. But every one is a normal response. Or if I haven't said goodbye in the right way, I fear I've said it wrong. I believe these are signs of ptsd.

So not only have I battled with myself when with my ex, I'm still doing it months later. But I'm aware I'm doing it. I'm taking steps to go with my gut and not my ptsd and just "take a leap of faith and trust". This is what a nice lady who knows us both quite well now, said to me. She knows the hell I went through and can see how it would affect me.

I got over my exBPDgf quite quickly once I'd realised she was a toxin for me. But I guess i suppressed or didn't need those emotions as I was single, dating and just living care free. But now I've fallen for someone they have arisen.

Anyway has anyone else been through this?

Cheers

CB

[confusedbloke]

Hi all.

I wrote a post the other day about whether or not I've "acquired" BPD or suffering from ptsd or the like. Reason for this is due to meeting a new woman, who has blown me away. And this has set some red flags.

I know now the "red flags" are due to my fear of trust. Which is perhaps I've had my whole life. I don't know, but I was a codependant. And why are we codependants? Perhaps it's a fear of losing someone so we protect, and look after them so they don't go. Or is it an inherent feeling just to care? Maybe it's a bit of both?

Whatever it is, I've been a bit funny with her. She really is a wonderful woman. She sensed I was doing this, sat me down, talked to me and understood why I'd been behaving the way I was. I've talked to her about my exBPDgf over the last few months now and again and I can safely say I have definitely some form of ptsd, most certainly from ex, but also from life itself.  She understands completely because her ex bf has been seeing a girl with absolute traits of BPD. There is no question. So her seeing the pain he is living, she understands how I feel. She has a good relationship with him, as I do my ex wife. We both like the fact that the other is comfortable extremely comfortable with that. And we are. Something my exBPDgf despised.

I still maintain though, that as painful as it was, my ex who had textbook traits of someone with BPD, really was the best thing to happen to me. And with the love of someone who genuinely cares about me now, I think I will be on the road to proper life recovery.  That doesn't mean that I'm relying on her for my happiness, it just means that there are nice normal women out there and not the ones I tend to go for.

It's very strange being in a volatile relationship, to one that's "normal". It kinda reminds me of the very end of one of my favourite gangster films, where the excitement, danger, craziness, ups, downs is now replaced with normality, stability. It's a shock to the system and when I send a text that could be construed the wrong way, I fear the response. But every one is a normal response. Or if I haven't said goodbye in the right way, I fear I've said it wrong. I believe these are signs of ptsd.

So not only have I battled with myself when with my ex, I'm still doing it months later. But I'm aware I'm doing it. I'm taking steps to go with my gut and not my ptsd and just "take a leap of faith and trust". This is what a nice lady who knows us both quite well now, said to me. She knows the hell I went through and can see how it would affect me.

I got over my exBPDgf quite quickly once I'd realised she was a toxin for me. But I guess i suppressed or didn't need those emotions as I was single, dating and just living care free. But now I've fallen for someone they have arisen.

Anyway has anyone else been through this?

Cheers

CB

[Turkish]

You've self diagnosed with... .PTSD? BPD? Co-dependency?

It would be beneficial to discuss this with a professional. My T walked me back from diagnosing myself,  though I did it sometimes to mess with him. He was,  however,  firm,  especially about codependency which he said that in true sufferers permeated every aspect and r/s in their lives,  not only a romantic one. 

[confusedbloke]

Hi Turkish.

I think the point I'm trying to make is that even though the r/s ended 10 months ago, the effects can last. And I'm wondering if anyone else can relate. It's devastating being with someone with BPD as we know, and understanding why we chose them (To fulfil a need) is an important step to full recovery.

Ok so self diagnosis is probably the wrong term, but I do believe there is a form of ptsd after one of these relationships

CB

[Turkish]

I had what I would describe as periodic anxiety attacks.  I also thought that my ex was entering my home for months after she had left despite having an alarm which logged when the front door closed and opened.  On the far side,  it's hard for me to relate to how I felt back then. 

[confusedbloke]

Sorry, I mean did you ever behave with a new partner, the way you did with your exBPD partner... .  Im finding that Im overthinking things and trying to figure out why she does a certain thing... .even though its nothing.

Its all reminiscent (in the way Im thinking) of my ex.  I cant seem to get those thoughts out of my head.

Because of the constant guessing and fear and anxiety with my ex, im feeling the same way now with new gf.  I wonder if those thoughts will disipate as its really doing my head in!

[once removed]

is the girl youre seeing now this same girl?

I have been having shall we say extremely flirtatious texts with a new woman I have met.
It is so reminiscent of meeting my exBPDGF.  The red flags are everywhere.  She is extremely sexual (too much TBH), she has battles with her eldest daughter,
she'll stop at nothing trying to get me to go back to my house... .(I haven't BTW), she's been off work ill for 2 weeks, she says she just wants to be mates, but I can see right through it.  She wants more than that. 

from this thread? :https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=316103.msg12908218#msg12908218

[confusedbloke]

Hi Once!

Ha, oh good god no. After seeing what she was like those  were everywhere.

If I remember rightly, she was my first date. And I instantly didn't like her. Seems like a long time ago now.

No my new gf is really nice, and shall we say, patient. I'm definitely suffering with some form of issues from exBPDgf, as I'm pulling away from her. Luckily she understands what kind of woman I've been with, and understands that it's going to effect me. Had she not experienced BPD with the girl of her ex, I could probably say that I would be out on my ear.

Again yesterday I had a go because I didn't receive a text for 3 hours while she was at work. It's all to do with my ex. I don't want to be like this at all.

Speaking to people in the pub last night who knew exBPDgf, I found out that she had done the same to her ex before me. They even said that she was still having sex with him whilst being with me and he was in bits because when they had sex she made him let her call him by my name.

It really is an illness, I need to keep reminding myself of that. I texted my current gf today and apologised again and said, that's enough now. I'll stop this behaviour towards her. I cannot let my ex ruin my life anymore.

It just goes to show that even when you move on and have zero interest for a romantic involvement, they still get to you.

Hope you're well Once

CB