Gas Lighted/ FOG'd at work

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hey all,

My mom is a pwBPD.  Lately, I've been working a lot on boundaries, and helping the people I supervise put boundaries up to help them have a better work life balance.  I have an open door policy (always have) where I'm open and encourage people to come in and talk to me about any thing (work or non-work related) because my philosophy is that everything is related to everything.  People have really taken to that, and people tend to frequent my office to sit and chat about a lot of different things.  Some very personal things, and some trivial/work type complaints.

Recently I talked to the director about some problems I was noticing and people coming in with the same complaints about the manager (who is technically my superior).  I was uncomfortable addressing it with her because she is my boss.  So her boss addressed it with her- no big, right?

Wrong.  She pulled me out of my office Friday and asked why I didn't feel comfortable talking to her- (not happy).  And anyway she knows a lot of my struggles with my mom because like myself- I stupidly expect everyone to supervise like I do.  I was vulnerable, and it got used against me.  She suggested that because of my experience at home, I was being split by staff and was divisive to the the clinic.  This was never and has never been said to me or the director.

I broke down crying, "I just want to make everyone happy".  and THEN the whammy.  I TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR ALL THE PROBLEMS AT THE CLINIC.  AS SOON as I walked out the door- it hit me like a ton of bricks.  It wasn't even true.  I've only been there 6 months, and the problems have existed long before I was there.  Why? 

Now I feel really unsafe in my job which isn't horrible because I actually was offered a promotion recently and I will be accepting it.  Monday, I told my director what happened which apparently she already knew... .because the manager called her and told her everything was great.  WTHeck?  I explained that I felt like I was led to take on the responsibility of the problems, and I explained everything that was said. 

How do I get through this?  I feel like I don't want to talk to her, or see her, and she is going to notice that my safety shield has gone up... .  Any help or insight would be awesome.

[Mooberry]

Hey all,

My mom is a pwBPD.  Lately, I've been working a lot on boundaries, and helping the people I supervise put boundaries up to help them have a better work life balance.  I have an open door policy (always have) where I'm open and encourage people to come in and talk to me about any thing (work or non-work related) because my philosophy is that everything is related to everything.  People have really taken to that, and people tend to frequent my office to sit and chat about a lot of different things.  Some very personal things, and some trivial/work type complaints.

Recently I talked to the director about some problems I was noticing and people coming in with the same complaints about the manager (who is technically my superior).  I was uncomfortable addressing it with her because she is my boss.  So her boss addressed it with her- no big, right?

Wrong.  She pulled me out of my office Friday and asked why I didn't feel comfortable talking to her- (not happy).  And anyway she knows a lot of my struggles with my mom because like myself- I stupidly expect everyone to supervise like I do.  I was vulnerable, and it got used against me.  She suggested that because of my experience at home, I was being split by staff and was divisive to the the clinic.  This was never and has never been said to me or the director.

I broke down crying, "I just want to make everyone happy".  and THEN the whammy.  I TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR ALL THE PROBLEMS AT THE CLINIC.  AS SOON as I walked out the door- it hit me like a ton of bricks.  It wasn't even true.  I've only been there 6 months, and the problems have existed long before I was there.  Why? 

Now I feel really unsafe in my job which isn't horrible because I actually was offered a promotion recently and I will be accepting it.  Monday, I told my director what happened which apparently she already knew... .because the manager called her and told her everything was great.  WTHeck?  I explained that I felt like I was led to take on the responsibility of the problems, and I explained everything that was said. 

How do I get through this?  I feel like I don't want to talk to her, or see her, and she is going to notice that my safety shield has gone up... .  Any help or insight would be awesome.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Mooberry,

I'm really sorry you had to go through that. It sounds upsetting as well as hitting you in your most vulnerable places. 

I've learned a couple of things as I've slowly gained ground in my healing journey. After having been raised by an uBPDm, my tendency to feel wounded was front and center and I didn't know what to do. Did you feel little when your other boss pulled you in to talk, as if it were like your mom talking to you when you were a certain young age? If I stopped to think about it, I sure did too. That was a big clue for me.

If that's how you felt, then what thoughts do you have about how you could change your response to be something that would allow you to feel more empowered? Here's a thought I had. When she asked why you didn't come to talk to her, could you have followed JADE and said something like "You are my supervisor and it would be more appropriate for me to talk with a neutral party about concerns" or something like that. Let's do some brainstorming and come up with ideas.

Sometimes we get a chance for do-overs. If not, you'll be ready for next time!

 
Wools

[Turkish]

How is it going Mooberry? The same people who are aware of the home and work issues offered you the promotion?

[Mooberry]

How is it going Monterey? The same people who are aware of the home and work issues offered you the promotion?

No.  I'm leaving to a new job which is the governing body of my profession.  It's a huge deal... .it's a destination job! And I'm 30!

[Harri]

Congratulations Mooberry!  That is fantastic news and I am very excited for you.  I am glad to know the problems at your current work did not adversely affect the promotion.

 

And anyway she knows a lot of my struggles with my mom because like myself- I stupidly expect everyone to supervise like I do.  I was vulnerable, and it got used against me.

Chances are she felt threatened by your conversation with the director and used what she could to strike back and 'put you in your place'.  <sighs>

I explained that I felt like I was led to take on the responsibility of the problems, and I explained everything that was said.

I can see how your childhood experiences would lead you to take full responsibility for the accusations your boss made against you.  It seems like an expected reaction to something that triggered your coping skills developed in childhood.  Now that you are aware of this tendency you can work on changing it by knowing who you are, owning what is yours to own and not taking on the emotions, possible projections and reverting to people pleasing behaviors. 

Do you think you might do things differently in terms of sharing personal info at work in your new position?  Or is the position such that sharing personal info will not happen? 

[Mooberry]

Do you think you might do things differently in terms of sharing personal info at work in your new position?  Or is the position such that sharing personal info will not happen? 

You know, I got a re-do.  After Friday happened, I let the director now exactly how I was feeling, and that I let my personal life interfere with my ability to say what I needed to say.  She facilitated a meeting where I owned what I needed to, and also clearly stated where I saw the problems happening.

You know, I think I will still share because it's part of my philosophy of who I am... .and even though this bad thing happened at work... .Sharing my self with people has really helped some of the people here.  It's built a trust among people with me.  They can come in and tell me... ."hey, x y and z is happening at home... .and this is how it's affecting my job- how can we do this?" 

I think the learning experience here is to say that I feel uncomfortable having a meeting when I haven't had notice to prepare for it.  It was a learning experience, but in the end- it was an incredible learning experience.  It brought to light my tendency to say everything is my fault, my tendency to want a problem to just go away, my tendency to feel like a failure... .it brought all of the work I need to do to light. 

[Harri]

Good for you Mooberry!  I really like the way you are looking at this and doing what feels right for you. 

and how fortunate you got a re-do!  How often does that happen in life? 

It brought to light my tendency to say everything is my fault, my tendency to want a problem to just go away, my tendency to feel like a failure... .it brought all of the work I need to do to light.

  Yes, it was a very valuable lesson indeed.

Good job Moo!

[Woolspinner2000]

Kudos, Mooberry! 

Sounds like things went well, and congrats on the new position too!

It was a learning experience, but in the end- it was an incredible learning experience.  It brought to light my tendency to say everything is my fault, my tendency to want a problem to just go away, my tendency to feel like a failure... .it brought all of the work I need to do to light.

One of the points Pete Walker makes when he speaks about emotional flasback management is that these flashbacks when we feel small are opportunities to look and see where we still need to heal. Sounds as if that's exactly what you are doing. 

 
Wools